Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very confused about this Mum?

58 replies

ginmakesitallok · 25/08/2011 18:17

Thread about my thread in chat - but not getting much response and I'm in the mood for a rant. original thread here.

In a nutshell -other mum writes to school yesterday accusing DD of bullying her daughter, I go into school and teacher tells me she has no concerns about DDs behaviour. Other Mum phones me last night to say I need to sort it out, it's been going on for a long time, her daughter doesn't like going to school etc etc. I explain I think its a 50/50 thing, but that my daughters behaviour had been unacceptable and I'd deal with it.

DD brings in a sorry card to school today. Mum then texts (and later phones) me to say that its wonderful that the girls were going in to school so happy today and would DD like to go to the cinema with them or go for a sleepover??

I was very restrained and texted back a "thanks but no-thanks" message when what I really wanted to text was "Are you taking the piss?? You write to school yesterday accusing DD of bullying, upset her, upset me and now you want her to come for a sleepover??? Over my dead body you daft cow!"

So - AIBU in not understanding where she's coming from?? Even if she'd said sorry, that she was wrong and that it was a 50/50 thing and would DD like to come over, I might have understood. But no - no apology, just a thanks for me dealing with it!!!

I am Angry

OP posts:
2BoysTooLoud · 25/08/2011 19:19

There is a difference between bullying - ongoing harassing behaviour- and just one off incidents and normal kid stuff.
Think gin has dealt with situation well but is surprised by other mother's reaction.
Do think you are bringing 'something else to the table' here sunshine.

thesunshinesbrightly · 25/08/2011 19:19

No that is fine aslong as she's aware it is wrong.

My issues with mothers of bullies are sorted thank you for the suggestion tho.

MadamDeathstare · 25/08/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 25/08/2011 19:25

Sorry but Grin at "recovering bully"

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 25/08/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upahill · 25/08/2011 19:33

I honestly think the other mum was trying to make thing better and let bygones be bygones and all that.

Please let things blow over and don't be a mum that holds a grudge.

I've seen it so many times when mine have been in primary and I learnt from other people about not getting over involved - things move on quickly.
I do understand you are upset but please let your anger go.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 25/08/2011 19:46

the anger has gone upahill - just replaced by a little sad confusion. Thanks to all for helping me see that the other mum might not be quite as mad as I thought she was (though I still have my doubts, but that's a whole other thread!)

Madamdeathstare Grin - got it in one!

OP posts:
Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 25/08/2011 19:50

though it should go:

random person to person in authority "X is a serial killer"
person in authority "no they aren't"
random person "you're a serial killer"
me "no I'm not"
random person "thanks for not being a serial killer anymore - will you marry me?"

me ????????????????????????

OP posts:
mummymccar · 25/08/2011 19:59

When it comes to children and teenagers I think we never really know the whole story. I do think though that unless there is a serious case of bullying (which in this case it doesn't sound like there is) that if they can, the children should try to resolve it themselves. Kids fall out, they always will, especially teenage girls. I remember falling out with a friend so she threw my school bag up into a tree. Took blooming HOURS for the caretaker to get it down but the other girl and I made up a couple of days later.
If you can avoid it turning into an issue between you and the mum I would. I think that unless the girls actually express a wish themselves to have the sleepover then it'd be a bad idea.
When I was about 11 my parents hosted a party with their best friends. Their kids all came along and whilst we were playing together one of the girls bit and hit me. I told her that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore if she was going to hurt me and she ran and told her mum, crying. Her mum came and found me, SHOOK ME, told me I was a bully and that I should stay away from her kid (I would never, ever bully anyone and I was more upset about this than the shaking). My mum saw the whole exchange, and despite them being best friends, my mum kicked the woman out and they haven't spoken since. The girl and I made up the next day.
Kids fight all the time and make up, it'll blow over.

NorfolkBroad · 25/08/2011 20:01

Chumlee, you sound as if you have handled this with admirable constraint. I think you have been totally reasonable and I too would feel confused by the invitation. Not because the sentiment isn't nice but because I would still be thinking "mmmm one minute you're accusing my dd of being a bully and the next you're asking her for a sleepover"

thesunshinebrightly, what a horrible thing to say about a child you do not even know! There are so many variables in these situations anyway. Even the little girl's teacher said she did not notice any problems.

Hope the girls get on ok next week Chumlee, take no notice of the unkind comments of some posters.

NorfolkBroad · 25/08/2011 20:02

sorry Chumlee you weren't the OP. Anyway, you get my drift.

ChumleeIsMyHomeboy · 25/08/2011 20:05

Had to check there for a moment - but no - I wasn't!

NorfolkBroad · 25/08/2011 20:08

I am so dozy at the mo! Sorry!

banana87 · 25/08/2011 20:09

Why don't you ask your DD rather than deciding for her?

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 25/08/2011 20:10

I think that kids arguing is all part of growing up and learning how to cope with social situations. Because they haven't fully developed empathy/understanding of how to deal with emotions they can resort to typical kids behaviour. By the time we are adults we learn how to deal with situations differently, and understand different points of view. I guess thats why kids make up so easily (to them the behaviour isn't "important") and the adults fall out?? Obviously different in bullying behaviour.

Girls will probably fall out again next week, and then make up again, and then fall out again... ad infinitum

OP posts:
NorfolkBroad · 25/08/2011 20:12

Exactly gin. And your dds teacher would be able to tell you if there was a serious inbalance in the situation which she has told you there is not.

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 25/08/2011 20:14

banana - because a) when she's been asked to go before she has said no, b)I don't want her spending time alone with someone who thinks she is a bully (might reconsider this in time) c)the other Mum is not someone I trust with my child (as I said, whole other thread - I disagree with some of her parenting styles and wouldn't feel comfortable leaving DD in her sole charge)

OP posts:
banana87 · 25/08/2011 20:19

Understandable. You may have already said but, how old are the girls?

mamas12 · 25/08/2011 20:25

Sounds as if the other mum is too involved in her dds life tbh.
Take a step back from them

Original poster
ginmakesitallok · 25/08/2011 20:26

they are 7 - DD will be 8 soon

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 25/08/2011 20:31

I can sympathise with you, OP. There is a girl in my dd's class that I am not keen for her to be close friends with, as her mum is never away from the school about people (pupils, teachers, caretakers- you name it) picking on her dd. Her other children have also been "bullied", often by previously close friends. I just know that at some point if the girls are friends eventually it will be MY dd "bullying" hers. Even though, having witnessed the girls playing together her dd seems far from any kind of victim. I'd rather they just weren't friends, really, because I can't be doing with the hassle of it.

So I'd agree that you just try to keep socialisation with this other girl to a polite minimum. Obviously you have looked into the story, and the teacher etc seems to be saying that your dd was not particularly nasty, and you have remonstrated with her about her behaviour. Sadly, there do seem to be some mums who scream "bullying!" every time their child is quarrelled with.

upahill · 25/08/2011 20:34

It's quite amusing that boys fall out very differently from girls.

I was talking to DS2 who is 11 a couple of months ago.
Boys seem to fall out over something and next day it's a case of 'a'right mate' and on He went on 'I don't get them, they will be friends then they fall out and then they all cry and some one has to hug them. Then nobody speaks to each other - then they become friends again. I don't get it!!'
I think the only response I could give him was ' you never will son, trust me!!!'

Takitezee · 25/08/2011 21:26

YANBU. Even if she wants to try and patch things up a sleepover straight off is not the way to go.

To be honest I would always be wary of the girl and her Mum and wouldn't encourage a friendship.

MightyQuim · 25/08/2011 21:57

I think if it was 6 of one half a dozen of the other like you say OP I wouldn't have had your dd make a sorry card. Kinda looks like your dd WAS bullying the other girl now whether she was or not. Maybe they could have both been encouraged to say sorry by the teacher or something? Not that that matters as it's done now.
I wouldn't let dd go to the sleepover either - just because I couldn't be bothered with the fallout if they had another tiff and the mother overeacted again. Much easier to keep a polite distance I think.

saintlyjimjams · 25/08/2011 22:01

Sleepover a bizarre idea. What on earth is the other mother thinking?

I think you are right to say 'thanks but no thanks'.