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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel ill that the man I like has gone on holiday with his ex?

32 replies

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 17:40

Only been out with him a couple of times (I've just come out of a 5 year relationship) but I really, really like him.
The first time we went out he mentioned that he was desperate to go away on holiday but had nobody to go with. I felt as if he was almost hinting for me to go with him! Then a week later he text me and said he wasn't sure if he had done the right thing but he had arranged to go away for 10 days with his ex. I made mention of that being rather 'cosy' and he said he would have asked me but seeming as though I barely know him I might have found him odd if he had.

I've seen him once since but I don't really know the ins and outs of his and the exs relationship. I'm trying to play it cool and didn't want to come over all jealous. He's now gone away but before he left he text saying he was looking forward to seeing me when he gets back, that he really does want to see me etc.

I know I barely know him and it's nothing to do with me what he gets up to really but I'm now stressing that him and his ex are going to rekindle their romance and end up getting back together. I'm totally resigned to the fact they will probably have a holiday shag or two but I really don't want them to get back together. I want him basically!

He posted some pics of them on FB and she really looks like an older version of me (same hair/skin type, way of doing her make up). I know I need to calm down and stop stressing but argh, it's a nightmare! I am so so jealous!

OP posts:

Avantia · 25/08/2011 17:44

Leave it , walk away before you do really get hurt .

He wants best fo both worlds - does his ex know about you / probably not .

You could always post on FB =- 'Great photos - really looking forward to seeing you when you get back ' then see what he does .

Mitmoo · 25/08/2011 17:49

He's playing you - bin him.

Next............

BecauseImWorthIt · 25/08/2011 17:51

If you've only seen him twice, then I think you're really over-reacting here. And I suspect he knows it and is playing on it.

Step back and just wait and see what happens when he gets back.

pamplemousserose · 25/08/2011 17:52

Run away and be grateful you didn't have to waste more time on him!

Original poster

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 17:52

AvantiaI have no idea if she knows tbh. You are probably right, running a mile is most likely the best option. I don't think my heart has space for any more pain at the minute.

Trouble is I'm no better. I was planning on going away with my ex as well until I realised I couldn't afford it. Not because I want to get back with him but because I genuinely have no one else to go away with (distant violin strings)

Maybe I should just steal myself for the next set of photos were they get married barefoot on the beach?. It will be just my luck (sighs)

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Original poster

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 17:56

becauseI'mworthit- No he doesn't know I'm over-reacting promise, I've barely mentioned anything beyond 'Have a nice holiday'. I would rather cut my throat these days than let a man see he has upset me.

I think I might just cry off men altogether for time being, it's too much stress quite frankly. I'm an intelligent, kind hearted woman, I shouldn't be inflicting this on myself.

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bubblesincoffee · 25/08/2011 17:59

Do they have dc together?

About 2 weeks before me and my now dh got together, my ex and I booked to take our dc to Disney world in Florida together. We had been going abroad with eachother for holidays with the dc every year since we had split, so I think we had done it 3 or 4 times already.

I had been with then dp for almost a year by the time the trip came around, and it was awful leaving him to go away with my ex, but we had paid thousands and neither of us wanted to let the children down, they had been really looking forward to it.

Anyway, we did the holiday, came back, ex and I will always be ex and I, and if anything, holidays remind me why he's my ex! DH and I are now happily married, and the upset of us being apart while one of us was with an ex is now a distant memory.

Pan · 25/08/2011 17:59

M&W. Think your being a tad 2-faced and inconsistent, if you don't mind me saying?
Besides, you don't really know him, and he isn't exactly demanding you wait for him, is he?

It's a time to be cool and get on with other stuff in your life - not getting yourself 'ill' pondering on the poss. actions of someone else.
Hope it all works out in the end tho'.

Original poster

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 18:04

bubblesincoffee That's a reassuring story to hear, I'm glad everything worked out well for you and your DH.

No they don't have DC, never even lived together.

Pan I don't mean to sound 2 faced (sorry) I would agree I sound inconsistent though. Probably because I've had so much upset in my life in the last year or so that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I suppose I would just like something to work out for me and to feel something other than disappointment for once.

No he isn't demanding I wait for him, I've actually been on a date with someone else in last few weeks. I just really like him though, can't help it. So I brace myself for a let down so I'm not as gutted when it happens (if that makes sense?)

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 25/08/2011 18:08

I had a lover who wanted me to go on holiday with him but I couldn't take leave for the time he could get away. Unknown to me, cue his ex stepping into the breach.

He left his car with me (in inner London it's not a good idea to leave a desirable vehicle on the street unattended for days) and set off to Heathrow. While he was away, I discovered his duplicity.

On the day of his return I parked his car a few roads away and, when he came to collect it, I graciously accepted the gifts he'd bought me and told him he could pick his car up from Heathrow's short term car park where I'd driven it the day he left for his hols.

His tan was immediately erased at the thought of having to pay multiple £s per hour for 2 weeks' extortionate airport parking

Original poster

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 18:11

izzywhizzleyletsgetbusy OMG what a swine, that's shameless.

Nice revenge though, bet that was a treat for him when he was already spent up from his hols, ha!

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Pan · 25/08/2011 18:17

Sorry if it sounded a bit harsh, in the circs.
Of course, get into the mindset that they will have sex on hols. (even if he says they didn't!). But atm that's a bit nothing to do with you, really?
Do the stuff you would do anyway without this distraction. FWIW, don't getall quizzical when he gets back. Massive turn off and will set alarm bells off.

HowlingBitch · 25/08/2011 18:17

Oh izzy, That made me smile.

Wanker.

Original poster

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 18:20

Pan No apology needed, it's fine.

Oh I know they will be having sex, who doesn't feel as horny as hell on holiday? I wouldn't even ask him about it. As long as they don't end up professing undying love and getting back together I will be happy. I'm bracing myself for it happening though, always sensible to expect the worst imo.

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 25/08/2011 18:27

When he hinted that he didn't have anyone to go away with, why didn't you say that you were in the same boat? That may have led to you making plans to go away together.

A couple of years ago I got taken to Cuba by a charming man I'd known for a very short time; he's subsequently become one of my long-term paramours.

Frankly, I think you should be more concerned that you seem to be a younger version of his ex than the fact that they've gone away together.

It's in the lap of the gods as to whether they'll have the holiday from hell or return deeply enamoured with each other, but you should be very careful about drawing negativity into your life by worrying that you'll be disappointed or hurt by the men in your life.

It's the Job effect; 'the thing that I feared is come upon me'.

Stand back, don't put your life on hold waiting to see if he contacts you on his return, and try not to wear your heart on your sleeve or be pathetically grateful if he makes a beeline for your door when he gets back from his hols.

Pan · 25/08/2011 18:31

I think it's quite a good sign you look like his ex- - firm evidence he really fancies you!

Marshmallowflump · 25/08/2011 18:32

Do yourself a favour and just leave it, before he does anymore damage to you you deserve better, who the hell goes away with there ex having met a lovely woman a few weeks before?, sorry he is taking the proverbial.

Hope you go out and meet someone worthy of you.

thesunshinesbrightly · 25/08/2011 18:32

You will get hurt

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 25/08/2011 18:35

He had deep pockets M&W but they were bound by tight purse strings IYSWIM. On that basis alone the liaison I had with him wasn't going to be long-term.

Told me that he'd only gone with his ex because she had a property in the sun and he only had to pay his airfare - and, of course, nothing happened between them during 2 weeks of sun, sea & sangria despite the fact that she was gagging to get him back Yeah, right!

FabbyChic · 25/08/2011 18:46

I could easily go on holiday with my ex, i.e the kids father but I would never sleep with him, I'd rather cut my eyes out, or chop my legs off than sleep with him.

Just because they still get on doesn't mean they are shagging. You should have asked him why they split. Maybe she ended it?

Original poster

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 18:47

Izzy I wish I had said something now. Trouble is I'm used to men that would rather kill themselves then say what they want (it took my ex 7 months to say he loved me ffs) So I literally didn't know what to say. He also made a comment about how much he wanted to be a dad. I told him I was sure he would find the right woman eventually and he looked crestfallen and said "That's not really what I was hoping you would say". I'm so shit!

Do you think it's bad I look a bit like his ex? I hadn't thought of it like that, argh! I mean we aren't a mirror image of each other but we have a similar 'look'. I didn't think anything of it because I have a definite type I'm attracted to as well. Maybe it is a bad thing? (ponders)

I take on board the thing about drawing negativity as well, it's a dreadful habit of mine. I was doing quite well on overcoming it but then me and my DP split and I've gone right back to square one. Must get my self help books back out.

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FabbyChic · 25/08/2011 18:54

Some people have specific types, nothing wrong with you looking alike at all.

CurrySpice · 25/08/2011 18:58

M&W I hate to break this to you but I very much doubt she is his ex. My guess is they are still together. Sorry :(

FabbyChic · 25/08/2011 19:02

OMG some people do remain friends after they break up you know. Just because it does not work out romantically does not mean that they don't get on just means they want different things as a couple.

It's 2011 the old chestnut of prob not an X really bakes my noodles. Me and the kids dad have a great laugh get on really well but as a boyfriend I really do detest him.

Original poster

MilkandWine · 25/08/2011 19:02

*Curryspice) They are definitely not together. I have met his brother and several of his friends who have confirmed it.

Not that it makes me feel any better in the current circumstances.

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