Genuine AIBU: Why doesn't my neighbour want to know me & DD?

[VermiciousKid]

My next door neighbour has a toddler daughter the same age as DD. We attended the same mother and baby groups for the first 6 months and I thought we got on OK - I've always made every effort to be friendly and pleasant.

In recent months, however she and some other mums from the groups all arrange to do things together and exclude me. I wasn't invited to any 1st bithday parties. My neighbour knows that I have no family living locally and no friends with young children, so it can get very, very lonely for me (I have a DP). Despite this she still invites other mums round to her house so I can hear them chatting and their children playing in the garden, while I'm at home alone, uninvited .

I don't expect her to be my best friend by virtue of her living next door, of course not. But for the benefit of our DDs I though we could at least make some effort.

I'm a grown woman in my 30s and should probably know better, but I'll admit I'm REALLY hurt all this. I just don't understand where I've gone wrong that people would knowingly want to hurt me so much.

AIBU to be so upset by this?

I am your neighbour (not really, but I could be).

My neighbour has a DD of a similar age to mine. I like my neighbour, I like her DD. But I do not want to be close friends with her. Not because they aren't likeable, but because I don't want a close friendship with a neighbour.

I don't want the pop-around-anytime kind of relationship with anyone. I want to be able to choose when I have people round. OK that probably makes me unsociable (or antisocial, not sure which is the right word) in many peoples eyes. And if you really lived next door to me you could justifiably write the kind of post you have.

So your neighbours attitude may not about you. She may be just like me.

OP- have you invited her round?

There is a chance that she is afraid that getting pally with the person next door could be a bit claustrophobic. Maybe she had a bad experience with a previous neighbour - the type that just waltzes into your house thinking they have the right because they live next door.

Invite a small group round one weekend, so partners might come too.

Thanks everyone - some really helpful posts here

Some people are just wary of anyone they see as being a bit different from themselves. Judgments are made quickly and on all kinds of criteria. The mums at the dc's school used to be separated into cliques which I hate, so made it my mission to be at least on chatting terms with all the various groups. It took bloody ages though, but is worth it now I feel comfortable whoever I'm standing next to in the playground.

Just be friendly but not pushy when you see your neighbour, and you might find that in time, a friendship develops. I'd love friendly neighbours -we don't have anyone with children in my road.

Look please don't take it to heart, even though its hard not to. She might not be keen on you, and prefer a different personality. I would go out and make your won friends and enjoy yourself.

Lots of good advice here. Just wanted to add don't underestimate the element of luck. My maternity leave was pretty lonely 'cos (with a couple of exceptions) I just didn't "click" with the other mums. In contrast, since DS started nursery I've made friends with quite a few of the other parents, seemingly without trying. I don't think anything new has happened to me, just that I didn't hit it off with one group of people and did with another. I would also say that being friends shouldn't be really hard work, so try to find a set of people you don't have to work so hard with.

I can't see why you want to be friends with her. Reading between the lines, you're probably older, more experienced in the world, 'cooler', an artist, bohemian / hippy, self-employed, open-minded...

None of this is intended to put her down, just to point out that you sound as though you're very different people and the only thing you share is a boundary.

I wonder if she's actually slightly intimidated by you, while at the same time feels you don't have much in common. And she might feel concerned that being neighbours, it'll be harder to back off / disagree with each others parenting decisions.

Your idea of finding older mums that you do have something in common with is much more sensible.

The situation might make a good sit-com, though - two mums, one hippy artist type, one very uptight, thrown together by circumstance. A sort of Good Life, Mummy Version.

This thread really explains a lot. I've been also trying for months to find other mums to meet with. The most agonising thing was that I felt I was letting my DC down. Not that at 19 months he really needs other children's company but that I am so inept at making friends and am not able to set any example at all. We live in a small village where I simply do not have anything in common with locals (my DH and I are both foreigners, rent where everybody owns a house, good 10 years older than first time mothers, have one child when other mums are busy with a new baby and at least one toddler, worked before starting family etc etc). Our only social connection are old ladies we meet weekly in the village hall. They are very kind and at least my DC has some people that smile and joke with him when they see him.

I wouldn't underestimate how quickly your confidence takes a nosedive if you feel excluded. So try building your it up with making social connections where you can not necessarily concentrating on people like you. And don't expect anything in return when you invite people over - it's by no means guaranteed you will be invited back, but you can only try. I feel in turns a teenager at a new school and as if I am dating.

It's bot rude of them OP. She can invite who she wants over to her house.

It's normal to be disappointed, but it would be hypocritcal for her to invite you out of obligation. You would feel a lot worse if you were in her group but totally out of it, if you see what I mean. Being around others you don't gel with is far more lonely than being on your own.

Find friends elsewhere.

My dad gave me a good bit of advice years ago, be friendly with your next door neighbour, but don't become best friends. You will never have any real privacy, anything that's going on in your life your neighbour will know about and so will everyone else if their that way inclined. One 'friend' of mine would see someone pull into my drive and have hopped over the back fence and be in my back door sitting herself down at the kitchen table before my visitors had chance to ring the doorbell. TBH your neighbour couldn't make it more obvious she doesn't want to be your friend and from the way she's acting I don't see why you would want to be hers. Look elsewhere for friends join other groups with your dd good luck

Snippy, a friend of mine had a similar experience. They were thinking of moving at one point, it got that bad. As both were SAHMs at the time, she used to go out a lot just to get away from the feeling of being watched. I know it would put her off getting that friendly with a neighbour again.

OP, not implying you're like this at all!!

Spot on snippy.

I have always kept my neighbours at arms length, as I have seen some of the fall out from best friend/neighbour arguments; it's not pretty.

My neighbour has had countless parties, bbqs and so on and never invited any of us-it never occurred to me that she would . I certainly would not consider it rude!

2 year olds don't need friends anyway and when they are older and they can decide for themselves.

okay your too nervous to have people in your house. All you need to do is to make loads of sandwiches put them on a platter cover it over in tin foil. Buy some crisps and put them by afew bowls. Dont open until they arrive. Make teas/coffees when they are round. As for the kids they will pick afew sandwiches and play whilst you all talk, nice and easy.

Alternatively invite them to join you for a picnic in the park lay out blankets and talk. Pick two mums to chat to ask them questions not to personal like have you been on holiday. Dont overpower the conversation and see what happens.

Out of the groups Ive been friends with Ive always been the oldest at 38 but I can assure you no one cares.

The fact that you have children of similar ages is a coincidence. The fact that you live next door to eachother is also a coincidence. Friendships are usually not built on coincidences, but real rapport! It does not seem like the two of you have it.

My son does not get on with the boy two doors down, and they dont play together. They are similar ages, have similar interests, you should think they would be overjoyed to have a mate so close by. But no, the fact that they are similar ages, boys, neighbours, both like skiing, does not make them good friends. And even if they are both playing out, they ignore eachother.