Genuine AIBU: Why doesn't my neighbour want to know me & DD?

[VermiciousKid]

My next door neighbour has a toddler daughter the same age as DD. We attended the same mother and baby groups for the first 6 months and I thought we got on OK - I've always made every effort to be friendly and pleasant.

In recent months, however she and some other mums from the groups all arrange to do things together and exclude me. I wasn't invited to any 1st bithday parties. My neighbour knows that I have no family living locally and no friends with young children, so it can get very, very lonely for me (I have a DP). Despite this she still invites other mums round to her house so I can hear them chatting and their children playing in the garden, while I'm at home alone, uninvited .

I don't expect her to be my best friend by virtue of her living next door, of course not. But for the benefit of our DDs I though we could at least make some effort.

I'm a grown woman in my 30s and should probably know better, but I'll admit I'm REALLY hurt all this. I just don't understand where I've gone wrong that people would knowingly want to hurt me so much.

AIBU to be so upset by this?

VK, me and mine do unorthodox and weird to the max.
So long as your goal is friendship rather than conversion to whatever you like doing, that is still no barrier to having a social relationship.

I'm VERY nervous about inviting anybody round. I've beet to a few playdates lately and other peoples' homes are palatial in comparison. I'd worry about being judged. Silly, but true.

I suspect I'm a good ten years older than the other mums, am a self employed artist may have a bit to do with it.

More confident seeming, really have your act together... maybe she's a tad intimidated.

She's probably feeling all put out that you haven't invited her round...

Aha! That's your trouble - you're not that comfortable around other people, because of your messy house and unorthodox habits, and you come across as a bit stand offish. Could that be it, do you think?

So the issue is not your neighbour but your insecurities.
So work on something you are comfortable with and use it to have acquaintances and toddlers round.
Picnic?
Bubble party?
I find it is best to celebrate our unorthodox family and the oddities in my home rather than trying to pretend that we are mainstream. Or good at housework.

It sounds as if she's reaching out to the other mums more than you are, and they're happy to get to know her. So unless you start actively forging your own friendship with them you'll continue to look on from the sidelines.

It may just be that she doesn't think you are similar enough to be friends. You are older than the other mums and they might see you as unorthodox. Some people feel happier making friends who are similar to themselves.

It may also be that living so close means she is keeping her distance. I know if I liked someone, but I didn't think we were going to be very close friends, that I would worry about becoming friends with you. Because not being friends and not inviting you to dos at her house with other mums is I think fine. But becoming friends and not inviting you to do's would be rude.

So she may have been happy to invite you to some dos, but fears if she does that she may feel she has to invite you to everything - and doesn't want to.

And nobody is rejecting your daughter. Unless your daughter is a nightmare, invites or lack of them are about you and your relationship with the next door neighbour and absolutely nothing to do with your daughter.

OP. I'm all those things too (well not an artist) AND a foreigner in a very rural, insular village. So I feel your pain. I was very, very lonely for a long time and did feel irrationally excluded by all the other young parents but I did they overcome my shyness and just started going places and inviting myself along to stuff.

Although I wouldn't say I have a large group of friends I have gradually found a few mums I have things in common with and now see mums and their kids about 3 times a week. It helps to get out there and risk it a bit.

Have you thought of joining a LLL group or a NCT toddler type group?

Thanks - some good advice here!

I am slowly making friends with a small group of older mums.

I think I've just got myself into a tizz about how it will affect DD if I don't build a social circle of other toddlers for her.

I'm being a muppet.

Maybe because you are older and have lived there for 11 years she assumes you're sorted and won't want to see them?

I think you shoudl invite them, get some cupcakes and tea and make them feel welcome. Nothing wrong with a cosy house (so long as you baby proof it!) I prefer them to people with super clean big show houses that I am scred to sit down in

I know the situation must sting a bit, but I think YABabitU, sorry. Just because she lives next door to you, doesn't mean that she has to be your friend or invite you to group gatherings. It doesn't mean that she dislikes you, just that either you don't really click, or that she doesn't feel that you would slot into the group dynamic of the mums she has round. The fact that you are 10yrs older and sound a bit different in outlook to them is the most probable reason.

I love the 'good fences make good neighbours' quote above. I became friendly with the woman next door after we moved in, and then when it went pear shaped wished I really wished I'd kept her at arms length. The woman on the other side has a child in the same class as mine, but I don't want to get too friendly because the of the physical proximity. She seems to feel the same way, luckily, so although we're on 'quick pleasant chat, borrow a cup of sugar' terms, neither of us would take it any further than that, I don't think. Maybe your neighbour feels that if she got any friendlier with you, then she'd be duty bound to invite you to everything and be always sitting in each others' houses while the kids played, and she's not up for that? Doesn't reflect badly on you (or her), imo, just that you're not destined to be big buddies.

I second the advice given to make friends elsewhere who you more naturally click with. Maybe you could invite her and her DD round for a coffee and a play, and see if it develops anywhere from there? I certainly wouldn't confront her about it, as someone suggested; she'll think you're a loon! Or ask if her DD would like to come round and play with yours for an hour?

I was in a similar situation when I had my second child. I already had a great set of friends from nct and coffee mornings with my ds, when I met my neighbour at a prenatal yoga class! She worked full time until she had her baby so I had never met her. she was lovely but I didn't want to get to close as wary of falling out with neighbours or having to see them all the time as I like my privacy. Also a lot of my friends have fallen out badly with their neighbours so would rather be a bit distant tbh. My friend had her next door neighbour as a godmother to her dd and then they fall out over a planning issue, and it was awful .

I understand your situation. I know what it's like to spend hours trying to work out what it is that puts other parents off me. Is it that I'm older? Am I a bit weird? Do I speak in an odd way? Do I send off hugely negative vibes? Like you, I have no family/friends around and trudging past cafes full of guffawing mummies does rankle a bit.

It's funny, in seven years of living where I do I have never had so much as a coffee with another mother, yet last year, within a few weeks of taking dd swimming in the next town, I had moved on from the nodding acquaintance to the good chat to the meeting up stage with two women.

I would say don't worry about the neighbour. I'm sure in time your dd may well become friends with the little girl next door through their own efforts rather than because their mums are bosom buddies.

One thing to remember is that when she's older your DD will likely become friends with hers anyways. Just keep on pleasant terms. (Am trying to do the same in my neighbourhood.) Children dont really play together socially until age 2 or later!

Why don't you sort the house so you feel comfortable inviting her round? If you've never invited her why do you think she should invite you!

Toxic mum, avoid! Make new friends, go to a new M&T group.

Similar situation here. I thought I got on well with a neighbour 2 doors down who has a son same age as my DD. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we were chatting and she said that she doesn't want her son to go to the local school. It is "outstanding" according to Ofsted, 10 minutes walk away etc. What reason does she give? Oh, she doesn't like the mums. My DS goes to that school. I am one of those mums. I think that that was a blatant way of saying, go away, I don't like you.

One of the mums of the girls in DD's class who is ten years younger than the others said she doesn't think she fits in and the other mums don't like her. I don't think this is true at all, she is no more 'odd' than anyone else and as far as I know people certainly do like her. It was quite revealing how someone's insecurity can really make things seems as they aren't. I'm sure I've done this to myself at some point too. One of my good friends among the mums is ten years older than me - though you wouldn't think it to look at her. Once I was in my 20s I didn't feel age made much difference at all, I mean people obviously have different references and experiences but that's what makes it interesting!

YANBU. I'd be a bit hurt too. Just try to think; do you really want you and DD around such deliberately rude people. Maybe look on the local section on MN and find some more like minded mums and DCs. Then make suer you invite all them round for a afternoon in the garden, get some and and let the noisy chatter and laughter begin.

VK I am always wary of getting involved socially with neighbours incase it all gets a bit too intense and claustrophobic.

You may have had a lucky escape!

But it is horrid to feel left out, I do sympathise.

"Hmmm. I'm a good ten years older than the other mums, am a self employed artist, real-nappy user and extended breastfeeder. I think they feel I'm maybe a little unorthodox "

Maybe this is how YOU separate yourselves from them? And like you say, you dont feel comfortable having people around to yours, so there would be your reason.

Dont worry about building a social circle for your dd. She will do that herself when old enough to care about such things!

"Hmmm. I'm a good ten years older than the other mums, am a self employed artist, real-nappy user and extended breastfeeder. I think they feel I'm maybe a little unorthodox "

There is nothing wrong with these choices, but you need to find a group of kindred spirts. I think you would be at home with La Leche League or an attachment parenting group. Or maybe go to a class where there is less emphasis on socialisation.

I feel your pain. Social isolation is a cruel thing especially when you have a child. There is a difference between being lonely and alone.

It is impossible to expect everyone to like you. People can be very fickle about what they like or dislike about a person. It ain't fair or an accurate science why some people are more popular than others. It takes a lot of confidence to be a bit excentric.

You need to find people with common interests and focus on those. For example I love music and I have made friends through my children's music groups. I have also made friends through church groups.

Prehaps you could join an evening class to get some social interaction. IMHO mother and toddler groups are deathly boring.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt and left-out, I agree that it is REALLY rude of her to not invite you when you kind of know each other and you also know the people coming over. However I think you should put the effort in one last time, just invite them over for a playdate and see how it goes or suggest walking to the local park together for a run around?

They must have all swapped numbers before the group ended, but you didn't for some reason?

I moved to a new area when DD was nearly 1 and had a few false starts getting to know one woman in particular who lives down the road and has a similar age DC, but this summer we have finally 'clicked' (2 years on!) and are seeing each other more and becoming friends.

I felt she didn't want to know me and was being unfriendly, but looking back she was just busy with other friends/life in general (as was I). Now our DC are going to pre-school together in Sept and we often do playdates.

I'm in a similar situation, my neighbours on either side both have children in my son's class at the small village school, and are always playing in one or other gardens. I've invited them in to mine, but there's always a reason why they can't. In my case I think it might be because the children either side are well behaved little girls, I hear them playing nicely together and having tea parties. I have two noisy boys who prefer running around at speed, bouncing on the trampoline and hitting each other with things.

Neighbour on one side is very nice and will talk to me. Neighbour on other side isn't, she will chat in the playground but then go as soon as anyone more important appears. I care not.

I would have little in common with her anyway, like OP I tend towards the unorthodox. I also think I may be "the only working mum in the village" so miss out on a lot of socialising that way.

it would be good to try and make some friends from outside the area you live in. It seems natural that living so close andhaving kids the same age would mean instant invitations but things can go wrong too quickly and then living next door to each other makes life uncomfortable. I tried so hard when mine were younger to be friends with other mums just so I could feel I was being a good mum and helping my kids find friends - unfortunately for me I only managed to keep hold of the ones who were happy to constantly use me as a free babysitter and I found that other than that I still didn't have any close friend for myself. You need to make friends with people for yourself and don't worry about your dd. Friends come along at pre-school and school and in a few years time your dd can decide if she wants to play with the kid next door - then you get the joy of them falling out over every little thing and that would put a strain on any friendship. It does seem odd that since she has these group meetings she couldn't offer an invite to you just once so if you are determined to find out why then all you can do is invite her over for a cuppa and then try inviting other mums individually until you feel confident enough to have a group meeting at your house. The mums might gossip about your house afterwards though so you have to have a thick skin and be prepared for them to accept your initial invitations out of nosiness more than anhything else! I've got to a point where mine are at school making their own friends and I prefer my own company and it is so relaxing - I have no family around either but dogs make better friends lol!