to make DH go to the GP to discuss...

[HooHa]

Married for 5 years, 2 DCs.

Been to relate. Both had individual counselling.

DH has no sex drive - never has. If I initiate he will reciprocate. After the first couple of years of this game, I have stopped initiating because part of the wole sex thing for me is the being wanted part.

Hundreds of rows later, no change after counselling, I have told him that he needs to discuss this with the GP (as counselling hasn't worked) as though I am prepared to put up with this for now, I cannot guarantee that it will not be a deal breaker in the future.

He has been this way in all of his previous relationships which have all ended due to irreconcilable differences over sex.

I love him, he is a brilliant dad and good husband but I want a great husband.

Have I done wrong here? Feeling the guilt.

Can you set a regular 'sex night'?! I suggested we do Friday sex nights to my DH (I'm the low libido person though). Then neither of you initiate you both accept it IS going to happen. You may have to work hard to set it up though, you need him to agree a routine, like a nice meal and at x o'clock you both go to bed. It can be a bit of a joke too, nudge wink etc. Maybe part of it you get him some risqué reading material too - I think men maybe not as into that than women but you could try.

Although you're last post does make it sound particularly bad. If he deliberately initiates at inconvenient times maybe he's not as willing as you think when you initiate.

I do sympathise with him on the low libido front though. Luckily my DH isn't too bothered.

Oh - I was hoping you's say it was good. That's hard because you not only feel it's under duress but it leaves you unsatisfied as well. My libido is fairly low but I love sex! I agree that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you

No blood tests done as yet - hoping it might be something the GP will suggest.

Maybe I should be thinking about teaching him to love sex but to be honest - I am so turned off by the whole bloody nightmare that sex has become to us that I don't have the will or desire any more. Sex is so connected to the way the other person makes you feel no? I want to be desired not be the one making him do it when I know he would really prefer to be watching telly.

God - this started as an AIBU - and thank you to eberyone for your thoughful and helpful responses but it is breaking my heart that we have got to this point in our relationship. Why can't this just be a non issue as it is for most couples?

I just don't understand.

I wish I had more knowledge about this - there are lots of MNers who do. I do have the utmost sympathy for you. FWIW I think there are a lot of people out there whose sex lives aren't at all straightforward.

Thanks GetAway - great name by the way

thanks - was worried it sounds too aggressive unless you get the context....

Its at times like this that I think affairs have a real reason to exist.

Don't say that Whatmeworry - that's the easy way out no? Besides, I don't really want to be with anyone else, not now anyway.

GetAway - the context doesn't sound like it's that nice a story - hope nothing too crap?

He could be asexual? Or yes, sometimes a medical thing. He does need to get how important this is to you. Some people solve this by having an agreed on open marriage. I guess it would depend on if you feel like you get enough loving touch that isn't sex from him.

HooHa - Ripley says it to the Alien in the film Aliens, who is holding Ripley's "daughter" Newt

What is he like when you do have sex? Does he get into it and make it nice for you or is it all a bit of a chore for him? Does he use pornography? has he got stress/money probs/work probs/just been bereaved etc?

Have you considered going to a nutritionist? I don't mean this tongue in cheek given the "food analogy"!
They may be able to suggest some foods that may improve sex drive - it sounds daft but a friend of mine used to feed her ex strawberries and sunflower seeds every time she wanted some action, she said it worked!

You're not in the wrong.

I've left my ex over this. Not only the lack of sex, but also the unwillingness to consider my feelings about this and unwillingness to try and find a compromise. He only said "you can't force me to have sex" (Which I didn't want to. I wanted him to want it, not to do it out of duty). Well, he couldn't force me to be celibate. So I left.

He needs to realise that just because he's not missing anything, it doesn't mean that everything is ok.

Hooha - I don't think sex is a non-issue for most couples, I think most have issues, especially after they have kids. Also think low/no sex drive in men is more common than you think. I think stressful jobs and a lot of men's tendency to keep things in have a lot to do with it.

I could almost be writing the same about my DH. Though he used to initiate sex for the first two years, he stopped, then we used to still have sex reasonably frequently, which he seemed to enjoy (!) initiated by me. I told him (lots) I found it sexy to feel wanted and for him to initiate it, but he never did (except perhaps when drunk occasionally).

I tried to sort it out a few years ago, and made us sit down and have a really good chat, and it was quite helpful as I realised he worried about things perhaps more than I had given him credit for, like money, work, and his own health (he could seriously help with two of those by stopping smoking :( ).

I have sort of come to terms with it, and think we just need to both make a bit more effort to do nice things together, like have a massage, even if it doesn't result in sex, just get used to touching one another more again.

In the past though I have got quite upset about it and wondered, is it me, am I so unattractive? Is it because I appear so self-sufficient and don't need him? I've even thought (as it seemed to all happen at the same time I started training to be a solicitor and we bought a house) is he 'emasculated' by not being the main breadwinner...

I am struggling to work out what a GP could do if counselling hasn't worked.

I was going to say "I think sex is an issue for more couples than you'd believe" but then I saw Insomnia had got there first.

Honestly, I have seen sooo many posts on MN about a couple with an imbalanced sex drive. It's a very difficult one because neither of you is "right" or "wrong", you are just different.

What do you think about squishy's regular sex night suggestion?

Of course, the suggestion for DH's who post about their DW's lack of interest on MN is somewhat different - cherish your partner, give lots of time and understanding, no pressure for sex evah!, do all the housework and are you sure you're not out of shape/crap in bed etc etc....

Perish the thought that this is sauce for the goose too :o

BTW, a few weeks ago there was a thread on just this topic, and the OP had effectivley said to her DP that he had a year to sort himself out or it was over (she had tried getting him to counselling, chemists, doctore etc to no avail for several years). She got a lot of stick but I thought it had some merit, ie making it clear that while you want to help in every way, there is also a time limiit to how long you will put up with this.

I don't know what I think - lots of suggestions and lots of helpful things.

WidowWadman - I hate having to face it really. I wouldn't leave him now - My DCs are small and I want them to have their dad around them when they're growing up. Also, what right do I have to cause that much disruption in their little lives because I don't get my jollies. I have no reason to end it now, other than the huge sex thing, our lives are together, as a couple if that makes sense.

But, I know that we can do the whole spectrum of things to try to help but inevitably we are just different and I do not think that it will be something that I learn to live with and get over. It will always be there, or not IYSWIM (!) and it will be the reason why we split up in the end.

I love him. But I didn't want a friend who shares children with me. I wanted and still want a husband.

WhatmeWorry - what's different here (I think) is that HooHa's husband has never had much interest, even in previous relationships, so it's not really fair to compare with women who have "gone off" sex for physical or emotional reasons.

GP should do blood tests, it's pretty standard if he has any sort of erectile dysfunction (I'm assuming not tho) or impotence issues. Checking for diabetes and vascular problems is generally up to GP. However, I think the magical words to say to GP (or even to ask about) is a referral to your regional psychosexual clinic. Some areas don't have one and they are subject to NHS funding cuts / whims. However, they are the best place for you and hubbie to go if there is no physical cause for his low sex drive.

I worked in one as a trainee doctor, would go back to it as I am pretty hard to shock or embarrass and as a result of working there for 6 months have no qualms about frank discussions about every flavour of sex and what is going wrong / right. The one I worked in offered an assessment service where both partners were seen separately and together (sometimes the 'problem' person is not the 'problem', I saw the partners and always seemd to ferret out the weird stuff causing the 'patient's' problems - I'm obviously a pervert magnet). If something could be done, a range of therapies were on offer: psychodynamic psychotherapy, CBT and Masters n Johnston type therapy. SOmetimes, tho, we just had to be frank about how people's sexualities can be incompatable and that needed to be faced up to. TBH that was with some of the stranger desires, rather than lack of sex drive.

I think it's important for you to make some space for yourself - what would be a deal breaker, and what would help things? Eg - scheduled sex? Him being more considerate with compliments / noticing you as a woman / touching and cuddling? Or just learning to do more than 5 pumps and a squirt when you do have sex? If the last one, you may have to (ahem) take him in hand yourself... but if he's not putting in the effort n enthusiasm then I can appreciate how frustrating the prospect would be.

Oh sweet, my heart bleeds for you. I know exactly how you feel, and actually came on tonight with the thought of writing something similar.

Dh is a fair bit older than me, and has never really been that interested in sex, which is teamed with erectile disfunction. Not sure which came first, if you pardon the pun, whether the fact that he cant get hard puts him off, or the other way round.

We have young children, I don't want to leave, I couldn't. But I can't live like this, it's breaking my heart and driving me mad. I want to feel sexy, attractive and wanted, but I don't. We have occasional kisses and cuddles but thats it. He doesnt like me touching or groping him, even just in jest.

My head was turned by a guy at work, flirting, chat, more than it should, but it felt so good to be wanted, I actually felt attractive and like a woman. He got into my head and I feel so ashamed that we did something stupid. And now, surprise surprise he doesn't want to know. I'm gutted, feeling used and dirty and ashamed. But I am hoping that something good can come out of this, that it might give me the kick up the arse to actully speak to Dh and see if we can sort it. I dont honestly know whether we can, we have been here so many times before, but I need to give it another try, because honesty I don't know what the alternative is.

In an ideal world, Dh would want me, we would have normal sex life, but deep down in my heart I worry that even if we managed to fix it, I would always fear that he was just doing it to keep me quiet happy. The alternative of me having someone for a purely physical relationship has crossed my mind, but I can't see Dh ever wanting that, and I would worry whether I would be able to separate the two.

Sorry for the spiel, there isn't even any advice here is there? It's a shit state, I wish I had the answers.

X

Oh Dear Patientpartner and HooHa. You both have my sympathy. Surely loving couples can understand the importance of touch. Either men or women who are 'off sex' must still want to comforted and stroked and cuddled and embraced and massaged and tickled and held- these are basic human needs and do not have to involve 'sex'. I struggle to understand how these partners cannot at least engage in the above.
HooHa it sounds like your partner may dislike touch due to this lack of cuddling when he was a child, and I think that is very hard to overcome. I would get plenty of massages and a rabbit vibator if I were you- and then have an open relationship if he is unable to change.
Patientpartner, it sounds like you have not been that patient with the work colleague, and I do not blame you one bit. He may not want to know, and you may feel bad, but a casual sex partner may be the way forward. Was your older partner sexual at the start? If he was I think you may be able to get him to 'play' again, with effort.
Good luck on eand all.

I thought work colleague was going to be a casual thing, but he backed put after the first "incident" guilt I think.

Have talked with Dh tonight, he is going to go to the doctors, he says that an open rrelationship is not an option, so it's a Case of he changes, or we spilt or we live like this forever

Hooha - don't belittle your own needs. It's not "just not getting your jollies". You said it yourself, you want a husband, not just a friend. You're unhappy in this situation, and you can't continue in the long term with it.

It won't do your children any good if you put just up with it for their sake. You'll just start feeling unhappier and unhappier, and I doubt the 'friendship' with your husband will survive either, if you're being condemned to celibacy without him feeling the need to adress it.

I really hope for you you can convince him to seek help, for the sake of your marriage, and that he can be helped, but if not, don't feel guilty about not wanting to give up on sex for the rest of your life. It's not just sex, is it? It's feeling attractive, wanted, etc, too, isn't it? By the time I left my ex, my self confidence was shot to pieces, and it took a long time to get over that. Apologies if I'm just projecting how I felt back then, but you seem clearly unhappy.

i watched a programme a while ago about people who have no sexual drive. I cant remember the correct term for it, but it is a recognised condition. This does not mean that they do not want a relationship/love their partner, they just dont have the urge to be sexual.
I can understand you feeling upset as sexual rejection is one of the ahrdest things to take as you are in a very vunerable position.
I would suggest finding out more about non sexual people and maybe have a chat with someone in that position and see how they feel being on the recieving end of sexual advances that they do not want.
hopefully understanding will help you and your husband