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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be miffed that partner gave his ex wife a lift

53 replies

OnlyHuman · 23/08/2011 00:30

Would it bother you if your partner's ex wife was taking their child on a holiday and your partner picked her up and gave them both a lift to the trainstation?

OP posts:

AlfalfaMum · 23/08/2011 01:05

It would bother me more if my partner hated his ex.

Bubbaluv · 23/08/2011 01:58

YABU. He would have been rude and childish to refuse, and to do that in front of his child would have set a terrible example. Instead he was civil and mature and demonstrated for his daughter that a good man isn't petty and vindictive.
Did he actually lie or did he just fail to mention it? I'd be angry if he lied, but if he know it would upset you I can see why he might just not mention it.
Also, it doesn't strike me as particularly news-worthy so maybe he didn't mention it because he never thought it worth mentioning?

ZacharyQuack · 23/08/2011 02:16

I would think that it is A Good Thing that my DH and his ex were civil to each other. Miles better than the alternative.

The only issue I would see are if the DH felt he had to lie about it.

TillyIpswitch · 23/08/2011 02:34

You'd rather your DP was the sort of petty type pf person who would refuse to give his ex a lift somewhere just because he doesn't like her?

Look at it from the his child's perspective.

How do you think the child would would feel if he refused to give her Mum a lift, just becuause he doesn't like her?

Even when you're too young to understand adult relationships that sort of thing just wouldn't sit right. And to then look back on that sort of behaviour in later years with adult understanding, you'd probably think your Dad was petty/pathetic/grudge-holding/immature (delete as applicable). Nobody sensible wants their child to think of them like that.

I reckon one of three things are going on here...

You're quite young yourself and maybe lack a bit of confidence to see that this is Just Giving Someone A Lift In A Car

This is a new relationship and you therefore maybe lack a bit of confidence to see that this is Just Giving Someone A Lift In A Car

(and most unlikely) He left her for you and you maybe feel a bit threatened by her.

Honestly, just be thankful that he's a mature functioning adult who doesn't get bogged down in pettiness.

Slur · 23/08/2011 02:59

yup seems perfectly reasonable to give an ex a lift, feels liek other ishoos here...

(and wot tilly said)

Morloth · 23/08/2011 03:24

YABU, it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

What would be the point in her making her own way there if they are going near her place and she would be meeting them there anyway?

How bizarre.

Shutupanddrive · 23/08/2011 07:15

No it wouldn't bother me at all, they have a child together so will have to try and get along for his sake

Sofabitch · 23/08/2011 07:19

I think it sounds a perfectly reasonable thing to do. They have a child together. Like it or not they are always going to be a big part of each others lives and if they can do that on good friendly terms it is going to make life much easier.

jester68 · 23/08/2011 07:22

No not at all. My partner has an ex and they have a son together. Would not bother me in the slightest.

My brother will pick up his ex from shopping, take her and kids to emergency appointments etc. He has also given her and the kids lifts back to her house when he has been dropping kids off from access visits and she has been somewhere else (ie: parents/friends etc).
He is with another partner now and they have a baby- she is not bothered.

At the end of the day he is also doing it for his children just like your partner is.

Why does it bother you so much???

Cheria · 23/08/2011 07:26

YABVU. Sounds like he is being mature and reasonable. Unlike you. Get over it.

summertimeblews · 23/08/2011 08:25

blimey you sound very insecure and immature

Himalayanbalsam · 23/08/2011 08:30

Yabu - and tbh I can see why he didn't tell you. What is the problem with giving someone a lift?

mymummyisasquarehead · 23/08/2011 08:32

You need to grow up. They have a child together, what on earth is the big deal here?
You have trust issues.

ChristinedePizan · 23/08/2011 08:33

I cannot bear it when people use the term 'the child'. It's so cold! Anyway, YABU - it would be childish and petty to ask her to make her own way there

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 23/08/2011 08:37

YABU

But no doubt there will now be some scenario revealed whereby the OP is a long suffering saint, the ex a stalker, and the OH a spineless idiot.

tabulahrasa · 23/08/2011 08:51

OMG a lift? So she was in his car, with their child and he took them somewhere they needed to be?

I can't believe people do things like that, imagine being helpful to the mother of your child - he should have the decency to be petty and obstructive like any other self-respecting ex.

You should leave the bastard, who knows where thus could lead to, I mean he might always be willing to have people in his car - I wouldn't stand for it.

wannaBe · 23/08/2011 08:51

I don't get this idea that because someone is an ex one should hate them.

This need for one's partner to distance from the ex has IMO far more to do with the current partner's insecurity than the relationship between the two ex's..

Vicky2011 · 23/08/2011 10:45

From what you have written here, YABU. Sounds like your DP is being the mature one here. He may very well hate his ex but is making an effort not to be petty for the sake of his daughter. Like a responsible father should.

pozzled · 23/08/2011 10:50

I'd expect DH to offer a lift in the circumstance you describe- if he was going that way, or close to that way. It would be rude and childish NOT to give her a lift IMO.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 10:57

He wouldn't have mentioned it if you hadn't asked? Do you have reason to feel jealous? Why wouldn't he pick up his child's mother if he was taking their child to the airport to go on holiday together??? Much less hassle than finding short term parking and going in with the child to wait for the other parent - 14 is not a baby but I can see that you might not want to leave one to hang around in an airport alone.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 11:00

Station not airport. Still applies.

Gonzo33 · 23/08/2011 11:02

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my husband gave his exgf anywhere with their son. It is commonsense surely?

Now if it was the other way round that would be a different issue because my husband would be concerned for my safety.

momobiker · 23/08/2011 11:05

I have given dp's ex a lift several times.

Why is it a problem?

niceguy2 · 23/08/2011 11:10

I used to live with someone who made a BIG deal out of any interaction I had with my kids mum. Despite us trying to get along best we could for the sake of the kids. I remember once going to hospital with our son and we went together. To me it was logical. We were going to the same place, at the same time with OUR son. To my GF it was wrong (again). I could give you a million other examples. Over time I found myself hiding what I was doing just for an easy life which then of course made things worse if she found out.

Long story cut short, she's my EX now.

flowery · 23/08/2011 11:39

"well its funny how he always makes out to me that he hates her and can't stand to be around her yet behind my back he's organising lifts etc with her. Why say one thing and then act differently behind my back?"

I expect it's because he knows you'll react like this to him doing something perfectly normal and reasonable, so has learned that it's easiest just not to tell you.

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