To wonder what an "overprotective parent" is?

[Mitmoo]

As an example:

My ex tells my son (14) I am overprotective because I won't allow him to go fishing near rivers or lakes where there is no one else around but he can go to his local fishery where there is a bailliff, cafe and he knows the owners really well and most of the other people who fish there.

Yesterday he went to the park with a friend, this is only the second time he has done that this holiday, might be third but within the hour, he had fallen into a pond (doing something silly), was sinking into black silty stuff, his friend had to pull him out, as he couldn't get out by himself, which thankfully he managed then friend called me as he was waist high in dirt and needed me. I was naturally scared that he had got so close to getting into some very real bother. Park manager drove me from carpark to field where the pond is and told me that the pond was their worst nightmare, that they believed there would be a fatality there one day.

I've had the chat about "what if you had been on your own?" and he gets it now after weeks of telling me (repeating ex husbands words) that I'm overprotective.

So AIBU to wonder where the line is drawn between an "overprotective parent" and when is it just a parent who is using some old fashioned common sense?

A very good definition Bonsoir-I can't think of a better one.

It is also overprotective if you go against perfectly sensible rules e.g. the local swimming pool has a notice that 8yr olds haveto go into the appropriate same sex changing rules but you ignore it and take your 8yr old into the ladies with you.

(none of this is to do with SN which is different)

Sorry should have read 8yr old DS

theas To explain, he has only been to the park with mates a couple of times this summer, not in his entire life. The reason he hasn't is that he is obsessive about other hobbies so has no desire to go to the park as involved in other activities. He is not stopped from going, he doesn't want to go.

It's not the fishing but the fishing alone that bothers me, because if he falls in there is no one to raise the alarm or help to get him out and his phone would be wrecked. He fishes without me at a local fishery where we know the bailliff, other fishers and owners who would all help if he needed it.

Custard fishing sounds like such a safe hobby, quiet and chilling. About six months ago at fishing he was opening a tin of sweetcorn (bait) and cut his finger rather badly, I held it with my hand while getting him up to the bailliff with son in a panic at the sight of the blood to get first aid.

Ended up with a trip to hospital, stitches and me joking with the nurse that only my son could end up in hospital when fishing, she said they had loads of fishing accidents, barbed hooks in fingers that kind of thing, people falling in but because they are areas with rats there is a risk of Weils (eek sp) disease if they have open wounds already.

So you're right it's not just for kids, adults should be sensible too.

It would seem to me to be negligent not to factor in the risks in, to me overprotective would be to stop them fishing in case they got hurt but not to allow it in places where if they get into difficulty there are people around who can help.

exotic Thankfully I've never met a parent who 100% risk assess until their child is 18. I can't imagine most children allowing that to be honest, without rebelling. It would seem irrational but it takes all sorts I guess.

Mitmoo my DS [17] has suspected ASD among other LD's and if I could get him to go out on his own it would be great the fact that your DS goes out himself proves your doing a good job and aren't being over protective you are just letting him do things that you know he will be able to manage on his own.

borders thanks it's been a long slog, I've spent hours at the fishery, scrap that probably weeks getting him to know the people there, building up his confidence etc. getting to the point where he can be left there. He wanted the step too far for me which was being left with no one around at all by rivers or lakes.

Thankfully his feature performance as the creature from the black lagoon at the weekend has put paid to more requests.

Since there have been on here an adult who is frightened to live without family, a 22yr old male who only goes out with mother and another 22 yr old whose mother tells her who she can go on holiday with, 17yr old who can't go to an open day alone because they couldn't cope with a train I think there are plenty of 'cotton wool' parents.

Thankfully I don't see MN extreme cases as representative, I've certainly never met a "cotton wool" parent who would try to baby adults, though not saying there aren't extreme examples. The examples given, if there are not mental health issues involved reminds me of the character in Little Britain who wants "bitty".

I have to say that I only know a few in RL, but they abound on MN. I know that they would have called SS over me-they have said so!

I know very over protective parents - such as one who won't let their very sensible DC pay football with friends in green space directly outside their house.

As your DC has SN issues, the rules you are setting may ne appropriate. But tbh all young and older adults should be able to cope with being by themselves in places where there isn't anyone to help round about.

Sorry meant to say their DS is 14.

lesley It seems irresponsible to me to put any child in a situation where they are unlikely to be able to cope, and have no one around to help them.

Surely a part of being a parent is to give them some independence but teaching them where to get help if they need it and the parent is not around?

Oh, I know a very cotton wool mum. She won't allow her 15 year old DD to watch films, regardless of rating, until she has seen them first to check for nudity, language, insinuation etc.

The latest was a refusal to allow her daughter to watch Twilight due to topless-ness.

I think, mitmoo that in this case you are not being too over-protective. However, I also think that children/teenagers need to put themselves in a certain amount of danger to learn an appropriate survival instinct. It's a tricky one to call!

Blimey Mitmoo your life is one long drama isn't it?!

I agree with you Mitmoo about an appropriate level of independence and teaching DC where to get help. I was disagreeing more with statements some others made that nobody should be alone somewhere isolated. I think thats rubbish. Yes dangers can happen, but adults should be able to assess them and take appropriate action.

For example, walking in the hills alone - fine if you are prepared, have a map you can read, have suitable clothing etc, and have told someone where you are going and when you will be back. That way if you don't appear, police will be informed and someone will look for you. This basic planning means that even if you are badly hurt and suffer say a broken leg, you should be rescued.

So it makes sense to plan, but i don't agree with general statements that we should all avoid being alone somewhere slightly isolated/quietier.

wineandPizza Kid falls into pond - drama? What a dull and boring quiet life you must enjoy.

More isolated the places, the higher the risk as there is no help. I've watched a few rescue programmes over the years where the walkers can't even read a map and then wonder why they can't get back. So you're right.

In the fishing alone scenario, if he went in the water, he could swim but his phone would be wrecked in all likelihood, no one to call, if it was like the weekend he couldn't have got out. So there were no safety nets that I could put in place for river fishing alone.

An overprotective parent is one that makes their kid wear a helmet when playing in the park aka my SIL

It has become a standing joke in my family that Mum will go apeshit if DS1 and 2 do anything that involves climbing, water, etc.... she's being a mum! also amused at the list of warnings whenever they are going away even on a sleepover, general rule is if it is risky... take DAD he is far more easygoing and less likely to panic than me who is blessed with an over active imagination. that said both boys are now quite sensible and i am sure take normal risks when i am not there to see and the days of being called by a local coastguard to be told DS1 on his way to hospital after jumping from a rock into the sea are now well and truly over ( after 8 hours in A&E he lived to tell the tale fortunately)

Thing is, they are more likely to get into some sort of trouble if they are in a group, rather than on their own iyswim. Seems counter-intuitive, but I always worry more about mine when they are in groups than alone.