To wonder what an "overprotective parent" is?

[Mitmoo]

As an example:

My ex tells my son (14) I am overprotective because I won't allow him to go fishing near rivers or lakes where there is no one else around but he can go to his local fishery where there is a bailliff, cafe and he knows the owners really well and most of the other people who fish there.

Yesterday he went to the park with a friend, this is only the second time he has done that this holiday, might be third but within the hour, he had fallen into a pond (doing something silly), was sinking into black silty stuff, his friend had to pull him out, as he couldn't get out by himself, which thankfully he managed then friend called me as he was waist high in dirt and needed me. I was naturally scared that he had got so close to getting into some very real bother. Park manager drove me from carpark to field where the pond is and told me that the pond was their worst nightmare, that they believed there would be a fatality there one day.

I've had the chat about "what if you had been on your own?" and he gets it now after weeks of telling me (repeating ex husbands words) that I'm overprotective.

So AIBU to wonder where the line is drawn between an "overprotective parent" and when is it just a parent who is using some old fashioned common sense?

[duckdodgers]

I agree with posters who say learning about risks and how to manage them is an important part of life but I think if your DS has autism then you yourself will know how this affects his ability to do this and what you need to be sure about.

Its funny Im talking about this on another thread regarding trampolines as a poster has said chidlren shouldnt be allowed on them due to the risk of injury. Just highlights to me I guess how we all think differently about what as parents we term "risky" behaviour and what we dont, about letting children have the freedom to grow up and be independant, not just physically but emotionally to from their parents. I treat a lot of adults in my job with emotional difficulties due to their parents being overprotective of them as children, and suddenly finding the world a big scarey place.

[niceguy2]

I think it's hard when your child has HFA. My brother has autism so I know how tiring it can be.

But for a normal child i think risk is something you have to teach them from a young age. Appropriately of course.

If you don't let them hurt themselves falling off slides, trampolines etc. How do you expect them to be able to judge what danger is when older?

I often say our main job as a parent is not to keep them safe. It's to teach them to stand on their own two feet. And one of the most, if not THE most important lessons here is risk evaluation.

There's no point in bringing up a child to adulthood who's never been in any scrapes then saying at 18, "Right...off you go then!" They'd just crumble.

[ragged]

Even people with HFA have to learn about risk, maybe a bit more slowly, but ultimately they'll be needing to judge (and make mistakes) on their own. I don't think it's a get-out clause.

Do you think he's learnt a lesson, OP? If so, then ultimately this has been a positive experience in his life, I dare think.

Well done you for getting the clothes clean... but why you? Wouldn't it be better if your DS was closely involved with getting them clean? Double the lessons to be learnt :).

[Mitmoo]

AS as you say is not a get out clause but it does mean risks have to be assessed with AS factored in. Some days he'll be able to do the same things as his peer groups, other days I'll have to keep all the upstairs windows locked in case he tries to jump out of them.

ragged yes definately learned the lesson and learned cheaply too with no real harm done. I am oddly pleased that it happened because now he can see there were reasons for my "overprotectiveness". DS was kicked straight to the shower and I needed that crap out before it had a chance to dry, so I sorted the clothes, it was only a hose down and a sports wash.

[summertimeblews]

going by past posts, i would say you are very over protective OP

i fell in a pond once with my bike, just got out and pedalled off, dont think my mum ever knew

got stuck in the mud once looking for cockles with other kids, had to step out and leave my wellies behind, think i must have been 7 or 8, again dont recall my mum ever flapping

[Insomnia11]

I don't think the older generations were quite so blase as you might imagine, I remember my grandparents (war time generation) when they came to live with us being worried about me walking to school on my own when I was in year 6 or going to the local shops on my own. My parents were ok with it.

[MugglesandLuna]

We grew up in a village that has a river running through it. Most summer days from when I was 10 we would swim in the rives, and jump off bridges into it.

And that was only 18 years ago - let him live a little.

[Whatmeworry]

yes I think it is, but that's a different thread, so why bring it up here

Well, its germane in that judging by the OP's previous posts I think she is on the over-protectionist end of the scale is all. This sounds like a Very Normal Childhood Scrape to me.

[ZZZenAgain]

you draw the line between common sense and overprotectiveness at the point which feels appropriate for you and never mind what anyone else does. you have to be comfortable with it.

The difficult thing in your situation is that you and dh don't see eye to eye on this but I would say both have to move a little bit in the other's direction. At some point ds is grown up enough that you really have no choice in the matter, he will do what he will do. In the meantime, the task is to be gradually moving him along to the point that when he is on his own, he will be able to assess things and deal with them as they come up.

There is no absolute right and wrong of it.

[Whatmeworry]

There is no absolute right and wrong of it

I'm not so sure of that - as someone earlier noted, you can't keep them protected and then just unzip the cotton wool at 18 and throw them out into the world without a clue.

To my mind that is failing your children.

I think there does have to be a process of letting go, and even creating challenges, so they are ready by 18 or so.

And that entails some risks.

[Mitmoo]

you draw the line between common sense and overprotectiveness at the point which feels appropriate for you and never mind what anyone else does. you have to be comfortable with it.

The difficult thing in your situation is that you and dh don't see eye to eye
There is no absolute right and wrong of it.

Of course there isn't because it all depends on the ability of the child. It is difficult because he is not the DH but the Ex H who has never been a parent he is a person who takes him out as and when he feels like it while never seeing or appreciating the consequences of his behaviourl I am the parent who has to mop it all up.

[Sofabitch]

Honestly. Sometimes when I look back at the things I did as a teenage I wonder how I made it out alive. I think the ASD slant does change things slightly but at 14 he isn't really a child. He could move out in 2 years. Life is all about managing risks. As a parent you do sometimes have to stand back. You can't wrap them in cotton wool forever. Accidents will happen but you can't live your life in total fear of the might be's

[exoticfruits]

There is no point in the parent having the common sense-the DC needs to develop it-which they won't do if never given the chance. Everyone learns best from their own experience and mistakes.
Wrapping them in cotton wool makes you feel safe, but is lazy parenting-the difficult parenting is giving them wings.

[exoticfruits]

They have to assess risk and deal with it-themselves. This needs to be gradual or they go off to university completely naive which puts them in great danger. Going

[exoticfruits]

posted to soon! Going to the park with a friend, at 14yrs, is an appropriate risk for the age.

[Sofabitch]

My children go to the park with friends at 9&10 so I'd say not really appropriate. Heading into town on the train/bus etc

[Sofabitch]

Is more appropriate. Sorry posted too soon

[exoticfruits]

They are going to be rather left out of things if they don't start to go to the park with friends before 14yrs.

[gotolder]

mitmoo My DS (no SN) was also an obsessed fishing nut at the same sort of age and my rule was the same - no fishing alone at the local pool which was miles from closest road or population. He thought that I was "over protective" until his best friend (who fortunately was NOT alone) had a fit of some kind ( not epileptic ) and fell face down into the water- friend pulled him out, saved his life. DS was shocked at how easy it could have been for best friend to have died, never wanted to go there alone again.

There are some "petty" rules that have common sense behind them.

[Mitmoo]

exotic the park is not an issue, he hasn't gone down there because he doesn't want to he has other hobbies he is obsessive about.

Lazy parents exotic are parents who don't risk assess, let their kids do what they want whether they have the skills or not. Parents who care, assess where their childs boundaries should be for their abilities.

At the extreme there was a parent of a child on R5Live forget the age but 13 or 14 whose son was jailed for rioting. Her child had a condition where he didn't see danger, but she let him out knowing the riots were happening asking "what can I do lock him up?" Now that is lazy parenting. She knew he wouldn't be able to assess danger and let him go anyway. This is what I mean where I say where are the lines?

Gettingolder that's precisely it, if there is no one else around and he fell in, no one would be there to help or raise the alarm. I am glad your son's friend is OK and your son has learned the lesson, just as mine now has.

[exoticfruits]

Of course parents risk assess first-but they then let their DC into a situation where they will have to risk assess at an appropriate stage. If the parent has done all the risk assessing up to 18yrs it is irresponsible to launch your young adult out into the world.

[Mitmoo]

No one is suggesting 100% risk assessing until the age of 18 because that would be totally irrational. DO you think there are parents who do that?

[exoticfruits]

Unfortunately yes.

[Bonsoir]

Being "overprotective" is when you won't let your children take the next developmental step even when they are fully prepared and ready for it, it is within their grasp and capabilities and it is standard within their peer group to be taking such a step.

[Theas18]

Dunno.

He may have HFA but he's got to function in society as an adult (ish) by 16. -18 hrs.

IMHO the fact he has only gone to the park a couple of times with a friend at 14 is " overprotective" yes but clearly he isn't ready to fish alone. . You have to build up baby steps - get im competent at this first - before he goes fishing alone. Explain it to him- he needs to demonstrate say for 3 months that he can keep himself safe in small tasks before you'll think about bigger ones like fishing alone.

The spike in child (especially boy) traffic casualties at 11-12 is both because they are boys out alone and risk taking as they will, but also they genuinely have immature ability to judge speed at that age.

If it helps I'm a pretty laid back parent- I like to think they've been risk assessing things lifelong , thinking round the " what ifs" before they go - initially talking through then with me and now (12 15 18) thinking it through themselves. They were going to the park etc with mates by 11 ( major risk here is the roads) but I'm not sure about fishing alone for a whole day at 14 even for them. Being alone makes risk much more difficult to deal with- even a twisted ankle on the way to the fishing spot in a mobile black spot becomes a whole new level of risk ( and rural phone coverage ie dire generally).

The girls secondary I'd excellent re risk generally. On trips they are allowed out in groups but minimum 3 as that is 1 to have an accident, 1 to stay with them and 1 to get help!