Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be really suspicious of this man/future date

68 replies

wrongweek · 22/08/2011 07:57

We met online and chatted via email, he quickly asked for my facebook and skype and we started shatting on that. Within days he de registered on the dating site.
We were swapping texts all day and he seemed like a nice guy.
We set a date, last monday.
He was away last weekend and i was busy, but he seemed to just vanish and no firm plans had been made, but i was still getting random texts from him, to which i would reply and then he wouldnt reply. I think thats odd.
We spoke via skype on the monday, the day we were meant to be meeting and he said nothing of it at all. I said i wsa busy and left.
About an hour later a got atext saying he was sorry, he thought i didnt like him and had got depressed. He said he has bi polar and is a recovered from a eating disorder.
I tried to re assure him i did like him and that i was interested but didnt seem to get anywhere.

I just think its too much hard work before we have even met.

Then, i get texts at odd times, always before 6am and then all day, and then nothing in the evening till gone 11:30. Or he texts to say hes tired and going to bed and then i see on his facebook wall ( added at his request) that hes talking to people at 1am!!

Something doesnt add up for me, i feel really suspicious, but that is the general stance i take when it comes to men anyway.
SO - AIBU to have doubts, should i give him a chance?

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 22/08/2011 13:15

Move on. Too much hassle, before it's even started.

And he sounds as if he's already in a relationship tbh.

electra · 22/08/2011 13:25

oh, I am not saying she should have a relationship with him out of sympathy. Rather that it's unfair to write people off immediately as having too much baggage because they have mental health issues. I see it that way because I've been on the receiving end of it and it's not pleasant.

OTOH, I totally agree that you can't put your illness on anyone else and it is you alone who has to take responsibility for your actions whether you are well or not.

RevoltingPeasant · 22/08/2011 13:31

But electra it's not like she really likes him, thinks he is no hassle etc - THEN found out that he is bipolar and suddenly ditched him. I agree that writing someone off just because they've said they have MH issues is saddening and unnecessary but if someone you barely know gives you the run-around and then tries to blame it on his MH, that is surely not a good sign?

electra · 22/08/2011 13:36

No, not at all. I agree it does not sound good. It's probably not appropriate for him to bring up his MH issues before they've even met. And the fact he has suggests that they are impacting on his life right now. I was talking in more general terms.

lubeybooby · 22/08/2011 13:38

Leg it! Sounds like he could be married or attached and even if he isn't he has some serious issues. Way too many to be dateable. Get rid.

Shutupanddrive · 22/08/2011 13:42

Get rid

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 13:43

Well it's not that, MH aside the inappropriate texts making op feel uncomfortable. That's enough to put people off. I have had different MH issues and found a relationship when I was under control and better.the mans behaviour just sounds iffy and the relationship hasn't even started. So if I were the op I would just say that it won't work and leave it at that

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 22/08/2011 13:51

Too many things about this particular catch don't add up.

Block him, forget him, and keep casting your rod - there's plenty more fish out there.

Brainhurtsandconfused · 22/08/2011 13:51

I didn't think that Electra was aiming it at the OP but at the posters that said an eating disorder and bipolar would be enough in itself to make them run for the hills, and just highlights the depressing stigma attached to MH issues.

Original poster

wrongweek · 22/08/2011 16:22

MH problems on their own wouldnt cause me to just forget it, ive a friend who has quite bad problems, and thats fine.
HOWEVER, his behaviour is weird. Having difficulties is fine, but im not in a place where i want to support someone through that, especially somone i dont even know. My time, engery and committment is to my own family unit and i think thats a fair point.

My ex husband told lots of lies and i most certainly do not want to get mixed up with that again either.

I dont need a relationship, im quite happy on my own and if i do ever get into another relationship, then it will need to be one where i feel chased after a little, and worth a lot, not someone whos behaving so oddly before ive even met him.

OP posts:

fit2drop · 22/08/2011 16:36

I work with people with poor/recurring /enduring MH issues, I doubt very much he has MH issues anyway,(not sure why, just a feeling) I think he is using it as a sympathy cop-out. He sounds like a player to me.
This from the girl with an ex who told her he had a shadow on his lung and had 6 months to live and still married him 9 years and dozens of (his) affairs later
so maybe Im just a cynical cow

electra · 22/08/2011 17:14

god, fit2drop - poor you, how awful

GloriaVanderbilt · 22/08/2011 18:57

I was never that worried about mH issues (having depression/ED myself) but then I had a friend who went seriously off the rails and tbh her demands and behaviour really freaked me out (and my children)

we hid behind the sofa when she knocked on the door for the twentieth time. As soon as she came in the baby started to cry. She was not acting like a normal person and I/we could not cope with it.

She tried to apologise a couple of times but I was so upset by what had happened that I just could not face being friends any more, despite her having got treatment...she wasn't completely ok even then. I still feel bad about it, she was a lovely person and still is I think but I could not handle her problems.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/08/2011 19:05

The MH stuff is a red herring. You're uneasy because your bullshit detector has gone off. He is sooooo married. And a shit liar.

fit2drop · 22/08/2011 19:20

Absolutely what ChickensHaveNoEyebrows
says, so much more eloquently than I did.

electra not so much poor me , more "how stupid was I"
very stupid thats how stupid..

The fact that he didnt take meds or see a consultant did not register with me at all, So I have to take some responsibility for marrying the knob.

OP the only steps to take here are huge ones in the opposite direction ....but you know that.

FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 19:24

You don;t get to be a certain age without baggage, I have suffered from severe depression but would not mention it to someone.

He disappeared at the weekend which could mean he has family.

cottonreels · 22/08/2011 21:10

run a mile, theres someone else for you.

Hatesponge · 22/08/2011 21:19

This would set off my bullshit radar straight away. Either he's a consumate liar, or he has genuine but serious issues.

I'm habitually single (in fact have a thread about my dateless state :)) so possibly not the best person to give advice, however I know as a LP I have enough on my plate already, and the prospect of getting involved with someone who's going to be such hard work really wouldn't appeal. IMO dating shouldn't be hassle right from the word go.

Flip

1 2 3