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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really suspicious of this man/future date

68 replies

wrongweek · 22/08/2011 07:57

We met online and chatted via email, he quickly asked for my facebook and skype and we started shatting on that. Within days he de registered on the dating site.
We were swapping texts all day and he seemed like a nice guy.
We set a date, last monday.
He was away last weekend and i was busy, but he seemed to just vanish and no firm plans had been made, but i was still getting random texts from him, to which i would reply and then he wouldnt reply. I think thats odd.
We spoke via skype on the monday, the day we were meant to be meeting and he said nothing of it at all. I said i wsa busy and left.
About an hour later a got atext saying he was sorry, he thought i didnt like him and had got depressed. He said he has bi polar and is a recovered from a eating disorder.
I tried to re assure him i did like him and that i was interested but didnt seem to get anywhere.

I just think its too much hard work before we have even met.

Then, i get texts at odd times, always before 6am and then all day, and then nothing in the evening till gone 11:30. Or he texts to say hes tired and going to bed and then i see on his facebook wall ( added at his request) that hes talking to people at 1am!!

Something doesnt add up for me, i feel really suspicious, but that is the general stance i take when it comes to men anyway.
SO - AIBU to have doubts, should i give him a chance?

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 22/08/2011 09:44

Did you pick him up on that? The mother thing?

Gonzo33 · 22/08/2011 09:54

With MadameOvary on this one, my exh was similar to start with and that was a very toxic relationship too.

Run away as fast as you can.

Original poster

wrongweek · 22/08/2011 09:54

no, i didnt
There is no need to have an confrontation with someone ive not met, who means nothing at all to me.

@marriedinwhite, while they are very good ideas, i can assure you i have a very full and interesting life, Too interesting really, i was only told last weekend that you wouldnt believe somoene would have done/experienced/did so much and my friend, who ive known since i was 3 said they had to vouch for me, becuase sometimes things seem far fetched. I am intelligent and i have plenty of social skills.

The unfortunate thing is that, being a lone parent, joining an evening group, or even going out regulary is quite difficult and day to day i come into no contact with ANY men at all.

OP posts:

Gonzo33 · 22/08/2011 09:57

Oh and I pressed post before saying that it also sounds like he is a married if he can't contact you or you him during core hours of the day

Original poster

wrongweek · 22/08/2011 10:00

no, its only during the day time. or early in the morning or very late at night.

I dont think hes married, im on his facebook, it appears he shares a flat with a male friend.

BUT i do wonder if hes seeing someone, though there is nothing obvious, its just weird with the contact thing.

In any case, it doesnt matter, i cant be doing with it, and just needed someone to tell me i wasnt BU.

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 22/08/2011 10:08

wrong week what are you fretting on? He's lying to you, I wouldn't even be surprised if he doesn't have MH issues. You don't even have to bother binning him.

Move on, get back to the dating site and find someone worth being with. I don't know why you are giving him a second thought.

iscream · 22/08/2011 10:08

He may be awake all night until the next afternoon, then sleeping until evening. You are not bu at all.

Original poster

wrongweek · 22/08/2011 10:10

no, hes working. He has a good job.

Oh, i never left the dating site, im not naieve. Im not fretting, just a bit confused as to whats going on and why someone would even bother. Makes no sense to me at all.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 10:18

Walk away if I were you, keep him as a friend but nothing more. Just because h has problems does not mean you are obliged to go out with him. This is too much too early

droves · 22/08/2011 10:22

Hes told you hes bi-polar . The way his behaviour is , it sounds like hes being a bit erratic , probably having a tough time keeping control of the bi-polar ,mabey not taking meds.

Such a horrible condition .... But dont be stupid here ... he is being a hassle and youve not even met. Can you imagine the hassle you`d get 6 months down the line ? .

Best thing is to walk away ...you dont need the hassle and neither does your child/children.

This bloke just not for you , but there is plenty of nice men out there. .

FreudianSlipper · 22/08/2011 10:23

i repeat not weird he is a liar

and he is probably lying about the mh issues too, its pulling you in to cover for the other lies and that is exactly what he wants and it is working, we have all been fooled at some point by a liar

also fb you can create a whole new persona, choose who sees what its not really the best way to judge if someone is lying or not

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 22/08/2011 10:26

Hes told you hes bi-polar . The way his behaviour is , it sounds like hes being a bit erratic , probably having a tough time keeping control of the bi-polar ,mabey not taking meds.

I agree with that.

Original poster

wrongweek · 22/08/2011 10:43

and i maybe think that a little bit too, so it feel a bit awful and a bit like a bitch.

Ive worked in the mental health field and i know what its like, and i know how people can be, and he texts me things like ' hello lover', which is silly and makes me feel uncomftable.

I dont want to be mean and make things worse for him, but also i dont want to be lied to, or have to deal with someone elses problems, when ive not even met them.

OP posts:

alphabettyspagghetti · 22/08/2011 10:52

By not being mean to him you are just setting yourself up for a load of grief and dissapointment.

Cut him out of your life and run for the hills. Do yourself a favour.

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 10:59

Look op you are doing nothing wrong, cut it dead now,don't feel guilty.

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 11:01

Just the texts of that nature would send me running.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 22/08/2011 11:20

You have to think about what is best for you and no one else (except your dcs of course).

purplepidjin · 22/08/2011 11:26

MH problems = not a barrier to a healthy relationship.

Blaming MH problems for shitty behaviour = run away fast.

Refusing to acknowledge or accept treatment for MH problems = run away fast.

DP knew about mine from about 3 weeks after we started chatting online/by text. I had to explain why I was always available and not working I also confided in him how I was dealing with it... But he knew none of it until I felt I could trust him iyswim

msshapelybottom · 22/08/2011 11:30

OP, you don't owe this man anything. You don't have to be cruel, just be factual - "I don't want to take this any further" will do.

Dating is supposed to be fun :) This doesn't sound fun.

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 12:34

The first thing I thought on reading your post was 'he must be married'. Maybe not the case, though it does seem a bit suspicious that he can only contact you late at night or early in the morning!

I wouldn't necessarily be put off someone because they have/had MH issues. It would be a bit hypocritical if they did. But if he's struggling to manage his condition at the moment and his life is quite chaotic, then he might not be in the best position to be starting a relationship right now. And I would be annoyed by the 'oh I thought you didn't like me, it made me get depressed' stuff (depression does not usually work that way!) and you having to run after him and make a big fuss of reassuring him. Not the relationship dynamic I'd want anyway.

WilsonFrickett · 22/08/2011 12:51

MH issues clearly = a wife or girlfriend in this one I'm afraid.

But even if he does have MH issues, you owe him nothing. You met him on a dating site and 'chatted'. He's now giving you the runaround. Why bother?

electra · 22/08/2011 12:52

For those of you saying mental health issues would have you running for the hills - I think that's a bit narrow minded. I have bipolar myself and I find it frustrating that it drastically alters the way people perceive me as a person and they soemtimes have written me off. For that reason I don't tell people in RL who I meet now that I have/had it. I am better now but I've had to make a lot of lifestyle changes to keep myself well. A lot of it is the sufferer's responsibility to learn about how to control and keep in check etc and that does not even begin and end with medication.

However, I also know that a person who has bipolar and is ill can be very difficult to live with. I remember that when I was ill I would be up all night and often texted people at 6 am and earlier because I was wide awake all the time and had no idea why everyone else wouldn't also be! Your life doesn't really seem to be happening in real time, so to other people you seem unpredictable and changeable and hard to converse with.

If I were you I would meet him and ask him how he manages his illness. If he's ill I'd say it will be hard for him to conduct a relationship in a healthy way though.

AbbyAbsinthe · 22/08/2011 12:53

Run away!! Far too much hassle already... warning bells aplenty....

Mitmoo - not like you to try and shit stir! This is one thread that isn't all about you, love.

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 13:03

Electra the op does not have to have a relationship with him, in particular out of sympathy. My SIL had bi polar (she died of cancer) it was very hard on her relationship with my brother. If the man in question does have MH it does not sound if he is in the right position to have a relationship right now. The op has to put the interests of her and her child first and if the man is not the right one, he does not sound it than it's her prerogative to say no.

GloriaVanderbilt · 22/08/2011 13:11

Yes he could have bipolar and not cause any trouble at all, or he could have bipolar and not take responsibility for his actions because of that, ie using it as an excuse. Which he is already doing.

Relationships do NOT involve sharing the responsibility for your own medical issues with the other person. He's in no way, shape or form ready to have a relationship at the moment. And possibly never will be, but definitely isn't yet.

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