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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH ought to be able to find a bottle of pigging milk in the fridge without my help???

76 replies

duchesse · 21/08/2011 10:09

DH got up with DD3 this morning. She is halfway through a bottle of ready-mixed Hipp follow-on milk that I got last year for our holidays and is about to expire. A bottle of this stuff is white and purple, about a pint in size. I told him exactly where to find it (bottom door shelf of the fridge, left-hand side.)

He could not find the fecking thing. Why? Why?? Why???

I got up, went downstairs, opened fridge door, it was exactly where I said. He had even checked the other fridge and every other shelf in both fridges. He did not once even think of picking up every item on the shelf door of the little fridge and examining it carefully to see if it was what he was looking for. He must expect the correct thing to just levitate into his hand.

Clearly he and I have very different ways of looking for things. He now thinks he's going mad. I hope he can see what I have to put up with on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 21/08/2011 10:41

It is the 'man eyes' AKA 'boy looking' phenomenon.

Internationally recognised Wink

DH does it. Standing there, looking in a cupboard. Do we have any X? shouted up the stairs.

I have to ask him if he seriously expects me to stop what I'm doing, come down the stairs and open the cupboard to look for him?

No man can find anything if it is placed behind or under another thing. This is why I put the crisps behind the cleaning stuff in the cupboard.

rainbowinthesky · 21/08/2011 10:46

I'm in netmums, aren't I.

CheshireDing · 21/08/2011 10:47

We have similar conversations in our house:-

DH - do we have any milk?
me - I don't know I am upstairs and you are in the kitchen, here's a crazy idea why don't you look in the fridge or

DH - have you seen my wallet/phone charger/keys?
Me - have you tried looking for said item before asking me, or put it in the same place and then you will find it next time

Personally from my experience I think it is because when DH was growing up his Mum would have got everything ready for him for school etc, always found stuff if he asked, rather than telling him to look himself. I have told him much as I love him I will not continue this assistance :)

storytopper · 21/08/2011 10:48

It is a man thing - a "spoiled by mummy as a little boy" thing. My DH is exactly like this - I'm on a life-long mission to change it. He learned to wail about not being able to find things as soon as he learned to talk, so his Mum would come running and put the errant object in his hand. She was a bit of a hoarder (see other popular threads at the moment) so I imagine she always felt slightly guilty about other family members not being able to find things in the volume of stuff. As she was a SAHM I think it also helped her to feel "queen of the house" - part of her role.

takethisonehereforastart · 21/08/2011 10:52

My DH does this and it drives me up the bloody wall.

If it's not isolated on a pedestal, bathing in shining light, with angel song and a bloody big arrow to point to it then he can't find it.

I can tell him exactly where something is ("It's in the big cupboard on the middle shelf on the left hand side") but if one quick glance in doesn't immediately reveal it then he gives up and starts doing the "it's not there, you must have moved it" dance.

Which is why, like Nagoo, I use this to my advantage and hide the gin behind the museli in the cereal cupboard. Grin

pickgo · 21/08/2011 10:54

Can't understand what you're moaning about.

Hid a whole box of chocolates in the teatowel drawer - I take one or two a day... still ome there hahahaha Grin

Myopic man vision is useful

sjuperwolef · 21/08/2011 10:56

aw my pretty DP finds things for me because i cant see whats right in front of my face :( bloody annoying and incredibly embarrassing.

pippitysqueakity · 21/08/2011 11:08

In our house we call it 'doing a Daddy look'. It is the worst possible insult...Grin

MilaMae · 21/08/2011 11:20

Grin We've used the expression "Daddy look" and have also hurled the needs to be on a pedestal thing (mid rant)!!!!

promomum · 21/08/2011 11:29

Funny that, we use "man look" - an expression borrowed from another family who clearly have the same issue.

Dh hates me accusing him of it. So find the fecking thing that's either right in front of you, or learn to put things back in the place they belong.

Agree it's from having been spoiled by his over-indulgent mother who clearly had too much time on her bloody hands. I could rant on for hours about the things I've spent the last 20-odd years trying to undo.

One of them is that if we go on a picnic, he will sit there, hands in lap, expecting me to unpack and serve up. (I don't, I sharply remind him to help), whereas at home, after my re-training early on, he's actually very handy around the kitchen.

mummytotwoboys · 21/08/2011 11:33

YABU men cant help it - its biological. You can say pass me the butter and DH will spend 5 mins searching the fridge for the huge yellow tub. I however can look in and find it straight away - its about how your brain works :)

mummytotwoboys · 21/08/2011 11:36

Also true that men have less peripheral vision than woman. I can look at the wall and see almost behind me in both directions whereas DH swears he can only really see whats in front of him - catgirl is spot on Grin

Al0uiseG · 21/08/2011 11:37

We call it Man Looking in this house.

nocake · 21/08/2011 11:39

If you read one of Lise Eliot's books you'll discover that brain development is massively dependent on environment so if you're taught as a child how to do something your brain becomes hard wired to be able to do it. That "plasticity" declines as you get older. That's why CheshireDing's DH doesn't look for stuff, because he grew up not having to because his mum did it for him. It also means that the chances of him changing his behaviour decrease as he gets older.

I'm a bloke and I can find things in the fridge because when I was a kid my mum didn't do everything for me.

scottishmummy · 21/08/2011 11:41

some of you live with some fuckwits men.do you buy his pants too?
cant find butter in fridge?
bet he pays the mortgage though
get a grip with the uh-huh sheesh men . it makes you and them look fick

ComeWhineWithMe · 21/08/2011 11:50

Next time he is feeling in the mood just have a quick pat around his groin and say "Sorry, not tonight I can't fucking find it"

BoscoIsMyLover · 21/08/2011 11:59

In my house I am the one who cannot see in front of her face, DP has eyes like an eagle....

Seriously Im the worst. I hate when someone points something out to me because I just cant see it unless its in my face.

TrillianAstra · 21/08/2011 12:03

It's not a fucking man thing.

Men have eyes and brains.

If you go about thinking that men are bad at looking for stuff then according to nocake's theory of brain development you will be handicapping your sons for life.

promomum · 21/08/2011 12:03

Scottishmummy If it makes you feel any better, here are some of the things I do and don't do, but would've if I'd carried on the pattern set by his bleeding mother:

  • Finding something when he's having a "man look" and taking the piss out of him for even asking (funnily enough, he doesn't ask very often now).
  • Picking his clothes up off the floor or ironing anything that's not mine (we share washing and drying duties 50-50.) When we first lived together, he left his clothes in a pile in the bedroom, where they stayed, until he ran out of shirts. Start as you mean to go on.
  • Being the only one to cook and clean. My standards are higher though, so I do have to remind him at times that stuff needs to be done.
  • Being the only one involved in childcare (actually he did more than me when the dc were very small as he had more flexible hours then).
scottishmummy · 21/08/2011 12:09

for as long as you see the world in man/woman clichés you perpetrate gender myths.and reinforce roles and stereotypes.as you have an expectation of what men and women are like

PinotsKittens · 21/08/2011 12:09

:o :o This thread is vair funny if you ignore the sexist arguments DH can't find anything, it's hilarious. Personally, I love the smug feeling of wafting into a room, pinging open a drawer, finding something obvious and flinging it to him whilst his jaw drops.

I may not be able to touch the ceiling without a stool, or pee standing up, but I can find things. Hear me roar!

catgirl1976 · 21/08/2011 12:10

Actually ScottishMummy, I pay the mortgage because I am a CEO of a sucessful company and my DH doesn't work. Is that ok with you'?

PinotsKittens · 21/08/2011 12:11

Oh lordy I xposted in the middle of a feminist/sexist debate.

scottishmummy · 21/08/2011 12:13

impressive yes i agree.so can you partner locate items or does he need you to sashay in and ta-da here it is you blind male fool.

Chandon · 21/08/2011 12:16

Not sure it is a man thing.

I have one son who always helps me find things (he is very systematic and methodical) and another son who flaps around hopelessly.

H has a bit of this, but I do not pander to it. If he can't find the butter when he is doing the kids' breakfast, they get jam on toast. Nobody dies. I might point out the butter at a later point in the day though, but would never come down for it.

If my sons say they can't find it, I say; "Are you sure? if I go upstairs and find it in your room, you have to give me a pound". They look again, now with an incentive, and find it! Hope that'll sort them out for future wives and gfs!