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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be insulted by IVF gossip?

68 replies

plumtrees · 20/08/2011 22:39

After a rather difficult time we have been incredibly lucky and conceived twins after our first cycle of ICSI. We feel totally blessed and are very excited by their arrival early next year.

Only our immediate circle of family and friends knew we were having treatment and though we are not embarrassed or ashamed that we required fertility treatment to conceive, there are some people who we've chosen not to share this information with. I personally think it doesn't matter how they were conceived.

So I was fairly shocked that my DH's friend's wife (who is an extremely competitive and abrasive individual) dismissed our pregnancy to one of my very best friends saying 'they were trying for ages, so it was probably IVF'. (which led to my BF feeling the need to defend us and telling her they were natural - which is very unlike her!) We have given these friends of DH no reason to think we were trying for ages or that we were having treatment, so this can only have come as a rumour through an ex-friend who knew when we'd started trying, a fair amount of time ago. However she doesn't know whether we have had fertility treatment or not, so why comment at all?

I know it shouldn't matter, but I really can't understand why anyone would say something like that - why does it matter how the twins were conceived and if they are a result of fertility treatment, would you not naturally feel even happier for the lucky couple, that they have been successful after what would probably have been quite a difficult time????

Does having fertility treatment in her eyes make the babies some how lesser to her child? Or the pregnancy any less exciting or wonderful? I really can't understand her attitude and though I'd never stop my DH seeing his friend, I have absolutely no inclination to see them ever again.

Have any of you encountered such a bizarre reaction?

OP posts:
DizzyCow63 · 20/08/2011 23:17

YANBU. Huge congratulations from another long-term TTCer Grin

baboos · 20/08/2011 23:17

Just be happy and forget about comments, my ICSI conceived twins are 3 now, and have lost count of how many woman asked me if they were IVF babies, eventually I would just replied that "no they were conceived whilst trying out a new shagging position in the study, which position did you use to conceive yours"...................usually shut them up.

GreenEyesandHam · 20/08/2011 23:24

It doesn't matter. You can't 'dismiss' a pregnancy, it's a pregnancy.
How, where, or why it came about is immaterial.

I genuinely do not know a single person who would think that an ivf pregnancy was somehow 'less' than a 'natural' one. If anything, it would be seen as more special?

DrKoothrappali · 20/08/2011 23:28

" I genuinely do not know a single person who would think that an ivf pregnancy was somehow 'less' than a 'natural' one. If anything, it would be seen as more special? "

I agree, but I think that sometimes the implication is not that the baby is less special but that the mother was in some way defective. I had very odd reactions when I told people I wasn't able to have babies naturally after they had been nosey asking 'pitter patter of tiny feet' type questions.

SmethwickBelle · 20/08/2011 23:29

Bumps and babies attract comments - many of them insensitive but mostly from people just making conversation - it isn't a critique; you have a boy people ask if you wanted a girl, you have a girl you get people asking if you wanted a boy. You have a second, if its the same sex you get people asking if you wanted one of each, if you get different sex you get people asking if DC1 would have liked a sibling of the same sex.

As you say if you have twins people will be quizzing you on whether it was IVF; when they're born you'll get daft questions about whether they are identical (even if they're different sex) whether it runs in the family, how "you've got your hands full there/double trouble! etc"...

Focus on the delights to come, all else is background noise.

cornflowers · 20/08/2011 23:35

People are always speculating about others, especially those in their wider social circle. It sounds like careless gossip to me, and I can't really see much harm in what was said. She speculated that you'd used IVF, and she was right. IVF is nothing to be ashamed of. I agree with the person who said that your friend is more at fault here; she sounds like a troublemaker IMO.

bonkers20 · 20/08/2011 23:38

My only thought about IVF twins is how bloody lovely! It's like a reward for the difficulties and is more likely to be the end of assisted conception for them because they've got two! I would never say this unless the parents were close to me and talking to me about such things though.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

snippywoo2 · 20/08/2011 23:49

some people are jealous of the attention someone gets when its a multiple birth and feel the need to get bitchy just ignore them I did

hadagutsfull · 20/08/2011 23:49

YANBU and congratulations! Don't worry over it though, enjoy your pregnancy and your twins. Have you considered that she may have conceived through IVF and that's why she said it? She may have recognised the 'signs' - if you are under a different hospital to the one that most mothers in your area attend for example. This is what happened to me and therefore I knew that other people were undergoing treatment although they hadn't actually talked about it. It's natural (in my opinion) to not broadcast it to all and sundry, not that it's anything to be ashamed of in any way.

foolserrand · 20/08/2011 23:52

roselover that was lovely. So happy you got your twins.

takethisonehereforastart · 21/08/2011 00:02

OP, I was going to ask the same thing as hadagutsfull, is there any chance they have had/are still having IVF themselves.

Also, I realised when I was first pregnant that you seem to become 'public property' and everyone from your mother to the binman to strangers on the bus start asking random and highly personal questions or grabbing at your bump.

Perhaps she's just feeling, as so many people do, that she has a perfect right to know every single detail about your pregnancy from start to finish.

Which is annoying but it might mean she isn't looking down on you or your babies or the way they were conceived.

A woman at our playgroup gave birth last week and says that her first visitors at the hospital had barely glanced at the baby before one was demanding to know what state her nipples were in and the other was asking if she was planning to have another baby now she has two of the same sex. Her baby was just two hours old at that point.

Andrewofgg · 21/08/2011 07:05

Many congratulations OP, ignore the silly comments, and oh, baboos, you have got Sunday off to a flying start!

JenniferYellowHatsRedLingerie · 21/08/2011 07:24

As I await the imminent arrival of my IUI baby (it better be imminent, I'm 4 days overdue!) it doesn't matter a jot to me how we made her. Now. It did in the long days and months before our treatment worked. OP, are you struggling with some residual feelings from your long journey to become pg? It's completely normal, and I understand, I spent the first few months of my pg thinking that I'd be a terrible mother because I needed help to get her in there, and so what if it all didn't come naturally to me because I didn't have a natural conception?
Your friend - if you can call her that - sounds like a dick. And very jealous. Maybe she's having trouble ttc a second? Maybe she just likes to indulge in idle gossip. But she should, you'd hope, understand that a much longed for pregnancy shouldn't be dismissed as she is doing.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of snobbery and taboo still attached to those of us who have trouble with our tubes (and everything else). As you can see even on MN when someone laments that they can't have children/can't afford another round of IVF with their "children aren't a right" argument, which if course is utter bollocks. Ignore, ignore, ignore. As someone upstream said, this is just the beginning of being judged on everything and being public property.
All my congratulations to you, you're going to be an awesome mum :) and get this poisonous woman out of your life.

whoneedssleepanyway · 21/08/2011 07:29

I agree with Happy that she might be jealous, bitchy comments often stem from jealousy in my experience.

It obviously doesn't make a shred of difference how you conceived.

Congrats on your twins OP very exciting for you.

MilaMae · 21/08/2011 07:40

I have IVF(frozen ICSI) twins my sister has natural twins,I also have a natural dd.

It sounds as if you have a big chip to be frank and need to get over it.

I'm bloody proud how mine came to be and tell the world at any given moment.If I had a pound for every time people say "do twins run in the family then"?

There isn't a day goes by that I don't give a special thanks for whoever invented IVF and I like the whole world to know how special ACE babies areGrin. Natural conceptions blow my mind too(particularly my dd whom I was told was medically impossible).I can't get over how it all happens(with help and without),it's bloody amazing!!!!!

To be frank I think you sound like you have issues left over from the treatment.They will pass and you'll eventually be boring everybody with your IVF story like me Grin.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 21/08/2011 07:41

Am I missing something - where does this woman imply that IVF is inferior? She's just making an observation. It might be none of her business but it's human nature to speculate. She made a comment that was none of her business based on information she shouldn't have known, that's annoying, but she hasn't implied there is anything wrong with IVF.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 21/08/2011 07:43

'poisonous, jealous, bitchy woman'

really? really?

Geepers · 21/08/2011 07:47

I never realised that 'do twins run in your family?' is code for 'did you have IVF?' I ask it all the time of people (have twins myself) and all I mean by asking it is 'are there twins in your family '.

BonnyBanks · 21/08/2011 07:52

Hey Plumtrees, many congratulations on your babies, jope you are keeping well.

I totally disagree with those saying that you are being oversensitive, it was a hurtful comment. IME some people have very odd reactions to twins and mutiples. I have been asked if my two were ivf by complete strangers in the street. I usually just blatantly ignore the question but if pressed or sleep deprived would say with an airy tone "how can you possibly think that's any of your business" - that usually embarasses them into shutting up.

However it's just the start of lots of extremely silly questions you'll get asked once you have the babies.... Are they identical (I have a boy and a girl), which one is dominant, which is the bad twin, which do you love more, at least one of the us beautiful, double trouble(grrr). I think people just open their mouths sometimes and let their stupidity just tumble out!

Twins are bags of fun (and incredibly hard work) and the adventure is just beginning!

Just practice saying "twice as nice" with a bright smile as opposed to whacking them with your very heavy change bag

GreenEyesandHam · 21/08/2011 07:55

Some of you know some very strange folk.

babybarrister · 21/08/2011 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caesar04 · 21/08/2011 08:23

Hmm. Tricky to judge as you weren't there and also agree that was totally unnecessary of your BF to tell you.
From what you have said it seems to be a throwaway gossipy comment, not v nice but you are putting words in her mouth.

I also don't think its a "bizarre" reaction, bit nosey and snidey but not bizarre.

And I know you said she didn't know about the IVF but she did know you were ttc?

I learnt the hard way about telling all the world about ttc....then spent the next 18 months having to explain why no baby.

BonnyBanks · 21/08/2011 08:24

Greeneyes - these have all been said to me by strangers in the street (more than once) People I actually know are generally more polite.

Geepers - the problem with the question is that if you say 'no' the 'are they ivf' question usually follows. Even those who don't ask the second question tend to assume they know the answer. People often think that you have to have twins in the family to conceive them naturally which is just not true.

mypersonalfavourite · 21/08/2011 08:57

Naural twins are are very unusual and IVF twins are not. Hence the comment IMO. She's not saying your babies are inferior but that they are twins is not unexpected.

BunnyWunny · 21/08/2011 09:06

YABU- I don't get your angst, how is saying "it was probably IVF" in any way insulting, mean or derogatory? Seems like a reasonable thing to speculate to me, after all you were having fertility treatment, she could easily have been correct.