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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To believe that for every awful mil story there is, there is an awful dil story.

63 replies

glotheblo · 20/08/2011 19:32

I know a lot of the mums out there have a story to tell regarding their mils but I bet there just as many mils with scary dil stories or are they over on gransnet, I have been a dil and now i am a mil and have a got a few tales to tell.
Here is an example, my nearly dil was invited for christmas lunch, but she said that she had to visit her family (parents divorced, murderous animosity from both) so I agreed to put the meal time back 3hrs to suit her and ds, she arrived an hour late, I ignored her bad manners and everybody sat down and I started to serve when I enquired what she would like from the sumptuous feast, she declared, "oh nothing for me I have already eaten".
Still has no idea how close she came to wearing that jug of gravy.

OP posts:
HowlingBitch · 20/08/2011 20:14

I was really hoping you'd say she got him a gym membership.

Ofcourse he was terrified :(, How dreadful.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 20:15

OP, am not having a go, am sure there is more to it than just Christmas dinner, but, she arrived with your ds, who was also late. Now I know they'd been at her parents but why is the lateness something that she is solely responsible for. He too, could have phoned and apologised. Of course, she should have too, but they were both responsible.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 20:16

Or have I misunderstood that and they arrived separately, in which case, I apologise

catgirl1976 · 20/08/2011 20:17

She is pretty bonkers.. that's not even the worst thing she's done by a country mile. I don't want to out myself though in case she's on here!

I just try to remember that he only has one mum and she loves him and whatever she has done she has thought it was right Hmm but to be honest, that mum has done him a huge amount of damage and I find that hard to live with.

VeraCanSignChocolateAndWine · 20/08/2011 20:25

thankfully for the sake of my family my son did not get married to her
really?! Your DS has been with her for 10 years and they have given you DGD, and you still think she's a bitch for eating Christmas dinner with her parents?
Also if she was going to "snatch gd away" she'd had done it regardless of whether Gd loves you or not.

Do you have daughters or just sons?

glotheblo · 20/08/2011 20:26

Ok, you want more, on the morning dgd was born her other granny called to give me the news, told me omg dgd looks the spitting image of you (me) went to visit her loaded down with presents and flowers and ballons etc, new mother says to me when I walked my face beaming with pride and smiles, "oh I didnt want you see her until my best pal had seen her and could I wait somewhere else for the next 30mins) I did this and this nice nurse said to me (laughingly "are you into see the new mum who is going to shave all her new baby's beauiful black hair and get her contacts so she didnt look like a gypsy"

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 20:28

Okay then OP, I agree with you. She is vile.

hairfullofsnakes · 20/08/2011 20:32

Is your son still with her? More, tell us more! Offload!

CocktailMumma · 20/08/2011 20:39

YANBU - There are 2 sides to every relatioship/dispute/argument.

My ex had parents thats were lovely. I used to pop in for a cuppa all the time on my own to see them as they were such lovely people. I genuinely enjoyed their company. Unfortunately their son was a prize twat so the relationship never progressed. However, I stayed intouch with his parents for years until I met my now Dh and moved away.

My current MIL decided right away before she ever met me I was not good enough for her son. She made my life hell before she ever spoke to me or set eyes on me. She used to call me and hang up and then progressed to tell me that DH (when he was my then new boyfriend in a long distance relationship) was out clubbing with his mates and she hoped he would meet a nice local girl and not a southerner like me!

Despite all this I was keen to have a good relationship with her and FIL as I hoped to have something like I did with my ex's parents. Sadly because of their permanent critcism, rudeness, lies, schemeing and permanent cats bum faces at me the good relatioship never materialised.

16 years on - I despise them. I still visit with my DH and DC several times a year and am civil. That is where is ends with me!

I would love to know if she was on here right now what her version of events would be? I am genuinely at a loss to know what she took such great offence to about me before she ever met me. I am sure she has a tale to tell. Am off to see if I recognise myself on any Gransnet threads!

LolaRennt · 20/08/2011 20:40

She sounds lovely op Grin

VeraCanSignChocolateAndWine · 20/08/2011 20:41

The shave hair and contacts bit could easily have been a joke. Albeit a very bad one. And technically was no business of the nurse to say that to you. -but I think that's a different issue.

Why didn't you do the typical m and mil thing of saying "don't be ridiculous" and staying anyway? My mum certainly would have.

I'm pleased that you get on with her other granny. :)

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 21:26

OP, when she said that at the hospital, you should have told your son. He has a responsibility to manage this relationship so that you are both (you and dil)
treated fairly. The son should make sure his mother doesn't descend on and swamp the dil with unreasonable demands, but should also make sure his mum gets to see her gc and isn't treated rudely by his partner for no reason.

WinkyWinkola · 20/08/2011 21:46

Two sides to every story and there are vile people of every relatiOn type.

pictish · 20/08/2011 22:37

Yanbu!! Of course there are two sides to every story and I often think dil's on here are being cowbags whining unneccessarily about their mils.

Btw OP - did your near dil ask you to put the meal three hours back?? I bet she didn't. If she had to spend time with her family, you may have taken it as read that she would've been offered food elsewhere. So I think you are being a little unreasonable on that one.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 23:48

The DILs I find ridiculous on here are those who think their MIL shouldn't visit them in hospital when their first grandchild is born. "Leave it a month..."

Lunatics.

Gay40 · 21/08/2011 00:02

My ex ILs were lovely and I still visit now - even have a small photo up of them. DP doesn't mind at all, she thinks it is lovely that we still think a lot of each other.

MoominsAreScary · 21/08/2011 00:33

Op says she agreed to put meal back three hours to suit dil and ds which would imply that a conversation was had about it

In this case it seems unreasonable of her to not eat the meal

Why did the other granny call to give you the news that dgd had been born and not your ds?

takethisonehereforastart · 21/08/2011 00:35

I have told my awful PIL's story on here and had a lot of support because they really have said and done some terrible things to us.

No doubt my MIL would tell a different story, in which I am the bad one. In fact she has, many times, so often that I think she believes it herself now.

But I still see and get along very well with two of my ex-partners families, one almost MIL even giving my LO money when he was born and saying "well, I was almost his grandma wasn't I?" It had been thirteen years since I split up with her son but even so, she still feels we are part of the family in a way.

There are awful MILS and DILS and SILS because some people are just awful. Genuinely awful DILS probably go on to become awful MILS in turn.

But you can take just a small example of what my MIL has done: Three days after our son was stillborn she argued with me about the time of his birth, demanded to know if we were planning another baby and asked if it still hurt to give birth if your baby was already dead. Then she accused my DH of sounding abrupt on the phone the day before our sons funeral and threw a tantrum because he didn't sound happy to be speaking to her. She hung up on him. Then when our premature daughter died she told us it was okay to have a picture of her because "She doesn't look...well she is still family I suppose." She then asked for some photo's of our daughter, we have only a few, and then promptly lost them before finding them again "in a box of rubbish we were throwing out." She rang me six weeks after our daughter was born, on what would have been our stillborn son's first birthday, to tell us how excited she was to be having her first granddaughter the following day (SIL by c-section) and then when I pointed out it was our sons birthday and that this would be her second granddaughter she said "Oh well I forgot about that" and went on to justify herself by saying her friend said our daughter didn't count in the same way because she was dead. She finally went on to ask if our daughter had been born with all of her face or not (she was premature and only survived for a few hours and MIL was looking at a picture that clearly shows all of her perfect and beautiful face at the time).

Then add in the way they have effectively stalked me, calling me on the phone up to 17 times in one day, following me home from the shops like kerb crawlers with me walking and them in the car, watching the house, lying about me to other people and so much more.

Compare that to what I have done, which is to try and ignore all the nasty comments about my children to keep the peace before finally reaching the end of my tether after the face comment and asking her to stay away from me for a few weeks to give me the chance to calm down.

That's what started the stalking episodes. I was given less than a day to calm down before the hysterical phone calls and letters started and she turned the whole thing on its head and became the injured party in all of this. She honestly believes that it's all me and that I am a bad person and she just wants us all to get along.

I wrote back to her three times, the first very upset and trying to explain what it feels like to loose two babies in less than eleven months and then have comments like that made to you. The second was an angry one and I called her a selfish and devious person who manipulates people and holds her entire family to ranson with her hystrionics and threats about a mental breakdown. That's the one she shows people to convince them I'm a bad DIL. The third was a bit of both upset and anger and tells her not to write again because I will return the letters unopened.

And that's it. I spent eight years trying hard to get along with her and feeling more and more taken advantage of and bullied by her. It's been two years since the 'face' comment and my request to be left alone but in those two years she has continued to behave badly while protesting her innocence.

The last time I spoke to her, in March this year, she called me a bitch and said she wished I had never met my DH. Then she sent him a text to say I had been cruel to her (I hadn't, it's a miracle I have kept my temper but I have never spoken to her like that) and she told him that she loves me and just wants us to be close.

At Christmas they had disowned us both because we had dared to spend two hours having tea with his sister.

But she genuinely believes that the problems are all down to me. She has gone from admitting she said the things and apologising (under pressure from DH and only after insisting to my face that she already had apologised - bare faced lie) to insisting that she would never say anything of the kind and that I had made it all up. Despite the fact that there were other people in the room who heard her say them.

I wish I had PILs that I could get along with, and I tried with mine for a lot longer than some DILs would have. So there may be two sides to our stories but I think on the whole she has behaved by far the worst of the two of us.

glotheblo · 21/08/2011 00:47

My ds was at home trying to find out where she was and yes she was aware the meal time was to accomodate her, she hated both her parents partners (at the time) I felt sorry for her she was only 17 and she seemed lost, I thought she would learn as she matured sadly she did not.
yes I am glad he did not marry her, here is why
during a rare moment when I was her best pal she declared that her new partner would never be unfaithful, I laughed and asked her secret, "well he is so fucking ugly nobody would look at him" this is a guy who travels all over the country with a very manual job to support her.
She called her own mother a whore, whilst nearly bankrupting her, (her dm is now paying for her sins)
No ds does not live with her, they split up after a couple of years of playing house together, (thought that was the end of all the fucking dramas) but lo and behold ex gf is with child, hey ho off we go on a rollercoaster. I think it is just a case of other peoples children 20 yrs on the sequel
ps she is a really good mum, and I kind of go by the keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer idea, dgd is lovely so I suck it up because that is all that matters. I was hoping this would be a funny post, about things that we all as women have done, sorry it turned into a moan and bitch.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/08/2011 00:49

I agree Imperial Blether!

The audacity of all those mil's who are so rude as to expect to see their new baby grandchild!!
Or those mils who want to be a part of their grandkid's lives!!
Who the hell do they think they are? The maternal grandmother??!!
What a cheek - they should just know their place and fuck off until the dil can be bothered with them. Wink

MumblingRagDoll · 21/08/2011 00:51

But did you TELL her you were putting the meal back? Or did she think you would eat without her?

MumblingRagDoll · 21/08/2011 00:52

My MIL tried to snatch my newborn from my arms...literally grabbed and tugged...she'd had a good hold of her...and I was about to change her nappy...when MIL decided she wanted to do it. Instead of SAYING so, she tried to snatch her!

MIL also pushed me when I was having a quiet argument with DH in my own home.

LordOfTheFlies · 21/08/2011 01:11

Before DH and I married we slept seperately at my parents and MILs house.We didn't ask to sleep together, it was just one of those not in my house things.

My MIL expected my DH to sleep in the same bed as his brother.
The unmarried brother who lived with his girlfriend who he'd got pg when she was 15.

Double standards.?Much. But life's too short sometimes for argueing with MILs.

glotheblo · 21/08/2011 02:28

Some of the mils out there are vile, takethisforastart and catgirl, feel for you both, that is disgraceful behavior, you can only wonder at what goes through these womens heads. Stay away from people like that, relatives or not some people are not worthy of your time.

I really tried to support this girl who wanted to nothing to do with ds, I went out and bought a beautiful rocking moses basket, filled it with baby things (everything you would need to start you off) a layette, I sent it down on christmas day, she phoned up in floods tears thanking me and saying I was the first person to give her anything new and that I had made her and the baby feel really special.

From the age of 3mths to 5yrs I cared for dgd 2days a week including an overnight stay, (wouldnt even take petrol money) during this support she has... left me standing on her doorstep in torrential rain, taken clothes that I have bought for dgd and exchanged for something else, (for herself) pissed off to london for a year with new partner 2 days after announcing her plans, came back, next time I see dgd there is new bf on the scene. (her life nout to do with me) hundreds of little put downs that keep me in my place, I have 4 ds if any of them behaved in that way towards their partners dms I would be horrified

I have done 13 yrs of this with her, christmas was the just the start, I am so proud of myself for managing to shut my trap for 10yrs and now dgd is old enough to see us if she wants to, I have no wish to make an enemy of my ds partners, that would be stupid of me. No matter, I would love to hear her side of the story

Dh and myself feel we treated her like a dil, I think we are too old fashioned.

My complaints about nearly dil (but is my dgd dm) seem so silly hearing some of the stories on her.

OP posts:
takethisonehereforastart · 21/08/2011 11:54

Glotheblo well she does sound like a piece of work.

I'm glad you are reaching a point where your granddaughter can make her own decisions about you, I hope it makes things easier.