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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for taking DH's absolute inabilty to choose me a nice present so bloody personally and not faking gratitude

136 replies

halohasslipped · 20/08/2011 12:37

Dh has just landed after being away for a while. Beautiful clothes for DC's and a travel toiletry bag for me. Having told him about a month ago that i hate his toiletry bag as it's so cumbersome to pack i feel so gutted. I REALLY wasn't expecting anything, so knowing he went out and then got something so wrong really upsets me. You still have to put stuff in plastic bags anyway before you put it in so it renders it all pretty useless and it was quite expensive.

He's upset and i'm upset and i feel like such a bitch because i failed to lie and pretend i like it.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/08/2011 12:59

Ah right, surely he must have just remembered the connection between you mentioning you needed a bag and his bag, forgetting you didn't like it?

There's nothing at all wrong with not liking a present, it's the telling him bit that's off.

If you have something to say about the rest of your relationship, it's probably best to come out and say it instead of trying to get him to pick up the hints?

cuttingpicassostoenails · 20/08/2011 13:00

Oh dear Halo, I do sympathise. On my 21st birthday I was up to my elbows in nappies (no washing machine) feeling stressed, upset and taken for granted. OH arrived home from work, said "happy birthday darling" and presented me with a butter dish.

JockTamsonsBairns · 20/08/2011 13:03

Sorry, I'm still not getting this. Can someone explain please?
I'm reading this as - you said you didn't like his toilet bag (why would someone else's choice of toilet bag bother you?), and he then buys you a new toilet bag. Was there something you didn't like about your old one? Is there something you don't like about this new one?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 20/08/2011 13:05

I'd be pissed off. But I accept the fact that I am a bit diva-ish. It's the fact that it's such an impersonal gift that would raise my hackles. A fucking toiletry bag? That's the kind of thing you buy an elderly Aunt for Christmas. He could have bought you perfume, or chocolates, or underwear. So I'll join you on the unreasonable bench

FabbyChic · 20/08/2011 13:07

Oh, I see you told him you didn't like it and he bought you one?

Ouch, that smacks of not listening and not giving a shit.

BluddyMoFo · 20/08/2011 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 20/08/2011 13:08

You still have to put stuff in plastic bags anyway before you put it in so it renders it all pretty useless

Uh Oh.....

OP, just apologise, thank him for thinking of you, and for next time tell him the sorts of booze things you like.

Balsam · 20/08/2011 13:08

Jock, took me a while but I think he bought the OP the same toiletry bag as his, despite the fact she had previously told him she hated his.

fit2drop · 20/08/2011 13:12

I think she means he has bought her a toiletry bag the same as the his which she had previously said she did not like.

How does not likeing his toiletry bag turn into relationship problems?

If OP drip feeds her complaints to her hubby the same way she is dripping here then no wonder the poor fella is getting it wrong.

YABVU but I think you know that :)

worraliberty · 20/08/2011 13:13

So he forgot she didn't like it...not a big deal is it? Confused

fifitrixibellesmith · 20/08/2011 13:17

oh fgs, you are upset because he got a new toiletry bag

if he was knocking you about, you might have reason to be upset
if he was screwing around, you might have reason to be upset
if he spent all your money on drugs and alcohol, you might have reason to be upset

get a bleedin grip woman

Whatmeworry · 20/08/2011 13:18

You need to look at the other side of this.

I travel with business. It's often difficult to find something nice at an airport and you don't often have time to visit shops etc.

You try and get those at home something nice, but its not always perfect - and when they turn their noses up you feel very pissed off and resentful.

Fwiw.....

Granny23 · 20/08/2011 13:19

OP I am also with you on this one. Apparantly, although we have been together 48 years, DH has no idea what I like and spends weeks, nay months before each Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas burying his head in the sand agonizing over what to get me. This in spite of having 2 DDs who buy me the most amazing super presents and always offer to help their DF and me blatently showing him things I would like. My suggestions are never deemed 'appropriate'.

I have now given up all hope and gratefully accept the money in a card which he gives with apologises. Meanwhile, biting lip hard not to mention that money comes from OUR joint account.

vigglewiggle · 20/08/2011 13:28

It's hard to understand this situation if you are in a generally loving and attentive relationship. I know nothing about the OP, but I would guess that she feels marginalised and taken for granted in hers.

My issue with my DH is more about not hearing me, not taking my feelings into account on a daily basis, so when he does something like this it really hurts because it is a tangible reminder of the state of our relationship.

Don't give the OP a hard time, she is not ungrateful she is feeling marginalised and being pg won't help.

Enjoy your day OP and I hope he has 'heard' you.

Morloth · 20/08/2011 13:30

Hang on, you said you didn't like the one he had (did you guys share it?), so he bought a new one? I know you meant you didn't like bags at all but maybe he thought you meant you didn't like that one, so he got a different one?

DH just asks me what I want now. Or I go buy what I want and let him know. He loves me to distraction but is shit at present buying. He once bought me a box of fudge for Christmas. I like fudge and it was very expensive fudge, but come on, fudge?

Ephiny · 20/08/2011 13:34

Sorry but you sound ridiculous and quite spoilt and unpleasant, I can't stand seeing adults having a tantrum over not getting the presents they wanted. It's the behaviour you'd expect from a toddler, not a grown woman!

When DP comes back from trips, I'm just pleased to see him and glad he's home safely. Can not even imagine greeting him by throwing a strop about his choice of present, what kind of way is that to behave? You certainly don't sound much fun to come home to Hmm

Salmotrutta · 20/08/2011 13:34

I see your fudge and raise you a car tool kit. Hmm

AgentZigzag · 20/08/2011 13:35

I see your car tool kit and raise you a set of kitchen scales Hmm

vigglewiggle · 20/08/2011 13:36

No, she basically criticised the concept of a single was bag that you cram all of your toiletries into only for it to become awkward to pack and then leak all over the suitcase. She simple packs her toiletries into smaller plasic bags that can be distributed around the case.

Having pointed out the futility of wash bags (admittedly not a life-changing exercise) he duly went out and bought her one! Hence her frustration!

Salmotrutta · 20/08/2011 13:36

I see your kitchen scales and raise you a set of table mats Hmm

vigglewiggle · 20/08/2011 13:37

I see your car tool kit and kitchen scales and raise you a shortbread and choux pastry making course!!!

Salmotrutta · 20/08/2011 13:39
holyShmoley · 20/08/2011 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshineandbooks · 20/08/2011 13:47

Doesn't this rather depend on the standard of his gift-giving generally?

We're all human and we all get it wrong from time to time. I remember the time I bought a box of chocolates for someone who's allergic to them. Blush. That's normal, and although disappointing/embarrassing it shouldn't cause any real problems. But most people get it right more often than not.

Sustained poor gift-giving is a classic indication of someone who either has poor social skills generally, or someone who considers the person for whom they're buying that gift to be of lesser importance than their own right to not be bothered to think about it properly.

fit2drop · 20/08/2011 13:50

I raise your car tool kit, kitchen scales , pastry making course and bejewelled clothing with a hoover (first married christmas) .
The previous Christmas I had received some beautiful presents including an engagement ring, seems my status changed when I became his wife .

he is an ex husband now, (not because of the hoover but I think that was a very early sign of the way our future went )