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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish I had told him to EFF OFF !!!

29 replies

GossipWitch · 19/08/2011 22:14

I was in a shop earlier with my ds1 who has learning, social and behavioural difficulties (school speak for ASD but I have no diagnoses) and was asking for a toy over and over again, wanting me to say yes he could have it, when one of my best friend's estranged father, told my son that if I've said no I mean no, the hypocrite, and i mean hypocrite in the fact he has never hung around to bring up any of his many children, so there fore has no right to comment on my ethics what-so-ever! then turned round to me and said in and albeit slimy manner " don't you just hate children like that " and I really felt like slapping him across the face and shouting "well no actually, I don't hate children like that, because that is my child you are talking about, how dare you judge him when you don"t even know him" . What I actually did was give him a glance of utter disbelief and told ds1 we were going to the till now. I wonder if I should have acted in the way I wanted to.

OP posts:
Dilligaf81 · 19/08/2011 22:16

Yep you should of or said somehting like..Do you feel the need to comment on other peoples children as you dont hang around long enough to see your let alone help with disipline ?

Cretin

Dilligaf81 · 19/08/2011 22:17

Cretin - I meant him obviously

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/08/2011 22:18

You would have been unreasonable to swear at him. He was perfectly entitled to address a kid in a shop and say 'no means no' or whatever. Wasn't to know it was your child or that he has problems - we've all put our foot in it like that on occasion - and his own skills or lack of as a parent are irrelevant. Too much treading on eggshells around children these days....

Bestb411pm · 19/08/2011 22:18

Are you sure he wasn't trying to help in a clumsy way? The fact that he said to your son that when he says no he means no too strikes me that he was just trying to back up your position.

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 19/08/2011 22:21

Is cretin not a disablist term?

Graciescotland · 19/08/2011 22:27

I think it can be rebel but it also means stupid/obtuse which I'd assume was the context in which it was used...

Sandalwood · 19/08/2011 22:30

I sort of think the same as Bestb - it's a possibility he was just trying to be friendly.

maighdlin · 19/08/2011 22:34

cretin derives from cretinism which is now known as congenital hypothyroidism. My DD has it and she was born without a thyroid gland. It can cause severe developmental delay both physical and mental. It is now picked up in the heel prick test and replacement thyroid hormones are given, however there still can be some effects but not to the same extent as without treatment. I hold it disablist.

back to OP he's an arse. Does he also tell brain surgeons how to remove tumours?

Smellslikecatpee · 19/08/2011 22:36

the no means no thing blah, (though yes no means no if you know what I mean)

that I'd have let go but the " don't you just hate children like that " deserved a slap and more power to you that you didn't and acted so dgnified.

Be very proud of you're self that you acted so well and just pity the fact that by being a twat and abandoning his children he has proved that hes a twat

Original poster
GossipWitch · 19/08/2011 23:24

I really am not bothered about the "no means no bit", just before this man butted in "no means no now come on" was on the tip of my tongue any way. It was the way he said "don't you just hate children like that" in full range of ds1 hearing, therefore ds1 getting yet another comment/look/negativity in his daily life, that he constantly has to deal with from his peers and people who do not generally understand him. He also wanted to walk into the path of a bus as we were leaving the shop, as he was obviously hurt by this comment. Grrrrr it just makes me so mad and i really wanted to slap him !

OP posts:
zookeeper · 19/08/2011 23:31

I think you're overreacting tbh

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/08/2011 23:55

If he has behavioural problems and kicks off regularly, he's going to get comments and looks from anyone that doesn't know him and he will have to deal with it without walking in front of a bus. Best to deal with the reality now because if you're going to get upset and start slapping and swearing at people every time it happens you'll make yourself very miserable.

Original poster
GossipWitch · 19/08/2011 23:55

zookeeper, no offense, but I didn't over react at the time, giving just a glance and walking out. As opposed to do what i wanted to do. The fact of the matter is although my child may be on the autistic spectrum it does not mean he has no feelings, and after this horrid man said he hated children like that, just a foot behind him, and in full earshot, and my ds1's reaction to it was wanting to be under a bus just really made me want to slap the horrid man in the first place, and has made me a little annoyed for the rest of the day. And yes i am fully aware that this man has no idea that my ds1 is like this and I'm not going to put a sticky note explaining his difficulties on the back of his head either. I just wanted to vent some sort of annoyance and couldn't fine a venting thread.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/08/2011 00:04

I agree with zookeeper, he sounds like he was just making conversation, if you take out the judgments you were making about him.

YABU to let it piss you off for the rest of the day.

Original poster
GossipWitch · 20/08/2011 00:16

Cog normally when ds1 kicks off i generally apologise if hes got into a strangers personal space, for him. I try to avoid shopping trips as a rule anyway for the kicking off reason, but for me ds1 asking for a few times about a toy didn't warrant for this man to say he hated children like that, (I'm surprised ds1 didn't smack him in the chops any way, he would if this man was forty years younger) and as i sort of knew him anyway just made me feel more awkward.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/08/2011 00:19

OK... you felt awkward and what he said struck a nerve. But I think if you'd answered the remark by saying 'sorry, he's autistic' then the man in the shop would have been shamed into an apology. The awkwardness would have transferred to him instead.

Original poster
GossipWitch · 20/08/2011 00:26

i think i may need to actually tell people that. Thanx :)

OP posts:
Pendeen · 20/08/2011 00:45

I don't think he would - or should - have been "shamed into an apology" at all.

That's a very odd thing to say.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/08/2011 00:56

Tell you a story about a friend on a tube train. There are some kids rushing up and down, screaming their heads off and their Dad is sat there, ignoring the commotion, saying nothing. Friend says "Can't you keep your kids in control?". Dad says "I'm sorry. We just left the hospital. Their mother died this morning and I don't know what to do"

You bet the friend was 'shamed into an apology'... everyone can make a wrong assumption when they don't know the facts.

manicbmc · 20/08/2011 01:09

I think you did the right thing with the glance and walking away. He's not worth wasting words on.

Mitmoo · 20/08/2011 06:54

Gossip you were extremely dignified and did the right thing, you are not being unreasonable to want to give the ignoramus a slap, we've all felt like that when someone hurts our chldren.

I don't think you should have to explain your sons condition to anyone, if the bloke in front of you was scatching his butt, we wouldn't expect him to tell you he has piles. It can work as a shaming tool, but the type of people who will judge will probably also be the small minded kind of people who will believe that "the labels" are just an excuse for you to not to parent. In all likelihood you will work 10 x as hard as parents of children who don't have mental health issues. You DEFINATELY work 1000 harder that that particular "father"

A friend of mine though used to have cards, saying "my child has autism, what is your excuse for being so rude?"

Shame you didn't have one of those on you.

cognito having extreme reactions is a part and parcel of being autistic for many not all. Teaching some autistic children not to go for extreme reactions such as the running under the bus thing can take years to overcome and the intervention of agencies such as CAMHS and autism support services. They are unfortunately a high risk group for suicide. Its not as easy as just teaching them to ingore the nasty man.

I realise the man could not have known that but his comments would have been hurtful for any child to hear so he should have kept his ignorant mouth shut.

DocBoys · 20/08/2011 07:21

Well done you for not telling him to eff off, not sure I'd have kept my mouth shut.

Some people are ignorant and narrow minded. "We've all put our foot in it sometimes" is no excuse. People would do well to think before they open their mouths that and keep out of the business of others. I'm not saying children don't need discipline but, unless a child's behaviour is directly effecting you, leave well alone. Biting your tongue is much better than making the lives of a disabled child and their parent just that little bit more difficult than they already are.

Mitmoo · 20/08/2011 07:33

Absolutely doc people should not interfere with other people's parenting if they are going to be rude and nasty about the child, in the child's hearing. What a pig.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/08/2011 07:58

Utter bollocks. The child's behaviour was affecting the man. It's horrible to have to share a space with a screaming kid. Why should he have kept quiet? So he picked the wong words on this occasion, but if more people got involved when they saw children misbehaving in general - if more of them backed up parents' attempts at discipline - we'd have better-behaved children.

myfriendflicka · 20/08/2011 07:59

Sometimes people should observe situations before they speak, rather than wading straight in. Especially in situations with kids/teenagers, you may not have the full picture.

(I think men suffer from this need to be directive in these situations more than women do).

I was with a friend in her garden, waiting to be given instructions about feeding her chickens when she was away. Another friend of her's came into the garden with her teenage son, she was also on holiday chicken feeding duties.

The teenager was behaving appallingly - shouting, being rude to his mum and us, and throwing windfall apples at us. I felt very indignant, and thought: "Why the hell is she letting him behave like that?"

I mentioned it to my chicken owning friend later. She said: "He has Asperger's." So I was bloody glad I hadn't said anything Blush

(I am not suggesting all kids with Asperger's behave like that and their parents don't manage their behaviour, but on that occasion it was an explanation for what was going on).

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