To wish I could rely on family more.

[muminthemiddle]

Ok,
I know that I am lucky. I have 3 dcs and a dh and we are very happy.
I just wish that myself and dh could go away for the weekend without being made to feel that we owe either grandparents a huge favour for them looking after our dcs (their grandkids).
I bumped into a friend in town and she mentioned that she was going away with her dh for the weekend. I asked if her 2 dds were going and she said oh no just the 2 of us. I admit whilst I am pleased for her and am not in the least bit jealous of couples who can get away, my immediate thought was how nice it would be to have parents and inlaws who will gladly look after our dcs without making you feel like you are either:

A complete bitch from hell for even thinking of leaving your dcs.
An ungrateful sod for wanting to spend time alone with dh.
Taking the complete piss out of others hospitality.

For the record my dcs are 14, 12 and 9 and well behaved(on the whole!) seriously though they are not problem kids for want of a better phrase.
It is just after 14 years it would be nice to be able to take up friends offers of a weekend away.
I am an only child so my mum doesn't have any other grandkids. I have spoken to her before about how she makes a song and dance if ever I ask her to babysit. I am not ungrateful for what she does do but like my inlaws she is always available whenever we are having a do and feeding everyone.
My fil makes no bones about the fact that he won't do anyone a favour and neither will he allow his wife to do so. I use that term deliberately as she is a battered wife and has to ask his permission to babysit.
Anyway due to something which happened we don't let the kids stay at fil.

Sorry for such a long post, both myself and dh have often spoken about how unfair it seems that we both have parents who are less than great at helping out. I don't want to sound selfish but we mean this as neither of us felt we had a great childhood either.

I know that IANBU and in time my dcs will be old enough to stay alone. I know that I have more than others but still can't help feeling that fate has dealt both myself and dh a crap hand.
Thanks for sticking this far.

YANBU to expect gp to help out with their gc. My siblings and I were brought up by our gp's so that my mother(single parent) could go to work. We were the light of their lives and they loved looking after us.

I have 3 dcs,am sahm and have a dh who works very long hours. I am estranged from my mum-who couldnt help out anyone as she works full time. But inlaws are both retired and do nothing to help us out.

We get a night out once a year,our anniversary-when they come to our house for a couple of hours to watch kids-who are usually in bed anyway. Mil regularly feels free to make snidey asides about me not working but has never once offered to help out with childcare(though she did for bil/sil). She also witters on about her friends who look after their gc,take them on hol etc(they own a holiday home) yet never once offers to do this for her own gc.

We are also expected to go there every sunday for dinner-it is not a request but an order and if for some reason we cant make it then we get mil on phone in tears piling on the emotional blackmail.

As for the people on here who say gp dont have to help,oh I havent had a decent nights sleep in 10 years-whats that I smell-oh yes burning martyr.

I am putting my foot down and refusing to go there for christmas this year(which we have done for past 5 years). Dh can do what the feck he likes.

comewhinewith me, yes I agree but its not about my teenagers mistake, its about the stinking attitude from dgc mother that gets on my goat its as if I have to make his right mistake with her. 10rs on and I have/will never stop babysitting for her as it is the only way I can see my dgc, and by the way if a GIRL wants to get pregnant she will, if not she won't, I now think that my reasonably happy/normal family saved some other family from the grief of this horrible ungracious young lady.

When you have children you do so knowing that you are really stuck doing children things for 18 years.

It's the way things are.

I've actually had two weekends away in 18 years once when my children were 15 and 10, and once when only my youngest was at home and he was 16.

In 7 weeks time my eldest who is 18 goes to Uni and for the first time in 27 years I will live alone.

I'm not in the least bit sad, I'm excited.

ooh fabbychic from the mouth of my 10yr dgd, the world is now your lobster. there is a but though, some dc are like gremlins, if you feed or water them after midnight they multiply and then........ come back with little critters all of their own, enjoy the peace, the quiet, the freedom, but they will return, one day, some day, enjoy long soaks while you can because mark my words they will return.
now i am off to boil my own head as I sound like a bad mother.

oh just shut up fabby. I'm going through the agonies of empty nest - didn't think in a million years I would after all the slog I put in being a mother, was looking forward to time to myself blah blah blah. It just wasn't like that sweetie. HOpe you don't fall off a cliff when ds leaves for uni but ime it comes back to bite you one way or another. It took its time but hey here it is.

Do the kids ever go to sleepovers at friends houses? Maybe they coul all 'conveniently' have sleepovers at various friends on the same night...in return for a sleepover at yours, of course. Wouldn't give you a full weekend, but a nice night away somewhere?

Hi Thanks for the replies.
We were out yesterday, as a family! lol, so couldn't respond earlier.
Yes I do have friends to stay overnight BUT not all 3 at once. My eldest dcs have stayed overnight at their friends too, but my youngest won't-doesn't want to, so a bit awkward. The other thing is I would have to arrange for them to stop at 3 different places as my sons friends don't have sisters and vice versa, iyswim. As yet though my youngest would only feel comfortable staying with my parents. Blimey I hope this makes sense!
I don't begrudge anyone getting help but just wish we got a bit more as we do have fit, healthy, retired parents.
To answer a previous poster, yes my grandmother looked after me everyday as my mother worked full time. She also babysat on a regular basis too, so my parents did go out at night as well as work through the day. I adored my grandmother and in many ways was closer to her than my mother.

Apparently my inlaws did not go out, through choice, they don't go out now. My dh had to make his own way, his dad never took him anywhere. From 14 he was staying out, left to his own devices, drinking. His parents were middle class but just didn't seem to care what he did as long as he did it outside the house! lol

hi op, hope you had a good day out!

have read a lot of posts like yours on MN, women who get no help from their fit and active mums, who in turn had loads of help themselves

I've noticed the mums I know who have continual help can be very self centred and would never think to help anyone else out, in fact some of them spend a lot of time moaning that they don't get enough help as their mums only had little X for 3 nights this month..............

the mums I know who'll help me out are mums like me with no help around, only good friends who know what no help is like

the mums with loads of help wouldn't think to ask if you'd need help or like a break, they are too used to granny picking up after them to think of anyone else

I also get it op.

my mum is too busy with my sisters kids (weekends, overnight, weeks on end sometimes, takes them to and from school every day etc etc) tohave my son.
pil live a 15 minute drive away, both fit & well, but we never see or hear from them from one month to the next. ds is thier only gc.

We have never been out to celebrate our wedding anniversary and have been married for 11 years this year, wehave no one.

I do find myslef getting cross with my sisters as they completely take advantage of my mum who is going to have an operation with will leave her immobile for about 12 weeks soon, the pair of them will be completely stuck and it will prove to them how much they use & abuse her.

I get jealous of folk who casually say "oh, kids are going to my mums for the night/weekend" .

Hey ho, wont be forever will it.

OK, I`m odd as I don´t get it at all tbh.

I think that being able to rely for the odd babysitting or helping in an emergency, but other than that no.

I never stayed with my GPs so that my parents could have a weekend away & it´s never occurred to me to do it.

glotheblo You seem to be doing a great job as a granny!
However my dh and I have been together for 21 years. Our children are my dhs ONLy children. I rather think that we have stayed together for such a long time despite my parents and inlaws as to be fair they haven't done much to help us stay together!
I guesss you reap what you sow and after seriously thinking hard I can tell you that in my dds 14 years my inlaws have taken her to:

Visit a pet shop!!!!!

That is it. In 14 years of living a twenty minute tops drive away!
My youngest 2 have been taken to:

Er, nowhere! I include local parks in this. I remember visiting then once, many years ago and my dd1 asking her grandad if he would take her to the nearby park, he said no he didn't want to. I guess that set the boundaries of his relationship with us then.

We have invited them to numerous events, and to be fair my mum does come. My in laws however don't seem to give a s*.

My dds were in a dance show, pil did not come.
Talking about gifts I won't let my dcs buy for my fil as the last gifts they brought back from holiday, were described IN WRITING as crap by my fil. Of course I didn't show dcs what he had written.
Then months later has the gaul to send an email saying that he only feels close to his daughter's kids!!!!
As such I don't want my dcs staying at his, but think it would be nice if we could rely on mil occasionally to stay, like she does at my sil.

Anyway thanks for all your supportive posts.

You last post says your parents and in laws havent done much to help you and DH stay together - why should they? Its your marriage, not theirs. What have you done to help theirs? Nothing I presume.

All the posts are about you and what you think they should do for you. Theres no mention of what you do for them be it helping with shopping/garden etc.

HappyMummyofone What I was trying to say was that a lot of couples do split up, they need time to be a couple even if it is just once a year. My in laws don't seem to want to help their son out, they do their daughter though and if you read my posts you would see that this is an issue my dh has raised with his dm. So the idea that they don't want to babysit is one sided. They do it for their daughter.
What do we do for them?
Well we cook for them, invite them over. My dh is the one who gets asked for favours, not his brother or sister, by pil but this is changing as he has had enough of them tbh.
We let them know when the kids have say a dance show or rugby match-do they come_no. We have lied in the past to protect our children when they have asked if grandma and grandad will be watching them in the play etc. and made up some excuse as to why they can't come, when in reality they don't seem to care.
Dh says they were like this with him to be fair. He could have been playing for bloody England and they wouldn't have turned up. But offer them a free lunch and oh you can guatrantee they will show.

I don't think we will change anything, they are set in their ways, fair enough.

Fil has openly said that I do too much for my kids. By this he means I take them/pay for/allow them to do activities such as dancing. Again he would not have done the same for dh, not due to lack of money but just because that is how he is.

Oh and when there was a bus strike and mil couldn't get to work guess who she rang? Not daughet or son who live closer but us to give her a lift. Even though my fil has a car and he was at home at the time!!!!!!!!!. So thinking that we haven't done things for them in the past is completely wide of the mark.

Yanbu.
I understand how everyone can feel jealous of the help others have. My mum died when I was pregnant with my first child and my dad lives 5 hours away. I have made a concious effort to be grateful for my lovely little family and enjoy them. However for a time it was hard seeing my friends get do much support and I had to check myself as I was becoming quite bitter.
The only way to have a break is to do it separately or pay.
I have been much happier since I accepted this.