To wish I could rely on family more.

[muminthemiddle]

Ok,
I know that I am lucky. I have 3 dcs and a dh and we are very happy.
I just wish that myself and dh could go away for the weekend without being made to feel that we owe either grandparents a huge favour for them looking after our dcs (their grandkids).
I bumped into a friend in town and she mentioned that she was going away with her dh for the weekend. I asked if her 2 dds were going and she said oh no just the 2 of us. I admit whilst I am pleased for her and am not in the least bit jealous of couples who can get away, my immediate thought was how nice it would be to have parents and inlaws who will gladly look after our dcs without making you feel like you are either:

A complete bitch from hell for even thinking of leaving your dcs.
An ungrateful sod for wanting to spend time alone with dh.
Taking the complete piss out of others hospitality.

For the record my dcs are 14, 12 and 9 and well behaved(on the whole!) seriously though they are not problem kids for want of a better phrase.
It is just after 14 years it would be nice to be able to take up friends offers of a weekend away.
I am an only child so my mum doesn't have any other grandkids. I have spoken to her before about how she makes a song and dance if ever I ask her to babysit. I am not ungrateful for what she does do but like my inlaws she is always available whenever we are having a do and feeding everyone.
My fil makes no bones about the fact that he won't do anyone a favour and neither will he allow his wife to do so. I use that term deliberately as she is a battered wife and has to ask his permission to babysit.
Anyway due to something which happened we don't let the kids stay at fil.

Sorry for such a long post, both myself and dh have often spoken about how unfair it seems that we both have parents who are less than great at helping out. I don't want to sound selfish but we mean this as neither of us felt we had a great childhood either.

I know that IANBU and in time my dcs will be old enough to stay alone. I know that I have more than others but still can't help feeling that fate has dealt both myself and dh a crap hand.
Thanks for sticking this far.

YANBU, and the fact that you chose to have 3 children is a non argument.
In my experience the majority of grandparents or relatives who are healthy and have a good relationship with their sons/daughters are usually to lend a hand (and have a relationships with their grandchildren).

This doesn't mean that people farm their children to them every other day

usually happy

No, yanbu. I'm in a very similar position and in fact it's shattered my marriage . Just no time together to be able to re-connect. We managed a couple of nights away over 6 years, but the logistics were so bad it was almost not worth it.

However what do you do about it? I shall now get some free nights when DS goes to STBEXH - not quite the same tho is it?

Oh hun I am sorry to read that your family or in laws are not supportive with the childcare, of course it is not their obligation, but it will show their love and care for both their grandchildren and children to want to spend some time with them and allowing you two to spend some 'couple' time. I would understand a bit of resistance if they were babies or toddlers as it is so hard, and the physical strength can be too much for an older person, but those ages are perfectly fine. Nothing you can do, but be a much better grandparent when your turn comes in.
There are a lot of couple without family help out here. Big hug for you

We don't have any family that will help at all, so AnE visits with kids etc etc and also husband works away during the week. I'm exhausted. I would love to earn enough to pay to have help!

However Small Person will be joining Brownies and I do hope to encourage weekend camps etc....

I'm probably coming at this the wrong way, but why does a relationship need nights away alone? DH and I haven't had one since DS was born and we're quite happy with that. Our 5th wedding anniversary is coming up and we're going to go away. We haven't considered for a moment that DS woudn't come with us.

Either set of GPs would be happy to have DS so it's nothing to do with that - we just wouldn't consider it necessary. We're not people who baulk at leaving DS with others either, he goes to nursery 4 days a week and GPs pick him up early one afternoon a week and take him out.

I do feel sorry for people who have no help at all though. We enjoy our nights out together, but even so, they're rare.

You may want a break, But you are so lucky that your kids have grandparents!
my DH parents are both dead. his Mum had cancer, his Dad had motor nurone. My Dad is on his own, my mum is paralized and in a home. My Dad does his best but he's not up to looking after 3 kids! Mine are similar ages to yours. Just enjoy your parents for what they are now. Maybe they could do with a bit of looking after and spoiling too. People get tired as they get older, give them a break.
A trip would be nice, perhaps you can ask friends for help, then return the favour at some point

I think so many people assume that grandparents will take on the overnights etc and when they dont they simply dont care as grandparents. Some people measure good in family by the amount of time they spend babysitting.

The OP doesnt mention a single thing she does for her parents/in laws, just what they dont do for her.

Nothing to do with being a matyr, just pointing out that the OP feels shes been dealt a crap hand yet doesnt seem to do anything for either set of parents and paying for childcare doesnt seem to have occured to her as she feels entitled to it from family.

Hi OP, I don't think YABU. It is nice to have a break now and again. Plus I always think their are benefits for the kids as well. My parents did very well out of the family when my brother and I were little! We would go to one set of grandparents on a Friday so my Mum could sleep off her night shift, then on Friday nights our Uncle would come and babysit so my parents could have 'date night'. Then on Sunday we would go to our other grandparents for lunch so our parents could stay home and bonk do the housework. It was honestly really nice for us, I have a loving relationship with my extended family still (albeit only with the ones still alive ) and know how much they cared about me and DB.

Nowadays it's not so easy, both my Nan and Grandma were housewifes and so had more time for us as small children, whereas my Mum, now a Granny herself still works full time, and so does not have the time to devote to her grandchildren. But admittedly she is very good, has had DD overnight twice (she is 20 months). My ILs are estranged (they are like yours) so obviously no help from that side, but we know we could always ask my DB or my best friend if we really wanted to.

As people have suggested, do they have friends they could do sleepovers with? Or do you have any good friends who may help you out as a once off?

My parents and ILs don't live anywhere near us.
My parents will take my DCs out for a while (when they were babies it was out in the pram, then the park,or out to their friends. Now they take them out to town)
Usually I'm shopping or cooking/cleaning.This is either at their house or mine.
Its a win/win. They spend time with my adorable DCs and get their dinner cooked

My ILs looked after my SILs DCs 3/7 days and had overnights etc.
Them looking after my DCs didn't really come up due to distance but I decided very early on they wouldn't because
They were very heavy smokers, and I was forever having to remove my DCs from the room.FIL was worse.He would just light up, even though my DS desperately wanted to play/chatter or show him toys.
My MIL took my DS to town (he was 2.6 and like a whippet).I said he goes on reins. She said ' Oh X and Y ( other GCs) don't use reins'. Yes but they are more used to her.

We drive out of house with DC2 in car. They were at the bus-stop on a very busy main road.She wasn't even holding his hand let alone reins.. Luckily he didn't see the car or he might have run into the road after us.
I ask her to do one fecking thing.One I don't mind if she buys him cake or chips or all the other things GPs do. I ask her to hold the reins of a 2.6 yo on a busy road.!

I think the OP (and others) are bemoaning the lack of interest the GP are showing to their DGC, not somuch a moan about a lack of overnights etc.

It's nice for parents to feel their own parents are wanting to spend time with GC and often it feels like a slap in the face when GP couldn't care less.

Yanbu, we don't have any family that can babysit at all, really. Mil used to look after dd1 for a few hours but it got too much for her. Never had a night without the kids since dd1 was born 5 years ago, just the way it is as she and my dad are the only gps around and they are both late 70s. But I am green with envy at those who get regular overnight and weekend breaks from the kids. Would just be nice to have a weekend when dh and I could just relax on our own in our own home.

Hello, as a youngish granny of 3 dgc I'm 55yrs (had my own 4 ds before the age of 22) and as my dgc came into the world I can honestly say that I have earned a degree from the uni of babysitting. (I did not work for health reasons)
I have provided child care so they could work and b/sitting for nights out and taken them to my holiday home for nights away.
In all that time I have yet to receive a birthday/mothers day card let alone a special titled granny one from either of the 2 mothers, one quite unashamedly told me that I wasn't babysitting for her I was doing it for my son!! and it was up to him.
The other one is on the whole an ungrateful bitch who thinks its my fault my son does not have a relationship with his dd (no its your fault you fucking slack alice for moving your new bf in 5months after giving birth to her and expecting him to visit her while new bf is upstairs wtf) btw this girl seems to like boys fighting over her.
Sorry to say but most of the mothers today seem to think that us gps should be gratefull that we are even allowed to look at their pfb and when they deign to let us look after them we get it all fooking wrong.
Or maybe thats my own dcs bad choice of partner.

Glo - I'm sorry you've had a bad experience, and you seem like a great gran to your DGC.

For what it's worth, I don't think you tarring all modern mums with the same brush is fair at all!

My own mum and MIL are 'young' too - my mum is still in her 40s and MIL is mid 50s. As I've said in a previous post, my mum works full time yet is a great help when she can. MIL is retired and doesn't do anything with DS. Each birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day I get each of them a special 'granny' gift from my DS.

I'm sure plenty of other modern mums are the same.

We live far from family.

You just get used to it.

Long, long ago I stopped feeling jealous about people who have lots of family house.

It's like people who inherit loads of money.

It's a waste of time and effort to feel anything other than, 'C'est la vie,' about it all.

Oh I know its not all modern mothers who are like this, I honestly believe that I have been unlucky in that both mothers of my own gc seem to have a sense of entitlement that is breathtaking, when my 1st gc was born my ds and gf had split up, as he had no job and seemed to be heading for a breakdown re the split I offered to care for gc when her mum went back to work as this would help financially (ds couldnt) and Im so glad I did as I now have a lovely relationship with dc but omg the rows that this ex gf caused between me and my own ds were horrendous. I didnt mean to use the tarring brush but sometimes there is an underlying issue or resentment that causes gps to be like this, sometimes its the mother whether she is a dd or dil that can be causing the problem, only saying.

they won't babysit for you - what do you do for them - maybe they'd be writing similar posts about "my daughter won't..." - is the first thing that strikes me... secondly - why not use a babysitter for the odd night away - given kids ages hardly too expensive - or get them staying over with diff firends for night - or do you not have their friends to stay over?

I haven't (or didn't - kids flown) have much help either, even though all my family (4 siblings) and parents are in the same city. I am also a single parent. There is no way in a million years any one of them would help me out with my kids. Apart from my mum who, dodging my dad's diktats, has helped me out to the best of her ability. I was burgled once and the back doors were smashed to smithereens, didn't have the dosh to get someone in to mend it or even board it up. Called and asked someone (family) to help and they made excuses, eventually said they'd be here at blah blah and didn't turn up. Had to sleep with the back of the house wide open to the elements.

I win the poor-pity story ha ha

It just hurts, imo. You get on with it, you bear it, but it hurts. Imo it is essential to help out families with kids. The pressures on couples, particularly in the early years when the kids are small, are huge as it's then that most careers are being formed, mortgages paid re a lot of financial pressure; plus on top of that the very challenging job of bringing up kids. It wasn't until I had my own that I thought 'it's not supposed to be like this! You can't possibly do this all on your own!' (that was when I was married) and had new respect for the commumity aspect of so many cultures.

In marriage ceremonies (in church, anyway, not sure about registry etc?) the vicar/priest asks for a commitment from the congregation to do all they can to support this marriage. imo that includes taking the load off now and again, giving the couple a chance to reconnect, helping out where you can.

That said, like glo, I offered to help out a young couple who were up to their necks in stress one way or another. It was astonishing how quickly they took me for granted. It won't put me off though - I backed off from that couple, but it won't put me off helping out other couples where I can/if it is appropriate/if they don't take the piss.

imo it's shocking that GPs/families don't help out.

Well Glo you shouldn't really blame it all on the mother's maybe your ds's should have used some contraception.

I don't think YABU OP. My mother looks after my 3 children one night a week so DH and I can go out. She does't have them over night once a week, but does come and babysit. She also has them each for 1 week over the summer holidays (not all at the same time, but on separate weeks) and I am so thankful for her. Kids also have a wonderful relationship with her and my Dad. Dad is disabled and can't do much, so DM enjoys having the grandchildren as its great company for her. I realise I'm really really lucky, so i feel for you, because i know how helpful it is to have grandparents who can help. In-laws would help but they are 4 hours away, but they have had DS1 to stay for a week before and when we lived closer were always available to help out.

It is a little bit tricker when it comes to nights away though as I don't think either grandparents could cope with all 3 at the same time. Recently we had to find somewhere for the 2 boys to stay as DD was going into hospital and we had a very early start, so rather than rely on grandparents to have both, I sent the youngest to stay with grandparents and the oldest to stay at my friends. I would probably do something similar if we wanted a weekend away although my brother and his DF have offered in the past to have all 3 of them, so maybe I should take them up on it!!

OP - did your parents go away for weekends on their own when you were young? Did their parents look after you?

Being envious of other families who get lots of help and support from the grandparents is like being envious of families who have more money than you, or who are better looking than you, or have more exciting jobs than you, or cleverer children, or whatever. Just a pointless and self destructive waste of head space.

oh I don't agree bibbity. helping out is as easy as falling off a log, it takes nothing to do it (usually - obviously difficult if there are eg health constraints). Being rich takes a lot of work/luck etc, you're lucky if your job is exciting, you're born with good or not looks (not much you can do about it), children are born clever (ish). All those you can do nothing much about. For someone to help out is available to all - if they choose. When they refuse it is like a slap in the face.

glotheblo... That's really awful. It's interesting to hear it from the perspective of a grandparent.

Some of the posts here really seem to focus on grandparents' love for DC can only be proved by babysitting and sleepovers. I don't think that's right at all. From the myriad complaints you read on this thread, I think that some mothers just love to control every aspect of GP interaction with the GC and they don't seem to realise that GPs have raised their own children and a) don't need the instruction and b) find it intrusive to the point that they give up.

hello again, can i tell you a tragi/funny one.
My mil (although she was dh foster mother, not a nice woman) always said she would not babysit any of my dc as they were not really hers, okaaay) anyway she was a bingo nut every afternoon and eve, my ds went into labour while she visiting us and while we were running around like headless chickens, she got into a fruitloop because she would not be getting her lift into bingo, (I was going to hospital with my ds) and now she would be late for eyes down, she flounces out the door and runs up my street to catch the bus cursing us and shouting at the bus to stop while running, she caught the bus alright, it stopped, she didnt and she was killed outright by the bingo bus.
okay nots so funny but I do smile when I think of it.

O.M.G glo!!!!