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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to MIL's request?

61 replies

MilaMae · 19/08/2011 17:06

The request being to stand on a station platform,pay a fortune for parking and wait an hour minimum with the dc (7,7 and 6)for mil and fil to arrive on a first class steam train(which is always hopelessly late).

The request then entails going to a British Rail equivalent cafe on the platform with said dc and inlaws to while away 2 hours whilst my twin boys manage to consume vast quantities of sugar sachets and tease my dd mercilessly because all 3 are bored out of their brains.

We're then supposed to troop back and hang around for an hour minimum(it's always late returning)to wave said inlaws off as they tuck into their gourmet 4 course dinner en route to their plush 2 night hotel in Padstow(I think).

They live in London ,we live in Devon so mil thinks it's a good op for quality time which is actually code for us entertaining her during their 2 hour stop over.

Background info-Mil generally refuses to leave her garden in the summer and travel at all in the winter(for fear of being snowed in from Nov until March) Hmm.She will visit Devon during Easter only.We visit them as much as we can but it's slightly limited due to fuel costs.

Mil books said luxury train trips willy nilly,announces the date with no consultation and we're all expected to scuttle over.Last year sil and family trooped over from Somerset.We had 5 kids between us all under 8 trapped on a platform for hours-it was hell.

This little joyfest is supposed to take place the Sunday afternoon before the kids return to school.

DD,DP,dtwin 2 and I hate f*ing steam trains.Dtwin 1 and inlaws love them.

Sil has cleverly now moved and citing distance as a reason not to attend.She's been let off,dp has finally seen the light and said no(thank god)-he's in trouble.I think she cried.He feels shit but determined.

So are we being unreasonable????

OP posts:
GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/08/2011 17:43

But have you told her it doesn't work for you?

Original poster
MilaMae · 19/08/2011 17:43

Bananaman-because it's always late.We obviously have to be there on time incase it isn't.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 19/08/2011 17:45

How old are your twins?

My DS (now 10) has had to sit through numerous formal occasions over the years with 'elderly' grandparents where he has been bored out of his mind (much worse than sitting on a train platform) but he just understands that is part of family life Grin. Take books/comics/whatever to keep him amused.

I am sure it is a pain but that's life sometimes !

Original poster
MilaMae · 19/08/2011 17:46

God yes GetAway but she still books the bloody trips.She has very selective hearing.She does what she wants to do end of. Dp,fil and sisters have always just fallen in line with everything for an easy life.Since we've had kids dp has less inclination to do so.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 19/08/2011 17:46

YANBU - if she wants to see her DGC, she should arrange to visit you, at your home. This is bloody rude actually.

Stick to your guns, I also think it's really rude that she won't visit you in winter in case she gets stuck in the snow, but has no problem with you being stuck in the snow visiting/returning from visiting her with 3 children. People who think they are more important than everyone else deserve being pulled up on it now and then.

pigletmania · 19/08/2011 17:46

No way, my dd 4 (sn) would have a mahoosive meltdown at even the first request. Can't imagine an nt child going through all that

Georgimama · 19/08/2011 17:48

Tell them you're terribly sorry but you have a subsequent engagement. Ring off while she's puzzling that one out.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/08/2011 17:48

Well I think you have no choice then - be busy

Original poster
MilaMae · 19/08/2011 17:50

The twins are 7,dd 6.

7 year old twin boys are like bear cubs when bored.We of course discipline them but it's stressful for all.Where do we do the activities?We can't take up the few places in the tiny cafe all day and there are few seats on the platform.Last time they all had to sit on the floor.

1 10 year old I could handle.

OP posts:
MightyQuim · 19/08/2011 17:50

I would compromise and turn up an hour after it's due to arrive and have a drink and some cake with them and chat for an hour and then just leave at the departure time whether the train's there or not. Explain to the IL's beforehand that it will be lovely to see them but waiting indefinitely on trains is a bit much for the kids.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 19/08/2011 17:55

It's not "a couple of hours" it's at least one hour + another couple + at least one more = a whole tedious day spent trying to amuse kids who don't give a toss about steam trains, and no matter how much they love their GPs are going to be bloody bored with them after half an hour sitting in a cafe.

Nay, nay and thrice nay YANBU!

Let them get a normal train and come for a normal visit once a year.

MIL sounds just like mine: won't do anything Nov-Mar in case of snow; April and October are too rainy, and May-September she's not feeling well owing to "a summer cold/something going about". Hmm

lachesis · 19/08/2011 17:56

YANBU. Just tell her NO. Why make excuses? 'Sorry, but no.'

MrsPollifaxInnocentTourist · 19/08/2011 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 19/08/2011 18:00

YANBU If your MIL chooses to put her garden before her DS, DIL and DGC she has to accept the consequence is that she sees less of you. To expect you to hang around for hours for her convenience is selfish and self-centred.

lachesis · 19/08/2011 18:03

I'd be plain with her, too. A simple, 'No. Spending hours waiting on crowded train platforms doesn't work for us as a family,' will do.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 19/08/2011 18:05

I like MightyQuim's compromise.

Original poster
MilaMae · 19/08/2011 18:05

Euph we once had to travel when my dtwins were 6 months old and I was pg with dd just so they could see them ditto the next year when dd was born-3 fecking babies under 18 months old in a car from Devon to London in Dec just so mil could see them at Xmas!!!!!!!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 19/08/2011 18:11

You don't want to do it, it's not fun for the kids, DP has already handled the tough part and said no. I don't see why you are still fretting about this. Don't undermine your dp by going back on what he said to his mum.

I have found I am a lot happier since I started pleasing myself and stopped bending to what other people want.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/08/2011 18:13

yes, because when you do do something you do it happily

Original poster
MilaMae · 19/08/2011 18:17

Don't worry I'm not going back on it and I'm kind of proud of dp for standing firm.Think he feels a bit shit though,just wanted reassurance that we'd done the right thing I guess. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MilaMae · 19/08/2011 18:31

Thanks for all the opinions.

OP posts:
Lonnie · 19/08/2011 18:36

I would take games etc for the kids and keep sugar well away.

Arrive 1/2 hour later if it is always late and just knock it down to one of those things

fedupofnamechanging · 19/08/2011 18:38

I am getting very selfish in my old age. I think that in any kind of conflict, if only one person is going to be happy and get the result they want, that person might as well be me!

Okay, I'm probably not quite that brutal, but I have come to recognise that what I want is as important as what other people want. Not more important, but certainly not less either. This has helped me when negotiating with my mil and with my dh.

lachesis · 19/08/2011 18:39

My kids aren't occupied by games more than a couple of minutes. They'd start fighting as well.

It's just one of those things you can do without, so do.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 20/08/2011 02:41

I would be so tempted to buy her and FIL a normal day return to see you on a weekend you can manage (and ideally you know they're free), ring up and say enthusiastically you've bought them this thread and isn't it much better?