Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my sister what her teenage kids are up to?

61 replies

smithereenies · 19/08/2011 10:06

I'm the mum of small children but have teenage newphews and nieces - I know that my niece's boyfriend was smoking dope at her 17th birthday party as I smelled and saw it and my 14 yo nephew's fb profile shows him with a can of beer. My ds is a bit concerned about her dd's relationship with her bf due to his sometimes irrational and very emotional behaviour - and I said maybe he smokes dope and she said she really hoped not - i then asked if she thought her ds drank and again she said she hopes not....I asked if he is on fb and she said she thought so - in other words I was trying to draw her attention to it without explicitly spelling it out.
Should I tell her? I haven't and I'd feel like a bit of a snitch but then again I only have very young dcs so don't have her perspective yet.....any parents of teenagers might be able to advise please?

OP posts:
Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 10:52

festi - yes, its up to their mum not me

auntiemonica - thanks. I've made sure not to make comments on her kids other than to praise them or sort of reassure her - I hope that as maybe she was such an unusually well behaved teenager and never dabbled in anything whereas I was the opposite that I could be a teeny bit of a sounding board or something...but I don't feel its my position to in any way advise her!

I'm inclined to maybe let the bf smoking dope thing go as it wasn't my actual niece....but maybe I should tell her to check out her ds's fb profile pic - I mean its public so its not as if its a secret!

OP posts:
festi · 19/08/2011 10:53

that is rubbish pictish how would she know about eveything they do when she is not around. I smoked dope drank and sometimes got pissed my mum did not have a clue half the time. she most certainly wasnt living under a blanket, I just never got found it.

Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 10:53

pictish - no she isn't aware - I asked her directly if her ds drinks and she said she hopes not!

OP posts:
Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 10:58

anyway, thanks for those perspectives. Damn, will one of you tell her? [coward emoticon]. so not looking forward to my dcs being teens, I'll be a nervous wreck!

OP posts:
pictish · 19/08/2011 10:58

Well whatever.

Personally I'd keep my beak out - but that's just me.

MN is chocca full of meddlers and hysteria mongers OP - I'm sure the majority will convince you to get involved and pass on what you've seen.

Nothing like brightening your own day by interfering in someone else's, eh ladies?

Laters x

AuntieMonica · 19/08/2011 11:03

have you thought that maybe she is aware but wanted to avoid discussing it with you?

not because of your input, but maybe you were in earshot of other people, it wasn't the right time, loads of reasons.

do you know her DS drinks, or have you jumped to conclusions because you saw the picture? maybe she took it? it was a joke?

i think not but really, you have to trust your sister's judgement and parenting skills.

Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 11:05

pictish - that's a little unfair, I suppose its a matter of opinion whether its 'meddling' when a 14 yo is involved - I don't think it outlandish that a 14 yo has a beer but he isn't MY ds..to me it is a bit of a conundrum that's all. And I do appreciate ALL advice so thanks everyone

OP posts:
pictish · 19/08/2011 11:07

My post certainly wasn't aimed at you OP. Don't worry x

Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 11:09

Auntiemonica - I think she genuinely doesn't know factually but might suspect he does. And no, all I know is the picture - and she said she doesn't know if he's on fb. And yes I totally trust her parenting skills - or rather I don't have any major opinion on them, just think her kids are great and I love her and them and I hope she'll be able to advise me if I need or ask her to in years to come! I am not the type to pass major comments on someone else's kids

OP posts:
AuntieMonica · 19/08/2011 11:10

i realise that, smithereenies

Smile
festi · 19/08/2011 11:12

pitch I think its silly to get so defensive just because I care disagree and think what you are saying is rubbish.

how old are you? "whatever" "laters" Hmm

Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 11:20

ok then maybe I'll leave it.
TBH following the above comments, if something happened to him because of drink I don't think her knowing he is posing on fb with a can of beer would make much difference seeing as she's already talking to him about drink.. I think if I was his mum I'd think he was foolish to be presenting himself on fb in that way.

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 19/08/2011 11:24

If you were my sister and I found out that you'd known this, had concerns and hadn't told me you'd be unlikely to be seeing me or my children again.

I'd far rather know so I could deal with it than be kept in the dark because... well, because of WHAT, exactly?

festi · 19/08/2011 11:27

I would just tell her Op you have had a range of opinions here and if you feel you should, which you obviously do then tell her, end off she will either say, yes I know thanks or she will say no I didnt know that. either way what harm is done.

however if something further was to transpire and you said I knew that, she may be a bit upset you hadnt told her. I do see what the outrage is about telling her.

festi · 19/08/2011 11:27

I dont see

Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 11:35

dogsbestfriend - really? you would cut off your sister because she didn't tell you that your son's fb profile shows him holding a can of beer?

OP posts:
Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 11:36

festi - Telling her might be interfering I suppose, and if he's foolish enough to pose publicly with a can of beer talking to her about fb means she can find out herself - better than being told, no?

OP posts:
DraculasMum · 19/08/2011 11:39

pictish you forgot your valium this morning?

Or is it another case of someone thinks different to you so let's go on the attack..

knittedbreast · 19/08/2011 11:40

its not protecting them from harm, they are just enjoying themselves. let them get on with its normal. most teens do this

festi · 19/08/2011 11:45

I personaly would tell smithers without a second thought In the knowledge my sister would see it rationally and not over react in terms of her ability to manage this as a parent nor her reaction to me.

Original poster
smithereenies · 19/08/2011 11:47

ok festi thanks. I've noticed that sometimes when it comes to other people commenting on your kids its not a rational scenario!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 19/08/2011 11:59

I think if these were my DC, I'd rather know. Given all the crap that goes on through FB, if I were these DC's mother, I'd be checking their FB profiles as well on a regular basis - although I don't like snooping, there are too many dangerous things going on via FB and I would never forgive myself if something happened to my DC that I could have side-stepped if I'd been aware.

Of course there are always things that you can do nothing about - but there are things you can do something about, and I'd rather be in possession of the facts (or as near as I could be)

Anyway. That's how I'd feel as their mother - as their aunt I might find myself in a similar position and dither as you.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/08/2011 12:12

I'd dither too.

They're just doing what (most) teenagers do so I wouldn't be worried about them as an aunt or a bystander, but I'd still rather know if they were my children.

There are friends of mine who I'd receive the news from gratefully, and neighbours who - if they informed me - would piss me off because I'd just know they were being all smug about "doing the right thing" and loving the gossip opportunity. The reasons for talking to the mum are all I think.

BlueFergie · 19/08/2011 12:21

Look this depends on a lot of things. Firstly and most importantly it depends on your relationship with your sister. My DSis and I both have young children. We are close and love each others kids. We worry about them and discipline them and keep them in line when we are with each other. We have very similiar values and attitudes in most things to do with parenting.
I would not contemplate for a second keeping from my sister some relevant or important information about her kids that had come to my attention. It would be as ludicrious to me as keeping similiar information about our kids from DH. If I told her she would take it in the spirit it was meant ie as a non judgemental, non interfering FYI. I would then leave it totally to her to deal with without offering any advice unless asked.
If my niece or nephew had confided something to me, then this would make things more complicated. However this is not what happened here. You came across this information by accident and you are under no obligation (real or otherwise) to keep a confidence.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 19/08/2011 12:26

It depends on your opinion of drinking and dope-smoking. You'll find a range of opinion on that on MN too.

If I thought my DSis would be concerned about this I'd tell her

Swipe left for the next trending thread