Not sure who if anyone is being unreasonable and how to sort this out.

[PrisonerZero]

This will make me instantly identifable so will try and be brief.

Sadly DPs uncle died, he left three adult children behind, a brother (DPs dad) and a Sister.

DP and I have a 9 week old son.

All the other relatives are more distant, not frequently seen other than at weddings, funerals, family events. None have met our DS.

DS has been the only baby born in the family for 25 years.

So, the problem is this:

Understandbly, we have been asked that DS doesn't attend the church service - I totally agree with this and wouldn't have taken him anyway.

But, we have also been told that DS isn't welcome at the wake afterwards (in a child friendly pub) as (and I quote) "He would take the limelight away from the decesed" and they want people to be thinking of him rather than paying attention to DS.

Now, DP and his parents are offended and have had words with the deceaseds adult children saying that DS is family too and that they can't understand why he is barred from the wake. Questions will be asked as to the whereabouts of DS and I, and I am sure comments will be made when they find out we wern't allowed to come. There will be an atmosphere and it will be uncomfortable for everyone - DP and his parents will probably leave after having a quick drink.

Now, I am not overly concerned really whether DS and I are there or not, but I can see that this is going to run and run with me at the centre of it. I can't leave DS with a babysitter as I am breastfeeding and plus I don't want too. DP and his parents want to introduce the baby to their side of the family, they are proud of DS and feel he has been snubbed.

So who if anyone is being unreasonable, and whats the solution?

I find it very very strange that they are Irish and don't want LO there and would be wondering why? (Are they Irish Irish or Plastics?)

But thats me, from your point of view keep well out (as you are doing).

But I would say while they have lost their Dad, horrible I know I speak from experience, your FIL has lost his brother.

Anyway, as you said you'd miss most of the mass anyway and there will always be time to meet the rest of the family someother time, and if you haven't met them before it would be a lot of pressure on you.

Just tell DP not to crack a smile or a joke, won't you? Clearly the family don't want anything to brighten their day and would prefer to wallow. Sorry, but after the 'taking the limelight' remark, I think they sound peculiar.

how on earth does this make you recognisable??? anyway

just dont go,you cant leave such a small baby, let DP go solo

let them have their funeral, just leave it, no agrro

they are BU but are bereaved

Yanbu - but you need to respect their wishes.
Don't make a fuss, express and go or bf and stay home with ds - but be dignified - but henceforth feel free to think them a bit loopy!!

Btw, where I come from all life occasions are very much a family event (birth, marriage, death and all in between) - so I'm biased...

DP and his family are IrishIrish and the Uncles children were bought up in another country - seperately for the most part from the Uncle (not UK or Ireland) so don't really go for alot of the more traditional Irish stuff - perhaps thats the problem, different experiences and expectations of funerals etc.

"in all honesty, I don't want to go to the funeral or the wake - I would be uncomfortable feeding DS, would be expected to be on ceremony, dressed immacualtly and talk to lots of people I barely know, I am just too tired"

Well, if this is the truth, where's the issue? This is the reply recommended by Madame Deathstare to any enquiries, and it sounds very tactful, but seeing as it's the truth, it's a no-brainer to me.

In your place, I would have tried to organise a little get-together the following day so that relatives can meet you and the baby if they so wish. Or maybe just have an "at-home" arrangement where they can call in sometime during the day.

Perhaps the problem is that your husband/ILs can´t be trusted not to use the wake as a chance to introduce the new baby or the other relatives can´t be trusted not to make a big deal of the babyß

I wouldn´t not be inviting as I´d hope that people would behave appropriately tbh.

But if OP doesn´t want to go anyway, what´s the problem?

yanbu, i missed my uncles funeral because my mum told me i wasnt allowed to take the children, i have no childcare so couldnt go.... my grandma was really upset at me for not going as my mum had decided this for herself and shes not even related to him (my dads brother, mum and dad divorced for 20 years)

My mum was trying to persuade me not to take my DD to my great-aunt's funeral (on my dad's side) - saying the same thing - it would distract from the person who died.
I took DD anyway and everyone said that it actually helped at the wake having a baby face about and something positive to focus on amongst the sadness and the rememberances. In no way did she steal the limelight.

That said, if you don't want to go and you've been asked not to, and it's not your side of the family then I'd just shrug and say their loss (in many, many ways). Sorry for your DH's loss and that he may feel snubbed. I hope he just puts it down to them being emotionally delicate.

Ultimately I suppose it's up to the deceased's immediate family, but at the last funeral I went to it was a blessed relief when the children (who hadn't been at the service) arrived at the wake. It gave everyone something to talk and smile about.

I don't suppose one of the adult children could be having difficulty TTC and "someone" has taken it upon themselves to protect that person, at an already difficult time, by preventing them coming into contact with a new(ish)born?

I don't think you need to worry about explaining why you aren't there though. Most people would think having a new baby was a reasonable reason not to attned (esp as not your close relative), unless you want people to know you were asked not to go?

OP, you said the three bereaved children are in their 20s and have no children. It's quite a young age to lose a parent and also, without having had children of their own, they may not appreciate the -often- positive effect of a child at a funeral. To them it may just mean distracting noise and interruptions at an event they are dreading. Your FIL and DH are 'loved up' with your DS and can't quite see that POV in the middle of their own grief. Do you think DH and FIL can take a moment to understand/sympathise?

I would be tempted to tell DH that if anyone has a real desire to meet DS, to come back to your for a quick cuppa after the wake or the next day if they are staying over. Or arrange to meet a few in the pub the next day for a small meal.

Respect what they have asked, i dont think its too much given they have lost their dad.