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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure who if anyone is being unreasonable and how to sort this out.

62 replies

PrisonerZero · 18/08/2011 13:41

This will make me instantly identifable so will try and be brief.

Sadly DPs uncle died, he left three adult children behind, a brother (DPs dad) and a Sister.

DP and I have a 9 week old son.

All the other relatives are more distant, not frequently seen other than at weddings, funerals, family events. None have met our DS.

DS has been the only baby born in the family for 25 years.

So, the problem is this:

Understandbly, we have been asked that DS doesn't attend the church service - I totally agree with this and wouldn't have taken him anyway.

But, we have also been told that DS isn't welcome at the wake afterwards (in a child friendly pub) as (and I quote) "He would take the limelight away from the decesed" and they want people to be thinking of him rather than paying attention to DS.

Now, DP and his parents are offended and have had words with the deceaseds adult children saying that DS is family too and that they can't understand why he is barred from the wake. Questions will be asked as to the whereabouts of DS and I, and I am sure comments will be made when they find out we wern't allowed to come. There will be an atmosphere and it will be uncomfortable for everyone - DP and his parents will probably leave after having a quick drink.

Now, I am not overly concerned really whether DS and I are there or not, but I can see that this is going to run and run with me at the centre of it. I can't leave DS with a babysitter as I am breastfeeding and plus I don't want too. DP and his parents want to introduce the baby to their side of the family, they are proud of DS and feel he has been snubbed.

So who if anyone is being unreasonable, and whats the solution?

OP posts:

diddl · 18/08/2011 14:15

It sounds as if they don´t want the wake to become a "let´s meet Prisoners Ds"
occasion-if as you say many relative haven´t see him.

I think it would be wrong to g against what they want tbh.

MadamDeathstare · 18/08/2011 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/08/2011 14:21

Well it is a bit odd - perhaps there's some history that you don't know about.

But your DH will just have to go on his own and say that you and the baby couldn't make it.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/08/2011 14:22

Oh yes - madamDeathstare's solution is perfect.

Maryz · 18/08/2011 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PrisonerZero · 18/08/2011 14:30

I just don't want it to cause problems within their family (in all honesty, I don't want to go to the funeral or the wake - I would be uncomfortable feeding DS, would be expected to be on ceremony, dressed immacualtly and talk to lots of people I barely know, I am just too tired, an hour at the wake would have been my limit )

I'm staying well out of it and not commenting on it to anyone (lots of polite hmms, nods and smiles iyswim) but I can see how it is going to drag. DP and his dad are upset that their son/grandson isn't welcome, (DPs dad has lost his brother and mother in the last three months so this probably seems a huge deal to him, DS is a positive focus for him) and unfortunately the whole family have a stubborn streak.

(Extended family haven't met DS as they live in Ireland)

OP posts:

Original poster

PrisonerZero · 18/08/2011 14:33

Maryz - non of the adult children have their own familes. Not sure of the reasons why (they are all in their 20's) but have spent time living in different countries etc so I don't know them very well.

OP posts:

ragged · 18/08/2011 14:33

yanbu, but your DP/his dad have to take it up with their relatives if they dare.

DogsBestFriend · 18/08/2011 14:35

"In other words, do they have a reason for not wanting any children at what will be an emotional event for them?

And if they have such a reason, you will have to abide by their wishes,"

What the Jeff?

The OP MUST, imho, abide by the bereaved wishes regardless of the reason for them! It's not for anyone, especially a non-blood relative, to decide whether grieving sons and daughters have good enough reason for making a decision relating to THEIR FATHER'S wake. It would be appallingly ignorant and cruel not to.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/08/2011 14:39

I would respect their wishes. It doesn't seem particularly odd to me that they want the focus of the wake to be remembering their father and not an introduction to your baby, for the rest of the family.

I wouldn't lie about it though, or you may leave other people with the impression that you didn't want to go. I'd not make a big thing of it, but if anyone asked I would say that the children asked you not to bring the baby.

I'd also ask my IL's to stop arguing over this now. These people have lost their dad and don't need to be dealing with your stroppy IL's too!

diddl · 18/08/2011 14:40

"DP and his parents want to introduce the baby to their side of the family, they are proud of DS and feel he has been snubbed."

Missed this first time round.

It´s not a snub as it´s not exactly a social event.

Likewise, it is a wake to remember someone.

If your husband & parents want an event specifically to introduce your baby to the family, then it´s up to them to arrange something.

fannybaws · 18/08/2011 14:41

Weird, my mouth actually dropped open when you said they are irish.
Are you sure there is not a rift somewhere that no one has told you about?
Did they all attend the recent funerals?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/08/2011 14:41

They're being unreasonable - and grieving is no excuse for being so selfish. If a member of our family died we wouldn't dream of being so insensitive as to tell anyone not to come along. A funeral and wake is everyone's chance to remember the deceased person whereas they seem to be treating it as an egocentric glum-fest. Might a cheery baby make them forget to be sad or something? The only 'limelight' in danger of being taken, of course, is off them - who have clearly cast themselves as mourners in chief.

DogsBestFriend · 18/08/2011 14:44

"I'd also ask my IL's to stop arguing over this now. These people have lost their dad and don't need to be dealing with your stroppy IL's too!"

Well said Karma.

Maybe you need to speak to DP and FIL and say "Look, no-one wants to go to a funeral/wake at the best of times and certainly not just 9 weeks post-partum. My son won't have a clue he missed it, there's plenty of time for family to meet him in happier circumstances, you, FIL, can see him whenever it's convenient for us both. That poor family have just lost their Daddy and I feel sorry for them - I want to make their goodbyes as painless as possible so I've no issue with my son not being invited, this isn't the time and place for introductions, the family are right. Let's have a bit of thought for THEM, shall we gentlemen!"

MadamDeathstare · 18/08/2011 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend · 18/08/2011 14:49

Cogito, the wake organisers ARE the mourners in chief... the gentleman was their DAD for goodness sakes!

And a funeral and wake may be for everyone to remember the deceased but that doesn't necessarily include a 9 week old who doesn't and sadly never will remember the gentleman.

Disclaimer - I'm not Irish so we don't do "wakes" as the Irish do so speak from a Londoner's perspective. I have an old-fashioned, deeply entrenched respect for the bereaved outlook to funerals (not that the two are mutually incompatible, before anyone jumps on me!).

Original poster

PrisonerZero · 18/08/2011 14:50

We all attended their grandmothers funeral a few months ago - I was still pregnant then. The service its self was very sombre but the wake was fun (well as much fun as you can have considering it was a wake)

No idea if there is a family history as i've only been around for 18 months.

I've sent flowers (funeral is tomorrow) and will respect their wishes and not just turn up. Hopefully it will all go smoothly as I have a feeling that to much drink and strong emotions may lead to words being had

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 18/08/2011 14:51

I agree with NoMoreWasabi. I think you should come up with a good excuse not to go anyway and defuse the situation, it would be the kindest thing you could do for the grieving children.

It's a few hours on one day for everyone to focus on their dad, nothing else, I don't think it's that odd really. Can you arrange a separate get-together on the day after perhaps for everyone to meet the baby?

BlueFergie · 18/08/2011 14:53

Yes I think your DP and his father are out of order kicking up about this. Won't the family over from Ireland be around for a little while either the day before or the day after the wake?
Can't you just to arrange to meet them somewhere another time to see DS if its that important.
DP ans d FIL should just leave the poor mans children in peace to grieve instead of making it all about how they feel. Its not the most important thing at the moment.

PicaK · 18/08/2011 14:54

I think grief drives people demented.

It's their dad - and yes, I do think that makes them the mourners inchief.
But yes I can see your fil is also grieving.

Be the noble one and stay away.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/08/2011 14:58

Questions will be asked as to the whereabouts of DS and I, and I am sure comments will be made when they find out we wern't allowed to come.

Your absence may or may not be remarked on if you do not attend the funeral or the wake, but you haven't been told not to come to either the church of the pub.

You are being asked to respect the wishes of the majority of the departed's children and not bring ds to either occasion. It would be disrespectful if you did not comply with this request, and it can only compound any bad feeling that currently exists if you make a song and dance about it.

Your DP and his parents are BU in regarding either the funeral or the wake as an opportunity for you to show off the newest addition to the family and introduce him to distant relatives. If you wish to make any such introduction, I would suggest you host your own event to do so.

I can't leave DS with a babysitter as I am breastfeeding and plus I don't want too (sic). I somehow doubt that ds is latched on 24/7 but, in any event, there's no reason why you can't express milk and leave him with a babysitter for the hour or two it will take to either attend the mass or pay your respects at the wake. However, I suspect that I don't want too (sic) is, and will be, the prevailing factor here.

Takitezee · 18/08/2011 15:04

I have a feeling that to much drink and strong emotions may lead to words being had

Perhaps if people feel they can't control themselves at a funeral where they are supposed to be paying their respects then they shouldn't drink.

I do agree that they are being unreasonable and wouldn't be my own choice (English as it seems to be so important) but it's what they have requested.

UsingMainlySpoons · 18/08/2011 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePosieParker · 18/08/2011 15:06

I would stand aside and let DP go without you or DS, it wouldn't make me happy but these people have just lost their father.

catus · 18/08/2011 15:06

I'm sorry, but I think your DH and his Dad (although it could be understandable because he is mourning his brother) are BU. They are pushing a minor issue: not wanting the baby there is hardly a crime. That feels a bit cruel to people who just lost their father. Your DH should try to get his father to back down.

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