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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How important is sex to you? - TMI, but really need some opinions :(

72 replies

InDangerOfExploding · 18/08/2011 10:15

Am regular but have name-changed as DP knows my usual name.

So, DP and I have been together a few years. We are pretty solid: going to start ttc in a 24-mo timeframe, he recently switched jobs and moved about 100 miles to be with me after I got relocated. We are saving for a mortgage together. We get on really well and have a lot of fun together.

But we don't have sex. He has ED, has had since before we got together - and he. won't. do. anything. about it. First time he brought it up we had been together about 6 mos, and he said, yeah, if I'm going to be in a longterm relationship I'll need to get that sorted. I didn't want to pressure, so I just said, in your own time.

Fastforward three years, and nothing has happened. We used to have sex about twice a month (though we'd fool around more), now it's more like once every 5 weeks, but even when we do it's not really satisfying because he can't get a full erection. I tried to be sympathetic for so long, but last year cracked one night in sheer frustration, started crying and said he needed to go see the GP. He felt really bad and said he would, but nothing happened; have brought it up once more since and said it was really important to me, and he said he would, but nothing. That was in April.

I love him, I understand it's not his fault, but FFS, sometimes I just want to SCREAM and shake him and say, we are only in our 30s, I don't want to go the rest of my life without sex, quite apart from ttc, and frankly I am finding myself thinking about other people.

AIBU? Am I shallow and selfish?? How on earth do I approach this without making him feel like a failure? Really at the end of my tether........

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 18/08/2011 20:18

IDOE: So his response to your understandable exasperation is to try to guilt trip you rather than make any effort to meet your needs? What a whinyarsed, selfish lamer.

DontGoCurly · 18/08/2011 20:28

I did snap the other night and ask if he just thought we were sexually incompatible and he got really sad and said maybe it wouldn't last.

He's playing the martyr OP. If he was really sad he'd bother to sort himself out. I think he's got no sex drive and is trying to guilt manipulate you into staying.

You'll end up resenting him. He's in the relationship under false pretences. It's emotional fraud. He doesn't want sex but he won't explicitly spell it out to you. But you can see it clearly in his inaction

There is no future in this OP. Please don't waste your time with him.

redwineformethanks · 18/08/2011 20:30

emsies - if it's any help I'm in similar position to you. Not much happening in the bedroom but otherwise we're very happy and so I look at the bigger picture. I sometimes doubt everyone else is swinging from the chandeliers anyway

GoingToHelenaHandcart · 18/08/2011 20:44

My OH and I had a very active sex life, several times a week, several times a night.
That has obviously calmed down as the years have gone by, but for the past four or five years ED has been a problem.
He also has a cardio problem. I am not sure, neither is he, whether the ED is caused by the cardio, all the medication, or the fear of heart failure, but the docs say viagra is definitely not suitable, given his heart condition.
I miss it, and we are much less connected as a couple now. I can just about handle it, but could never have handled it without the good years before.
Sorry.

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2011 23:16

For those of you living in a relationship without sex, what's the difference between living like that and living with your best friend?

It seems to me to be a very lonely existence (actually much more lonely than it would be living with your best friend, because your future is unknown then, whereas now it is.)

emsies · 19/08/2011 10:39

Hugely different to living with a best friend as we are married and have made a life-long commitment to each other and are dedicated to a shared life together. A best friend would just be temporary. We are our children's parents and love each other very much. I wouldn't give up on him if he had become unable to have sex due to disability or depression so won't just because he is almost asexual. It's jolly hard at times but all marriages have their issues.

Yes it is second best to a marriage without sex but everything else ticks the boxes in our case - its still better than a sexual relationship that isn't long lasting, or not fulfilling in other areas.

Original poster

InDangerofExploding · 19/08/2011 19:04

Sorry to bump this thread up, but DP is coming home in an hour and I am going to have The Talk with him about going to see the GP.

Anyone got any bright ideas as to how to sound supportive and not crazed with resentment and suppressed lust selfish?

Spent all day today at work feeling twitchy....

OP posts:

ninjasquirrel · 19/08/2011 19:15

Perhaps focus on the possibility (which is a real one) that his ED is caused by an underlying health problem, and so not going to the doctor is putting his own health at risk. I think the sexual health clinic is a good idea, not just because they are the specialists, but also because he doesn't have to see them again, so perhaps less embarrassing than going to the regular GP?

Good luck.

Original poster

InDangerofExploding · 19/08/2011 19:28

Thanks. He just got home and I fucked up big time. I have to go to the GP anyway so I said why didn't I just make an appointment whilst I was down there, and he sort of smirked and said he iddn't think it was a priority.

I lost it and slammed my hand into the wall and asked if anything was ever going to happen. He's sort of agreed to go in Sept some time but in a really begrudging way. I think I've just made things a lot worse....

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2011 19:38

God, I would have throttled him! It's not a priority for HIM but can't he see what it's doing to you?

You have NOT made things worse - he has. You have to stop blaming yourself. It may not be his fault that he has this problem (though if he lost weight the problem might go and surely he must know this) but it is his fault for not trying to deal with it.

bruxeur · 19/08/2011 19:39

Cut your losses. Now.

Original poster

InDangerofExploding · 19/08/2011 19:50

bruxeur, I can't, I care about him and don't want to throw all our good times and commitment down the drain. I don't know if he does see because I'm not sure I'm forthright enough - not sure where the line between forthright and screaming bitch is, though.

We seem to be currently Not Talking.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2011 19:51

Yes, I agree with bruxeur absolutely. You won't have a happy and fulfilled life with him and he is not doing anything about a problem which will not only lead you childless but incredibly frustrated.

Pack your bags, OP!

DontGoCurly · 19/08/2011 19:54

It's down the drain already OP. You have yourself a housemate there. He's voting with his feet. He's stringing you along. He's only committed to things as they are now.

He's not for changing.

Dred · 19/08/2011 19:56

I feel sad for you! It's not fair for you:( TBH I haven't got a high sex drive, but I do still like doing it.. I was happy to be completely celibate when I was single, but now i've got a fella..

bruxeur · 19/08/2011 19:58

You're not throwing anything anywhere, he is. How old do you want to be before you realise that?

Original poster

InDangerofExploding · 19/08/2011 20:08

But surely there is a more to a relationship than sex? Surely if this is the one thing that's wrong, we can work on fixing that?

I think he is scared/ uncomfortable about going and masking it under narkiness. I just don't know how to break through that. Rational talk doesn't do it, tears don't, losing my temper and hitting the wall () apparently doesn't.

Everything else is sorted, just this. It is a big 'just' though.

OP posts:

bruxeur · 19/08/2011 20:13

Of course there is! There's honesty, reliability and compromise.

How are those doing?

Original poster

InDangerofExploding · 19/08/2011 20:27

I don't think he's dishonest or unreliable. Just scared. Am going to try again later. Thanks for the suppport.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2011 20:32

Yes, there is more to a relationship than having sex. There's caring for each other, wanting each other to be fulfilled, respecting natural desires, doing whatever you can to make the other happy. You're doing all of this; he isn't.

Tonight, stress how much of a dealbreaker this is for you (his trying to deal with it, I mean.) See what he says.

GoingToHelenaHandcart · 20/08/2011 07:40

i think the big difference is that this is early on in your lifetime - I can put up with the ED because it happen more than 20 years on, but not from the start.

And to be honest, while the ED is sad, and bad to cope with, his smirky attitude and disregard for your unhappiness about it is what would make me walk. His is not very respectful of you.

Highlander · 20/08/2011 08:02

I think men often hide their fear/insecurity under aggression?

Saw a programme on TV about young dads on labour wards. The midwife said they couldn't articulate their fear, so they shouted and were very aggressive instead.

OP, you do know the 'September' GP visit isn't going to happen? Drag him along, get him investigated, NOW!

If he then decides that his ED isn't a problem, then I think you've done all you can.

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