How important is sex to you? - TMI, but really need some opinions :(

[InDangerOfExploding]

Am regular but have name-changed as DP knows my usual name.

So, DP and I have been together a few years. We are pretty solid: going to start ttc in a 24-mo timeframe, he recently switched jobs and moved about 100 miles to be with me after I got relocated. We are saving for a mortgage together. We get on really well and have a lot of fun together.

But we don't have sex. He has ED, has had since before we got together - and he. won't. do. anything. about it. First time he brought it up we had been together about 6 mos, and he said, yeah, if I'm going to be in a longterm relationship I'll need to get that sorted. I didn't want to pressure, so I just said, in your own time.

Fastforward three years, and nothing has happened. We used to have sex about twice a month (though we'd fool around more), now it's more like once every 5 weeks, but even when we do it's not really satisfying because he can't get a full erection. I tried to be sympathetic for so long, but last year cracked one night in sheer frustration, started crying and said he needed to go see the GP. He felt really bad and said he would, but nothing happened; have brought it up once more since and said it was really important to me, and he said he would, but nothing. That was in April.

I love him, I understand it's not his fault, but FFS, sometimes I just want to SCREAM and shake him and say, we are only in our 30s, I don't want to go the rest of my life without sex, quite apart from ttc, and frankly I am finding myself thinking about other people.

AIBU? Am I shallow and selfish?? How on earth do I approach this without making him feel like a failure? Really at the end of my tether........

I think you should try and talk to him again - seriously - and see if you can get to why he wont or is scared of seeking help. I find it hard to believe that in someone so young "nothing can be done". If the cause is medical then this has to be investigated. But it can also be psychological and this to is important. What could have started as a minor ED problem could have escalated and now he is to anxious, it can be a viscious circle.

To me, not very. To DH, very. So for our relationship sex is essential.

Just curious to know what you would do if he went to see a GP, consultant, had an op, took viagra, had therapy or whatever he was advised to do, and the problem remained. Would everyone advising OP to leave the relationship 'because he is selfish and doesn't care about her needs' still be saying the same thing?

I think that would be harsh Ormirian, and not really the same situation as when he's refusing to seek help. It would be entirely up to OP what she wanted to do if that happened, but I would think it would be still possible to have an intimate relationship and to get pregnant (if not quite in the traditional way!). So certainly wouldn't advise her to leave, and don't think it would be necessary or the only logical step. I can imagine it causing some tension and difficulty in a relationship though.

Thanks all. Yes, we are 32 and 33 respectively. I feel like we are too old to fanny about with this if we want to ttc and too young to have this problem in the first place, iyswim. I am also worried about CV disease, to whichever PP said that.

I have offered to make appts and go with him at least three times now. I have always approached this outside the bedroom and tried to be gentle. I don't want to threaten him but the urge is always there when I am turned on and nothing is happening to just say 'Sort it or it's over', just to make him ACT. Argh.

Okay, we have to move house soon but after that I am going to make an appt for him. Dilys I know what you mean, but what I am worried about is, he will go to the GP who will fob him off with drugs, and he won't ask specifically for a referral, and then forever after he will say, but I DID go to the GP and they can't do anything.

I guess I don't trust him to be assertive enough.

Orm it would be different if he'd tried. I have a pretty healthy sex drive and right now when I am lying there at night frustrated I just keep thinking, but you haven't even ASKED anyone.

He is also overweight (somewhat not massively) and I also keep being scared that when he's 40 he will suddenly turn out to have a heart condition or something. It really isn't just about me but about his health too.

I don't know why he won't ask for a referral - I am not English and we have private medicine where I am from, so pushing to see a specialist is totally normal IME. But he seems to feel like, well it's not life threatening, a doctor told me they couldn't help, it doesn't pay to be pushy.....

If you're moving house son, then more than likely you'll be moving GP surgery's yes? That will involve a "new patient" appointment and check up. When booking these ask for extended appointments as there are some issues to discuss, go in together and bring it up then as part of the whole ttc discussion and wanting to be in the best health possible etc. Then he's not being targeted, it'll feel less ominous to him as the appt is not strictly just about that.

It does need sorting out, but you can understand his fears about it all. I disagree with the posters saying to leave him, other than this aspect (albeit very important) you seem happy and in love with him. It's worth the effort if he's taking your feelings and concerns seriously. It does need addressing, but gently. Help him to be assertive enough to get to the bottom of it all.

moving house soon! Not son! FGS.

I have a friend who was in a long term happy relationship with a DP, plans to marry and buy house etc, except he had the same issue as your DP.

It turns out he was gay, and couldn't admit it for years and desperately didn't want to be. Is this any sort of possible for your DP?

fanjo I don't think so. He is definitely interested in women in general, and has been interested in me. I think it's just the physical response. He has a lower drive, and when he's horny, is happy with mutual masturbation. I'm not.

Squishy no we are moving half a mile away and in the same postcode so think it's the same surgery.

I'm glad to hear that :)

You aren't being unreasonable at all, sex is a huge part of a relationship and if you are to have a future he needs to try at least to get sorted. Good luck :)

How would he deal with you just booking an extended appt then, telling him you've done it as you're at the end of your tether about it all, and desperately need him to come with you?

Squishy I am going to try that and see what happens. tbh I am almost afraid that if we don't get some instant result, like a referral, then he will just dig his heels in and say, but we tried and it didn't work, so that's it.

Does he have spontaneous reflex erections? - that's the one concrete way of knowing if his problems are medical or psychological.

If he gets an erection on going to sleep and on waking ( plus one or two in the night) then there is nothing physically wrong with him .

Normal reflex erections = a healthy heart and circulatory system.

How exactly does he think you will get pregnant by the way, pixie dust?

There is so much help available for men with erectile difficulties, there is no reason for him not to try a few possible solutions - if he can't use Viagra, he could use a penis pump and support ring - he can't be that bothered, if he had a healthy sex dive he would want it sorted, it's as simple as that.

I didn't know that Malificence, thanks. Erm I don't know if he gets erections in the night cos I'm normally asleep then too and presumably I'd have to roll him over and look (am just imagining explaining that one ). But he does wake up with an erection sometimes, just not a full one. The most he ever gets is semi-hard.

When ttc he said we could just use Viagra () but I am planning on just going straight for assisted con to avoid the inevitable nagging, heartache, impatience, etc :(

I think he just has quite a low sex dive and so this isn't a priority.

You can do a fairly simple test to see if he's getting erections during the night. I can't remember the details but I think it involves putting a paper ring round the penis when you go to bed and then seeing if it's torn or broken in the morning. Know it sounds odd but promise I'm not making this up!

If he does get erections but not full ones, that does sound like a physical cause I'd have thought. . How overweight is he? Does he smoke or drink heavily?

He may have a low sex drive as well as a physical problem... Or it may be that the embarrassment is causing his low sex drive iyswim.

indangerofexploding, you must get your DH to a sexual health clinic. You can ring in advance, explain your problem and explain that you need to see one of the sexual health doctors (the nurses are v good, but you'll probably have to come back to see a doctor and your DH sounds likely not to return?)

The sexual health clinic is staffed by doctors who specialise in sex. People commonly attend for contraception, disease, ED etc etc. Loads of blokes attend.

Being overweight and waking with only a semi is ringing alarm bells for me. I would go as well and see the doctor as well - your observations are v v impt.

Just think, go now and they could have you shagging like bunnies by the autumn.......

SH Clinics are walk-in, no need to be referred by a GP.

The problem is not just the ED, it's the failure to do anything about it. This indicates that sex is just not that important to him.

Yes going to sort it out would be slightly embarassing perhaps BUT not half as embarassing as being unable to satsfy his wife and indeed himself. It's also pig selfish.

He is enforcing a life of celibacy on you whether you like it or not.

If he hasn't got the self pride and motivation to go and get himself sorted out then I think you are wasting your time trying to push him to do it. You should be important enough to him that he would move himself and take action about this. He should have done so long ago.

OP, I wouldn't waste any more time with this guy. You are going to end up unsatisfied and that won't end well. Cut your losses and get out now while you still have a few fertile years left.

If he really wanted to hang onto you he would have sorted himself out long ago. He has voted with his feet. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. He doesn't care.

Highlander when you say it is ringing alarms bells do you mean because of heart disease or similar? Can I ask if you have any experience in this area? Am worried for him now :(

DH is a cardiologist and he gets a fair few referrals from on the ball GPs who send in patients with ED.

Ignore the posters who are being mean. Your DH is probably terrified, embarrassed etc about this ED. He needs your support, but you're probably going to have to force the issue. Make that appt. If you feel he won't go, then don't tell him. Pitch up at the door and drag him in.

it applies both ways. Men and women are usually entitled to sex in long term relat ionships (not after a baby is born etc and other crises but generally). Did you say you were trying to conceiive. If so it woudl be best to have sex every day or every other day - ie something like 20 time a month would be good.

So make him appointment with a sex therapist - go together perhaps. Could you afford a private expert . He might need testosterone injunctions and stuff like that. Does he masturbate and how many times a week?

You see, I would advise a man to dump a woman who refused to have sex, discuss the issue or do anything about it. However, nearly every single thread I have seen and posted on where a woman says her partner wants a lot more sex than she does, questioning the OP provides the information that the OP has told the partner what she wants and needs to make her more receptive to sex, and the partner is ignoring this in favour of whining, sulking, pestering and making threats. (It's invariably either a matter of the man either doing fuck all round the house and expecting sex even though the woman is exhausted, or the man being rubbish at sex or having a particularly offputting approach to it that the woman has asked him to modify, but he refuses to do so). Whereas women who post that their DPs won't have sex usually relate a story of years of patience, tact, understanding, listening and the man refusing to engage.
Now obviously there are going to be cases of unreasonably demanding women scaring their partners, and men who are kind, patient, tactful, fair about the domestic work and yet miserable in relationships with women who will not have sex with them and won't agree that there is any kind of issue to discuss.
Mismatches in sexual desire are a hugely common problem in relationships, but it's never as simple as 'men are always in the wrong/women are always in the right' and nor is it just a matter of the low-libido partner being the one who should have to change or the high-libido partner being obliged to put up and shut up and 'have some self-control'.
So, everyone, when posting on threads about libido mismatch, engage your brains and look at what the specific situation is.

Thanks SGB. :) I have tried to be patient but I am not an angel, equally, so I may have once or twice got rather exasperated. I did snap the other night and ask if he just thought we were sexually incompatible and he got really sad and said maybe it wouldn't last.

I think dontgocurly is right.

OP, your husband doesn't seem to have any interest in changing. He has no interest in going to the doctor. He doesn't seem to be looking up solutions online, otherwise he'd know Viagra wasn't the only solution.

He knows it's very important to you. He should know how important it is to most women. Yet, he's doing nothing about it. That, to me, smacks of doing what you want, rather than trying to solve a problem which is wrecking his marriage.

We're in a similar(ish)position to you. I'm 32, hubby a bit older. We met when I was 27 and I really do get on with him, we are great friends. However he just doesn't seem very sexual AT ALL. Apparently he wasn't very much as a teen either.

Looking back - I'd recently been divorced and convinced I was going to end up along and probably ended up going into the first relationship where someone liked me! I might not have done that in retrospect.

We do have a daughter (almost miraculously given our lack of activitiy!) and conceived again on the ONE NIGHT we had (rather quick and boring) sex. So from the outside noone would know we very rarely have sex and if we do its very boring. He has no interest/real understanding of turning me on, breasts, etc.

Sometimes I find it very hard the whole lack of sex thing BUT on the other hand I do remind myself that I have a lot of single friends who desperately want a family - I have a wonderful man who obviously loves me (in a familial way) and is a brilliant father. He helps around the house, takes my daughter out .We enjoy spending time together, building a home together, hope to travel together. I have so very much. I do wish we were a sexual couple but I think that can go in relationships for so many (perhaps more legitimate) reasons and I am so much better off with him than if I was single. If we had split up I might have found a great sexual partner but a crap husband/father or someone who didn't want kids or still been single.

I know to anyone in a good sexual relationship with kids this all sounds odd, but when the choice is that or nothing, and in general the deal is pretty good its not OBVIOUSLY the right thing to leave....