So do I just have to accept that being married means I have to do fuckin everything?

[Mrsgilbertgrape]

sorry about the language but I am so angry.

Why is it that nothing, not even the simplest of instructions manage to get into his thick head.

I should have known that sending him to the shops would be a disaster, I should have known that don't use the red bank card use the blue one (said three times) would mean that he goes uses the fuckin red one!!

Now we are overdrawn and leaving to go visit family tonight and I have noway to get funds into the overdrawn account.

That's us landed with £90 bank charges, have tried calling the bank to extend overdraft etc but nope can't be done.

Please tell me I am being unreasonable so I stop wanting to stick the red bank card up his arse!

^^ that was to Bertie btw

This thread has moved on so much from my op that it's really not about it anymore.

My dh does treat me with respect, never complains about being the wage earner and is a fantastic dad who does more than 50% of the household chores.

He is also really forgetful and his brain does not seem to absorb any information nor can he process 2 thoughts at once, it drives me insane and has just cost us a good chunk of money but he is still a decent bloke.

Actually, Bertie, that would make me far less likely to date them. Also why I dated DH for 10yrs before we got married just to be sure.

Sorry gilbert, it has descended into theory. I hope you don't feel we're dissecting your relationship personally.

Gaagh, Georgiemama, I didn't mean to imply that it was that simplistic. It's just I've changed my whole relationship template and general expectations of men since coming on MN, and though I'm quite shocked at what I expected before and why I never questioned it, I can see why others do put up with it and I hate the assumption by some that it's because they are stupid, or weak, or whatever other thing. If you don't know that a choice is an actual, realistic option, how can you make that choice?

Argh everyone is missing my point. Never mind.

No not at all Bertie, when I started the thread he was the biggest twit in the world but after raging for a bit I have calmed down.

I often read the relationship section with a open mouth and think to myself thank god I found dh but I am only reading one side of the story which may not be accurate.

But bertie, I'm not really sure what point you're making?

You're right, I don't understand why women come on here complaining about their partners. Imean, obviously theyre unhappy with the situation and know it's not right otherwise they wouldn't be complaining about it.

I don't think they're stupid but I do often wonder if theyre young as I cannot possibly imagine getting to my mid 30s and still not realising what makes for a good, long lasting, equal partnership. And of course, I wouldn't have dreamed of marrying before then because I wanted to be absolutely sure.

My dh does treat me with respect, never complains about being the wage earner and is a fantastic dad who does more than 50% of the household chores.

Genuine question OP - if he does more than 50% of the household chores, why do you feel you do everything? Not being funny, but he sounds like a pretty solid bloke and rather like my DH.

I think young is often a fair assumption, or married young, perhaps. But you say of course you wouldn't have dreamed of marrying before your thirties as though that's a given, that everyone would have that principle, but I don't see it.

I think I'm just slightly envious of those who did have good principles and didn't have to get messed around in order to learn that some men actually are decent and won't mess you around. I'm quite sad I had to go through that stage. So I suppose I'm projecting a little bit sorry. I just want to take everyone who I see who is still in that stage and show them the light, as early as possible!

That's fair enough, I wasn't having a dig. But I certainly didn't learn anything about relationships from my parents. I had typical teenage relationships then went to uni, matured a lot, had a few one night stands, met lots of different people and made up my own mind. Nobody taught me how to do it but it always seemed natural to me to wait, avoid pregnancy at all costs and make sure I only settled for a man who believed in mutal respect.

Well, I think you might be reading things into my post which weren't there. I didn't actually mention parents at all in my 21.45 post. Relationship templates can be formed and gathered from loads of different sources, as I understand it. But I think we do all have one, even if we are unaware of it. :)

Fair enough! I need to stay off these threads. Ive just read and posted on another thread about the Dp and stepsons. I read it and thought, 'this cannot be real. People don't really have babies with men who are not totally supportive, do they?' I am clearly living in a little bubble so need to stay off relationship threads.

Voddie wait a goddam minute. Me and my husband are completely equal, there is no where in my post that claims we are not, nor that he is a child, I am just stating that as a person he often goes around with his head up his arse not listening. I am by new means a fool I just know in a similar situation he may have done the same thing, how does that make him less equal than me, had the op just went oh no he's blown £90 but oh well it's expected then I would see a problem, she has not, she is angry which to me means she expected better of him. I in know way would say oh you've blown £90 well that's ok your a man I would expect him to take responsibility. Obviously equality means that both parties are flawless where no one makes a balls up and no one gets angry at the other equal party who made the balls up.

I also think people need to be aware when someone is genuinely unhappy and complain on here to someone letting off steam over a balls up by their partner.

Men seem to regress to being children when they get married, I love my DH but I swear sometimes I have an extra child - he tries to help but he just does things, well . . . wrong!

I understand him a lot more since I read this book, we get on loads better now:
www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Listen-Women-Cant-Read/dp/0752846191

YANBU - I have never understood the way many on MN actually blame the wife (or husband) for their spouses inconsiderate, infantile and pathetic misdemeanours. Why should you have to explain everything and patiently wait for them to cock everything up time and time again just so that you cannot be accused of enabling??

Some spouses just seem to take the easy way out and don't bother to pull their weight.

I am quite moody today though as my husband put in for a posting against my wishes and now I will probably be lumbered with most of the moving crap....

Going back to the overcoat, Fastpay means most transfers between banks are almost immediate, so surely you could have transferred from blue account to red account?

:o overcoat. overdraft

You know, I can't remember anything, and especially anything anyone says to me. I have no memory for phone calls - just useless. When my DP wants me to do something he either has to repeat it endlessly like I'm four years old, or write it down (sometimes both). I do sometimes leave the house with little notes saying things like "buy milk with the £2 in your pocket". It's not deliberate and I have tried to be different, but it's rare that I can remember what I came in the room for, never mind what I was doing 5 minutes ago. (I can remember things like milk prices in all local shops from 2001 (85p) onwards, infuriatingly).

I'm not in any way suggesting this is the case for your DH and completely trust you to know best about his behaviour/motivations/etc, just putting it out there that there exist people who are not shirkers but who don't remember things.

Another classic sexist thread on MN. :-)

''Men are thick as shit sometimes'' etc.

Women can be just as thick, trust me. I'm sure that a lot of the women complaining about their husbands here don't mind him going out to work and being sole providers?

What a strange comment robotlollipopman.Where have 'most' posters declared their DH/DP to be the sole earner? I must have missed that part of their posts. Or possibly you are the one making sexist statements.

Just to warn you, that book is basically a clone of "Men are from Mars".

Well my dh earns 10x more than me so it's not sexist that I gave up work to watch baby dd it's common sense.

For the poster who asked why I feel like I do everything when he does a lot of the chores- I meant that I have to do all the thinking/arranging. More the "paper work" side to marriage. All the post, money, insurances, utilities, car services etc gets left to me. Sorry I never made that clear.

Part of the problem and something I prob should have mentioned before is he spends months away from home at a time so I am used to taking charge but it's the fact that when I do ask him to do something simple he messes up when I know he is capable, if he would just bloody listen.

DH is very forgetful. He (for example) forgets the names of his colleagues that he has worked with for years, is that person that has put petrol in the diesel car twice and regularly forgets something to do things that he said he would do 5 minutes ago.

So I sympathise because it is very very very frustrating.

He's been to see his GP and also for counselling (because when you have a forgetful DH you are torn between

• constantly reminding him which drives you mad and makes you appear as overcontrolling if he actually has remembered the thing you were reminding him about
• not reminding him and trying not to expect things to go wrong.

Their diagnosis that the forgetfulness is brought on by stress which is exacerbated by him worrying about getting it wrong.

I sympathise about the forgetfulness and the having to do everything because that's how I feel on a fairly regular basis. However things that "help" for us
... DH has to sort out his own messes.
... I (try to) accept that DH is not forgetting because he is rubbish - and on the flip side DH acknowledges that he has forgotten and how annoying this is for me (rather than making the sort of "you shouldn't let me do this" sort of remark your DH did)
... we develop strategies to help him remember (so DH would have voluntarily given me the card he was not to use ... or written himself a note)
... we clearly define what is DH's job and what is mine

YANBU. My dp took our bank card out recently and came storming through the door 1/2 an hour later because he had 'fogotten the pin numner' and because I was on the phone to my mum it was all my fault he had to come back.

I mean, he uses the bank card at least 5 times a week - how on earth does he forget and why am I always the one to remember.

Another gripe is that he thinks that my fanjo is some sort of locating device

'wheres my trainers, have you seen my keys, where is my phone' ARRRRRRGHHHHH

Sorry to jump on your thread op but I feel your pain