Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So do I just have to accept that being married means I have to do fuckin everything?

100 replies

Mrsgilbertgrape · 17/08/2011 17:24

sorry about the language but I am so angry.

Why is it that nothing, not even the simplest of instructions manage to get into his thick head.

I should have known that sending him to the shops would be a disaster, I should have known that don't use the red bank card use the blue one (said three times) would mean that he goes uses the fuckin red one!!

Now we are overdrawn and leaving to go visit family tonight and I have noway to get funds into the overdrawn account.

That's us landed with £90 bank charges, have tried calling the bank to extend overdraft etc but nope can't be done.

Please tell me I am being unreasonable so I stop wanting to stick the red bank card up his arse!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 17/08/2011 18:16

There is something seriously wrong with someone who doesn't know his own postcode.

Next time he shouts for you, tell him you've already told him 49,358 times and to go look it up himself. It's a start.

Bandwithering · 17/08/2011 18:16

I agree with Barbie. He has 'trained' you not to expect him to do any shopping ever again.

Georgimama · 17/08/2011 18:17

In that case stop enabling his crappy behaviour and let him deal with the outcome of his fuck ups. Believe me, he won't fill a petrol car with diesel more than once (actually I don't think you can, I'm pretty sure the pump won't fit in the cap). Let him sort out the bank charges (you are mad to have a joint account with someone this crap at financial organisation btw).

As for not knowing his postcode - bollocks he doesn't.

SunRaysthruClouds · 17/08/2011 18:17

This sounds ridiculous.

You are enabling him and I think you enjoy being needed.

Unless he is a cretin of supreme proportions he should be taking some responsibility and you should let him.

Original poster
Mrsgilbertgrape · 17/08/2011 18:20

He enjoys doing the shopping and is better at it than me.

Usually there is always money in his usual card this was a one off that he had to use another one.

It's just any kind of advice or instructions that he has a mental block down with.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 17/08/2011 18:21

How on earth can you be attracted to someone who you have to treat like a child?? I never understand these threads.

Georgimama · 17/08/2011 18:22

So don't give him instructions. Treat him like an adult and let him get on with it.

(also, how can someone be "better" at shopping? Is it an Olympic sport?)

Tortington · 17/08/2011 18:22

why have a dog and bark yourself?

you are the dog btw

Georgimama · 17/08/2011 18:22

Yes I have to say I struggle to imagine feeling sexual desire for someone I had to mother in this way.

create · 17/08/2011 18:24

How dreadful must it be though for a man to find that his wife won't trust him to fill the car up correctly? He just needs to do it. And if he gets it wrong, he sorts that out too. Imagine if a woman posted that her DH doesn't trust her to put petrol in the car Shock

minipie · 17/08/2011 18:25

If he is incompetent then why did you marry him.

If he is competent then stop reminding him to do stuff. He might mess up a few times, but then he will remember the next time.

If you remember for him all the time, he will think of it as "your job" to remember and will not bother. That is what is really going on here.

mumblesale · 17/08/2011 18:32

Shit, sorry, I have't done it yet.
I meant to do it, I'll do it now (except I won't)
I've done it! (I haven't really but saying I have will spur me on to do it)
We've had a row now so I won't do it.
I haven't done x but you haven't done y.
God you're so suburban why do you panic about such trifles

I feel your pain.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 17/08/2011 18:33

I'm really surprised by the replies here.

Why are people having a go at the OP for 'nagging' or 'mothering' him? If this is what he does, I can understand why! Do you think she can afford to go overdrawn while her child of a husband learns to take responsibility? No, probably not. Maybe that's why she's feeling she has to do everything?!

OP, I don't think you're faultless here, and obviously the situation you're in isn't working. You need to sit him down and tell him that, though, and make him understand. If he genuinely does have some undiagnosed problem, you and he need to work that out. But right now, nothing can get better until he realizes he is screwing things up. You mustn't keep fixing things and fuming about it - it'll only get worse.

How have you dealt with stuff like this before? Does he ever have to sort out his own mess, or have you always done it?

mumblesale · 17/08/2011 18:41

Don't forget not everyone chose their man because he is practical and 'can-do'. There is more to life, eh, you jaded lot.

bakeyouhappy · 17/08/2011 18:51

The problem is how you seem...

I'm frustrated that my husband messed up our account, he acts like he doesn't care. (This will get you sympathy, and some practical advice)

My husband messes up everything, he can't shop, can't get petrol, can't fix mistakes, I have to do everything! (This makes you sound controlling and demeaning, and honestly not very pleasant)

I'm sure you are frustrated, but you SEEM very hard to please, over controlling and nagging.

bakeyouhappy · 17/08/2011 18:51

The problem is how you seem...

I'm frustrated that my husband messed up our account, he acts like he doesn't care. (This will get you sympathy, and some practical advice)

My husband messes up everything, he can't shop, can't get petrol, can't fix mistakes, I have to do everything! (This makes you sound controlling and demeaning, and honestly not very pleasant)

I'm sure you are frustrated, but you SEEM very hard to please, over controlling and nagging.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2011 18:53

I agree that the OP is getting an underserved roasting here.

he failed to listen to what she was telling him
he has left them nearly £100 down because of that
he just shrugs and expects her to sort it out

And what does she get told? That its all her own fault!

I would be prepared to bet that he wasnt always this bad, that he gradually delegated more and more tasks to her in a "you're so much better at it than me" way. Then one day she woke up and realised that she was doing everything. I know alot people (not just men) like this, they take advantage of the good natured helpfullness that comes at the start of a relationship. Where we like to be needed and are happy to help our OHs especially when they flatter us into believing that we are so much better at XYZ than they are. Then 10 years later they are sitting on their arse with the other person doing everything for them and wondering how the hell it happened.

OP I think you need to ask him how he proposes to deal with the OD situation as he is the one that caused it, and dont let him place the job in your lap. Refuse to do it, just say "I am not sorting this out, it is your fuck up, so you sort it" and keep doing it. The more you pick up after him, the more he will drop on the floor.

lovecat · 17/08/2011 18:55

I feel your pain, OP, YANBU. Can't believe some of the responses on here!

Why is it acceptable for a man to behave worse than a recalcitrant toddler and then be excused, especially with such mad excuses? Colourblind? Reacting to 'nagging'? I do agree that he is probably used to you picking up after him/making his life run smoother because he 'can't' do stuff, but that doesn't give him reason to put you in debt and incur bank charges which affect the whole family. Knobber.

I have no advice, because I have a similar problem, to a lesser degree. DH knows his postcode and can manage finances fine, but cook a meal? Remember a birthday? Replace the loo roll? Gaaah.....

gaaagh · 17/08/2011 18:57

You've not got a husband, you've got a child.

Whether things have always been this way, developed this way, and whether that's his fault, your fault or a mix of the two - only you will know.

I do know that you can control your own behaviour, though.

You need to stop enabling him.

I would find it immensely stressful to have to check, double check, sort out the repurcussions of mistakes, for another person as well as my own in life. If you do, you need to work out a way to resolve this; if you say you do but secretly get a kick out of the control, carry on.

The "getting a kick out of having control" isn't such a far-fetched idea, btw. An aunt of mine (non-blood relative) did something similar with my Uncle; he worked fulltime and she stayed at home. When I went over there after school some days I often saw how, although she complained because he was "hopeless", she actually would have been lost without, basically, being needed. Almost like if he was able to remember the PIN for his own bank card, or know where the spare napkins were stored, she might be surrendering the one thing she could control and gain superiority from - the home.

Do you have a similar power dynamic in your house?

Signet2012 · 17/08/2011 18:59

men are thick as shit sometimes. Mine is the most intelligent person I know can do all kinds of fancy stuff on a computer for his job and knows loads about everything, the most random things!
BUT:
Me -Can you bring me the white washing basket and phone charger when you come down stairs please.......
Him - yes darling no problem........

appears ten minutes later with a dressing gown, a roll of sellotape and an empty toilet roll. Hmm

WTF is that about?

rainbowinthesky · 17/08/2011 19:09

Lovecat, you say her dh has no excuse for being unable to do those things and then say your dh cannot cook a meal. I assume you do all the cooking.

create · 17/08/2011 19:13

lovecat, Op doesn't say DH "can't" fill the car, she says she can't trust him to get it right, which IMO is telling

LRDTheFeministDragon · 17/08/2011 19:24

I think all this stuff about possible (and far-fetched! - come on, does red/blue colour blindness even exist?) undiagnosed disabilities or things he 'can't do is a red herring. So is asking if another poster's non-cooking DH causes her to do it all.

Loads of posters have partners with disabilities, or themselves have disabilities; loads of couples have different skills from each other. That's fine. That's normal. What is not normal is for one partner to get to this sort of 'end-of-my-tether' situation because of the way the other is acting.

FWIW, I'm sufficiently dyslexic I can't remember my postcode or my car numbreplate. It is not an issue that looms large in my married life. This is because I am not a lazy dick, and nor is my DH. We share jobs that need to be done.

I don't think we can excuse the OP's husband on these far-fetched grounds. There's obviously a problem.

Original poster
Mrsgilbertgrape · 17/08/2011 19:27

Have read everything and will answer as best as I can.

I'm not really bothered about getting a roasting etc, I know a lot of this is my doing but I don't have the time, patience or money to let him just get on with his own thing most of the time.

I'm not saying I dont "let" him put petrol in the car I'm just saying it worries me at times.

Another classic example of his behaviour is he phoned my mum once on the quiet before we went to stay with her for a few days to say he wanted to take me to the theatre as a surprise (I was very grateful and it was lovely of him) she told him anynight apart from the Friday would be fine, even text him the date so he did not forget as we had noone else for dc, dh booked to go the one night she said she could not babysit!

It drives me crazy but it's only a small infuriating part of our marriage, in every other way he is a fantastic dad and husband, I think part of the problem is I married him at 18 and over the years I have grown up and started to mother him as well.

He is the wage earner while I am a sahm so don't mind doing most things while I am here but seem to have taken it to far!

The sexual desire is not a problem btw that's one thing he does not mess up ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsgilbertgrape · 17/08/2011 19:31

Gaaagh, your post was very interesting! Perhaps there is a bit of this that goes on.

OP posts: