Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Want to ban my Mil from even being near my dd

69 replies

2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 16:31

ok I post here from time to time, but I name changed for this one. DH'S situation very complicated and I want to ask your opinion.(I think it will take few threats)
My MIL have a mental issues. Please do not ask me what is the medical term because I do not know and my DH dont want to talk about it. She was sanctioned under the mental health act few years back and again few days ago. She has 6DC'S and 5 of them are over 18.
They were with her until 15 and then she decided they grown up enough and she kicked them out the house (including my DH) not worrying they ended up in shelter until they were 18.
She said she always wanted gran kids and she wants to look after my Dc over weekend or even for a week. (wse are 200 miles away) My DC is few months old and there is no way I would let her have my child. My DH is very upset because he think that our child would help her to over come her ilness. (She does not take the medications)

AIBU not to let her look after my child now or ever because of her issues and that I cant get over that she wasnt looking after her own kids and now wants to play nan to my child?

OP posts:

cazza40 · 17/08/2011 18:34

Yanbu at all but supervised visits should be ok surely ? My mil has had mental health issues for years. When my dds were small they of course did not notice but as they get older they can see she is a bit 'different' My older dd is scared of her. My Dh did think initially that her spending time with them would help her in some way but sadly she is so unwell now I can't see much benefit. Remember to be supportive of your dh. I was and am of mine but sometimes struggle with it and her when I think of the childhood he had with her

Signet2012 · 17/08/2011 19:07

YANBU - OP, I didnt see that you said you where banning her from seeing your DC, just that you would not leave them in her care.

I have being bought up around MH issues (nana had bipolar and other issues) Although my nana was capable of looking after us when she was on a "normal level" when she was "high" or "low" it could be a very different story and as such we where kept away whilst young as it would have been very distressing to us, and not very dignified for my nana for us to see her in such a way. As we where older and able to understand more we where allowed to be around her more when she was unwell providing she was not being too extreme.

My nana was heavily medicated most of her life and therefore quite stable. Without medication i would not like to comment,

Your DH may mean well but a child is not therapy. MH issues can be complicated and frightening for a child who does not understand and in my view your child is your priority concern not your MIL. That said, there is no need for MIL to not be a part of your DC's life as im sure her MH issues are only a small part of her identity.

HTH

whackamole · 17/08/2011 20:25

Pictish - really?

YANBU. At all. If you don't believe your child to be safe in a certain person's company - irregardless of mental issues - then don't. This is your child!

BTW, we had a similar situation with my aunt a few years ago - she was a heavy drinker, but had also had a couple of small strokes and (unknown at the time) had the beginnings of senile dementia. I know it was awful for my cousin when she had to stop her own mother from looking after her son, but she crashed the car while driving him home from school, drunk.

tralalala · 17/08/2011 20:46

I've been sectioned a couple of times and if I were ill there is no way I could be responsible for a child.

As my episodes are totally undercontrol and have been for years I am perfectly OK looking after my/anyone elses kids.

If she is not well no way. but you couldvisit and help her have a relationship with her grandchild.

QuintessentialShadow · 17/08/2011 20:50

Yanbu.

She cant use your child in lieu of taking her medications. She is gambling with your childs wellfare. She needs to earn the trust, and when your child is old enough to go for sleep overs at grandma, you can consider the situation again.

MoominsAreScary · 17/08/2011 20:58

If she was on meds and had been well for some rime it would be a different matter . As it is she isn't taking meds, has been recently sectioned and you don't even know what her diagnosis is.

Yanbu, your dh is, a child is not a therapeutic intervention that can be used to help your mil become well

FabbyChic · 17/08/2011 20:58

She cannot be left alone with your child, seeing her is one thing in your presence seeing her alone is a no go entirely.

pigletmania · 17/08/2011 20:59

YABU in banning from ever seeing her gc that is not on, supervised visits are the way to go

Pandemoniaa · 17/08/2011 21:03

YANBU in being very concerned about what is, at best, an ill-thought out spot of amateur psychiatry and at worst, could put your dd at direct risk.

I'm really sorry that your MIL has mental health issues and certainly, this alone is no reason to deny her the chance to see her dgd. However, there is no law that gives a grandparent the right to demand unsupervised access regardless of the safety or welfare of their grandchildren. It isn't helpful of your DH to take this approach and I doubt it will do much good for your MIL's mental health either.

It might be useful for you and your dh to get some impartial, expert advice on the matter because clearly, he is carrying all sorts of emotional baggage from his childhood and this seems to be making it difficult for him to understand your fears. Also, if you can gain a greater understanding of your MIL's mental health issues, this will help you make a fair and informed decision about the best way for your dd to spend safe time with her grandmother.

Chummybud1 · 17/08/2011 21:08

I would not let her have my child alone but would take the child to see her. She is Ill and it may help her a lot. Speak to her doctor, read up on her condition and make a decision then.

skybluepearl · 17/08/2011 21:16

would allow them to be meet for short periods supervised when MIL is in a good mental state. would not allow any access when MIL is rock bottom

buterflies · 17/08/2011 21:20

I think she needs to be able to see her grandchild but supervised.

You need to know more about the type of illness she has and how it affects her. Only then can u make a informed decision.

Greatdomestic · 17/08/2011 21:27

Agree with Pandamonia - some impartial advice on how MIL could see your DD. Your DH's judgement is off due to his upbringing. He's right in that, unless you have been through what he has, you won't understand. However, the impartial advice may help him see that.

And I think he might get something out of counselling.

No way AUBU. Your child's safety and wefare is your primary concern. Don't be swayed by threats/emotional blackmail.

hairfullofsnakes · 17/08/2011 21:35

Of course yanbu. Do not leave your child alone with this woman - ever. What on earth is wrong with your husband even suggesting such a stupid idea?

Inertia · 17/08/2011 21:35

Your big issue here is your DH. He cannot / will not look at this from the point of view of his child's welfare - and he threatened to take his own wife to court to force you to allow MIL to have your baby overnight! As others have said -baby visiting MIL in your presence is manageable; leaving MIL in sole care in her present circumstances could present a big risk to your child. But I am really worried that your DH cannot see the potential danger here, and that he is threatening you rather than working with you.

Original poster

2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 21:40

Thank you all for your answers. Because shes so little now I dont mind taking her to see my MIL even if anything happens and I am there we can just leave her place. Wonder what to do when shes 4-5 and she will see her grandma in the bad state. She just called to say that she wants to see my DD. When asked hows she feeling she said shes very well and took half tablet so there is no issues. (half bloody tablet when we all know she have to take them for 2 weeks to kick in) If she was 'just' depressed or something I would be more than happy to come with my dd if that would help her. Looking at the all symptoms I think its Schizophrenia, but I am not a docotor and as I said my DH do not want to talk about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 21:41

Fab if the mother/grandma is dangerous I would take the kids away from her.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 17/08/2011 22:03

There is no way on earth I'd leave her alone with mine and if my dh threatened to go to court on behalf of his mothers 'rights' to unsupervised access to my child, I'd kick his sorry arse from here to his mothers. Can't believe you let him get away with that shit.

Children are not there to make adults feel better and your MIL is ill. Access to her grandchild is not going to 'fix' her. Your dh needs to get a grip.

pictish · 17/08/2011 23:30

Sorry - just to come back to this.
My older brother is schizophrenic and in the past has been sectioned many times.

When he is well he is a great uncle to our kids.

If she is currently unwell then obviously overnighters are a no no....but your title suggests you don't want her even near your dd. I thought that was unfair.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread