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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to ban my Mil from even being near my dd

69 replies

2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 16:31

ok I post here from time to time, but I name changed for this one. DH'S situation very complicated and I want to ask your opinion.(I think it will take few threats)
My MIL have a mental issues. Please do not ask me what is the medical term because I do not know and my DH dont want to talk about it. She was sanctioned under the mental health act few years back and again few days ago. She has 6DC'S and 5 of them are over 18.
They were with her until 15 and then she decided they grown up enough and she kicked them out the house (including my DH) not worrying they ended up in shelter until they were 18.
She said she always wanted gran kids and she wants to look after my Dc over weekend or even for a week. (wse are 200 miles away) My DC is few months old and there is no way I would let her have my child. My DH is very upset because he think that our child would help her to over come her ilness. (She does not take the medications)

AIBU not to let her look after my child now or ever because of her issues and that I cant get over that she wasnt looking after her own kids and now wants to play nan to my child?

OP posts:
momobiker · 17/08/2011 16:57

I hope nobody ever says I am not fit to be around children given that I have MH issues.

YABVVVU OP

Original poster
2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 16:58

they out of the blue,but you can predict that it will happen few minutes before. she starts talking funny , being paranoid and not recognising family. the she gets worse ambulance comes and she gets sanctioned. when shes out of the hospital she think its ok, dont want to take medications because she knows it will make her a different person.

OP posts:
festi · 17/08/2011 16:59

momobiker I think you need to also consider the other relevent information in the OP.

southmum · 17/08/2011 17:01

Momo have you read the OPs posts?

ZhenXiang · 17/08/2011 17:01

YANBU to refuse sole charge given that:

She has just been sectioned

Does not take regular medication

Has violent episodes (even if not directed at anyone else)

Doesn't have a good record of care for her own children

YWBU to stop supervised visits once she is no longer sectioned and not in a phase where she is having violent episodes that could traumatise your chilrdne if they were to witness one. If she is stable there is no reason why you couldn't take your DD for a visit.

My BIL has been sectioned in past, but now is quite stable and has unsupervised visits for weeks at a time with his own child. It is possible that things can change and down the line if she accepts help, and is more stable then sole charge could become a possibility you might want to consider, just not right now.

Original poster
2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 17:03

i think my DH wants to try everything that could make her better and won't understand that our child isn't the medication she needs. Because we are so far away hes getting upset he can't be there and help and we always arguing about her.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 17/08/2011 17:05

Your DH needs to know he can't cure her any more than your baby can. If she's not taking her meds, that's her choice, however leaving your baby alone with somone who is violently unstable is a recipie for disaster and you can't take even the slightest risk with a vulnerable child.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 17/08/2011 17:10

YANBU. No way should your DC be used as some kind of therapy tool for anyone, granny or not. Very Hmm about that.

Leaving aside the history with MIL's own kids, she doesnt take her meds and obviously can not function properly so being alone with any children is a bad idea.

It sounds like your DH is fiercely loyal to his mum, nothing wrong with that in itself, except that seems to have clouded his judgement wrt his own child's wellbeing.

Original poster
2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 17:10

thank you all. I got a bit scared reading the 1st post that im bu. I am very worried about my DD(like every mother) , but it took us over 3 years to have her and there is no way I would put her at any risk. When we argued on Sunday he said he will go the court with MIL to get a visits because she has rights to look after her. Well I know he will not have legs to stand on, but worried that he would go and visit her without my permission.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 17/08/2011 17:13

Your MIL has no rights, your DH is being an arse.

He has no right to put your child at risk, SS will take a very dim view of this. Tell him that.

Chestnutx3 · 17/08/2011 17:20

I think your DH needs some sort of counselling to be honest. Your MIL has nor rights of course. Your DH will have major issues about his mother that may only be coming to light now he is a parent.

YANBU but your DH is the problem not your MIL.

pigletmania · 17/08/2011 17:21

Yanbu your babies welfare comes first, and if in any way you have doubts say no. She is not taking her meds and is far away that it will be hard to go there Quickly if anything happens. Your call. She could see your dc supervised and be involved like that. You could come to her or her to you.

ThePosieParker · 17/08/2011 17:22

Hijack:

Katie Congratulations...hope it works out well!!!

Original poster
2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 17:23

I knew it one day we will have a problem. It is heartbreaking to know what he had to through as a child and a teen, but i will not let anyone to hurt or put at risk my child. Maybe I am a bitch, but i dont believe you can change like that and suddenly becaome a great nan

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 17/08/2011 17:28

Yanbu at all. Keep your baby safe.

firsttimer84 · 17/08/2011 17:29

Not a bitch, a protective mum-massive difference! YDNBU! There's no way I'd let my baby be medication to someone that volatile. There's a difference between mild depression and severe psychotic episodes. She needs mood balancing chemicals not a baby.

pigletmania · 17/08/2011 17:33

Mono it's not about discriminating against MH issues I've had them, it's about the welfare of a child. The lady is not taking her meds, she has violent episodes, just been sectioned and is far away. He'll I would not let her look after my child without appropriate supervision. A baby is not a medicine, if she wants to look after the child she needs to help herself by taking her meds and getting therapy

Tabbykat · 17/08/2011 17:34

Your situation is freakily almost identical to mine. MIL was sectioned during my first pregnancy and despite saying among other things that she would rather our unborn baby die than be brought into such a shit world, she should "save" her now as she is an innocent, she is convinced all is ok. I felt like you do, that I would never let her anywhere near, especially as she even now refuses to take her meds - I am completely paranoid about her snatching or hurting the kids.

I don't know if it helps at all but she sees the DDs if we are there, and now, five years on, has just been allowed to look after them for two hours. There'll probably be people here who think that's a bit harsh but unless you've been on the receiving end of this, it might be hard to understand just how hard it is to trust someone like this. As far as I'm cocerned, it has to be rebuilt, takes time and effort, and willing, so I don;t think YABU at all.

G1nger · 17/08/2011 17:38

Nothing wrong with a bit of supervised access. But that's it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/08/2011 17:38

I think your DH is not really facing up to how ill his mum is. Partly, that might be because he has grown up with it and so her instability is normal for him.

If possible, I would try to find a position where you can agree some supervised visits with your MIL.

I also think your DH might need some counselling to come to terms with his childhood and his mother's condition as he seems to be carrying a lot of guilt (even though I suspect there is nothing he could have done to change the situation).

LolaRennt · 17/08/2011 17:38

do any of your mh problems result in you having to be restrained by 4 people so you don't destroy people and property?

MH problems are not all the same and should not all be treated the same either. I have suffered severe depression in the past and tried to harm myself, but I have never harmed (or thought about) harming anyone else. It would be stupid to say I can't look after a child, but someone with a history of violent outbursts should not be allowed to do whatever they like with some one else's child.

Original poster
2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 17:39

oh thanks tabby. Great to know I am not the only one. we have the same issue.she says our DD is her angel who came to this world to save her Hmm that scared the shit out of me tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
2MuchLoveWillKillYou · 17/08/2011 17:43

my dh istrying to be the father figure for his brothers and sisters (their dads are not arround) and feels that he have to protect them and his mum. i think he just dont want to remember what she done in the past. he says because im from 'normal' family I do not understand, but what i know is no one ever will hurt my child because I trusted too much

OP posts:
pigletmania · 17/08/2011 17:50

Yes Lola it does depend on the type of mh problem and degree, but in this case it's a no no

TheOriginalFAB · 17/08/2011 17:51

My mother didn't want me but now wants my kids. Over my dead body. She will not practice on my kids and neither should your MIL on your baby. YABU not to let her ever see the baby just because she has a MH illness. Lots of mums have MH illnesses. Do you think they should lose their children?

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