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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at MIL for ...

92 replies

Mylittlebubble · 15/08/2011 18:47

... letting my DD (3.4) to sleep for over an hour during the day leaving bed time a nightmare for us!

DD dropped her daytime sleep ages ago and goes to bed well between 7-8pm. MIL looks after DD 2 days a week 8-6 which we are eternally grateful for so feel bad being annoyed. However last week she let her sleep for over an hour during the day and we had a nightmare getting her to bed that night, gone 10pm. My Dh was not impressed and rang her and said in an angry tone not to let her sleep during the day as it is not fair on any of us come bedtime, (everyone getting tired and upset).

Well MIL knows best doesn't she! Picked up DD today and low and behold she has been allowed to sleep again during the day! Not sure which part of do not let her sleep she didn't get.

I have thought about whether we are asking too much but DD does not sleep when she is with me/ us.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

LiegeAndLief · 18/08/2011 09:31

I'm with you OP. All the people saying "it's only an hour, it won't hurt" have clearly never had dc like mine! (and possibly yours). I stopped both of them napping at about 20 months, because they just didn't need that amount of sleep. They would both often fall asleep in the car or pushchair, and I would have to wake them up as soon as we arrived. They would be miserable for about 5-10min and then fine for the rest of the day. At 2.4 (never mind 3.4!), if allowed to sleep for an hour in the day, ds would have gone to bed ok but would have woken bouncing off the ceiling at 4am; dd (currently 2.1) would be awake until 10pm or go to sleep at 9pm and wake through the night.

I couldn't have coped with childcare that routinely let ds sleep for an hour in the day (he was at nursery and it was a bit of an effort getting them to reduce his nap). Fair enough if your dd falls asleep in the car etc, you can't do much about that, but I would be asking her to wake dd up ASAP and not actively try to get her to nap, otherwise she will be having an extra day at the cm.

Original poster

Mylittlebubble · 18/08/2011 12:11

Just to answer some of my critics!

DD is not cranky or over tried when I pick her up when she has not napped during the day. We spend quality time with her when we get home before bedtime. I wonder what your response to 'Is it fair to keep DD up until 9-10pm so we can spend time with her? would get. DD goes to bed at a time we feel appropriate for her age and goes to bed nicely with the routine we have.

Yes, I work a full day, Yes, we have childcare provided by MIL - which is very much appreciated. I need to work financially, as many of us do, and already feel bad about this nevermind being slatted for it here.

DD does not sleep at the CM or with ourselves so why would she need to sleep at MIL's? This leads me to believe MIL gives her the opportunity or ques to sleep when she is there. This is not part of her routime and has not been for some time and this works for all of us. The frustrating part is we have asked for her not to sleep during the day as it makes life harder for all of us including DD.

Many thanks to those that have put themselves in our situation and understand how frustrating it is to have someone undermine your parenting and routines knowingly whether the childcare is free or not. Also thank you for some of the construction solutions. I think we will look at changing the time DD spends at MIL's to either morning or afternoons only.

OP posts:

MightyQuim · 18/08/2011 14:01

Maybe she does more tiring things with MIL. I would love to know how you think she makes your child, who doesn't need a nap, sleep! She obviously does need a nap but you don't want her to have one because she's up late! If you posted 'AIBU to have my child stay up late so I can spend time with them' you would probably get a resounding 'yes' but the answer would likely be 'no' if you posted 'AIBU to let my child have a later bedtime so I don't have to keep them awake all day.'

And of course getting free childcare as A FAVOUR, which is what it is however much the MIL is glad to do it, is different from paying a childminder/nursery. If someone is doing something as a paid job you can dictate what they do to suit you to an extent. It isn't the case that the MIL is doing anything to harm the child - in fact the child is probably happier for the nap. Just that she isn't keeping a child awake and not having a break herself to make evenings easier for you. Isn't she doing enough of a favour for you looking after your child for free?

Lemonylemon · 18/08/2011 14:35

OP: My Mum used to look after my DD 2 days a week while DD went to nursery for the other 3. On the days at nursery, DD never had a nap, but on the days she was with my Mum, she always slept for an hour or so. To be honest, I think that a factor in that was boredom and not being as physically active and mentally stimulated as she would have been at nursery. I just sucked it up in the end and just let DD go to bed half an hour later at night.....

shmoz · 18/08/2011 14:55

Cat64 ''Lets not forget, that looking after a 3 yr old for 10 hours a day is pretty exhausting for most people over 40 / 45ish''

I'm 41 and DS is 9mo....my face went when I read that

cat64 · 18/08/2011 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ragwort · 18/08/2011 15:15

Shmoz - was just going to say the same - I had my DS at 43 . (I am often amazed at threads on mumsnet when people are talking about their parents/in-laws who are old 'in their 50s' !!! )

Wouldn't the OP's DD be better off at a playschool or nursery school rather than CM/Granny? But I totally agree that if the OP's DD needs to sleep, she needs to sleep. Can't imagine being so rude about someone looking after my child ............ would have been only too pleased to have a willing grandparent for childcare duties !

Lemonylemon · 18/08/2011 15:33

cat, shmoz I had my DD at 44 1/2. She's now nearly 4. I is totally knackered.....

cat64 · 18/08/2011 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HenriettaFarthingay · 18/08/2011 16:32

I don't intend to get into the argument here - I have my opinion, but will keep it to myself - but I would suggest that the MIL has possibly offered to look after the child two days a week to help out her Son and daughter in law financially, as well as allowing her to spend quality time with her grandchild.

exoticfruits · 18/08/2011 16:41

And I get cross when people call 60yr olds elderly!!!! It is very common for women in their 40's to have their first baby-they can cope and are not ready for a rocking chair and knitting!

HenriettaFarthingay · 18/08/2011 18:04

Me too exoticfruits - I'm 61 and have just had all five of my grandchildren to stay for an 8 day holiday here. Hubbie and I had a fabulous time, and we have a feeling the children did too.

exoticfruits · 18/08/2011 18:13

Sounds lovely Henrietta.

MumdiddyMum · 18/08/2011 18:56

She's doing you a favour. A childminder or nursery would probably do the same as her but charge you for it. I know its annoying but I think YABU here.

FakePlasticTrees · 18/08/2011 19:33

(Cat64 - good recovery!!! )

OP - I stand by my earlier comment, it's only a favour if it helps you, the way MIL looks after DD doesn't help you. So it's down to you who looks after your DD regardless of what your MIL wants.

Thumbwitch · 19/08/2011 04:39

Is it that much of a favour when the favour-offerer is doing it at her own insistence? The OP has said they would be happy to put their DD into childcare for the other 2 days, the MIL is the one who doesn't like this and refuses to let them do that. She is the one insisting she has the DD for those 2 days and then wilfully ignoring the OP's (reasonable) requests.

Not much of a FAVOUR, in my book.

Morloth · 19/08/2011 05:57

Either suck it up or move her to the CM for those 2 days.

If the care MIL is providing then the OP and her DH need to change.

Personally when my boys are with family, I leave them to it. My MIL would tell my DH to get knotted if he ever spoke to her like that, not that he ever would.

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