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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at MIL for ...

92 replies

Mylittlebubble · 15/08/2011 18:47

... letting my DD (3.4) to sleep for over an hour during the day leaving bed time a nightmare for us!

DD dropped her daytime sleep ages ago and goes to bed well between 7-8pm. MIL looks after DD 2 days a week 8-6 which we are eternally grateful for so feel bad being annoyed. However last week she let her sleep for over an hour during the day and we had a nightmare getting her to bed that night, gone 10pm. My Dh was not impressed and rang her and said in an angry tone not to let her sleep during the day as it is not fair on any of us come bedtime, (everyone getting tired and upset).

Well MIL knows best doesn't she! Picked up DD today and low and behold she has been allowed to sleep again during the day! Not sure which part of do not let her sleep she didn't get.

I have thought about whether we are asking too much but DD does not sleep when she is with me/ us.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

Melly20MummyToPoppy · 16/08/2011 09:56

YABVU.

Original poster

Mylittlebubble · 16/08/2011 10:47

OK maybe my post was too aggresive and didn't give enough information.

Jackaroo Yes you are right MIL insists and offered in having our DD for us 2 days a week. She does not like the idea of DD being looked after outside of the family. DD does also goes to a CM 2 days a week. MIL has on several occasions undermined our requests on disapline and what DD may or may not need.

DD does not sleep at CM or when with us so am amazed she sleeps with MIL and believe she is given the opportunity to. I am happy to change our childcare arrangements however MIL wants to care for DD.

Also I have never been rude to my MIL and actually kept very quiet when she has undermined us. She and FIL looks after DD so not on her own.

Oh I did apologise on behalf of my DH the next day and have asked him to do the same.

Just wanted to know whether we were BU in asking her not to let her sleep.

But I guess I got my answer loud and clear from the MN panel!!!

OP posts:

clam · 16/08/2011 10:59

If you're working 8-6, and she usually goes to bed between 7 and 8, is it really the end of the world if she stays up a bit later? Surely it would give you a bit more time with her?

Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 12:59

Glad you said sorry for dh.

As I said earlier, my SiL does this to MiL and she has been in tears over it but won't tell SiL it upsets hair.

I think you have to relent a bit on different house rules, iirc your MiL is a bit more lax on balls in houses and stuff or was that not you?

Id go with the dvd and quiet time suggestions people have given, perhaps send dc with a dvd so she asks to watch it?

Original poster

Mylittlebubble · 16/08/2011 13:23

Honeydragon you've got a good memory or are you stalking me!! Yes your right MIL didn't listen when I said politely we do not allow balls in the house. It got resolved when I mentioned that i will just give up on the rule we are trying to impose as it was losing battle in front of FIL. Then he stepped in and made of a point of saying they should stop doing it if that is our rule too.

Actually I did just that the next day went round with favourite DVD's and said what we might do keep her awake in the car etc. But got given undermining comments again on the lines of MIL knowing whats best for DD and what will and wont work. My suggestions being the ones that won't!!!

OP posts:

Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 13:32

I genuinely remember , I wasn't 100% sure it was you. I only remember it as my friend was going through a similar issue as her PiL house was big enough to run around in and hers wasn't, so she needed similar rules in both as her youngest hadn't quite grasped the concept of different house different rules, but PiL felt she was being all uptight and Draconian

I do wish you'd mentioned in the op, that you felt it was a "enforced" nap, as that is different. I think your only real out with that one is to maybe say if they feel a nap is necessary perhaps it is too long a day for them, and you should use the CM for childcare and them for back up / fun days out.

Thumbwitch · 16/08/2011 13:32

I was going to say YWBU but then read the rest of your posts.

DS is 3.8 and mostly goes without a sleep in the day but sometimes he just needs one. Sure, it mucks his bedtime up but I cannot keep him awake if he's determined to fall asleep!

However. Your MIL seems to be determined that your DD should have a nap - so I would suggest that you let your MIL have her overnight if she does it again. Perhaps when she has to reap the consequences of what she has sown, she might be less inclined to think "she knows best". I do not mean pre-arrange it,, I meanwhen you get there, if your DD has had a nap, just say that granny can have her overnight now as well. Of course it's rude and probably highly inconvenient - but then so is refusing to do what she has been asked to do with respect to your daughter and her wellbeing.

Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 13:39

Ooooh I prefer Thumbs suggestion to mine, passive-evil, I like it

startail · 16/08/2011 13:40

Oh please, if a tired toddler wants a nap then they should have a nap. If a relative is looking after your child and they are tired and fractious it is their call.
We are running late today because my 10 and 13 year olds have had a busy weekend and are half a sleep, I expect I shall have to say bed several times this evening when they perk up. That's life.

Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 13:45

Startail, agree 100%, but having read the previous post by the op, there is a difference between making a child tired sleep for a couple if hours, and letting a tired child rest, and fall asleep if they need to.

MightyQuim · 16/08/2011 14:30

I've read the update and I still think YABU. No matter how much the MIL insists on looking after your dd it is obviously your preferred option or someone else would be doing it. I fail to see how she can make a child who isn't tired sleep. What she isn't doing is going all out to keep her awake to make bedtime easier for you which is, I think, a little too much to expect when you are getting childcare for free.

clam · 16/08/2011 15:17

What do you mean, you "believe she has the opportunity to sleep?"
Does your MIL actively put her down to sleep, or does she just not stop her if she nods off? There's a difference.
Although I still think it's your MIL's call if she's "in charge" for the day. It's only an hour, not 3, and as I said earlier, how much time do you get with your DD if you want to put her to bed at 7 yet work until 6? This hour's nap would give you that time.

pictish · 16/08/2011 17:14

Yes I still think yabu as well.

gapants · 16/08/2011 17:35

Glad you apologised to MIl for the outburst, still think if your daughter wants to nap, then she should.

Chocolategirl3 · 16/08/2011 17:47

YANBU - i would expect anyone who looks after your child to ask how you want things done and then follow your rules. If your DD really does have to snooze then a quick 20 min power nap should do the trick, certainly not a whole hour.
The nursery we used many moons ago for our DD didn't let the older ones have an afternoon nap if the parents requested it and that was a very good nursery.

Sounds like your MIL is struggling though to entertain your DD all day, you need to have a polite chat with her and see if its all just too much.

CustardCake · 16/08/2011 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FakePlasticTrees · 16/08/2011 17:52

Firstly, you are in charge of who looks after your child, not your MIL. The arrangement is obviously not working for you, she's undermining you and it's making your evenings more stressful. This can't be good for DD either. Simply, inform your MIL you are going to send DD to the CM for those days now. If she strops up about it, tough, she should have accepted she's not DD's mother and if she's going to cause you problems she's not actually helping you out.

MightyQuim · 16/08/2011 18:00

Apparently the op's childminder keeps the child awake even though I didn't think that was considered good practice anymore. OP I'm interested as another poster has said as to why your child needs to be in bed between 7 and 8? If you finish work at 6 you must be pretty much putting her straight to bed as soon as you get back. Why don't you let your dd have a nap in the day if she needs it and have some chilled time together in the evening reading or something and a later bedtime?

MollyMurphy · 16/08/2011 18:05

My husband takes a nap during the day when he's tired too. It happens. I can't see a 1 hour nap when a child's tired being a big night disturber unless it was very very late in the day....perhaps it was a one off. I don't think your MIL deserved a telling off that is for sure.

DumSpiroSpero · 17/08/2011 09:40

Just thinking, OP - has your daughter got her free childcare entitlement yet (3hrs a day 5 days a week)?

Perhaps you could use this as an 'excuse' to have a couple of sessions at nursery on the 2 days MIL has her? It would make less work for the IL's, help her to meet other children before starting primary school (I know she must see others at CM's), and if you went for an afternoon session they would have to let her nap earlier and she'd more likely to be tired for bedtime after 3 hours hooning around with a bunch of other kids for the afternoon. You can use the line that "As it's something we're given for free, we might as well take advantage of it".

I do sympathise. My MIL also insisted on 'helping' us with childcare. She's not all bad but we have very different ideas about everything child rearing and I did frequently find myself wondering if it was worth it. DD turning 3 and getting her free hours was a fantastic excuse to reduce her (and to an extent my own mums) invovlement tbh.

Jackaroo · 18/08/2011 07:09

OK, well in that case, given that I am the world's number proponent of ignoring manipulative and righteous female relatives, I would tell her either your way, or childcare.

She cannot impose her will on you and your child just because she believes it to be right. it doesn't sound as if it's got anything to do with how tired the child is, just that she "should" go to sleep every afternoon. It's a bit like saying you must only feed a new baby every 4 hours or something.

With you all the way OP, and sounds to me as if DH's outburst was about a last straw being broken..... PS So hard to know how much to write/not write, until you see you need to give a more detailed picture :-)

nanban · 18/08/2011 07:45

Your child isn't playing you up because of a perfectly natural nap - she is playing you up because as far as she is concerned you dumped her and she doesn't understand why. It makes it very tough on grannie to get the blame for that one when she is doing her best for you.

stabiliser15 · 18/08/2011 08:52

A bit harsh Nanban. The OP made it clear that her MIL actively wanted to look after her DD. No one has "dumped" the child on her.

OP I sympathise because my own ILs ignore my requests but confrontation about different parenting styles is usually unhelpful. If you dont like how MIL looks after your DD, you need to change childcare arrangements.

I have limited the time my own PIL have DD to one afternoon a week, and now dont get worked up about them ignoring routine etc, on the basis that one day of a mucked up routine isnt the end of the would, and falling out with them would be unfair on DD and DH.

rainbow2000 · 18/08/2011 09:12

Im just wondering my 31/2 ds doesnt relly nap anymore,but the odd time he does he still goes to bed at his usual time,cause he tires himself out.Also if shes cranky and not have had a nap during the day that can put your routine in to shits,cause shes overtired and wont sleep.I think you have to agree your mil has a different way of doing things so either ler her do it her way while she has her.Or pay for the cm to have her the other days.

Catslikehats · 18/08/2011 09:26

OP I think you have been given a hard time - I wonder how many of the people that say "If you don't like it, use a childminder/nursery" would object if a childminder/nursery disregarded their requests re the care of their child?

The problem is you have committed a MN cardinal sin - you have free childcare this means that you are automatically an unreasonable/self centered wretch who should count herself lucky that you MIL as much as acknowledges you in the street. (FWIW I have never had either free childcare or a MIL)

I think it is totally reasonable for you to be pissed off that your MIL has ignored an explicit request from you.

If your DD is genuinely tired and it is impossible to know for sure - many DC's will sleep even if not particularly tired if all the necessary cues are there then it may be that she needs a shorter nap earlier in the day but this is something that your MIL as childcare provider should discuss with you.

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