Pil woes

[Moulesfrites]

done to death I know but I need some perspective on this. Since the birth of my ds nearly 7 months ago pretty much everything my pils have said and done has upset me. I blamed the hormones at first but now I'm not so sure, and I don't know if dh or I should say something about it.

Basically, they disapprove of a lot of our parenting decisions. They don't come out with it explicitly but make barbed comments and disapproving tuts. They don't agree with waiting til 6 months to wean, the fact that ds slept in our room for 6 months (they would freak if they knew we occasionally. Co - sleep), the fact that he wasn't in a strict 4 hr feeding routine since birth. The night we came home from hospital they were staying at out house and ds was crying, and mil came into our room and took him and tried to settle him. I have never quite got over this, and every time they have stayed since I barely sleep thinking she will come in at the slightest peep. Pre ds we used to go and stay at theirs a lot but have not stayed overnight since he was born as I just thought it would be too stressful. We have however stayed at my parents, friends, various hotels etc, so I think pils were getting a bit miffed about it. So this weekend we stayed, but I just found it such a tense and horrible time. I constantly worry that they are judging and criticising my parenting, as they are quite judgemental generally. This weekend they were moaning about the fact that he does not sleep through the night as it means they can't have him overnight. Mil was going on about how he should be cutting down the breastfeeds as he is weaned - he is on 3 meals plus 4 bfs a day which she thinks is far too much. She also told me I need to think about weaning him off the bf as I am going back to work in 4 months time . Any time I tell them about advice I have received from the gp or hv they greet it with scorn and derision. Today I told them about the hv telling me not to give ds tea or coffee, in a kind of 'as if I would do this' sort of way, and they thought it was ludicrous as it never did their kids any harm - completely misjudged that one! I then had to explain the iron absorption thing and they just looked at me as if I am some kind of humourless harpy. Ditto the botulism risk with honey.

I think the problem is they just think I am blindly accepting the guidelines and don't have a mind of my own, when in fact I have made informed decisions about all of these issues. I have read about 5 books about bf and weaning recently, but they still think they know better than me or any hcp.

I think the problem is really I am annoyed with myself for not having the confidence to ignore them and trust my own parenting decisions. Do you think I should say something? My mum is the same age as them but she accepts that guidelines have changed and we need to do it our way. I am feeling so crap about this, aibu? Any advice?

I think I'll develop an app for new parents who are wrestling with GPs who have under-developed boundaries.

It would have a loud, male, authorative voice and would shout messages at the offending GP - police raid stylee.

"Step away from the baby, now"
"Hand over the baby and you won't get hurt"
"This is not a negotiation"

karma, yes definitely! Just a shame we are still saving up for a deposit! :( I do appreciate that PILs let us live with them of course but it doesn't half get crowded & awkward!

pomme, that's awful :( I wouldn't ever think of taking a crying newborn away from it's parents. MIL did apologise the day after but I'm still reeling from it, I'm sure it'll be the story that will be raised to DS when he's older - how "Mummy & Daddy couldn't cope so I came & soothed you" :( Now when she holds him, if he starts crying she desperately tries to soothe him despite me telling her repeatedly that he's due a feed / needs changing .etc.

Maybe we should all form a support group... or a badge for new Mums "Hands off my newborn!" like the "Hands off my bump" t-shirts! The app sounds good pip

Oops! A few too many emoticons in that last post!

I'll set aside my natural irritation in reading global generalisations about PILs and how we all have nightmarish qualities because honestly, it just 'aint the case! I do feel for anyone struggling with their PIL however.

I'd like to pretty much echo babyboomersrock's post though. I'm a paternal grandmother to my 7 month old dgd. It has honestly never occurred to me to interfere with their decisions or make silly comments that suggest I might know better. Only I kind of assumed that having reached the age where ds2 met the beautiful girl who is my DDIL, they'd both set up home together and had a child, it was for me to respect their decisions and revel in the loveliness of being a grandmother and their delight in being parents.

My own mother wasn't an interferer either but my former MIL could have won a gold medal for Judgemental Grandparenting in East Hertfordshire if this unfortunate characteristic ever became an Olympic sport. As a result I learnt several useful lessons:

1. Don't be drawn on detail. You will always be in the wrong.
2. Don't be undermined. Her way is not necessarily the best, let alone the only way.
3. Treat it all with as light a heart as possible. Don't, whatever you do, allow the over-critical in-laws to get under your skin.
4. Practice useful, non-confrontational ways of stopping the nonsense in its tracks - "yes, people did put tiny little babies in prams out in the snow back in the 1950s but ways of doing things change, don't they? Now, would anyone like a cup of tea?"

The most important thing is not to let them get you down. Sounds easy to say, I realise but you simply don't have to justify your methods of parenting and the quicker they realise you won't be put on the defensive, the easier things will get.

I do think when you are completely consumed by your baby that it gets quite difficult to see that others are just going on theuir every day life...

One thing that stands out to me from your post is the places where you talk about no weaning until 6 months, that they didn;t know about iron absorption being decreased if you give a child tea, and them not knowing about the botulism risk from honey...

Ehm....I know its tough when this is stuff that you live and breathe but really....trust me....most of the people wandering around the world, whether they have children or not, or if they had children 30 years ago have NO IDEA about this stuff because its not their life...

If most of your conversations are about babies, your baby, other babies and stuff that babies do, then they are going to give you their opinion and tell you what they did because....well frankly if they didn't they would have nothing else to say.

I'm not saying they are perfect and blameless but try and change the subect to something else because if you are going to talk about babies they will give you your thoughts and experiences because thats frankly how conversations work.

And don't expect everyone to know the details of how to raise a child/feed a baby....not obnly have guidelines and advice changed on many subjects, but some things are things that people don't know any more because they haven't had a baby since their own 30 years ago.....or its stuff that they never knew in the first place.

Thats a good point Bathsheba. I suppose I spend a lot of time amongst fellow mums at the same stage as me and so kind of forget that not everyone is obsessed with the minutiae of infant feeding! But it's not that they don't know about it, it's that they are so scornful of any current advice.

I would love to talk about stuff other than babies!

Ahem Pandemoniaa

I don't think this is actually an IL situation

It's a grandparent thing. It also, to a lesser degree, afflicts all sorts of people from random strangers in the supermarket to long time friends. They feel they have parenting wisdom to impart.

I'm a huge believer in hypocrisy when it comes to these sorts of situations.

Don't talk about your parenting choices and if they do just nod and smile. Then do what you always do.