Pil woes

[Moulesfrites]

done to death I know but I need some perspective on this. Since the birth of my ds nearly 7 months ago pretty much everything my pils have said and done has upset me. I blamed the hormones at first but now I'm not so sure, and I don't know if dh or I should say something about it.

Basically, they disapprove of a lot of our parenting decisions. They don't come out with it explicitly but make barbed comments and disapproving tuts. They don't agree with waiting til 6 months to wean, the fact that ds slept in our room for 6 months (they would freak if they knew we occasionally. Co - sleep), the fact that he wasn't in a strict 4 hr feeding routine since birth. The night we came home from hospital they were staying at out house and ds was crying, and mil came into our room and took him and tried to settle him. I have never quite got over this, and every time they have stayed since I barely sleep thinking she will come in at the slightest peep. Pre ds we used to go and stay at theirs a lot but have not stayed overnight since he was born as I just thought it would be too stressful. We have however stayed at my parents, friends, various hotels etc, so I think pils were getting a bit miffed about it. So this weekend we stayed, but I just found it such a tense and horrible time. I constantly worry that they are judging and criticising my parenting, as they are quite judgemental generally. This weekend they were moaning about the fact that he does not sleep through the night as it means they can't have him overnight. Mil was going on about how he should be cutting down the breastfeeds as he is weaned - he is on 3 meals plus 4 bfs a day which she thinks is far too much. She also told me I need to think about weaning him off the bf as I am going back to work in 4 months time . Any time I tell them about advice I have received from the gp or hv they greet it with scorn and derision. Today I told them about the hv telling me not to give ds tea or coffee, in a kind of 'as if I would do this' sort of way, and they thought it was ludicrous as it never did their kids any harm - completely misjudged that one! I then had to explain the iron absorption thing and they just looked at me as if I am some kind of humourless harpy. Ditto the botulism risk with honey.

I think the problem is they just think I am blindly accepting the guidelines and don't have a mind of my own, when in fact I have made informed decisions about all of these issues. I have read about 5 books about bf and weaning recently, but they still think they know better than me or any hcp.

I think the problem is really I am annoyed with myself for not having the confidence to ignore them and trust my own parenting decisions. Do you think I should say something? My mum is the same age as them but she accepts that guidelines have changed and we need to do it our way. I am feeling so crap about this, aibu? Any advice?

They sound ghastly. Believe in yourself and stop answering their questions - do as others suggest, and smile and nod. I'm a paternal granny and I vowed when the first grandchild arrived that I would not interfere or question any of the parents' decisions - but to be honest, I haven't even been tempted.

They aren't my babies. I am only the granny. I am not entitled to barge in and do things my way or ask constant questions. I make myself available if asked, but I wouldn't expect to have my 6-month-old grandson overnight; it's his mummy and daddy he needs most at the moment. If he wants to stay over when he's 3 or 4, that's a different matter, and if his parents are happy about it, I'll be delighted to have him. I'll still do things their way, though.

I had four children and a very difficult mother who criticised everything I did, with the result that I didn't trust her around my children. I knew she would enjoy undermining my decisions - she thought babies didn't need to be cuddled and played with, that they should be fed every four hours and that they needed "discipline". Oh, and she thought I was "over-protective" - great word, that. Needless to say, they have turned out to be normal, well-socialised adults despite my over-protectiveness.

It's been a revelation to stand back and watch my son and his wife grow into parenthood; I am so proud of them, and privileged to play a part in my grandson's life. We grandparents should perhaps think less about our entitlement and more about what is best for our grandchildren and their parents.

(sorry - long first post!)

I can sympathise! My PIL think that they know everything there is to know about raising babies and children, and take any sort of "actually we're doing it this way" type comment as criticism!

They were deeply offended by DH's SIL when they demanded offered to look after her daughter 2 days a week and were given a printed outline of DH's DNiece's routine and food likes and dislikes, and constantly criticise her approach behind her back and generally ignore any instructions they dont like when they look after that child.

I'm under no illusions that it is not exactly the same with my DD, but fortunately we're 20 miles away so they only look after DD one afternoon a week. I'm sure I have offended PIL by having a routine pinned to the kitchen cupboard (mainly for DH's benefit when he looks after DD 2 days a week at home!) but I've learned to develop a thick skin about comments they make to me and about what I imagine they say behind my back. They genuinely care about DD and her relationship with them is important. I also think that there is a limit to how much damage they can do by ignoring the routine and feeding her god knows what in just one afternoon a week. It would be different if we disagreed on something fundamental like safety issues (there was a thread recently about PIL wanting to use an old, broken car seat) and I would definitely demand things were done my way or not at all in those circumstances, but would try and be diplomatic about that (or make DH tell them!).

My advice in this situation is to nod and smile, and carry on doing what you and your DH think best.

thank you. I know I should adopt the smile and nod approach. But the thing is, I kind of want them to know that every decision we have made as parents has been an informed one, we haven't just blindly accepted the guidelines, it frustrates me that they think I am some silly woman doing as she is told when actually there are clear reasons behind all of our choices. This is what tends to make me want to justify myself although I realise I shouldn't have to.

babyboomersrock that was a lovely post thank you!

My own Mums favourite line when I do anything, the same or different to her is 'I've raised 3 children of my own'. The line itself seem to infer a million things.

I would love to say 'back the fuck off then and let me raise mine'.

OP, YANBU. My mum and sister came to stay once when DS was 4 months old and going through sleep regression. We would attend to his needs but not always in 2 seconds, maybe more like after 2 minutes when I was awake. One night DS woke screaming, 30 seconds later mum had wandered in mine and P's room and 'told' me to get up and deal with him as she couldn't sleep. She stayed in hotels after that at my suggestion [wink[.[

MadamDeathstare: I love that idea. May adopt it myself if occasion demands!

yes I do like the Mary Poppins quote!

I am a granny as well as mum to a baby,i would never assume i had any rights over my dgs,when he was 6 weeks and his parents looked frazzled after several sleepless nights i offered to have him overnight either at mine theirs or mine with them in spare room.They nearly snatched my hand off and got some rest. They did the same with me a few months ago,when the whites of my eyes had gone red

You either need to have it out with them or cope with it in the best way you can.

If they are anything like my ILs, a confrontation won't get you anywhere and will just make them think YOU are being unreasonable.

If I were you I would try to:

• Stop caring what they think about you and your parenting - it really is nothing to do with them, and it really doesn't matter what they think about you. What matters is YOUR own little family.
• Don't give them any additional info and don't get into long discussions about the rights or wrongs of different techniques/issues (if you MUST get into discussion, a quick 'DH and I have made a decision about this already' should suffice).
• Get your DH on board in terms of changing the subject, backing you up etc etc.
• Don't be rude about it, but decide what you are comfortable with and what you are not (ie. don't let ILs have DC overnight if you are not happy with it - find other compromises).

IME interfering ILs and parents are good practice for a lifetime of sticky-beaks, competitive parents, judgy strangers etc etc. There will be plenty of people tutting when your DC has a toddler tantrum, making you feel like crap about what reading level your DC are on etc etc. Now is the time to toughen up and have the courage of your convictions. (Sorry long!)

I wouldn't waste time explaining your reasons - you don't need to defend yourself. I used to do things just because it felt right - try explaining that to a disapproving granny.

And you know what? You're allowed to make mistakes too. If you try something and it doesn't work, just try something else. Don't start justifying everything you do, if only because you may decide it isn't for you, after a while. As you become more confident, you'll feel more laid-back about laughing things off - and if you can manage it, that's the best tack.

As for the PIL being miffed because you don't stay with them, or they see less of you than "the other side" does - tough cookie. That's their problem; they aren't kids to be appeased by upping the treats. My grandson is also grandson to another much-loved granny, and my ex-husband - oh, and step-grandchild to our new partners. He has several aunts and uncles on both sides, all anxious to spend time with him. We just have to share and enjoy our turn when it comes and be happy that this baby has so many people to love him.

Enjoy your baby. Don't fret about his wider family relationships at the moment - he doesn't know his granny from the milkman.

I found this age the hardest. Now DD is 17 months they can't force anything on her she don't want. Saying that there's no way she'd stay overnight yet. Just 6 months ago they were driving me nuts constantly but once your past the initial weaning, starting to sleep through stage hopefully it will chill out for you as well.

Lots of good advice here. My parents are like this, they are v loving parents and grandparents, but they haven't made the transition to an adult to adult relationship with their kids (me and db) and try to parent the grandkids and instruct us how to do it rather than grandparent them. Is v annoying.

Agree that your DH needs to stop sticking his head in the sand. I did this for a while, when dd1 was tiny, until DH (who was being driven nuts) and the birth of my dn and dd2 (the parents became even worse) made me see the error of my ways, and now I try to handle it by giving them less info, not seeking to justify our decisions, making jokes and, on occasion, telling them firmly to back off.

They still do it, but we (dh and I) handle it much better and don't fall out over it anymore. Most of all, it's up to me to deal with as they're my parents. Your DH needs to step up, but may take a while (did with me). no-one wants to hurt their parents, especially if they're in poor health or vulnerable, but must be done sometimes!

They've had their go with a baby when they had theirown children -now its your turn

You say you want your PIL to know that every decision you have made has been an informed one OP.

In that case, when they next make comments about something or criticise you, give them every book, every link, every paper you looked at. Tell them to read as much as you have and them come back to you in a week and tell you if they STILL stand by their outdated advice.

Other than that, I would just go with the nod and forget approach. You are doing brilliantly and you don't need your PIL to know that.

Sorry, that was meant to say 'you don't need your PIL's approval to prove that'.

"You say you want your PIL to know that every decision you have made has been an informed one OP."

Why?

I never felt the need to explain anything to anyone about what I did when mine were young.

But more to the point, do you think that they explained anything to anyone?

And did they sleep at their GPs as babies & that´s why they want that?

(Not that it matters as you can still do what you a want)

Repeat after me
"You raised yours, I'll raise mine"
honest, after a while, it sinks in

sorry, posted too quick
It can be really hard for parents to recognize that their own children have grown, and can make their own choices. In time, they will learn. Hopefully your DH can back you up, and help deflect the comments.

Another thing to try if you want to turn things around is to ask your PIL 'why? How do you know that's what you're supposed to do in this situation?' every time they suggest something to you that's not what you would do. And make them justify their advice.

Chances are they are going to say that it worked for them when their dc were little. So ask them again how at that time they knew that that was what they were supposed to do.

They are either going to say that they read xyz books or they were told by their PIL or family what to do or that they just did what came naturally or their health visitors (or equivalents - I have no idea how long they have been around!) or GPs or whoever have told them what to do.

If they were told what to do when they had their kids by their parents/PIL then you can tell them very nicely that you are sorry that they missed out on parenting their dc but that doesn't mean that they get to dictate to you what you do with your dc as you are the parent and you are not only perfectly capable of parenting but want to do it too.

If they found out the best info they could at the the time then you are doing exactly the same as they did, just finding out the best and most up to date info that you can. And that things do change, after all I'm betting that they did some things differently from their parents. If they did, then just emphasise that you are taking the same approach they did even if the actual things that you are doing seem different to them.

If they did what their parents did then ask them if they want the best for their dc or if they are happy for them to be treated using advice from their grandparents era. And if they say yes to that then see if they'd be happy to be treated with medicine or have surgery with techniques from 60 years ago...

You get the gist of what I'm trying to say, have the conversation in your head or role play it with your dh several times going through all the different variants (even if they sound mad) so the conversation goes smoothly and you have plenty of comebacks when you have the conversation for real. But hopefully it will give them something to think about if you can show them that you are doing the same as them even if it might not look like it.

Failing that, how about telling them that you can't understand, how, if they profess to love their grandchild they don't want the best him? And then whenever they repeat something out of date as if its gospel, just repeat something like 'sorry but I want the best for my child and I would have thought that you would have wanted that too'.

Believe in yourself and your dh's approach to parenting and question theirs. If nothing else you should have an interesting conversation and get some stress out when talking to them. If it works, great, if not at least you will have tried something different and maybe made them think a bit!

We live with my PILs! The night we came home from hospital, DS was inconsolsble, MIL came up, took him from DP's arms & walked off with him. I sat in our bedroom crying my eyes out, feeling like a failure. It is still raw now so I know how you feel on that one.

It seems to be others questioning our parenting, my Sister told me not to co-sleep as I'd never get my own bed back Yes, because there's tons of 18yo's still sleeping in their parents bed!? Just try to shrug it off & smile you're doing what you & DH think is best & what works best for you, DH & DS. Oh & avoid PILs as much as you can!

Oops sorry that was a bit long.

Another tactic if she competitively grandparents with friends... 'well don't let [other granny friend] know you're still trying to pretend it's the seventies/whenever - bet she has kept up with current best practices...'

WiiUnfit, time to move out I think. I'd go ballistic if my MIL did that. Bad enough that she'd follow me upstairs and watch when I was trying to bf ds1, or would try to hold him for 8 hours solid. Used to drive me up the wall as she was totally deliberately impervious to hints.

WiiUnfit - my PILS came to visit on day 3 and when dd was crying she declared she had 'wind' took her off me and jiggled and tried to burp her for about 2 hours. I sat in the shadowy bit by the stairs and wept.

Unless requested by parent unable to cope anymore anyone who does not hand a crying newborn back to its mother is in my opinion insane.

karmabeliever - when I worked out (when dd was about 16 weeks old ) that I should just take her back if I wanted her things got easier. MIL always looked affronted but never had the gall to actually say anything.