To be upset, angry peed off at (D)H

[jubblicious]

I've written on this board before about how I don't get along with DHs brother and SIL. We all, including MIL and FIL lived together. After a year and half of prOblems between me and SIL and a huge arguement in the house we decided to move out.

As a result, SIL and his brother became more and more petty. We have now moved abroad.

We're going home for a visit soon, and DH brother and SIL have decided that an effort should be made to get on. I'm having a hard time moving past everything that has been said and done. My health suffered while living there and was diagnosed with chronic fatigue and depression.

DH think I should move past everything and be nice to her, even though we haven't spoken in over a year. I have said I can be civil and that's it. I can't promise anymore.

DH wants to take her favourite crisps and chocolate and I told him to buy it himself. Which caused a huge argument.

He is accusing me of being negative and not wanting to try.and that he won't cut himself off from his family for me. I've never asked him to do this, but I have asked him to understand how hard this is for me.

Hard to say without knowing what the difficulties between you and SIL are.

what duckdodgers said. More detail needed. What did you fall out about?

Your husband should be supportive of your feelings, it is not possible to be all sweetness and light to someone or someones who have treated you badly, it takes time to rebuild bridges and your partner is an arse for expecting you to just forgive and forget.

I can't see why they aren't happy with just starting off with you being civil and seeing where it goes from there.

Unless they're expecting you to pretend as though nothing has happened?

It'd be a bit weird if you did to me.

You going out and getting her favorite crisps and chocolate smacks of him trying to make you apologise, why would he force the issue until it went as far as a huge argument.

Small things I suppose which some people might tell you to just get over and get on with it, but you are trying to by agreeing to go over.

Maybe your DH is saying that if you have decided to go that it'd probably be better to do it with 'good grace', and I can kind of see what he means, galling as that is

more details needed but from what i've read, if it was me i would go over and be civil on the ferge of friendly depending on whats happened between us. there's only so long you can hold a grudge, sometimes its just easier to just get on with it and make it a thing of the past.

Sometimes it's not so much holding a grudge against the person nat, but knowing what that person's like and not being able to stomach their twatishness eccentricities.

SIL has never worked. I started working which she resented. Once I started working, DH and I started to pay more bills. I would leave at 7.30am and be home at 8pm. SIL resented the fact that she had to cook everyday. So MIL had me cook on Tuesday's and make three days dinner in one night! So once coming home at 8, I would be in the kitchen till after 12!

SIL didn't like me having a lie in on the weekends I wasn't working. So 9am would be the latest I was allowed to get up.

When she stopped talking to me all together, she would snatch things out of my hand, barge past me instead of saying excuse me.

When I said to her that when I come home you should tell me what's needs to be done so I can help out, she responded with ' you have a mum already and I'm not going to act as your second mum!'

When we tried to discuss our problems, I told SIL and DH brother that I was diagnosed with depression and some things were hard, I was told so what, we all have problems!

There's so many petty things, but I think there's only so much you can keep trying and then you reach a point where you say enough. But DH thinks IABU and should keep trying

Arrrggghhh, about to really lose my temper at DH

I would say are you OK jubbli, but it looks like you're not.

What's your DH up to?

Are you OK?

jubbli, do you have to go on the visit?

can you stay in a hotel if you do have to go?

i don't think YABU

It would seem highly probable that your SIL was jealous of you and, as I suspect that nothing much will have changed in that respect, I would suggest you hold on to these thoughts:

1. When you moved out of the toxic house, you moved out from under.

1. When you moved abroad, you moved to a non-toxic lifestyle.

1. You are now safely out of reach of any toxicity and the past has no power to poison your present.

When you go back to visit your dh's family presumably your status will be that of an honoured guest and, as such, you should expect to be feted. Start as you mean to go on; smile graciously at all around you and, other than the common courtesy of making your bed, keeping your room tidy etc, don't lift a finger - and certainly don't start cooking/cleaning for the masses.

As for the crisps/chocs, buy them in bulk with glee and give them to the greedy bitch your SIL while delighting in the knowledge that a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.

If, on your visit, you feel that it is getting a bit too much for you and that you're going to lose it and come out with some home truths, take a look at your return ticket and count the days, or invent go out to meet friends that you've promised to visit. Or sound off here!

Arrrrggghhh! Just lost my whole post!!

Sorry was trying to calm down after shouting match with DH. After promising me that he wouldn't ask me to try any more he does. His brother and SIL are being nice to him, and he forgets everything so quickly

I'm so tired of being the one who does everything as she is told, and still is in the wrong.

I wish I could stay in a hotel. As the time to go cones closer I can feel myself getting more and more nervous.

Izzy, I love your thinking

OP, are you asian? If so, I totally GET this scenario and it STINKS!

But Jubbli, please don't ruin your own (precious) relationship with your DH because of these very common issues many of us have with the in laws. I know, I know, she sounds like a right cow, but seriously, you moved abroad, you've got the personal freedom that she presumably hasn't as she's still living with the In Laws, and you will be the guest daughter in law - sounds like alot in your favour there. As for the favourite chocs and crisps, just buy them! Its a tradition to be buying favourite items as gifts when you go to visit from another country, isn't it? Well it is in my family anyway. Just be glad its only cheap chocolates and crisps and that she doesn't have more of an acquired and expensive taste

Oh, and don't let this argument with your DH over her build up into anything more while visiting family - if I've judged her type correctly, nothing will please her more.

Lol spareroomsleeper how did you guess I'm Asian?!

I just wish DH would grow a pair of balls and stop being such a mug! He wants happy families, but at what cost?

We're already taking loads of clothes and toys for her DDs. And chocolates and other things. But he wants to take her favorites, she hasn't asked for them, so why bother?

As Sleeper has intimated, you are going back as the victor. YOU WON!! YOU ARE THE WINNER AND SHE IS THE LOSER!! You got the hell out and are having a fabulous life with DH while SIL's still stuck in the rut with BIL.

Big yourself up and be extra attentive and loving to your DH when you go back to visit his family to rub her nose in it show your SIL that, whatever dirty tricks and pettiness she stoops to, she's never going to bring you down to her level or have a detrimental effect on your marriage.

Jubbli, come on...Huge extended family all living together, issues with SIL's, MIL's seeing the need to batch cook , DH's who try to keep the peace at any cost, buying (compulsory) gifts for family when visiting...how can that not be asian? It's just not possible in a million years, is it.

I think you should give your DH a break. He's not the one you have an issue with, its your SIL and do not let it poisen your relationship (been there, done that, got the t-shirt, verdict: not worth it). I can see why he's trying to be so positive; you guys live abroad and you're going to visit his family home for a short while. I'm pretty sure he's just as nervous as you keeping in mind all the history of tension and issues that you went through while living there. What is the point of travelling all that way and then leaving with more bitter memories, you and the ones left behind?

Are you by any chance feeling a tiny bit jealous that your DH has ( very sweetly) remembered which chocs and crisps are her faves, and is wanting to take her them? Come on now, be honest

Oh dear, I think I've upset the OP

Can I add, I would be a little jealous if my DH remembered anyone elses favourite chocolate and crisps, especially if it was someone who wasn't very nice to me but then i am abit of a jealous cow so sorry if ive said too much in my post earlier

Lol not I'm not offended! I couldn't connect to mumsnet. But you made me chuckle.

I think I'm more put out than jealous. As my SIL is a moody mare with a face like a wet weekend in most days...lol

I know it is hard for DH, and he is a great DH. But it can be hard when this topic comes up and it does put a strain on our relationship. I wish he could see that they haven't changed. MIL and FIL complain about her behaviour in the house. They now live the way that she wants things done.

Maybe you are right , and I can take ( a little) advantage if being a guest in the house!!

When you go back to visit it may be that you're dh will see that they haven't changed? How long will your visit last, and will you be staying entirely with your ILs or will you spend time with your family/friends?

If this your first visit since you moved away, you'll need to set a precedent for all future sojourns - make sure you set the Gold Standard when taking advantage of your new status!

Good luck, and I cannot stress enough from personal experience - do not let this put a strain on your relationship. If I had a pound for every heated row I had with DH over family, I'd be a bloody rich woman. I finally decided one day that DH and I would never talk about family when we were alone - not a word. And it honestly worked. Enjoy your stay and do let report back on how the visit went/is going!

Thanks izzywhizzy and spareroomsleeper. you guys have made me feel like I can face this and maybe get things back on track with DH.

I think rubbing her nose in it might just be what the doctor has ordered! Maybe it's time to play her at her own game. How much fun will that be?!

Thanks guys!!

What we may now think of as being a peculiarly Asian way of ordering family life is not dissimilar to how the majority of the population of the UK lived until WW2.

Prior to the recent phenomenon of the 'nuclear family', multiple related family members - parents/siblings/aunts/uncles/cousins etc - lived under the same roof or within a short distance of the matriarchs/patriarchs of the family.

The struggles and tensions that occur within the microcosm of the family is reflected in the macrocosm of society as a whole, and the tyranny of both is well-documented.

Unlike many others, OP, you are fortunate in having 'escaped' the tyranny of your dh's family - and the fact that he was willing to break away is very much in your favour.

You can see his family's faults in unforgiving technicolour but, given that you no longer have to live with them, you can afford to be magnaminous; let your dh to keep his illusions and don't allow them to sour your marriage.

O nooooo - how could I, how did I? 'you're dh'

Just blame predictive text or spell check!!