To be upset, angry peed off at (D)H

[jubblicious]

I've written on this board before about how I don't get along with DHs brother and SIL. We all, including MIL and FIL lived together. After a year and half of prOblems between me and SIL and a huge arguement in the house we decided to move out.

As a result, SIL and his brother became more and more petty. We have now moved abroad.

We're going home for a visit soon, and DH brother and SIL have decided that an effort should be made to get on. I'm having a hard time moving past everything that has been said and done. My health suffered while living there and was diagnosed with chronic fatigue and depression.

DH think I should move past everything and be nice to her, even though we haven't spoken in over a year. I have said I can be civil and that's it. I can't promise anymore.

DH wants to take her favourite crisps and chocolate and I told him to buy it himself. Which caused a huge argument.

He is accusing me of being negative and not wanting to try.and that he won't cut himself off from his family for me. I've never asked him to do this, but I have asked him to understand how hard this is for me.

Oh yes, kill her with kindness. Maybe you can gift wrap the chocolates, and present them sweetly to her. Hopefully it will annoy her so much she will not enjoy them?
If she says "Oh, I don't like these anymore" or something, you can giggle inside knowing you spoiled her treat. But keep smiling, and try and not talk with her. Do not let her know your true feelings. Focus on his parents.

Practice smiling while flicking an elastic against your wrist. By the time you visit, you will be able to smile through natural childbirth of triplets.
Not your husbands fault, I agree with that, he is probably very anxious to have a nice visit.

"I don't want to win the fight, I just want to make it right"-A Perfect Word

Why not let him go on his own, or you stay with other family friends? It sounds like a right bloody nightmare.

If you do go, do as the others suggest - fuck all not too much and act like the guest you are

Enjoy winding her up when no one else is around

Could you gently remind your DH of all the things she did to upset you, how this made you feel, and what changes you made to accommodate her? If you take the heat out I'm pretty sure your DH will get it. If he doesn't (I hate myself a little for saying this) then I find crying makes my DH take something much more seriously.

Keep dropping hints to SIL about how good/fulfilling your career is and how your relationship with DH has improved nw you have a whole place to have sex in every room to yourselves. :o

You have won, you know.

Go back and be sooo gracious to her. Kill with kindness. She'll know what you're doing! And make sure you get the odd dig in, especially with reference to her still living with the inlaws. You've moved on, she hasn't.

'Oh, you're still using that old thing! How sweet!'

'Oh, you still do X? What fun for you!

'Oh, I'd forgotten all about this chair/teaset/bedspread. I can't believe so little has changed, it's like going back in time!'

Etc. etc.

She'll HATE it. Most of anything she will hate the feeling that you don't care anymore, that she has no power to anger you, that she is unimportant.

Lol thanks for the advice! I am preparing myself with things to say and to 'politely' rub her face in it!

I'm going back as a guest in the house and maybe I'll act as one! I hate acting petty, but sometimes you need to give others a taste of their own medicine!!

Can I swear??!!

H has now pissed me off that I want to tellhim to go and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. I wig I could leave the stupid

Twat here with his family.

So SIL and I don't get on. I have done everything H has asked me to do, and it's still not enough. She isn't talking to me only through my H. So I'm getting pissed off at her and can't be arsed to be a doormat and keeping pretending to be nice.

H, in all his ugly, stupid, idiotic glory has made it seem to be my fault. That I'm still not trying hard enough, I should be over our problems, and the fact SIL isn't talking to me is my fault as I 'personally' didn't give her the gifts, he had to do it. So it shows how I'm not trying. So H is only happy if I agree to go out with them, smile and keep trying with SIL and basically be a suck to her. Can I rant about what a twat my H is? Why, can't he understand me? And maybe, just maybe realize I'm his wife and maybe more of priority. The stupid wanker. Sorry for the swearing.

Of course, you swear away when your DH isn't showing you the loyalty he should be.

Would SIL really be happy with you kowtowing to her when she knows it's through gritted teeth? Or will she get off on that?

It just makes me wonder what's going through their minds when they tell you how you're expected to behave.

You probably don't think there'd be any value in it, but do you feel able to sit down and talk to her about your differences and try to clear the air? Perhaps with an independent person who knows the situation well mediating.

Are you there at the min?

Here at the moment. It's only me and H in the house at the moment. So we have spent the evening in separate rooms as a result of this.

We have tried to sit down and talk but it ends badly. I'm not vocal enough and end up looking like the bad one.

I'm hurt by H, I always thought he understood me. But he doesn't. And now I have puffy eyes

How long have you got to endure this visit?

Where are your parents/siblngs - can you visit them? Do you have a friend who may be having an emergency and desperately needs you to stay for a few days?

If desperate, feign illness. There's lots of nasty bugs going round at the moment and taking to your bed and spending lots of time in the loo could provide you with a few days respite - plus you'll have the pleasure of 'talking' to your sil by saying to dh 'please tell dsil that the food she so lovingly prepared for us has made me vomit', then clutch your mouth and run from the room....

Come on now, you're not stuck with the rellies from hell for the duration. Tthink mumsnet thoughts while being gushingly polite to sil and all concerned, and you'll get through it.

Yeah, I think YAB a bit U. What's it going to cost you to be civil if they are willing to be civil first? You don't live with them and are only visiting. And you should think the crisps and things are gifts for the whole family. I am sure its not only your sil or bil's favorite but other family members too.

I think your sister should've stopped being a passive aggressive biatch and talked you instead of the petty actions. She could've also told you nicely what cleaning she hasn't gotten to so that you can help.

Knowing Asian pils, they expect their dil to most of the cooking and house cleaning. If she was jealous, it was that you got away with not helping around the house because your work. See it this way, she cooks and cleans for her family, the pil, and for you and your DH and your DC (if you had kids at this time) everyday. She just wants a break and have you share a bit of the burden. Your MIL had you cook one day only. Why didn't you comprise and cook on Sunday night instead of week night?

Just because you work, nobody gets excuse from doing chores around the house. I assume that since you and your DH have lived alone and both are working, you expect him to help you with the housework too, right?

I thought Asian parents didn't like lie in on weekends? My Asian friend always talks about her parents getting her up by 9 am every Saturday and Sunday because it was a sign of laziness to sleep beyond that. Yeah, she moved out as quickly as she can. Her sil, on the other hand, is stuck so she wakes up, makes breakfast, and then goes for a nap. That's what my friend's parents expected: their roof, their rules.

OOps, guess I missed seeing the second page.

Here's my advice to you. Suck it up. Asian family dynamics are weird. Slights are seen as massive insults. Not taking your shoes off could set off WWW3, am I right? You are only visiting for a few days.

Let her play her childish game if she wants to. Consult with your mil instead of her about things that you can help around the house as a gesture of goodwill to them not your sil. Your mil is the "woman of the house" because she's older.

Also, maybe your sil resents the fact that she's stuck with the pils while you and your DH are scot free to do whatever you want but she and the bil can't. As a result, she is acting extremely petty.

Thank your lucky stars that you are not in the situation of living with the pils.

Again, Suck it up and stop blaming your DH for not being loyal to you. He's making the best out of a bad situation. You should, too.

Sorry, I can't be more sympathetic.