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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very upset by my mother's behaviour?

72 replies

Sonearyetsofar · 12/08/2011 23:01

My dh and I have been renting for the last 2 years, due to not being able to afford the area that we want to live in.

Of course we'd love to buy rather than rent, but accept that finances are what they are, and like the house we are renting.

Anyway for the last 2 years my mother on a nearly weekly basis has moaned about the fact that we were renting and not owning our own home.

4 weeks ago she said she has the cash to give us effectively our inheritance early, and she would give us the difference to buy a house in this area.

3 weeks ago we found a house we loved, I asked her to come and see if she was happy with it. She loved the house, came back to our house, proceeded to tell the kids (who up until this point were in the dark about moving), how wonderful the house was and how much they would like it.

She told me to sort our mortgage out. We've done this in principle. She then phoned tonight and asked what was happening, and I said it's moving, but we need to know how much she is inputting. She said that she wasn't putting any money in and we'd have to fund it ourselves.

I am gutted, my dh is angry she's built our hopes up, and we've now got to tell the kids we can't afford it.

I honestly can't work out whether she does it out of spite, or whether she says things and thinks they are true at the time and then forgets she's said them, or whether she's some sort of amnesia where she forgets what she agrees to.

I can't believe any mother would go out to upset her daughter/grandchildren so much intentionally.

OP posts:

Mermaidspam · 13/08/2011 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 16:57

mermaid obviously she is telling her friend porkies. Its sad why people do this, if you don't want to give, don't offer, don't offer false promises which build people's hopes, than come crashing down when they don't deliver.

Mermaidspam · 13/08/2011 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2011 17:19

I now you said "I don't want to cut her out of my life." . but I just don't think I could be in the same room as this woman again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2011 17:19

now=know

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 17:58

I really don't know why when parents are really loaded like in the case of the op, they don't help their children out? It must be a British thing. I come from a Mediterranean family and its the norm if parents are able to, help with buying a house for their children. In the Greek culture, it is usual for the brides family to buy a newly married couple a house.

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 18:12

My dh (I am a STAHM) is saving to be able to help dd and soon to be dc out when they are older with Education or help with buying a house.

Jackaroo · 13/08/2011 18:25

OP - try googling "daughters of narcissistic mothers", my new favourite website; which probably makes me as mad as my mother. To the mners who sound so bemused/incredulous,i hate to shatter anyone illusions, but it might give you some idea of what mothers can be.

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 18:35

It is jackaroo I would do anything for my dd, if I could help her I would

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 19:54

Jackaroo I googled it. I think I used to have a friend with that. USED to.

janelikesjam · 13/08/2011 20:37

I have a mother who has behaved in a similar way in the past, so I have some feeling for what the OP says.

If it was me I would confront her actually, as I agree with poster who said she will have the skin of a rhinoserous - and you will have to spell it out how upsetting it was for you and your family.

It is best to choose a suitable time and place i.e. private, both sober, and in person (i.e. not on the phone). It can be very useful to have these conversations, if only to satisfy your own sanity as you hear what she says to justify herself.

Withdrawing might be useful too. Not necessarily cutting her off, unless you choose to, but making it clear if she behaves like that there are consequences.

What do you think, OP?

IggyPup · 13/08/2011 20:40

Your mum sounds a bit like my adult son. He is very giving, offers amazing generosity and then when thanked and it sinks in that he has actually offered to give away something he really really likes he then tries to back pedal and attach conditions to the offer.

As his mum and knowing him so well I can tell when he really means something and when he doesn't. I have told him that others will take him very seriously if he is telling them something they really want to hear. This trait has occasioned him to lose stuff/time/labour that on mature reflection he really needs or wants. He seems to get a high from others appreciation. He sure gets a low when he has to follow through. I think it may be a self confidence issue.

Maybe your mum has a similar issue but then has more neck than a jockey's bollox by denying her offers to help? Perhaps when she next offers you could remind her of this and ask her to clarify exactly what she is offering and what the conditions are. It is a low nasty trait to do this to you. For the sake of an honest relationship with your mother you may want to explore why she does this, what are her reasons?

I hope you sort it out, it would be good to have a great relationship with her.

microserf · 13/08/2011 20:59

for you OP.

i think MsAnnThroppy had the best handle on the situation. There is little to be gained by confronting your mother (esp since she has form). I'd just refuse to discuss the topic with her.

I also think it sounds like she has a personality disorder. You won't win trying to reason with her, or getting her to admit she made the offer. She won't, and you'll just be more upset. I have a similar situation with my mother. I know what she's like, and I know not to expect more from her as she isn't capable of it. Avoids disappointment, but it is quite sad.

A personal aside. My mum's proudly announced that she's leaving her substantial assets to charity... despite my siblings being below the poverty line. I don't need her money as we can manage, but I'm so sad that she won't give something to her own kids who work hard at low paying jobs, can't get ahead and will never be able to afford a house.

SageMist · 14/08/2011 08:16

Piglet, it may be a legal thing. There are tax implications if you give large amounts of money, while you are living, to other people (over £3,000 in a year I think).

OP, perhaps you could try suggesting some sort of contract with your mother. "I promise to invest 1/3rd of the purchase price of a house" sort of thing. Don't know if its actually feasible, but it might make her think twice about offering.

pigletmania · 14/08/2011 08:58

wellsage we went through the proper channels, and it was actually held in trust for me anyway

notmyproblem · 14/08/2011 11:05

ShoutyHamster great post.

Op, people can only make you feel bad if you let them. Stop letting your mother make you feel bad.

maypole1 · 14/08/2011 12:47

Same thing happened to us my oh father told us before the wedding after the honey moon we should call him for a down payment for a home we called the mortgage company looked for homes found something we liked and could afford.

We then rang his parents him mother scoffed and told us that she had no intention of helping us buy a home

I never seen my oh cry before that day

I think the thing thats hurts oh the most is they have done this for his 4 siblings including the youngest one who is only 24

So now we don't take anything off them, and like the others have said they just use any gift given as a stick in which to beat you with so its not worth it.

Op you are not alone big hugs

Original poster

Sonearyetsofar · 14/08/2011 14:44

Thank you for all the messages.

I am cross with myself for believing it, but will just go back to the knowledge, that we are happy where we are, and nothing lost, just back to where we were 4 weeks ago.

OP posts:

heleninahandcart · 14/08/2011 19:44

That's horrible behavior by your Mum OP. Do you think its attention seeking? Whilst it's promised she must be getting some glory from it. Or, maybe she's so loaded she just doesn't realise that this was potentially life changing for you? There again it could be that selective amnesia that many mothers seem to get when they want to re write their errors.

Kytti · 14/08/2011 19:50

She sounds mean. You should try to distance yourself. It's hard, but sometimes those closest to us are the worst. Just because you are her daughter does not mean you should be doting. You are allowed to not be close. If that upsets her, than tough. She's obviously upsetting you.

hiddenhome · 14/08/2011 20:11

I would tell her to wave bye, bye to her grandchildren and tell her you hope the money will keep her warm because you have absolutely no intention of going round there again. What she's done is abusive and she should be taught a lesson.

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 14/08/2011 20:22

what a horrible thing to do! Sounds like she gets a real kick out of playing mind games - has she done anything like this with your siblings? Does she have something against you?

I'd like to believe she's just clueless, because she is so wealthy that she genuinely doesn't grasp the concept of "I can't afford it" (I have friends like that, though on a smaller financial scale) - but I doubt it, I think she is just a cruel bitch. Sorry :(

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