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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very upset by my mother's behaviour?

72 replies

Sonearyetsofar · 12/08/2011 23:01

My dh and I have been renting for the last 2 years, due to not being able to afford the area that we want to live in.

Of course we'd love to buy rather than rent, but accept that finances are what they are, and like the house we are renting.

Anyway for the last 2 years my mother on a nearly weekly basis has moaned about the fact that we were renting and not owning our own home.

4 weeks ago she said she has the cash to give us effectively our inheritance early, and she would give us the difference to buy a house in this area.

3 weeks ago we found a house we loved, I asked her to come and see if she was happy with it. She loved the house, came back to our house, proceeded to tell the kids (who up until this point were in the dark about moving), how wonderful the house was and how much they would like it.

She told me to sort our mortgage out. We've done this in principle. She then phoned tonight and asked what was happening, and I said it's moving, but we need to know how much she is inputting. She said that she wasn't putting any money in and we'd have to fund it ourselves.

I am gutted, my dh is angry she's built our hopes up, and we've now got to tell the kids we can't afford it.

I honestly can't work out whether she does it out of spite, or whether she says things and thinks they are true at the time and then forgets she's said them, or whether she's some sort of amnesia where she forgets what she agrees to.

I can't believe any mother would go out to upset her daughter/grandchildren so much intentionally.

OP posts:
AvrilHeytch · 13/08/2011 07:28

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AvrilHeytch · 13/08/2011 07:34

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PhishFoodAddiction · 13/08/2011 08:06

YANBU that is so horrible.

I agree with PPs who have suggested distancing yourself from her.

Next time she offers anything either say no thanks or just smile and nod, but don't believe that she will come through for you.

rookiemater · 13/08/2011 08:18

I'm so sorry OP you all must be gutted. But as others have said think of it as a blessing in disguise, do you really want to be beholden to her?

Dozer · 13/08/2011 08:21

She has behaved badly, but imo ywbu to accept that much money from her. I don't understand the "inheritance early" thing. lots of people now in their 60s may live a long time and need money for themselves for doing stuff and/or care. Unless she's seriously loaded, it shouldn't be assumed that she won't need the money.

You were also being naive to get excited about a house before talking it through more thoroughly with her and thinking through the scenarios (eg was it a gift / loan, what would happen if, in future she needed money, tax and legal implications).

Personally I wouldn't want to be indebted to anyone for a house, even someone who didn't do stuff like this, would rather rent.

Original poster
Sonearyetsofar · 13/08/2011 08:41

We are talking she's seriously loaded.

Conversations over the past few months had gone along the lines of her phoning me up saying there is a house on the market for £x. And me saying that's nice, and she saying why can't you get it, and I said because that's twice what we can afford. This was said many times.

Then she phoned up and said if you can get to 2/3 of the price, I'll give you the remaining 1/3, but it'll come out of your share of any inheritance to you and your siblings.

Current figures we are talking about literally 1% of the inheritance.

I.e. wouldn't make her short in retirement, and also would be highly unlikely that we would have to sell the house to provide shae for siblings.

When I said I was checking the amount it was to see if we could offer higher.

She has already contacted me this morning about other properties, and got cross that I said we couldn't afford them without her injection.

I have no problem that we can't afford them, I don't want to cut her out of my life. But wish she would understand that I don't have her funds, and I'm not being difficult.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 13/08/2011 08:45

It sounds like she thinks you're lying about not being able to afford a house, which is really odd Confused. It seems like she was trying to trick you into buying a house thinking she would help you and then when she backed out you would be forced to go ahead with it anyway. She clearly doesn't understand that you just don't have the money to buy.

Is she very much concerned about what people think of her and her family? Is she "ashamed" that you don't own a house?

MsAnnThroppy · 13/08/2011 08:46

She may or may not be being deliberately cruel to you, OP, but the effect on you is no different. That she did things like the weekly moaning about your rental status and telling you to sort out your mortgage implies she wants to control you. If you want an ongoing relationship with her, you need to lay down some boundaries. Make it clear that her opinion on how you live your life is unwelcome and that you will no longer discuss your housing situation or any other such issues with her. You need to nip this in the bud. Your DC are now old enough to be hurt by her false promises, you need to protect them from her toxic influence.

Am very sorry for you, OP. House buying is about so much more than just bricks and mortar, it's hopes and dreams too. Having your hopes raised and then dashed is cruel whatever your personal feelings about inheritances (have to say I broadly agree with Dozer on this topic).

Claw3 · 13/08/2011 08:51

Tell her thanks for thinking of you, but there is no need for her to search for properties for you.

Georgimama · 13/08/2011 08:54

You just need to be very upfront with her. "Mum, you offered us the deposit to buy a house, and then changed your mind. You have every right to do that, but please don't pretend that you didn't actually make that offer in the first place or that changing your mind hasn't caused us huge disappointment. I'd prefer it if in the future you didn't make offers that you have no intention of following through on, particularly as it is upsetting for the children."

People like your mother have the hide of a rhinoceraus and you won't make her understand unless you spell things out to her repeatedly using words of one syllable as much as possible, because she doesn't want to understand.

NRGless · 13/08/2011 09:04

I don't think OP was BU for accepting the offer of cash from her mother to buy a house, it's her mother for crying out loud why would she say no? If my mother had a maternal bone in her body and felt the need to offer me money to get out of rented accommodation then I too would accept, it'd improve my family's life after all by having future security.
This woman sounds poisonous and sounds like she just wants to use OP as some sort of puppet.
I wouldn't suggest cutting her out of your life (despite the fact that I've cut mine out of my life and I've never been happier) as your DC will be affected but certainly distance yourself and don't get dragged into any more offers, no matter how small.
What a shit situation Sad

MsAnnThroppy · 13/08/2011 09:10

I don't know, Georgimama, I think you can talk until you are blue in the face to people like the OP's mother and they will never change. I imagine if the OP reminds her mother of the offer, the mother will carry on denying it was made and make the OP think she is the mad one. This won't be the end of it. I think the only thing the OP can do is to change her own behaviour wrt the mother and simply shut down any further discussion with a, "I'm not discussing this with you, Mother". Don't give her an opening, change the subject whenever she brings it up.

OP, if your mother was even remotely thinking about you and what's good for you and your family, she wouldn't be trying to railroad you into buying a house you can't afford. She is thinking about herself. I suggest you look up "personality disorder" and see if she ticks any of the boxes (if only to give you some tips on how to handle her).

KaraStarbuckThrace · 13/08/2011 09:14

Dozer - the OP did not assume her mother would not need the money - she did not ask for it, the mother offered it so it is safe to assume she could afford to do this and safeguard her future. So I think you are being a bit unfair there!
I hope to God that I would never be so cruel to my children, the way some of the other posters' parents have been Sad
My mum and dad would not hesitate to help out if they could afford to - in fact several years ago my mum loaned me the money to fix my car as I needed it to get to work, which I paid back straight away.
DH's parents are also of the same mindset and they have been in the position to give very generous no-strings-attached cash gifts to help both DH and DH's DB when they have been in a tight spot, as well as giving all the grandchildren a tidy sum for their savings accounts.
Both sets of parents also contributed (without being asked) towards our wedding - which we were fully prepared to fund ourselves.
Mine and DH's parents still feel responsible towards all their children even though some of us have homes and DCs of our own - something we are very grateful for and something we do not take for granted! Especially given other people's experiences of help Or lack thereof) from their families.
And when my children have grown and flown the nest they will always know that if they need help they only have to ask.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 09:29

That is seriously bizaar! Did you repeat to her what it was she said when she offered the money, word for word? Did she just deny it had every happened?

That is weird! What do you think is going on? Do you think she genuinely forgets or is being nasty?

Sewmuchtodo · 13/08/2011 10:06

OP you need to be very straight with her when she calls next time about houses.

Simply say could we stop having immaginary conversations about houses I simply can't afford as it is upsetting me, DH and thr children. If we could afford to move we would, but we can't and we have told you this so please let it go now!

She is being mean!

PenguinPatter · 13/08/2011 10:18

I'd agree with other posters about refusing to discuss the topic of houses with her - possibly just - we happy please leave it and change of subject.
Leaves no room for her to bring it up in another form.

I would say you need to talk to your DC and prepare them that promises made by your mother probably won't happen.

My bother got caught out by be such promises made by our grandparents- I knew the score so wasn't disappointed or surprised and was not in a position where I was relying on the money.

HPonEverything · 13/08/2011 10:22

That's shocking, I feel for you :(

But try and look on the positives - a lesson learned not to believe her in future, and also if she had 'funded' your house she would've felt like she had more of a say in how you ran it or what you did (e.g. if you wanted to sell it) which would've been basically one endless argument. See it as a lucky escape!

ShoutyHamster · 13/08/2011 10:24

You sound as if you aren't prepared to take her to task for her hideous behaviour on this - so she's going to keep treating you this way, I'm afraid.

She sounds a classic controller. You can only cut off that dynamic by refusing to be controlled. You could cut her out and tell her that you've had enough, that was the final straw, etc. You could make it clear to her how unacceptable that little trick was, that you know it was deliberate, and that from now on you expect the words 'buying a house' to never be said to you again - as soon as she does mention it, the phone goes down, if she continues to push, she will be cut out of your lives.

There are lots of other ways to take back the control here. You don't live with her, you don't rely on her. You don't have to take being treated like this. But your posts indicate that you DO and WILL CONTINUE TO take it. She's been on the phone again, this morning, doing the same thing, after this debacle? Why on earth didn't you slam the phone down?

That's the real problem you have. You won't change her - she sounds nasty, controlling, insecure. The only thing you can change is how you relate to her. If you can't imagine a situation where you say to her: 'Do that again, and it'll be the last you see of us. I am warning you.' - then you are stuffed, basically.

Nancy66 · 13/08/2011 10:50

I think you need to cut her out of your life for a while - not permanently but just to get some space between you both.

I would just tell her gently that what she did was very mean spirited and it's best that you don't have any contact for a while.

G1nger · 13/08/2011 10:58

Can you tell her once - just once - that you own the place you're in, and then if she ever comes back to it deny it? ;)

God, I didn't know people like this even existed. I hope you benefit from the advice that others here are able to give better than I can.

lilyliz · 13/08/2011 15:47

my mother used to do this to ,she let us all down so often we didn't fall for itThe best bits were her denials,she could have got an oscar and had us wondreing if we had misunderstood but of course we hadn't

LuceyLasstic · 13/08/2011 16:02

in any future offers, you will need to ask for the money upfront

SaffronCake · 13/08/2011 16:09

What price your soul?

Keep her at arms length, she's an emotional loose cannon and can be expected to fire many more shots into your kids if you don't.

Money is nothing without emotional stability.

She's treating you like a dog doing tricks for biscuits.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 16:10

It's just so weird! I've never heard anything so barmy before!

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 16:11

What a nasty woman! Really after that holiday insident I would have taken her offer with a pinch of salt. If that was my mum I would tell her how much she hurt me, and that making false promises when she cannot fulfill them is not on, especially to her grandkids how Sad. I was lucky that my mum promised me a very large sum towards our house which she gave and as a result have a lovely home that we could never afford without it. We are eternally grateful to her, and hope that we can do the same to our grandchildren.