To not tell MIL I'm being induced?

[rooks14]

If I were to go into labour naturally, the plan was for me and DP to go to the hospital, if I'm going to be admitted, phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!

I'm now 10 days overdue, and am going to be induced on sunday night. MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.

Do you think it's really unfair to not tell MIL I'm being induced on sunday? My mum is so calm and I know she'll be usefull and not over beariing, hence why she's staying for a few days! I was thinnking about getting DP to call her when I'm giong into the delivery suite, but it seems out of order that my mum will know and even though we know this far in advance it will be sunday, she won't find out till about an hour before?

[cricketballs]

As for the dps's wishes, if my DH were going to undergo medical treatment and requested certain things which might inconvenience me a bit but ultimately would assist him with his medical situation, damn right I would put his needs first!

so you would decide what was best for him then and do what YOU want rather than his wishes

[4madboys]

REALLY you tell both grandparents everything at exactly the same time?

there are certain things i tell my parents that i probably dont tell my mil and vice versa, for example, my mum is a nurse so if/when i have a health query regarding the children i PHONE my mother and ask her opinion and when ds1 had a problem with his testicles it was her i phoned and then went to the hospital as she advised, (she then knew he was in hospital and having emergeancy surgery) so at her request i kept her updated that night, the next morning. THEN the day after that when we were all home and recovering we called mil and told her about the drama, but there was NO point in her worrying unduly at the time, she found out what had happened and that her grandson was now well and recovering fine.

we luckily live an equal distance from both grandparents, but the probalby dont see them equal amounts of time etc, some times they see more of one, others more of another, they have an equally good relationship with both sets.

oh and my eldest son will more than likely need another operation on his private bits, again my mum knows as we sought advice and ds1 knows this however mil doesnt know this, as its private and ds1 doesnt want all in sundry knowing about his private parts (he is 11) is that unreasonable?

maybe its that simple the op doesnt want her mil to know that she is going to hospital to have someone access her cervix and insert gel etc, she doesnt want to share all that private information but she will let her know when the baby has arrived safely, the bit that mil NEEDS to know, not the progress of her cervix along the way!

[YellowDinosaur]

I totally don't buy into this 'everyone has equal rights' bullsht. And I am a mum of 2 boys so will be a mil in the future.

It is up to the pregnant woman who she wants to inform in this scenario. There is nothing wrong with her dp expressing preferences as to what happens / who is informed when, but at the end of the day the woman who is about to be having this baby has to be able to express what she needs in order that she is as relaxed and stress free at this time.

This is most likely to be her female relatives but if it was a friend / her in laws then it isn't important. What is important is that it is up to her. Like someone else has already pointed out, this includes excluding the babys dad from the delivery room if that is her wish. Having to worry about making everything equal and not upsetting anyone is nonsense and you just don't need this sort of bullsht when you are about to give birth. In the future I very much hope that my sons and dil tell me about stuff like this when THEY WANT TO and don't feel they have to tell me at the same time as my dils own mum if they don't want to.

The only proviso I would make in all of this is that there would be nothing wrong with him getting in touch with people HE needed for support during a difficult labour. Because at that point his feelings are important too and he may be able to better support his partner in labour if he has some support too.

[usualsuspect]

Actually its the norm on here to have toxic MILs

cue 500000000 posts telling you how much worse their MILS are

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Hahaha, cricketballs, are you for real? I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you read my post too fast to understand it! Chortle!

[Pudding2be]

At the end of the day, it's the op who is giving birth, not her DP

Therefore it's HER body and HER choice. If I she wants a labour which is stress free and has the full support of her DP without him having to update everybody every 10 minutes then that's HER choice

If her MIL would stay calm and not interfere/announce it to the world then she would have been told

Her DP is old enough to make his own decisions and for his mother not to assume because it's her GC she has an input - however I do believe that goes for both maternal and paternal GPs. They have had their children, it's time to back off and let them get on with it

Im due at the end of the month, and FWIW my mother decided that she was spending the first ten days at my house as I wouldn't be able to cope on my own. I have had to tell her no, because I want myself and DP to bond with the baby, and she would interfere with that as he would back off which is unfair on him

You have to do what's right for your new family, even if that means upsetting others

Good luck

[SuchProspects]

Cricketballs I don't think little of the dad and what he wants. I just think he doesn't have any rights and you specifically said "where does the dp rights come into this?". I think any decent relationship the people involved will be considering their partners desires. I certainly considered my DP's desires and went with what he wanted when I didn't think it would be detrimental to the birth.

But we're talking about an experience here that is completely one sided and where what is a desire for the father can be at odds with a need for the mother. Consequently, whatever the mother thinks will make the birth better is what should happen. I also think any grandparent-to-be who has an agenda at odds with that really doesn't deserve to be given much consideration.

[cricketballs]

"Because at that point his feelings are important too and he may be able to better support his partner in labour if he has some support too."

apparently on mn when someone is in labour the dp doesn't matter.....

[Mama5isalive]

i personally dont think -its unfair i think labour is a hard thing and can last for ages!!!!! your choice who is there to support you!
if you MIL rubs you up the wrong way, in your personal space, say the wrong thing to you, then you dont have to tell her nothing!!!!!! this aint "youtube" she doesnt have to be there, what for?????????????
i had this issue when i was having my child ( the only other person who has been before was my mum) but she passed away and it just didnt seem RIGHT to have another person ( who i would rather not see my lady bits)
so glad i went in labour early hours of the morning and he came in 45 mins so i never saw her until afterwards!!!!! so it worked out right for me and she would never know I had no intentions of having her with me! she not the warmest person anyway and recently has fallen out with me over a item she wanted and i said i wanted it!!!!!!!!!!!! do you believe the madness! 2 GC 9 would of been 3 recently MMC) i have given her and she vex over my property!!! so glad my DH is backing Me or it would be awful!!!!!!!!!

good luck and all the best with the birth of your child!!!!

[OhdearNigel]

"As for the dps's wishes, if my DH were going to undergo medical treatment and requested certain things which might inconvenience me a bit but ultimately would assist him with his medical situation, damn right I would put his needs first!"

So if your DH was having treatment for testicular cancer and asked you not to tell your mother I presume you would still tell her because she "has a right to know"

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

I think there are people on here who get on well with their MILs and have all the stress and drama with their mother instead.

It really winds me up when people post 'As a mother of boys...' and start talking about rights to know/be there. As a mother full stop I regard it as the right of the woman giving birth to have who they want present and as little stress as possible. That leads to a safer, happier birth. If that means they don't tell anyone until they're home with the baby so be it. And if she decides to tell the postman and not me I couldn't care less as long as it leads to a happy mother and healthy baby. Childbirth is not about the man. His stress levels do not have an impact on the progression of labour or the blood pressure of the baby.

[skinnymuffin]

Any mil worth her salt would understand and respect their dil's wishes ahead of a very personal, stressful, painful and potentially frightening experience.

I have a ds, if he has children one day I hope I remember I said that! :)

[girlywhirly]

I'm with the OP on this. If a relative or family member, whoever they are, are going to make a nuisance of themselves and raise the OP's blood pressure by harassing her for push by push details, they deserve to remain uninformed until the birth is over.

[anonymousbird]

I don't even need to read anything other than your heading.

YANBU. No one other than you and your partner need to know you are being induced and when.

End of.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Nigel - huh? I said: "As for the dps's wishes, if my DH were going to undergo medical treatment and requested certain things which might inconvenience me a bit but ultimately would assist him with his medical situation, damn right I would put his needs first!"

So if my DH asked me not to tell my mother (who, incidentally, is dead, but for the sake of argument let's pretend she's not...) about his impending op then I would put his needs first, not mine - i.e. NOT tell her. "His needs" = whatever he's told me that he needs. Is that clear now?

[OhdearNigel]

SG, sorry, have got a bit confused, my quote must have been misdirected as my point was directed at cricketball

[cricketballs]

"As for the dps's wishes, if my DH were going to undergo medical treatment and requested certain things which might inconvenience me a bit but ultimately would assist him with his medical situation, damn right I would put his needs first!"

So if your DH was having treatment for testicular cancer and asked you not to tell your mother I presume you would still tell her because she "has a right to know"

as my DH has had TC then I think that comparing TC and giving birth are so different from each other that it is making your argument daft.

A birth is about a new person coming into the world which is part one person and part the other which means that both parents have a vested interest and a right to give/receive information to whom they want to.

When my dh was dx with testicular cancer then it was just him and it was only his rights that had to be taken into account.

[4madboys]

yes both parents have rights but ultimately the WOMAN is going through labour, so that does make her wants/needs paramount?!

i cant believe all details are always divulged to both sets of granparents? after one of my births i had a lot of stitches that were rather uncomfortable and sore, my mother knew but i didnt tell my mil, and nor did dp, is that unreasonable or is it JUST information about the CHILDREN, in which case the mil will KNOW as soon as the baby is born, she doesnt need to know that labour is being induced as the baby isnt born yet and it may take days!

fingers crossed you go into labour before sunday anyway op xx

[SpeedyGonzalez]

No problem Nigel!

cricketballs - firstly, I hope your DH's cancer is well and truly gone.

Secondly, I think you're being deliberately obtuse here. It's not about comparing cancer with childbirth. It's about what's happening to somebody's body and mind and who gets ultimate say over it.

There is a good reason why the medical profession is legally bound to keep medical information private between doctor and patient (so long as the patient's state of health allows them to make decisions over their treatment, obviously), so I am amazed that you think that women giving birth deserve less respect. A woman giving birth requires as much peace, quiet and calm as she deems necessary, and nobody should ever threaten that - even to placate their whirlwind-producing mother (i.e. in this case, the MIL).

[OhdearNigel]

No, cricketballs, giving birth is about the woman giving birth and her desires. I believe that's why the woman delivering makes the birth plan, not the man.

And my analagy with TC was because it is an intensely private matter for most men that they probably don't want all and sundry to know, just like giving birth. I am, interestingly enough, able to identify that giving birth and testicular cancer are not the same thing

[cricketballs]

I am struggling to understand all of this I have never thought once to not let my mil know something that I had told my own mum (including having stitches after giving birth) she is a woman also so understood! I don't have the perfect mil and there are things that she does that do bloody annoy me but at the end of the day she is my dh's mum and as such is treated in the same way as my own mum (the clue is in the name mother-in-law)

but I concede that others don't feel like this and I just hope that your mil op is not hurt by you withholding information when she finds out that your mum knew hours before

[cricketballs]

speedy - he has been clear for a couple of years now thank you

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

No. A birth is about a woman going through a process that can be very frightening, undignified, painful and long, and often results in damage that needs stitching. I would have thought that any woman would respect the right of another woman to give birth without harassment, but there are some who don't, and any 'right to know' is forfeited as a result.

Maybe a little more focus on the 'Mother' part of MIL is needed. The person carrying the future grandchild is supposed to be family too. She's not just a womb on leg.

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

s

[4madboys]

maybe for some of us some things are PRIVATE, i have a good relationship with my mil, i see her more often than my own mother and we get on just fine, but she doesnt need to know my private medical issue, just like my OWN mother doesnt need to know all my private medical issues and if it came to it then dp wouldnt, tho i havent yet had anything that i wouldnt want him to know about.

great tell you mil about your stitches, your piles, whatever cricketballs, but dont EXPECT that everyone else should, these things are private for some people and they they dont have to tell ANYONE and that included their mil!

adn fwiw my mil wasnt bothered by not knowing, she was just happy to know once the baby arrived safely that we were both fine! asi will be when/if i ever have any grandchildren.