To not tell MIL I'm being induced?

[rooks14]

If I were to go into labour naturally, the plan was for me and DP to go to the hospital, if I'm going to be admitted, phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!

I'm now 10 days overdue, and am going to be induced on sunday night. MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.

Do you think it's really unfair to not tell MIL I'm being induced on sunday? My mum is so calm and I know she'll be usefull and not over beariing, hence why she's staying for a few days! I was thinnking about getting DP to call her when I'm giong into the delivery suite, but it seems out of order that my mum will know and even though we know this far in advance it will be sunday, she won't find out till about an hour before?

[OhdearNigel]

cricketballs, you are really lucky then. A lot of women don't have great relationships with their MILS, and even women that do find them severely tested in a first pregnancy/birth scenario. I have a great relationship with my MIL, have told her lots of things I would never dream of telling my own mother but she became very overbearing and interfering when I got pregnant and this was why I didn't want to tell her because it was a private matter between DH, me and the baby. I didn't want all and sundry to know I was in labour.
On a similar not I didn't tell my own mother for the same privacy reason but also because I knew she would be worried sick until she heard baby was safe.

Personally I can't understand this desire everyone seems to have to tell everyone all their business all the time. I blame facebook

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Great, glad to hear it, cricketballs.

And I second everything the others have said about relationships with MILs/ not telling all and sundry about one's private affairs, etc!

[4madboys]

adn cricket what if YOUR child wanted you to NOT tell your mil something, what if they had something private/medical, would you STILL tell your mil as its her grandchild, or would you do as i have done and respect my childs wishes that it is his and our concern and she has no need to know?

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

Not everyone is the same . Some of us wander naked from the shower in search of pants from the clean laundry pile. Others go into the bathroom unclean in pjs and emerge clean and dressed like Superman from a phone booth. Though not usually dressed like Superman. Some of us may have stood, breasts on view trying to get a baby to latch, whilst chatting to the postman. Others buy nursing tents. Not all mothers and MILs are the same either. Some people have ones who, on being told the baby was on the way, would start making food to take round and would offer to look after the other DCs. Others might grab their phone and head to the hospital, calling everyone they know on the way.

[TheSugarPlumFairy]

leaving aside the whole fair/unfair issue for a second i just wanted to point out that an induction will not necessarily be a quick thing. I was induced with DD and it took 4 days to get things going.

Inductions are usually conducted on a minimal intervention basis so at first they will give you a very low dose prostiglandin (sp?) pessary. If after 24 hours that hasnt worked they will give you a slightly higher dose one then wait another 24 hours. If that hasnt worked they might break your waters and get you doing laps of the labour ward. If still no luck they might put you on a synto drip. All of this could easily take up to 5 days. So telling your MIL about the induction before it has produced any results ( a sustained labour) might just be setting her up for a few days of extreme anxiety where she is unlikley to have much access to you or your bump/baby. While all this inducing is going on you are likley to be confined to the antenatal ward.

Maybe a middle ground would be to get your mum down when you go in for induction and then tell your MIL when a labour has actually been established.

[hadagutsfull]

I think YABU not to tell MIL that you are being induced on Sunday but tell her that you've arranged for your mum to pick her up en route to the hospital as planned after the birth etc. You don't need to fill her in on all the details and, as others have said, switch your/DPs phones off if necessary. Or maybe DP could just give her and your mother brief updates now and then.

It doesn't seem fair to me that your mother knows exactly what is happening and when and yet you're actively trying to keep MIL in the dark. It's her grandchild too. Good luck for Sunday!

[cricketballs]

Fortunately, my dc have a close relationship with both sets of go and have never requested information to be with held.

Just though I would add though to the earlier question about not informing mil when dx with TC; he never got the chance to say ad the first thing I did when we were told was phone my mum in tears! But it isn't something that would have crossed his mind not letting my parents know

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

How about if it were swapped around? If it were her mother who lived 20 minutes away and would be round the hospital like a shot and telling everyone she knew that labour had started? And the MIL was the one living 5 hours away who could be trusted to drive down and stay ay the house until called?

[cricketballs]

Excuse my spelling-bloody smart phone!

[WhereDidAllThePuffinsGo]

I assume if your Mum was a fussing worrier who would hassle you through labour, and your MIL was calm and helpful, you'd be telling MIL and keeping it quiet from Mum?

Thought so.

If one of my DS and their partners were having a baby and I later found out I had been kept in the dark when the other grandmother was informed, I would be wondering what it was about me that made them feel that they couldn't tell me. And once I'd worked it out I'd be apologising for my behaviour and trying to change. And if I chose to go off in a huff instead, I'd miss out even more, and it would be my own fault.

You are treating both of them the same - you're considering how they are likely to behave, based on experience of their behaviour, and deciding what and when to tell them on that basis. That IS treating them the same.

Good luck!

[WhereDidAllThePuffinsGo]

Ohh, I found one of the puffins! Hello Evenlessnarky ...

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

[anonymousbird]

i think YABU not letting your husbands mother know her child is about to become a father. i really really do.

How hilarious and ridiculous a comment.

The MIL ALREADY KNOWS her son is about to become a father!! Doesn't need a minute by minute update, it's a kind of inevitable what with the OP being overdue that a baby will most likely emerge fairly soon!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does she need to be any better informed than that?! Especially if she is a right old fuss pot!

Doh.

Really

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Puffins: "If one of my DS and their partners were having a baby and I later found out I had been kept in the dark when the other grandmother was informed, I would be wondering what it was about me that made them feel that they couldn't tell me. And once I'd worked it out I'd be apologising for my behaviour and trying to change. And if I chose to go off in a huff instead, I'd miss out even more, and it would be my own fault."

Sigh. You just don't get it, do you? I'm like you - this is exactly how I conduct myself when there's a problem. However, I'm guessing that this MIL most likely doesn't have the capacity for self-reflection, so if she finds out, she'll probably get upset about it but not bother asking herself whether she had anything to do with it.

Which, frankly, is childish!

[SpeedyGonzalez]

TSC - her mother needs to know because her mother is going to help out at the OP's house.

[ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne]

TSC the OP's mum is coming from London to Manchester?

"phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!"

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

I thought you meant me. This is annoying.

[4madboys]

my children ARE extremely close to their grandparents on both side, infact this week ds2 spent four days at mil, at his choosing, the boys take it in turns to do so (i would send them all at once but mil doenst think she could cope ) but that doesnt mean that they will want to tell them everything, ie when they have their first kiss when older, or girlfriend/boyfriend and their own private medical issues are just that private! it doesnt mean they are any less close!

ultimately a woman in labour doesnt have to tell ANYONE she doesnt even have to tell the father! once the baby is born of course its the dont thing to tell him that he is a father but if she was going into be induced she woudlnt have to tell him, or her own mother, or her inlaws or the postman, no one at all, that is her perogative as it is HER that is giving birth! simple

and cricket i am guessing you know your dh well and knew that he wouldnt be bothered, otherwise its generally the 'done' thing to CHECK with someone if they want you to tell other people about their medical issues.

fwiw my own mil knew BEFORE my own mother that i had been admitted to psych for pnp, purely because she happened to phone the night i was admitted, i wasnt bothered, i knew obviously that family would be told and that was fine, just as it is fine that my son chooses not to tell people about his medical issues (when he had his recent op on his testicles he told friends at school he had had a minor op on a hernia, that was HIS choice)

so basically it is up to every individual to disclose whatever personal information they want to and not to disclose other stuff if they dont want to, it doesnt matter if its a mother, father, inlaw or the postman, its their choice.

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

I think that it's more this particular woman than MILs. If my mother were like that I might not tell her. If my MIL were like the OP's mother, coming round to clean and get food in, I would definitely tell her.

[EssexGurl]

Not wanting to worry you, but when I was induced, it took 60 hours before DS actually arrived. There is this misconception that induction means speedy delivery. Not so in my case (or another friend of mine). I had to phone the hospital at the crack of dawn to check that I could go in that day - so no guarantee that the process would be started on the day advised. So, I wouldn't tell your MIL until things actually get started - might be longer than you had hoped and the last thing you need in these situations is the additional stress. Good luck and I hope your induction goes smoothly!!

[PrettyCandles]

Every time I have gone into labour we have called my parents at some point to let them know things have started, and have not called my ILs at all. With each birth dh phoned my parents first, and then his. I don't think we ever even discussed this - it seemed so obvious to us!

When you arrive, you can tell the labour ward that you do not want them to tell any callers anything, not even tell you that they have called. And switch off your mobiles.

[evenlessnarkypuffin]

Good luck for Sunday rooks14. Hope it all goes smoothly.