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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect visiting friends to help out when staying over?

67 replies

Maternelle · 12/08/2011 14:22

We have 3 DCs under 5, including DD2 who is 8 weeks.
Some friends who we haven't seen in over 5 years are visiting and they are not helping in the slightest. They don't even take their plate back to the kitchen!

DH is cooking 3 meals a day and we are tidying after them. I have tried throwing hints and even be a bit more directive, but nothing works.
I am totally fed up and will be saying something soon.
They live Down Under, so it would be a bit crap to fall out but I have enough on my plate as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maternelle · 12/08/2011 20:02

I love the volunteer concept. But tbh, this morning I was upstairs when they went for their walk, leaving everything out on the table.
They were here for 3 nights, and they will be back for 2 on Sunday.
I will say something about how tired i am and how I will need volunteers for stuff.

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 12/08/2011 20:44

Sounds like you are a very generous host, but perhaps making a rod for your own back. You can be polite and ask for help without it being rude. Don't make work for yourself eg laying the table for their breakfast is not necessary. You could just show guests where breakfast stuff is and ask them to stack the dishwasher when they're finished. Hard to change routine once you've started, would have been better to do that from Day 1. Next time you have guests staying I suggest you're a little more direct in what you'd like them to do. Instead of tidying away their dishes and feeling resentful, perhaps you could leave them on the table and at lunch time, say in a cheerful voice "Could you please clear the table" without having a go at them or pointing out it's just their dishes in the way

EssentialFattyAcid · 13/08/2011 09:41

Just give then jobs to do if they aren't volunteering.

Eg definitely ask them to clear the table when they return from their walk and stack the dishwasher

Also ask them to run errands, hang the washing, entertain the kids for a while.

Ask if either of them cooks a signature dish and if you could try it!

If not just explain that you are shattered with a newborn baby and would they mind organising supper one evening.

They are staying with you and pretty much have to fit in with what you say so don't sit back feeling taken advantage of, take back control!!!

kittensliveupstairs · 13/08/2011 09:50

Some people ignore requests. BiL and HHW came to stay with us when we lived in Switzerland.
I was working at the time and me and dH had given them our bed so we didn't disturb them when we got up.
Every day, I came home to bread which had been sliced for breakfast left out to go stale, ditto milk and cornflakes dried onto bowls. I asked them if they could at least rinse the bowls and put the stuff that could go off back in the fridge and only slice as much bread as they needed. I was accused of being a food nazi by him and only making that request because she is German (from the east) and possibly work for the Stasi.
I have had no contact with either freeloader for four years.
They are another couple who never even got DD as much as a chocolate raisin but were happy to drink my gin and eat my food.

marriedinwhite · 13/08/2011 09:52

When our children were small the DH's sister and her partner came to stay, oddly enough from down under. They were here for three weeks and treated the place like a five star hotel. Just like you I recall cooking a meal for them then going to do the children's baths and bed and when I came downstairs the table was left for me to clear up and they had gone out. They also left the guest bedroom filthy and hadn't even changed the sheets as I had asked half way through the trip; the clean ones were thrown into a corner of the room. We have a large house but we are not a fee hotel - they left four cans of Stella on the table as a thank you!. I would never have them stay for more than a few days now; and this has always rankled. I should have dealt with it more than 10 years ago but I didn't and it is a festering wart on family relations. Just be thankful they are friend of your DH (on of them) and not his ingrates relatives.

VictorGollancz · 13/08/2011 12:35

No you are bloody well NBU! I feel your dilemma, as I'm not sure I'd know what to say either. It's not something that happens very often, as anyone who stays at my place knows to muck in.

But more often than not, just a quick 'Can I help?' is enough to fulfil their guest 'obligations' - they usually get told to stay out of the way with a nice drink as I trash the kitchen and try not to set fire to anything! It's really, really unreasonable of anyone not to at least ask if they can help. My friend's got a pristine show home so I always ask rather than just wade in as I would do with others - and actually I don't think she's ever taken up the offer - but I would never not ask.

They are rude and you should lock them in the garden.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2011 12:42

Oh I would have had to say something about leaving all the dishes on the table.

I would have sent a text, "Hi X, you know you are welcome to stay here but please don't leave me your dirty dishes to deal with. As you know I have a very small baby and two other children; I don't want any more cleaning to do than I have to. We're your friends, not a hotel!"

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 12:51

Id leave there stuff on the breakfast table and not move it, then I would say to them can you clear the table please your stuff is still on it. It is clearly how they live at home.

I'd be in the kitchen and say can you bring your stuff out please I want to wash up.

I'd not let anybody be that lazy in my house.

ledkr · 13/08/2011 13:13

Im amazed that you aggreed to it with a new baby at all tbh.
My pil are exactly the same so i started to ignore mealtimes completely and they soon perked up and started helping. They still do the minimum possible but if their bellies are empty they move sharpish Grin
It does sound as if they have picked up the message now though.Keep it up,and also just casually mention what needs doing.

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2011 13:19

I'd be soooo tempted to greet them at the door with red spots all over all the DC and myself and say "so sorry, we've all come down with the pox, you'll have to stay somewhere else as we're entirely too sick to look after you as well".

That'd learn 'em.Grin

Journey · 13/08/2011 13:32

Agree with Fabbychic.

hairfullofsnakes · 13/08/2011 13:33

Omg how rude of them! If I ever stay anywhere i always help and chip in with meals - that is disgusting behaviour on their part. I would tell them where the nearest shop is so they can contribute

I am aghast at their rudeness. You are a saint to put up with them.

Salmotrutta · 13/08/2011 13:44

I agree with whoever it was that said "guests are like fish - they start to smell after 3 days".
Even the nice ones who do pitch in and have manners. Grin
And believe me I'm not an unsociable hermit but after a while it's sort of tiring having to "be on your best behaviour" all the time.
Sometimes you just want to vegetate and slob about but you can't really do that when you have guests .

moonstorm · 13/08/2011 16:36

I think it also depends on what they would expect - If you went to stay, would they expect you to do anything?

My family always treated guests with kid gloves. "You're the guest, the guest doesn't do a thing". I HATED this atitude, but it stemmed from the people who had guests staying. It also reversed to "I'm the guest, I shouldn't need to do a thing".

I have told my family that guests don't get invited back who don't help... it has made a difference.

So,I think that YANBU, but it may be what they have come to expect and think that everyone is the same...

gotolder · 13/08/2011 17:07

I always tell people that after an hour in my house, they are no longer "guests". This means that I don't expect them to always wait to be offered a cup of tea/coffee, but also that they are expected to "muck in".

This started when my DCs always had houseful of friends and I just did not have the time to answer the door every time they came and went, or to make drinks and snacks for them all: (there were "rules" about what they could/couldn't have).

This just developed into the general rule of one hour for everyone. We have had very few problems with visitors, be they here for an hour or a week. If they expect to behave like your visitors they would be given short shrift. The one hour rule can be ignored for new people, old people or anyone who has special needsGrin.

Original poster
Maternelle · 13/08/2011 17:49

Good to see that IANBU. Even DH who always has an excuse for his mates is flabbergasted.
Loads of single mates of DH have come to stay, some lazier than others, but I have never seen that level of taking the piss.

TBH I didn't chose the timing, I didn't even know until 2 weeks ago.
I like the idea of being in the kitchen and asking people to bring stuff. I shall do that with the "volunteer" thing.
It doesn't really matter now but am so shocked that anybody could be that bad. They will definitely not come back.

OP posts:
lachesis · 13/08/2011 17:54

Stop throwing hints! Tell them exactly what they need to do. If they don't, show them teh door. Simples.

LolaRennt · 13/08/2011 18:03

Cripes, I was going to say YWBU as I thought this was one of those thread where the OP thinks people should visit and look after her/her kids/tidying up etc.

But fuck me... these people are assholes. Actual smelly hairy assholes.

At the end of the meal just say X can you help DH with the tidying and Y can you help me with the baby... Don't get upset and mention that they have been previously disgusting. Just start now, it is not rude to ask for help and they seem offended tell them to fuck off out of your house it isn't a hotel

exoticfruits · 13/08/2011 18:11

Delegate-hand out the jobs.

MadamDeathstare · 13/08/2011 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2011 18:24

No, YANBU. To a point I can understand that they may feel unsure as to what to do and may assume that people with children have routines, rules etc that they don't understand and don't want to disrupt. When I stay with people I often feel nervous about putting things in the wrong places and generally mucking up. BUT surely anyone could muster a simple 'What can we do to help?'?

I second the 'volunteer' tactic. And agree that you don't need to bring up all their appallingly rude behaviour until now; just start with a clean slate. Good luck!

drcrab · 13/08/2011 18:29

Totally not unreasonable. If there's no takeaway around you can always get them to pick up some ready meals from the supermarket? Or tell them to pick up some things from the shop. Or suggest they could take you out for lunch (rather than dinner since that might clash with children's bedtimes). Do you think they might have tried to offer to help (via DH but he might have declined it as it's 'only polite'??).

My pil are like that. When I had a c-section, they came to visit and stayed for 2 nights. And throughout that time they left cups of tea everywhere, ate ready meals that we'd bought to prepare for not cooking for a while, and never replaced them. Only thing they did was hold DS for a max of 30 min as 'you are breastfeeding so we can't really help can we'??? Hmm

They declared that we were coping so very well so we didn't need any other help. WTF. Since then they've not stayed. Mostly because we only have a 2bedroom and now have a DD as well. They stay at a b&b now.

Original poster
Maternelle · 13/08/2011 18:38

No they haven't offered any help to DH either. He is even more pissed off than I am.
They might find the welcome a bit abrupt on Sunday :-)

OP posts:
Mummalish · 13/08/2011 19:37

I may (probably am) the minority here, but I love having houseguests, and I don't want them to help. I like treating people who come to my home, just as I would like to be treated in their home.

I always offer to help out when visiting others (I don't like to be a nuisance), but I have no issue with anyone just having a nice relaxing time when coming to mine, surely it's part of being someone's guest?

I know, I am odd!!!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2011 19:39

I can see where you're coming from, Mummalish, and I like to cook for guests and look after them a bit too, but I think there are limits. Putting spoilable things back in the fridge is a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned. And they haven't even asked if they can help.