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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be there when he gets his results?

34 replies

liveyourlife · 12/08/2011 11:32

My DH has the results of his scans soon, after having had a lump removed. Am I being unreasonable to want to be there when the results are given to him? He doesn't want me to be there as he'll call me afterwards if he needs me. I want to be there rather than be at work. I feel like I'm on a retainer to be called on if needed rather than his DW sharing this.

However, he goes ballistic if I'm not around when he calls, or if I don't stop what I'm doing at work to call him straight back (privately) when he does ring me. My work involves lots of other people and I can't always just drop everything, which is why I'd rather just not be there (at work). I know that work isn't my priority with this going on, but while I'm there I have to do a good job... AIBU???

And btw, I've tried to talk about it - a few times, but get shouted down every time.

OP posts:

JazzAnnNonMouse · 12/08/2011 11:34

Could you take the day off but respect his wishes and stay at home?

JazzAnnNonMouse · 12/08/2011 11:35

( I would want to be there too )

squeakytoy · 12/08/2011 11:37

Difficult one. I can understand you wanting to be with him, I can also understand he wants to hear the news on his own..

Can you explain to your bosses that you are expecting a very important call and will have to answer it immediately?

Meow75 · 12/08/2011 11:38

Wow - he wants his cake and to eat it, doesn't he?!?!

I would be inclined to tell him that he can't have it both ways. Either you are "permitted" to be there for him or you are not, in which case you focus fully on what you are doing - whether that is work or having coffee with your best mate.

What a princess!!!

FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 11:40

Take the day off and be at home. Tell him you won't be able to concentrate at work anyway, so you might as well be at home getting some jobs done, and this way you can go for a celebratory lunch afterwards (as it's bound to be good news) etc.

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 11:41

We went through this a couple of years ago. The shouting at you etc will just be his way of dealing with how scared he will be feeling about the results. In our case, my dh wanted me there but I would have understood if he didn't as he might of wanted to deal with it himself first if it was bad news.

The only thing I can suggest is like Jazz has said, take the day off work and wait by the phone, But also, allow you dh some room to come to terms with what he is going through in his own way (although I understand it is difficult and hurtful)

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 11:42

Meow75 - a bit harsh there!

lisad123 · 12/08/2011 11:43

Yes the anger is more to do with how his dealing with it. DH likes me tobe there for his results but can understand if he didnt too.
I would explain you would like to be there with him, but if not sit at home and wait.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 11:51

I can appreciate he is very worried, but he's also very rude. You can't just take calls at work whenever someone at home wants you to. Doesn't he understand that? What's his job, that makes him think people can do that?

Do you think that if it's bad news he thinks he will cope better on his own? If you start to cry it would make him less able to cope.

Meow75 · 12/08/2011 11:51

Cricket balls - think so?! Fair enough, but I think he's being a shit to his DW, and I could understand him kinda snapping at her once, but her description of how he's behaving means that I might have suggested he find someone else as a "sounding board" until afterwards.

Waiting on some serious medical results doesn't give someone carte blanche to be foul to everyone else.

skybluepearl · 12/08/2011 11:51

yes i think he has to choose - either he allows you to be there or he needs to be patient and wait for you to find and appropriate moment to call him back. Either way he has to reasonable

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 11:53

What are the tests for? Could it be a seriously bad result?

What would he say to you being in the hospital with him, but he goes in on his own to get the results?

(I feel like we are having to walk on eggshells around this man - is that how you feel, too, OP?)

nickelbabe · 12/08/2011 11:55

sorry, cricket, but I agree with Meow - i got prickels at this statement too: "he goes ballistic if I'm not around when he calls, or if I don't stop what I'm doing at work to call him straight back (privately) when he does ring me."

is this in general, OP, or just about this medical problem?

Andrewofgg · 12/08/2011 11:56

OP: I have been where he is. Let him cope his own way. Please.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/08/2011 11:57

"However, he goes ballistic if I'm not around when he calls ..."
"And btw, I've tried to talk about it - a few times, but get shouted down every time."

Is this behaviour restricted to the removal of this lump (in which case I'd see it as an expression of stress and fear) or more general (in which case it is something to be addressed)?

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 11:57

Yes, I agree, nickelbabe - that statement rang loud alarm bells.

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 12:00

Whilst I am not saying that this is right, isn't everyone at some point allowed to be foul especially at such a difficult time.

From what I read it sounds like he is really scared and the shouting at if she is not around when he calls sounds like he is scared of being on his own but doesn't know how to communicate this (from my experience its not seen as a 'manly' thing to admit to)

I really believe the best thing to do op is not to take it to heart but just be there for him when he needs you to be

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 12:05

I suppose it depends whether he's always been like this, or whether it's a manifestation of his stress.

Original poster

liveyourlife · 12/08/2011 13:11

Woah, didn't expect this - my very first post, I'm SO grateful to all of you.

Bit of background, though you all seem to have been quite intuitive.

Nickel - to your first question, yes, this is fairly general so I tend to let him know specifically when I'm not going to be contactable, where I'll be, who with etc.. and he won't let me go to the hospital. I've asked.

Imperial - yes, eggshells are on my floor... and he's always been like this. I've put a lot down to the current 'crisis' but it's actually deeper than that - it's funny how you all picking up on one comment (the ballistic bit) has made me think about how foul he can be. you get used to behaviour you would scream at your friends for accepting.

Cricket - I totally see what you're saying about his behaviour being because it's a difficult time, and being 'manly' certainly comes into it which I do understand, but this has all really made me sit up and think about other stuff as well. :(

I think I'll take all your advice about staying at home then at least I can control my own distractions when he calls and deal with the bigger picture when the results are in. Fingers crossed they're negative and they got it all first time round.

Andrew - hope you're ok now

thank you all again. This wasn't as scary as I thought it might be.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 13:16

Just out of interest, liveyourlife, are you able to get through to him when he's at work, whenever you like? It seems an incredible imposition, to expect you to be able to speak to him whilst at work. Usually that's reserved for emergency situations, isn't it?

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 13:17

And would he be happier if you stayed at home all the time?

Sorry, just so many questions to ask!

Original poster

liveyourlife · 12/08/2011 13:24

Imperial - I can pretty much get hold of him, but that's just the nature of what he does. there are times when I haven't been able to but there's just been a shrug of the shoulders when I've mentioned it, no big deal, but then I don't think it's a big deal because he's at work.

And yes, probably he would be happier - out of 'harms' way!

OP posts:

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 13:28

is it TC by any chance? This might be the reason why the 'manly' issues are really at the forefront at the moment. Although if this is his usual behaviour, then once this crisis is over you may need to think about the whole situation. My thoughts are with you xxx

Original poster

liveyourlife · 12/08/2011 13:32

Cricket. Sadly it is 'usual' behaviour, but maybe I'm really noticing it now with everything going on. You're right though, I need to do some serious thinking, but not right now. Thank you for your kindness.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 13:35

No, I'd say now wasn't the time to rethink the relationship, but it's inevitable in the future when you do think long and hard about it, that this will come up in your thoughts.

I hope his test results are good.

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