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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel suffocated by too-kind attentions of 'helicopter' DP?

35 replies

lastupenda · 11/08/2011 22:26

I'm divorced (3 years ago) and was lucky enough to find a great new DP who seemed a dream come true...fell madly in love...only to find him getting possessive, minding if I don't pick up the phone, wanting to know what I'm doing all the time. Then he started making friends of all my FB friends, discussing me with my mates, and inviting my old mates over to see me when I go to his. Feel like I can't see my friends alone any more. I live North, he lives South...I went to London for a night without telling him and he was furious even though I wasn't specifically hiding it. But he wants to get married! Has his own kids, I have mine and don't want a 'blended' family.
I just want someone to go out on nice dates with: full stop. Had enough control in my life from the XH. Have I turned nasty in my singlehood?

OP posts:
mouthwash7 · 11/08/2011 22:29

Think I'd run a mile now while you still can. You can go to London whenever you like, as a grown woman, you don't need to tell him - just so it's clear. (I had an ex like this and gradually you get drawn in and start questioning yourself). You are not nasty at all. You do not owe this man anything.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2011 22:32

Tell him to take a hike

He sounds like a creep

squeakytoy · 11/08/2011 22:34

He isnt a "DP", if he was you would be having more than dates with him, he is just a boyfriend. I think you need to make it clear to him.

He obviously doesnt realise that you just want an occasional date.

pictish · 11/08/2011 22:34

Urk! he sounds awful!

Clingy partners ick ick ick.

dementedma · 11/08/2011 22:34

run. run far and run fast

Tchootnika · 11/08/2011 22:34

YANBU - reading your OP made me feel claustrophobic.
YAB slightly U to think you may be being U (IYSWIM).
Are you one of those very nice people who are much more concerned about making everyone happy and not rocking the boat than you are about maintaining your own happiness?

BirdOfPassage · 11/08/2011 22:36

You're not nasty, but he sounds like he wants something very different from a relationship than you do. This is a good time to find out.

RockOnMrs · 11/08/2011 22:39

Ugh, please leave the relationship now while you still can. He sounds controlling, insecure and this will only get worse.

mouthwash7 · 11/08/2011 22:39

Kindness can be a terrible curse. It caused me to stay with a possessive type for a long time. One day I woke up and thought - someone needs to look after this man - but why should it be me! Have never looked back.

JockTamsonsBairns · 11/08/2011 22:43

Oh God. Please step away from this now while it's still relatively easy to do so. There are so many flags being raised here, and I say this as someone who spent my 20's married to a controlling abuser. My ex-H seemed like a dream partner at first too, and I was convinced I was 'madly in love' - I guess that's why I tolerated all the crap that gradually seeped into the relationship.

It's not about turning nasty in your singlehood, but more about knowing what behaviour you won't put up with in a partner. Sounds like this chancer has crossed your boundaries already. Run for the hills, and breathe a huge sigh of relief when you get there.

Tchootnika · 11/08/2011 22:45

Well said, Jock

Lucyinthepie · 11/08/2011 22:46

"I went to London for a night without telling him and he was furious even though I wasn't specifically hiding it."
Well, what was kind about that?
You said your ex was controlling, can't you see that this one is too? He's a controlling creep, get out while you can would be my advice.

pigletmania · 11/08/2011 22:48

I agree, I would end this now while its relatively new. You both want different things, and he sounds very controlling

pictish · 11/08/2011 22:53

You want a guy who is independant and easy going OP.
Someone who has other things going on in his life besides you.

evenlessnarkypuffin · 11/08/2011 22:54

I can understand that he might have been looking at it as the start of something serious whereas you just wanted someone to date, but:

' Then he started making friends of all my FB friends, discussing me with my mates, and inviting my old mates over to see me when I go to his.'

Shock If I went to see a boyfriend and found out he'd invited my old friends around - who he'd never met - it would freak the crap out of me.

Lucyinthepie · 11/08/2011 22:59

I'd have shown him the door when he started on his gossiping with my friends, or definitely when I found him inviting my old friends round. Have you worked out that he's not being kind yet?

pigletmania · 11/08/2011 23:00

does sound scary, yes get out while you can

Katisha · 11/08/2011 23:11

Seriously - many red flags here.

Original poster
lastupenda · 13/08/2011 05:12

Thank you, oh you sense-talkers. You're confirming my worst fears, here.

"Are you one of those very nice people who are much more concerned about making everyone happy and not rocking the boat than you are about maintaining your own happiness?"

Tchootnika - you got it. It's an old problem and I'm trying to kick it (lived with a narcissist who I didn't realise was one until it was way too late and am still struggling with the consequences), but the short answer's yes.
Think I've come out of one long-term abusive relationship, fallen into what appeared to be the antidote - and find I haven't got any judgment left. Feel like I'm going nuts. This one isn't a narcissist, as he has loads of empathy...UNLESS he's faking it...he seems so loving and attentive, but it's needy, controlling, codependent, even - too much all the time. I'm suspicious of where it's going, and now all your reactions just confirmed I'm not just a neurotic commitmentphobe or sthg.

JockTamson - boundaries: eek, I know. Pictish - nail on the head: someone who has 'other stuff going on besides [me]'...he does have but he makes sure I don't. Katisha - yup, totally red flagsville.

It sounds, on paper, so obvious - it was even obvious when I was writing my post - that it's freaking me out and I'm clearly not being assertive enough, but I have so far tried to end the relationship about eight times and he's convinced me every time I'm wrong.

This is how it goes: he will whimper and send flowers and letters and (because he can actually be good company - this is why I can't see him as a 'creep'), he will somehow convince me I'm damaged and slightly deranged and don't know my own mind. He'll have lovely chats with my kids on the phone. Then I will feel bad, monstrous, even - a sort of bitter and twisted divorcee harridan type who will never be able to have a relationship again - and before too long, if I'm not careful, I'll be caught off my guard, miss having someone to have dinner with and cave in again...

I have to stop being such a flake and go down the total NC route. Strict NC and nights out with girlfriends is the way to go.

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 13/08/2011 05:28

He sounds v. controlling, it will only get worse.

ZZZenAgain · 13/08/2011 06:31

no you're not nasty. He is insecure and if he's in love, he's hanging on like heck. I'd find it claustrophic. I just don't know if people like this eventually get reassured and calm down or if they are not more the type who are likely to get violent at some stage..

maybe you could cool it right down for a bit. Obviously he'd totally freak but you'd see his real colours

ZZZenAgain · 13/08/2011 06:32

ok I've just seen that he tries to convince you that you are damaged and deranged if you draw away from him

That's a big no. That's not good

Finallygotaroundtoit · 13/08/2011 07:05

' He'll have lovely chats with my kids on the phone'

How dare he involve your dc Shock Angry

Get rid now before he causes any more damage!

exoticfruits · 13/08/2011 07:12

Run a mile! You have seen the warning signs and you do not need this man in your life-your DCsmost definitely don't.

exoticfruits · 13/08/2011 07:14

If you don't get out you really will begin to think that you are 'the nasty one'-you are not so don't give him the chance to give you that position.