To be annoyed with my Husband

[Megastar]

I am a mother of two DS is 3 and DD is only 4 months old. My husband calls me the other day from work to say he wants to 'sort out' his sailing dates for September and initially said he will be away Mon, Wed, thurs, Fri and late back on sat night, Thats ok isn't it? I said not really as I will be on my own and he won't see the kids for practically a whole week. He seemed miffed and then later said that he will only now do Mon, Wed,Thurs and late back Friday as if he was doing me a favour.
Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he is not fussed about seeing the kids for that amount of time and thinking it's ok for him to go on holiday whilst I look after OUR children.
He has always done this trip but I stupidly thought that with now two kids he might give it up, especially as he knows that I am not exactly finding things easy with two children now.
I just feel that yet again my life has got turned on it's head and I have had to give up alot and he thinks he can carry on with no changes, He has even got into Triathlons since i fell pregnant and his training takes up alot of evenings and they are also taking up what I consider to be precious time with the kids at the weekend. He works in London so is supposed to be home 3 nights to bath the kids but at the mo that rarely happens.
Sorry for rant but just want to know if I am being unreasonable or not?

What about booking yourself into some sort of spa for a holiday?

Yanbu. Your dh is taking the piss.

YABabitU. We have 3 DC, 4,2 and 5 months My husband works away all week and next week he is going on a 7 day course, he has just been away skiing for a week, its not that he doesnt want to see the kids just that his work / hobbies take up a lot of time. Why would he cancel it if its something he does every year? Its not like its every week. I am the SAHM, therefore I look after the DC, however if I wanted to go away for a hobby or long weekend DH would take the week off or arrange for his DP to have them - no drama. I also think that things do change more for mums than dads but I like it like that.

megastar I wonder if both of you have been making assumptions a bit - he assumed he could go on his sailing trip as usual, your OP says that you "thought" he might give it up now that you have 2 kids. You may have told him that you are finding it hard, but did you tell him that you were expecting a change from previous years.

Your post of yesterday evening was very clear about the practical difficulties that you have being on your own with 2dc. Could you be as clear about it with your dh, and discuss with him how you can both think of ways to help sort that, both now, and when he is away on his sailing trip.

I totally understand that you want him to want to spend more of his time with your dc, but that is not something that you can control. Perhaps you dh imagines that you DO want to spend all your time with the dcs. If you focus on discussing the practical aspects, then you can both take equal responsibily for that (and put to one side, how each of you feel about it).

I would like to stick up for my husband a bit and say that if my husband doesn't get home during the week to help with bath time it is almost always to do with work, which I accept (although it doesn't make it any easier).
His training is done once kids are in bed as we ARE very lucky that my 4 month old has just recently started to go to bed at 7-7.30pm so our rule is you go out after that.
If he does get home then the max he sees the kids is 45mins before they are in bed which Isn't alot so that is why I feel the weekend should be quality time for him and the kids and for us as a family.
The only time I get stressed is when he wants to do a triathlon as that takes up a morning and I then have to get kids up on my own again, and selfishly I really look forward to the weekends to have another pair of hands to help out, otherwise it's just another day of the week!
My husband is a very good dad, but as he has never had to manage the kids and house on his own why would I expect him to understand? However I feel if I went away at this time it would be to prove a point not because I wanted to and would feel anxious about leaving the kids, not exactly a 'holiday'!!!!

I have a 5mth DD and a 2.5 yr DS and my DH decided to take up triathalon's, the first one when DD was 12 weeks, so I feel your pain.

What has worked for me has been to put it back onto DH all the time to come up with a practical solution, so he decided all his training would be when DS was asleep as I was unwilling to do solo childcare when he's not at work at the moment while they're both so small. If he wants to do a triathalon he has to arrange childcare I'm happy with to cover his share. Basically he is welcome to do what he wants as long as I am not disadvantaged in any way.

This has worked as I've never had to nag or complain so haven't sounded negative which means no arguing and as he has to arrange cover he sees what an inconvenience it is so is more appreciative. We have family local who can help out a lot though which makes all the difference.

That said it wouldn't even enter his head to suggest going away for 5 days, he knows I would explode.

Megastar, it is not selfish to expect help from your dh at the weekends. the children are 50% his, you know. He is not doing you a favour - joint responsibility for the dc when he is not at work should be the norm.

I'm not sure if he can be called a great dad, when he is spending 45 minutes per day with them and prefers to do his own thing at weekends rather than be with them. I'd say he sucks as a dad. It is one thing to not see much of your kids if you are working your arse off to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, but quite another to not see them because you prefer to spend lots of free time on your hobbies.

It's nice to have hobbies, I think they are quite important. But, there are a limited number of hours in a day and if you have to give up doing something because there is not enough time, the thing to give up is not time with your children.

YANBU to an extent. It is important that both parents have the opportunity to do their own thing, following their own passions, whether that be sailing, gym, whatever. But being taken for granted and to have it assumed that you will be fine about coping on your own for that time is unreasonable.

My DH has left me a golf widow. He plays every other weekend (he insists its for a few hours - yes but those 'few' hours happen to be right in the middle of the day meaning there is no time for family time either side) for a day, then has a couple of golf holidays (he would rename them 'breaks' as they are not holidays you know on top. My issue, which sounds similar to yours, is that it is assumed I'm fine to drop any plans I may have to look after DC. Plus one golf holiday has been extended by a day and he didn't even tell me, he was showing me an email and another about the golf holiday popped up and voila, he was caught! He is playing another golf day today and promised to take a day off in the week but is now saying that its only an extra day, why should he? Its the lack of truthfulness that irks me. I put my child first and don't think its unreasonable to expect DH to do the same. We never 'win' (hate to use that word but its become like that) against work (understandably) and golf (not understandable). We agreed a few months ago not to have another child; I have never been as committed to NOT having another as he was, and he is fully aware of this, but a couple of weeks ago we were wondering whether we had made the right decision and just discussing whether we were in the same mindset - when he admitted the real reason he didn't want another child was that it would undoubtedly interfere in his golf schedule and, I quote, 'I would rather not play at all than play less golf than I do at the minute'. I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off at the lack of honesty about a decision that is not just for right now, but for the long term?!!!

Anyway, sorry, I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I'm with you!

Honestly I wouldnt be bothered at all. I have a 4.8 year old and a twelve week old and dp went away for 3 nights when the smallest was 5 weeks old. Luckily hes an easy baby though, had he been like boy 1, this wouldnt have happened!

It depends how 'easy' your day to day is. Depends how old your kids are or how dependant you are on your dp. Every family dynamic is different, I kmow couples who have only spent one night away from each other in 5 years. I personally like the odd break. I think its good to miss one another sometimes.

tigersmummy, why do you put up with being such a low priority to your own husband? My response to the 'I would rather not play at all than play less golf than I do now,' would be 'I would rather have no husband at all than one who would rather play golf than be part of our family.'

Crikey tigersmummy - he doesn't want another child as it would interfere with his golf? Is that the only reason?

Am really cross with all this "it's important for both partners to be able to do their own thing" line of argument. IMO it's often used to justify one - or both - parties being selfish and not giving much time at all to their kids or relationship.

It seems to me that very often the difference between men and women is that women see their responsibilities eg work and the kids, and try and squeeze some me time in around that. If there's a problem withh the kids, we assume that our "me" time will have to slide

Many men see what they want to do ie work and hobbies and try and squeeze the kids in around that.

Men often assume the kids are looked after until they are informed otherwise. Women assume they can't to anything until the kids are sorted.

Different priorities. Different mind set. Which is why, when kids arrive, men seem to hold on to their hobbies and women hold on to the kids!

I realise this isn't always the case, but it seems to me it often is (and it was / is with my now exH)

Spot on CurrySPice - was having this exact conversation with a friend this morning.

Is this just a once-a-year trip OP? If so then I would say you're a bit unreasonable. If he's going off like this more frequently then maybe you have a point.

If you're feeling generally unsupported and struggling with an unfair load of parenting responsibilities, then I think that's what you need to raise with him. Don't make it all about this one sailing trip, focus on what your day to day life is like.

It may not be possible for him to always get home early from work when planned (this is unavoidable in some jobs) but maybe there are other ways he can help, e.g. taking on more of the childcare at the weekends to give you a break and allow him to be more involved with the children? I do think parents should be able to keep doing their hobbies, see their friends etc, but he can't expect his life to carry on exactly as before now he has a family, especially not at the expense of putting an excessive burden on you, that just isn't fair or reasonable.

The only way is to talk to him about how you're feeling and see if you can work something out together.

It's a theory I've been honing for some time Kat

I would just like to update, after meeting up with a friend at the weekend, who feels very much unsupported by her husband we have decided why should we not have time too.
We have now booked to go away for three days which our partners have to look after the kids. I am really nervous but very excited too.
My husbands initial response was shock, and a little annoyed and said only if it was over the weekend so he could go to his mums! No such luck due to my friends husbands work we have to do Mon to wed. In fairness he has now got over the shock and I think he is finally getting my point and has even offered to pay for the trip as my birthday pressie. Thanks for all the advice and support.

Haven't got to the end of the thread but would like to say IMO it is normal not to just be able to do all the things that you did pre-dc once you have children.

Presumably op and her dh made a joint decision to have dc and I don't think it us then unreasonable to assume joint care of dc will follow.

DP works. I'm sahm. They are our jobs. We are both on duty before he leaves the house to start his work and I stay in the house to start mine.

I 'clock off' when he walks though the door and then we jointly care for our dc.

DP loves playing football. When I was pg with dc4 he made the choice to stop playing for a season while the baby is little as he could see it would not be fair to leave me at home during training and matches with 4 dc.

Ds3 is 9 months now and dp is slowly starting to get back into football but I know that I could say don't go and he would be fine. He's been involved with a few charity matches and he has arranged childcare for the dc because it is him who wants to play.

His team have regular trips away and dp doesn't go on them because he puts his dc and me above going away. I have put my degree on hold for a while. They are the sacrifices you make when you are in a partnership and raising young children IMO. Tried very hard to not sound like a martyr there, not sure I've succeeded but we both know that when they are older we can do stuff again.