To be annoyed with my Husband

[Megastar]

I am a mother of two DS is 3 and DD is only 4 months old. My husband calls me the other day from work to say he wants to 'sort out' his sailing dates for September and initially said he will be away Mon, Wed, thurs, Fri and late back on sat night, Thats ok isn't it? I said not really as I will be on my own and he won't see the kids for practically a whole week. He seemed miffed and then later said that he will only now do Mon, Wed,Thurs and late back Friday as if he was doing me a favour.
Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he is not fussed about seeing the kids for that amount of time and thinking it's ok for him to go on holiday whilst I look after OUR children.
He has always done this trip but I stupidly thought that with now two kids he might give it up, especially as he knows that I am not exactly finding things easy with two children now.
I just feel that yet again my life has got turned on it's head and I have had to give up alot and he thinks he can carry on with no changes, He has even got into Triathlons since i fell pregnant and his training takes up alot of evenings and they are also taking up what I consider to be precious time with the kids at the weekend. He works in London so is supposed to be home 3 nights to bath the kids but at the mo that rarely happens.
Sorry for rant but just want to know if I am being unreasonable or not?

"That should go without saying clam"
Well, yes it should, but take a look at that other thread and you'll see that it doesn't appear to in a worrying number of households.

"This economic climate is not the best one for saying 'Sorry - have to go home early to bath the children' is it."
Although Nick Clegg seems to manage it!

I think it is reasonable to be upset that he doesn't want to spend his holdiay with the children/family- but you can't force him to want to - I would be really annoyed if he ended up without enough holiday to so family things. But it sounds like you are more annoyed that he has got outside intersets that he is pursuing and that you don't? what specifically have you given up since having the children - can you regain some of it?
You should schedule time for your self to do things and make sure DH is there- I think many people (particuarly men- sorry to be sexist) - find it easier/more understandable to think "i need to be home to look after the kids because DW is going out to do X" rather than "I need to be home to do bathtime even though DW is at home".
My DP struggles with the fact that I would like us to spend time as a family - he thinks that to a degree we should share out the time so that we each have time on our own and then time on own with DS.

That is alot more responses than I expected so thank you. There are some really valid points, Why can't I cope 4 days on my own, I honestly don't know but My patience has run out by 6pm most evenings and at the moment bath time is very stressful as both my children need me at exactly the same time, this I find very difficult and I hate the fact that I end up stroppy but It is made worse when I have expected help from DH and had a text to say he won't be home till late( this I completely understand as it is work) but it doesn't make it any easier to then deal with a distraught toddler who only wants his daddy!
Maybe I am still not in a great place emotionally as hormones still feel all over the place. I just don't know.
I did have pre-hobbies of going to the gym which has reduced to only twice a week (if Dh gets home) and only when kids are in bed. I supposed I just feel that my time to de-stress has been reduced and the week he is away I won't get to go at all.
The bit I suppose that always gets to me the most is there is never a discussion about whether he should go or not I am just told, same with the Triathlons. I feel he assumes it will be fine.
I find it hard that if you don't see much of your kids during the week shouldn't you want to spend as much time as you can at the weekends as it's only 2 days.
I just don't think sometimes he understands what it's like to be at home with the kids all week.
To those who said 'plenty of husbands are away all week working' well my response is that my husabnd agreed when we discussed having children that he would be home 3 times a week to help and I'm not the sort of person to have wanted children if I knew I had to do it alone.
I have thought about going away and leaving him with the kids but feel at this time it wouldn't be fair on the kids. My son is finding it hard enough to adjust to his sisters arrival without me disapearing.

I would just like to say that I completely understand when my husband can't get home because of work. I think it just boils down to the fact that I want him to WAnT be with the children in his spare time. I think for me once i get a bit of 'me' back, EG getting back to the gym, and going back to work maybe then I will feel better.

Megastar - I wouldn't feel at all bad about finding 4 days coping alone with a 5 month old and 3 year old very difficult. I'm surprised someone even asked that. With a 5 month I know I was still sleep deprived/ hormonal and not myself. While I'm not sure it's entirely reasonable I would have had exactly your reaction if DH had said he wanted to go away for 4 days.

I think the thing to try and remember is that looking after two by yourself won't always be that difficult - it is temporary - mine are now 2 and almost 3 and while I won't claim it's plain sailing (excuse the pun), it is so much easier than when the youngest was 5 months. I now wouldn't have (and haven't had) a problem with DH going and doing his own thing for a few days (as long as I also get the same time off and we don't both do it so much that it's to the exclusion of family time).

I think you need to talk to him rather than let the resentment build up. Not in a blamey venting type of way, but explain that you're finding it difficult (I'd say he is too which is why he wants some time to himself), you appreciate that you both need some time off to do things for yourselves, and would like to try and work out how you can both do this in a way that still leaves you time to spend as a family. It will get easier!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. And if you miss going to the gym because he has come home too late then I son think it unreasonable that you go instead the next evening he has planned to be out triathloning. Why should you miss your hobby due to his poor time management?

My 2 DC are a similar age and you really need to tell your DH that in terms of hobbies etc - now is not the time! It is exhausting day after day and yes, my patience has disappeared by 6pm - so I know how you feel and how important that evening role he agreed to is. YANBU. Work commitments I can understand - but triathlons?? ... and the sailing would be the final straw. For the time being, his spare time should be with you and the children. For heaven's sake, can't he even wait until next year?? Selfish.

I'd let him do the fitness and the sailing but would insist upon having some time just for myself and also putting kids to bed.

I's be asking how he is going to give you a break?

I wouldn't necessarily stop him from going, but I think it's time to discuss how much time in general he spends doing his own thing because it sounds like you're not happy. Have a conversation along the lines of .. 'How different do you feel your life is now you're a father? Really, the same? And me? Well...'

IMO it is important to maintain your own interests and lives when part of a couple/family, and separate holidays are fine AS LONG AS things are relatively equal and you have plenty of time together as a couple/family. And he needs to pull his weight with the kids.

it's the lack of balance and the assumption that you will pick up the child care whilst he is away that is the problem. did he not even ask whether it was ok?

i had to make it very plain that if h wanted to go out with his mates then he had to consult as I would be expected to do the evening solo rather than sharing the load. (it could not be returned after the hv recommended never leaving him alone with the children for safety reasons. so it is not always possible to just leave them to it. )

is he ever late on trialthlon training nights?

he needs to understand that parenting is shared and he has to take equal responsibility at weekends and in the evening as you have both been working in the day except you are not working as you are -sat on your backside all day watching daytime tv according to my h--

My DH used to be like that and had several time consuming hobbies, went on 4-day stag weekends regularly, and would just assume that I was there to provide 24/7 childcare whilst he did as he pleased most of the time.

The way I tackled it was letting him get on with it....but acting the same way myself. So I didn't complain when he went out all day on Saturday to play cricket, but I would then take the same amount of hours as "me" time on the Sunday, going out and meeting friends, going to the gym and leaving him to sort out the children. I had a couple of weekends away, and I started going out whenever I felt like it on a weekday evening, again leaving him to do bathtimes, bedtimes etc. He also had a habit of just disappearing up to the bedroom to play guitar, usually when I was cooking and needed him to watch our toddler, so I started disappearing upstairs and sitting on the bed reading again leaving him to look after the children.

I think the message must have got through to him as in the past 6 months he has been a lot better and doesn't pursue his hobbies as much as he did, and hasn't been on a stag weekend for ages.

OP, my advice would be, let him go, but make sure you get the time back as you-time once he's home.

I think it's time to have a discussion about all his hobbies. This sailing trip has always been on the calendar so is more acceptable, but the whole triathlon thing is taking the piss - I'd insist on equal time off (I started sport again so he got to look after the kids :o)

How long is the London commute OP? London working culture is to arrive later and leave later so getting back for bathtime is probably hard storiescand bed probably more practical.

I think he is taking the piss actually. So much with the holiday, but with his triathlon training. Dh decided a couple of months ago that he was going to start going to the gym bodybuilding 5 mornings a week at 6.30am. I said quite categorically, no you aren't sunshine, because I will then be left getting the kids up, dressed and to school every single day. We have now agreed that he will go 3 mornings and then on the other 2 days he will go in his lunch hour. The way I see it is that you are working the same hours as him, and when he finishes his day job he can merrily go off and do his own thing, leaving you at home STILL WORKING until what ever time he decides to come home. Looking after your kids while he works through the day is your job. Once he has finished work, looking after your kids is both of your responsibility so why should you be doing it and him not?

I'm with karma. YANBU. I don't think that everyone should have to jack in their interests once you have kids, but you have very young kids - a 4 month old and a 3 y.o., and are at a stage where you can feel exhausted & isolated. It's not unreasonable to expect that the man who is supposed to love and support you, who has also (one presumes) wanted this family, should provide practical support. I'd expect him to skip his annual sailing trip for one year. It'll hardly kill him. Spend the money and time on something you can do together; you say that he hardly sees the kids, so I expect it might be nice for you to have some time together as a couple, even if it's only an afternoon out whilst grandparents or a good mate has one or both of your DC.

...(because I'm making the assumption that you don't get much time together as a couple either - sorry if that wasn't clear).

We had a similar situation.

I could NEVER get him to be home more, and I got nowhere being a martyr.

So I started taking time off too. I did it fairly quickly after he'd go. SO when he went on a jolly with mates for 4 days, I would plan a trip on my own (spa, book, bliss) for a few days. I also allowed myself to spend as much on me (not kids, me) as he spent on himself.

I have taken up a hobby and sports activities for which he has to be home.

If I go away, I do not leave a fridge full of food and a clean house, there'll be some stuff but basically he is on his own. He then complained it was tough to do shopping with kids in tow (I KNOW!) and it's hard putting them both to bed on his own (I KNOW!) etc. He was a bit sheepish and has become a lot more helpful since.

So it was a good lesson, and a I now have a much more balanced life myself, going out more.

But all couples are different. Still, being a martyr got me nowhere. at all.

at people questioning why someone would find it hard to be alone for 4 days with a baby and a toddler. Is this Mumsnet or smugsnet fgs.Depends on the individual dc's really doesnt it? If you have good sleepers,eaters,a car,live near family and are in good health then maybe but who is that lucky?

I would be p'd off tbh but if he still did it i would certainly be planning my 5 days away afterwards. Go and stay with a friend or have weekend at a spa,sauce for the goose and all that.

I wouldnt have a problem with him going - just because he is a parent doent mean he has to give up everything. That would breed resentment.

he should go but you also need space to do whatever you want to do and he shoudl support you in that

It's sad in 2011 that childcare is still not valued. It's plain from so many threads on here that many men don't see being a SAHM as a job, they only value paid employment.

When they have to leave the house at stupid o'clock in the morning to fight their way through the wind, rain and snow to get to work, they see staying at home as the easy option. It's not!

It's our job to educate them! No-one else is going to do it.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to pursue his hobby, sailing, now he is a father. Parenthood shouldn't put paid to all your personal interests.

But you must make sure you do all the things you want to do, too!

I don't think that being a parent should mean that you stop your hobbies and interests. It is much better for the DCs to have interesting parents and good role models. It won't be long before you can share it and all go sailing.
I wouldn't have a problem with it-but you must make sure that you do what you want to do too. As soon as you finish bfeeding (if you are) leave him at home and do your own thing.

All good suggestions up this thread. I think it's good when partners have some separate hobbies and I would not go on a hiking trip with my DH (just 1 weekend a year), very glad that he can do that with other people. At the same time, DH makes sure I have time for my hobbies as well and that I can also take a weekend for my things. Stuff like this should be divided equally, alongside the family time!
Can you call him today and ask casually which dates in October would be good for your spa trip (annual from now on)? Then you can also tell him get home on time tonight, because you've booked a trainer at the gym tonight.