Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for even thinking about having another baby 'alone'??

37 replies

Shell85 · 09/08/2011 15:23

I have a 4 year old DS with my DH.
But I have pretty much been a single parent for his whole life as my DH is away 90% of the time with work.

When we got married DH promised that he was going to take a desk type of job, so that we could be together and have a family, but it never happened, in fact it got worse after I got pregnant with my DS.

I really want another baby, but I don't know if I can do it alone again.
I know DH has no intention of changing his job, no matter what he says. And it does make me really angry.
When we got married we agreed that we would have two children within a couple of years, I had a sister that was really close in age to me and it was great.
But it has been 4 and a half years since I had DS and I really want another baby.

Friends have said that I should wait until DH changes his job, but if I do that I will be waiting forever.

I just feel so torn.
What would you ladies do?

OP posts:
BustySinclair · 09/08/2011 15:24

do you have other support?

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/08/2011 15:28

I think there is a world of difference between having a largely absent but still contributing partner than really 'doing it alone'...

What does your partner want/feel about another child. Shouldn't it be a joint decision?

greycircles · 09/08/2011 15:28

I would have another baby. Can you afford any paid help? Your H might change his job a few years down the line.

greycircles · 09/08/2011 15:28

Oh, and I was going to say, even if he doesn't, your 4yo will be at school soon.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 15:30

I absolutely agree with you, Belle. It's not the same as bringing up a child alone.

FerretMum · 09/08/2011 15:30

Have you talked to DH about how you feel? Why has he carried on working away so much of the time? Is it because this kind of work is better paid?

GrownUpNow · 09/08/2011 15:31

I did it properly on my own (with no DP, from eght weeks gone), and whilst it is tough going, it's perfectly doable. What about you DPs involvement though, do you worry about the impact of them not being around much?

Original poster
Shell85 · 09/08/2011 15:56

When my DH is away we have pretty much no contact, at the moment it has been four months since we last spoke to each other.

I genuinely see myself as a single parent, my DH has little to no involvement in any of the day to day parenting, and has pretty much nothing to do with any parental decision making.
All by his own choice.
when he is home it is all about fun days out and 'quality' time, I am pretty sure that he has no idea what real day to day parenting is like.

He loves his job, it has nothing to do with the money, he just loves what he does.
And I know he has no intentions of giving it up.

My DS is perfect, he thinks his dad is a superhero.
I have no doubt that I have done a great job raising him, and I am frequently told that I have done.

I just worry because being on my own with one child is really different to being on your own with two children.

OP posts:
vegetariandumpling · 09/08/2011 16:04

Did you post recently about texting another man every day? Sorry if that wasn't you, but you don't sound like you're very happy in your marriage. Maybe you should work on that first. Surely your DH will have to retire eventually? What happens then?

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/08/2011 16:08

Sorry, but unless you're having to make every decision and you are completely responsible for the finances (including making the money) you have no idea what it's really like to be a single parent.

Again, you have not mentioned your DH's thoughts on another child. I think you should perhaps consider that?

QOD · 09/08/2011 16:08

Well, are you happy with your life and your marriage as it is? If so, andyou want to continue with this for your sons sake and your own future, then I wouldn't hesitate.
If you are unhappy, then think long and hard, being alone and just on maintenance or benefits would be very different. And yes, what does your husband say? and why don't you talk to each other? is he out of reach or just out of touch

pjmama · 09/08/2011 16:09

I find the fact that you haven't spoken to each other in four months actually quite shocking. Are you really happy in this marriage? It doesn't sound as though you're getting much out of it and he's abdicating himself from any real part in it? I'm not sure I would commit to a second baby under those circumstances, but only you know whether you're happy with your situation enough to bring another child into it.

LineRunner · 09/08/2011 16:24

You have no idea.

From an actual lone parent. Who works because she has to. Because the financial nightmare is REAL.

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 09/08/2011 17:23

You haven't SPOKEN to you husband in 4 months? That sounds completely mad. What does he do - is it a job where communcation is limited? Or is it a personal choice between the two of you? Do you email?

If you are receiving financial support from him, it isn't the same as being a lone parent. That doesn't mean it isn't hard for you though.

squeakytoy · 09/08/2011 17:29

You were busy chatting away and about to meet up with a stranger off a chat room a week or so ago Confused.

Dont have another child if your marriage is already on the rocks, that would be madness.

bonkers20 · 09/08/2011 17:31

When you say you haven't spoken to him in 4 months, have you had contact with each other? Email, letters, txts?

Spero · 09/08/2011 17:36

Don't have a child with a man you haven't spoken to in four months. I think it is unfair to the child. Why actively seek out this kind of situation?

And how is he going to impregnate you in any event??

Original poster
Shell85 · 09/08/2011 17:41

My marriage is not on the rocks, our relationship is fine.

My DH is special forces, so is unable to contact me for extended periods.
Which is why we haven't spoken in several months.

He says if I want a baby it's up to me 'since I will be looking after it most of the time'.
He has always said that he wants a big family, so he would be happy to have another baby.
But I have been putting it off because of the worry of doing it alone, again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell85 · 09/08/2011 17:44

And he is due to come home for a visit at the end of September, so if I wanted to I could try to conceive then.

OP posts:
SnapesMistress · 09/08/2011 18:10

If you live on an army base do you get support from the other parents left behind?

AlpinePony · 09/08/2011 18:19

I hate to be the one to bring it up, but is he on the level? I've dated marines, delta force, navy seals and legionnaires... only the legion are shit with comms. :(

swingingcat · 09/08/2011 18:23

I'm a wife of a soldier and have 3 DC my husband was around for conception and that was it.
We went 7 months with no contact and yes its hard but if it's what you want you'll get through it all!
Forces support is available if you want it. SSAFA, SureStart, ABF etc.

SlackSally · 09/08/2011 18:24

Belle, if, to be a single parent, one needs to be 'totally responsible for the finances', does that exclude single parents with rich exes who pay the mortgage, child support etc?

TrickyBiscuits · 09/08/2011 18:25

If you know that you are being true to yourself about the strengh of your relationship, and that you have some kind of support, then no, YANBU.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 09/08/2011 18:31

I was wondering that too, SlackSally.