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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for even thinking about having another baby 'alone'??

37 replies

Shell85 · 09/08/2011 15:23

I have a 4 year old DS with my DH.
But I have pretty much been a single parent for his whole life as my DH is away 90% of the time with work.

When we got married DH promised that he was going to take a desk type of job, so that we could be together and have a family, but it never happened, in fact it got worse after I got pregnant with my DS.

I really want another baby, but I don't know if I can do it alone again.
I know DH has no intention of changing his job, no matter what he says. And it does make me really angry.
When we got married we agreed that we would have two children within a couple of years, I had a sister that was really close in age to me and it was great.
But it has been 4 and a half years since I had DS and I really want another baby.

Friends have said that I should wait until DH changes his job, but if I do that I will be waiting forever.

I just feel so torn.
What would you ladies do?

OP posts:

downpipe · 09/08/2011 18:53

Even if your DH got another job,would he be doing much childcare day to day anyway?He might be out of the house 7-7, my DH is,some weekends too.Often the DCs are in bed when he gets home:this is not an uncommon situation amongst other families.I have 2 ,with a small age gap, and it's fine.I haven't found 2 that much harder than 1 and day to day you still take responsibility for their health, safety, behaviour, entertainment etc.I'm not for 1 minute suggesting that this is anything like being a single parent (I do understand,2 close friends are with no involvement from the dad at all) or like your situation where the DH is away for months at a time,but given that most young children are only up between these hours, in terms of childcare you may be doing it all yourself in the week anyway even if he was around.If you want another baby and your DH is in agreement and your marriage is fine,go for it.The perfect situation that you might wait for may in reality not be so very different to your current one.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/08/2011 19:45

If you haven't spoken to your husband in 4 months how are you going to have a baby with him? You know how they're made right?

scottishmummy · 09/08/2011 19:49

your marriage is in no fit state to have a baby
a baby wont fix or sort your malaise or loneliness
instead of 1 child alone you'll have 2 alone

LineRunner · 09/08/2011 19:52

Her husband isn't rich, he's in the army.

Malificence · 09/08/2011 19:56

Lots of women are married to men who are away for extended periods and manage to bring up children, my own DH was in the Airforce when we had DD -he was away in the Gulf for 6 months when she was a tiny baby - my DD's boyfriend has a dad who works in Africa for 4 months at a time and always has done, they have brought up 3 kids.

I've never met anyone who admits to civvies that their husband is Special forces though.

Malificence · 09/08/2011 19:59

OP, are you sure that's what he does, he's not a Walt is he?
Lots of Psycho Military fantasists out there who know all the lingo .

LineRunner · 09/08/2011 20:02

What happened with meeting up with the friend? Did that change the way you thought about things, or make no difference?

It sounds complicated.

scottishmummy · 09/08/2011 20:03

ok,see youve said milltary - i took it as absent workaholic.apologies
but be prepared for raise baby predominately you

Spero · 09/08/2011 20:51

It would have helped if you had made it clear why there was no communication. It sounded like your relationship was on the rocks. But if he would support you when he can and you want to do it, it shouldn't be too bad as your first will be at school. But hopefully you have some other kinds of support as it will be hard work.

BelleDameSansMerci · 10/08/2011 00:16

slacksally I was speaking from personal experience. I work full time and am single parent. I receive no benefits because I worked my arse off getting to my current position before having a child am lucky enough to have a good job. I make all the money; I make all the decisions; and I have to live with all the consequences.

I assume that those 'lucky' people who have split from wealthy partners are in the minority but perhaps they don't struggle in quite the same way. I bet it's still hard being alone though. Especially when smart arse people assume being a single parent is some kind of lifestyle choice.

QOD · 10/08/2011 16:21

Re the comment about people not telling others when their other half is special forces..... a friend of mine used to tell us her BF was in the SAS, we knew he was a medic in the army. NO ONE believed her, we all thought she was a boaster. Until I went to the SAS Headquarters in Hereford with her ... he was SAS indeed.
But EVERYONE knew - we did though live a long long way away from Hereford, she saw him periodically

TryLikingClarity · 10/08/2011 16:59

OP - your situation sounds very sad :(

I know someone in the army who got married while on leave, went back to the place he was deployed to a few days later and didn't live in the same house as his new wife until they'd been married for a year. It isn't an easy way of life.

What age are you? Is time ticking along for you, or are you just thinking of keeping a smallish age gap between the kids?

At the end of the day, there is no one who can tell you what to do. If you're able to cope with 2 when you're pretty much on your own then that's your choice. If you're doing this to fill an emotional need or to try to reach out to your DH then I'd think twice.

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