to consider moving because of what happened to dd (7)?

[helpmeplz]

A week ago my 7 year old told dh and i that our neighbours grandson had sexually abused her the day before. She is a very brave and confident girl and i think it was only because of that, that the incident was only a mild one. Basically the boy (14), asked her several times to touch his penis ( she refused) but he then masturbated in front of her untill (in her words) the white stuff came out. He asked her sexual questions also.
Now dd appears totally unscathed by this ordeal and is carrying on as if it never happened. I, however am a wreck. I appreciate that this event could have been far worse but for me it is bad enough to consider moving. I will give u a few more details.
Basically the boy has very mild autism, he attends a special school but has been given freedom to go where ever he wants on his own, including cycling the 3 miles from his house to his grandad. Since we moved here a year ago he has been so helpful, from fixing the girls bikes to mowing our lawn etc. There has never been any indication that he would do this.
His grandad is our landlord and lives righr next door, we share access and a front massive garden area (we have our own enclosedback garden but the acess goes righr past it and is only a waist high wire fence)
His parents ans grandparents are keeping him away at the moment but i dont know how long that can go on for, given the close relationship he has with his grandparents.
The incident itself happened at the bottom of our shared front garden, so everytime i step out the door i see the place and i cant get it out of my head. Should we just up sticks and move or is that teaching our kids to run away from their problems. The matter is being reviewed by the police but in the meantime i feel miserable in the home i used to love. Yet dd is happy. Am i blowing this out of proportion, should i just get over it and move on or move out. What would u. do? Sorrt its so long

You need to talk to someone. You can't go about feeling like this, it'll rub off on your kids even though you try to cover for it and it's affecting your marriage.

www.mosac.org.uk/
www.victimsupport.com/
familylives.org.uk/

Hermione if you want some professional advice and someone to act as an intermediary for you the NSPCC are good.

www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/help_and_advice_hub_wdh71748.html

Thank you saffron, I know it's not healthy I have tried many times to shake myself out of it. Even by trying to think my self as blessed because the incident wasn't as bad as it could be, but I just can't seem to get over it at the moment. I will check out those links. Thank you.

I would move. I couldn't stand seeing him on a regular basis and would not feel safe letting her outside again with him next door. I would think that it would be better for her to have a normally functioning mother than one who is constantly one edge and paranoid about her leaving the house.

helpmeplz For the moment the boy is being kept away and proper steps are being taken to investigate and deal with this matter.

I expect you are in shock (I would be) and your instinct is to get your dd as far away from the situation as possible. However, I think it is too soon to make such a big decision. You know that, an attempt to repeat the incident is extremely unlikely (hopefully for ever but at least for for a fair time) given that everyone is now fully aware of the problem. Therefore, I would take some time to work through your feelings and give your dd your continued support and the stability of her home and friends.

I wouldn't add the stress of a rushed move to what is already a difficult situation.

I agree with cheekytinker, in a few years time your dd is going to realise what exactly happened. When she does I imagine she would feel very differently that she had been living next door to him. I would move but not link it to this.
So sorry this has happened to your family

MOVE! This boy sounds like a real danger to children and I hope this situation is dealt with effectively as I really fear he will do this and more again.

Get as far away as possible x

"I am ashamed"

I'm going to say please don't feel ashamed, even though it's wont operate like a magic wand and change your feelings. Part of our job as parents is to raise strong, independant children who can face the whole of the world and to do that you can't keep them locked indoors. She was in your garden and you were keeping an eye on her, you would have heard her scream or shout, the only reason you didn't act immediately is because you daughter didn't recognise the situation for what is was (thankfully) and didn't do either.

Think about how good it is that having thought it over your daughter felt confident enough to tell you all about it. Think about how she is taking all this in her stride. You and your DH have obviously done a great job.

Entirely your call but I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone for all the reasons Saffron said, they might say don't rush into counselling while it's still raw and I'm sure they'll take their lead from you and your husband.

Best wishes again.

Hermione - can I ask you why haven't you gone to the police? Please do. Sc have let you down but you need to go to the police, please do it soon x

I think I would be inclined to move.

Not in a rush panic, but start looking and certainly dont link it to this awful incident.

For me as a mum of 2 DDs I would be as gutted as you are if something like this happend.

You are fortunate in that you dont own your home and so moving is not as difficult as it could be.

I would have 2 many ifs,buts and maybes going around in my head to stay there and know that the way I would be with letting DD out to play (even in the garden) would be very hard to do and ultimately by staying put - worry that my stresses would pass onto DD. Another thing I would be concerned about is the ongong relationship with the landlord - the boys Grandfather. With due respect to him and the family, they may well be happy to keep hom away at the moment but this is all very fresh and new. Everyone is probably reeling in someway from the shock and fall out from this, including your landlord. However, as time goes by and authorities involvement lessens or any potential charges are brought forward the relationship between you and your landlord could change or they may eventually start letting the boy come back to the house, and perhaps without even notifying you.

Also, another thing on the back of my mind is that some behaviours are picked up from other family members. This is not always the case but can be.

For me there would be too many doubts and worries playing on my mind. The fact that the landlord is the boys Grandfather makes it possible for repercussions of this event to be thrown up at any point in the future. If you move - that risk is gone.

Sorry to be so doom and gloom. I hope I have not added to your worries. I expect you have run through all possible scenarios anyway in your own mind.

Like I said, if you do decide to move, it does not have to be done in a rush to somewhere sub standard etc but I would certainly suggest starting to look around.

Good luck and I send my best wishes to you, your DD and your family.

Hairfullofsnakes-she has gone to the police, they then contacted SS, SS haven't let her down, the SW is coming out again.

Birds Snakes' response is directed at hermionestranger (see first response page 2), not the op.

Sorry, yes she should go to the police.

WyrdMother well said There is certainly no need to feel ashamed, you certainly can't keep dc on a ball and chain or wrap them in cotton wool if they are to become secure and independent adults. You could never have known this would happen ........unless of course you are a clairvoyant
Definately agree with others about using victim support, school nurse, sw and nspcc x
All our good wishes and I hope you find some peace and the right solution for your family x

I'm so sorry to hijack, I didn't go to the police because it never even dawned on me to be honest. My new baby was all of about 4 weeks old and my head was all over the place. It didn't help that my DH didn't really believe me and made me feel like I was making it up! It's only since we've, accidentally, met others who lived in this house/street that he can see it was the truth. We had a slightly blazing row about his attitude.

this is far far worse for you than for her

unfortunately alot of kids see wierd sexual shit growing up, I am sorry but they do! as your daughter grows up, she will realise what happended

you have been very very unlucky, and I am pleased the abuse was not worse

If you moved, I would not see it as running away

so sorry x

Hermione - you must tell police about this ASAP.
Please don't consider moving away (yet) because of this. It may be something you decide to do sooner or later, but it seems so unfair on your daughter, you and your family that you should have to go as if it is your problem. It's the problem of the boy who did it and the people who are supposed to be looking after him. Your family shouldn't have to run away from anything.
I can see that with the boy's grandfather as landlord this might be problematic, but his movements should be restricted, not your daughters - and she should know this: that she doesn't have to go away anywhere because of something that someone else has done that was in no way to do with her behaviour, and in no way her responsibility.
And what Wyrd has said is absolutely true and extremely important: you have nothing at all to be ashamed of. The fact that your daughter was able to tell you about this, and that you are taking it seriously and thinking carefully about what's best for her shows that you are putting her interests first. (The fact that your DH was sceptical about this won't have helped you - I think it may be this that makes you feel ashamed. Unfortunately this is what people tend to do when they're told about sexual abuse - because it's easier for them than it is to face up to it. It's not what you're doing though.)

Please to tell the police, and please see NSPCC advice.

Sorry to confuse you hermione and OP .
OP I still think you should wait before considering moving, though.

I wish you all the best, it is a really difficult situation and I really feel for you, I hope you can find a solution that works well and is as smoothe as possible for you all, good on your daughter, she must be an empowered girl to have been so able to speak it and know that it wasn't ok for him to do that, there are many girls and women who just feel afraid and to blame and that is horrible, sexuality can be such a strong energy when mismanaged and misunderstood and boys do need to know as soon as possible when they have behaved inappropriately, preferably as skillfully as possible so they can learn and understand, but that is not your problem, I really do wish you all the best.

I just wanted to be another voice of a victim to give you support. I would strongly suggest moving, my situation has similaritys to what happened to your daughter, except the teen was my uncle. and although I was fine at the time it was the realisation of what he had done mixed with him still being around that made me struggle to deal with it. It was when I became the same age as my uncle that I became the angry depressed teen I was, I couldnt understand how someone knowing what I did at my age could do something like that.

Your dd may be fine and not have issues, but IF she does (and I'm speaking from expiearience here) you and dh will be the ones she takes it out on. I was very angry with my parents for decisions and choices they made on my behalf, it took me becoming an adult to realise they did the best they knew how at the time. I'm very close to my mum now but its taken years of me being a confused brat. Unfortunately you cant parent from hindsight, but if your gut is questioning if you should move I'd say do it. You can only parent the best you know how.

YANBU- you need peace of mind and your dd will not benefit from staying there if she can grow up away from that type of behaviour. If you can move, yes why not? There are no prizes for staying put if it isn't good for you and your dd

Addictediam- thats one thing im worried about. I dont want her for one minute thinking that we didnt act in her best interests. Or resenting us in the future for not doing enough.

That is one of the hardest things about parenting!

No one can tell you what to do, and you don't know what she might think or feel or sau but in my case, that's exactly how I felt like they didn't do enough to protect me, they prioritsed everyone else over me. However in my case it would have meant taking 6 children away from their gps and taking us all away from aunts and uncles, which wouldn't have been fair.

Instead they set up a system where children werent on their own ever, uncle wasn't by himself around me or anyother child. But over time this relaxed and everyone forgot what had happened. But I never did.