to consider moving because of what happened to dd (7)?

[helpmeplz]

A week ago my 7 year old told dh and i that our neighbours grandson had sexually abused her the day before. She is a very brave and confident girl and i think it was only because of that, that the incident was only a mild one. Basically the boy (14), asked her several times to touch his penis ( she refused) but he then masturbated in front of her untill (in her words) the white stuff came out. He asked her sexual questions also.
Now dd appears totally unscathed by this ordeal and is carrying on as if it never happened. I, however am a wreck. I appreciate that this event could have been far worse but for me it is bad enough to consider moving. I will give u a few more details.
Basically the boy has very mild autism, he attends a special school but has been given freedom to go where ever he wants on his own, including cycling the 3 miles from his house to his grandad. Since we moved here a year ago he has been so helpful, from fixing the girls bikes to mowing our lawn etc. There has never been any indication that he would do this.
His grandad is our landlord and lives righr next door, we share access and a front massive garden area (we have our own enclosedback garden but the acess goes righr past it and is only a waist high wire fence)
His parents ans grandparents are keeping him away at the moment but i dont know how long that can go on for, given the close relationship he has with his grandparents.
The incident itself happened at the bottom of our shared front garden, so everytime i step out the door i see the place and i cant get it out of my head. Should we just up sticks and move or is that teaching our kids to run away from their problems. The matter is being reviewed by the police but in the meantime i feel miserable in the home i used to love. Yet dd is happy. Am i blowing this out of proportion, should i just get over it and move on or move out. What would u. do? Sorrt its so long

Hermione. I am so sorry, by sc do u mean social services? Did u get the police involved? Im really sorry for u, its a horrible feeling.

I would move. I think it's more likely to be undermining for kids to think thier parents didn't take them seriously about abuse than it is for them to feel punished by moving. She probably wont feel undermined now, but as she grows up and realises what happened she might wonder why you didn't remove him from your lives. I agree what other people said, move but present it as being for good reasons that she will like and approve of. Maybe even say "it's time we had a bigger house" or "it'd be lovely for you to be nearer your friends" and let your daughter (and any other kids) join in the house choosing. I think the boy making up excuses and telling her to keep it secret is a bad sign too, I think he knew it was wrong and did it anyway. I wouldn't trust him round her and I expect you wont from now on, so I'd keep my life simple and find a nicer house.

Hermione if you mean Social Care (Social Services by annother name) then it is the law that they MUST follow up all allegations of abuse. Get back onto them.

I really would move too. I couldn't imagine being in your position, and I'm so sad for you that your family is going through it, but I just don't think I could stay in that house, always wondering if the person who abused my child was right next door.

If you can move, do it for all your sakes.

Moving is not the easy decision believe me. When we found this house it was perfect for us a stones throw from school and surrounded by lots of her friends. Much bigger than anything else we could afford due to it needing a bit of redecoration and not only having a long twnancy but a landlord who will let us do anything we want with it. Trying to dress a move as being positive would be quite hard, it would be a sacrifice, and money is tight. However, we would do anything to make sure our little girl is happy.

Firstly I think I would be tempted to explain to her the facts - you say 7 is too young, but she will realise what happened one day, and it will appear that you lied. I have no suggestions how or even what to really tell her - but I would contemplate explaining about sperm, as matter-of-factly as possible - try not to get upset, but I really think she needs to know the basics at this point. If she associates this 'white stuff' as bad, what happens when she is grown up and (I'm trying so hard not to sound insensitive, please forgive me if I come across like that) she witnesses ejaculation in a 'normal' situation? Everyone is scared of their first time, but if you have something bad to associate it with, how much worse will it be? I think what I am trying to say (badly) is let her know that sex is not bad, it is the fact that this boy has done this TO her, iyswim? She is of an age where she will start hearing rumours from friends at school about where babies come from, and it wont take too long before she puts 2 and 2 together and works out what happened.

If its being investigated by the police, is the boy allowed anywhere near her? I would like to think not... It sounds like your DD is used to moving OP? If thats the case, I doubt she would relate the incident to moving house. And if that would give you peace of mind, I would go for it. However, maybe you could ask her? She sounds like a bright girl, I'd just be straight with her. Would there be any injuction or restraining order against him? I really don't know, but surely this could be a possibility?

I'm so, so sorry this has happened.

I feel for you and your poor child, she done the right thing in telling you.

Irrespective of his age and special needs what he has done is totally wrong and he needs to be punished for that.

Your daughter however does not need to be punished, by moving she may feel she is being punished. I do think that the boy will not be allowed any where near your daughter in the future, and should should ask the police that this be a condition of any bail/further court action.

Teach your daughter to talk to you about anything and teach her to distinguish what is acceptable and what is not. She has to be able to say stop it that is wrong Im telling my mother.

It is all so new right now and making a rash decision could be the wrong one to make.

We did ask our liason officer if an injuction would be granted and she said that it is very early on in the case but it is liely they wont grant one given the close relationship with his grandparents. But we just have to wait and see how the case develops.

Sheep i never really looked that far into her future, but i think u might be right. Id hate this to have a negative impact on her future relationships.

Would it be an option for you to go round and talk to the landlord about how best to continue this? I am sure they can see the sense in making sure that he is kept away from your daughter indefinately too. Perhaps if you went to them and said that as much as you hate the idea of moving you do need to know that he's not going to be out without a chaperone while at thier house, that they would be in complete agreement. After all the last thing they want for him is for him to be in any more trouble again. Try it maybe? A lot of problems end up inflated hugely through the great British reluctance to actually talk to our neighbours.

I just want to say thanku for all ur comments, although i may not have answered them all personally i am taking all of them on board. And by the varying responses it actually confirms it not easy either way really. There is so much to consider.

The issue of wether you should move or not is a tough one and I'm on the fence. I've read the rest of the thread quickly and cheekytinker made a good point about your daughter coming to a sudden understanding of what happened later on (I've had some experience of this) and freaking out, she might not of course, but just in case it might be wise to be forearmed. When you next see the Social Worker is it worth asking about some counselling for her, maybe not now while she isn't bothered, but later as she gets older and understands more? Also is it worth asking for some professional advice about how much you should explain right now? My DC is 8 and she knows the basics about sex/procreation and related feelings but explaining this would stump me.

So sorry this has happend to your daughter and family.

Saffron, we r on very good terms with our landlord. And although we havent spoken. to them about moving we have told them about our fears of him being allowed to roam freely around the property. They have both said they dont want him around at present and have sought independant advice from a social worker who has advised them to keep him away from the girls while he is going through puberty.
My fear is that as time passes they might relax their thoughts on this unless there is a legal requirement in place.

Wyrdmother, we have already asked about counselling and whilst the sw agreed she doesnt need it at the moment, she said we would be able to tap into it if needed in the future. I will speak to her more on wednesday about how much we should tell her and where we should go from here with it all.

Sorry this is happening.

No I wouldn't move in the context you described because:

• you live in a home you love, near lots of friends
• you have moved a lot recently
• most of all because your dd will pick up that what happened is so terrible that you need to escape from the area.

At that innocent age dd will only know how to respond to what happened by taking her cue form you. If you make it an awful and frightening issue - that is what it will be for her. If you respond to it as you have done already - that it was very wrong of the neighbour, it was serious, but that life goes on and she did nothing wrong at all , then she will absorb it as a learning experience and it will not scar her for life.

Keep talking about it as appropriate. Don't try to brush it away under the carpet and never ever let that neighbour's son anywhere near any child in your care. But respond to it by making her life stable, happy and secure not by creating another upheaval .

So sorry to hear about you and your dd . It is a difficult decision and only you know how you feel and how dd will be likely to react in future. I agree with the reasons given by everyone both for moving and for staying.
I think I would want to move too because if the boy visits regularly in future and in a couple of years leaves school he may be in a position to do this again, as there will come a time when it will be normal for your dd to walk to school without an adult. The grandparents sound sensible and I think it is good that they have taken this seriously and to some extent makes me wonder if it has happened before. Most family members would defend a relative in such a relationship to the hilt, yet they seemed to accept that your dd was being truthful without any question . I am not saying that she should not be believed by the way, just that blood is thicker than water iyswim.

Right so for now, however long now is, your daughter is safe and he's not going to be around. You fear this might all change tomorrow and I can see why, but in reality they are probably as disgusted and confused and keen to prevent it ever happening again as you are. Keep talking to them, the fact that you have a good relationship with them and are prepared to speak to them at all probably means a hell of a lot to them right now. If he's not allowed out alone at thier house then the problem is solved. It's only IF that changes that you might need to make changes too. The bottom line is he can't be in a positon to get alone with your children ever again. Right now Nan & Gramps have done the job for you, just keep the situation monitored.

I'd move. There's no reason for your daughter to link moving to this incident, since you've moved several times before. Easy to come up with another reason to move (closer to x, bigger kitchen, some feature just better in some way that is very important to you personally).

I would not see it as running away, just the sensible thing to do. It's the emotional attachment to a house that makes it a home, and this attachment has now been broken. It could as easily have been broken by a burst pipe bringing a ceiling down or persistent barking. Once broken it never comes back.

Saffron I agree Although my urge would be to move, there is too much to lose in terms of stability, friendships etc.

Personally -you need to move - not in a rush but definatly asap. After a period of time it will all go back to normal - the grandparents will possibly ''explain' away the incident and you will not be able to supervise your 7 year old every second of the day that she is outside ( and shouldn't have to !) As humans we normalise situations very quickly . And then it may just happen again and I personally would then not be able to forgive myself

Very glad that Social Worker and everyone is being helpful, how about for you and DH? It's great that your daughter is okay but of course you understand the full significance of what happened and I completely understand how this is affecting your feelings towards your home. Have you had a chance to discuss your feelings with your Social Worker? Victim Support (for example) helps not just the direct victim but friends and family also. I'm just wondering if your decision about moving would be easier if you had some insight about how you might feel further down the road (don't think I'm expressing this well but I hope you know what I mean).

Having thought a bit more my knee jerk reation is move... but it's a very tough decision. Best wishes for whatever you decide.

They might explain away the incident yes, it happens far too often. Sexual abuse is unexcusable in my book, but you;d be amazed how excusable it is when it's your own dear darling that did it. The human mind is just not set up to process such horrible clashes as "sexual abuse is unforgivable" and "my grandson committed sexual abuse". Where they exist you get cognitive disodance, which is just jargon for things that clash like hell. Where you get cognitive dissodance people find that quite without thier meaning to thier psychology bends the facts, it says things like "one more cake wont make any difference to my weight" or "he's only a kid himself". That's why you keep in with them, so you know where they're at. If they do drop all precautions it falls to the OP to do the protecting and chaperoning of her own kids until a house move can be arranged. Still living there does not mean the boy has to have access to the kids, it can be fixed so he doesn't, but obviously it can't be fixed that way forever and so IF he does come back (which no one can know for sure, probably not even the landlords really know that), that's when you need to go house hunting- subtly.

I don't want to hijack, but yes I do mean social services, through my health visitor as had a tiny new baby too at the time, he's still only 8 months now though and we're trapped in this stupid house until someone buys it and we can't afford to take a massive hit on it.

How I feel is another story altogether. I am immensely proud of how my dd conducted herself both during and after the incident. But it was me who let her go out and play, it was me that despite looking out the window every now and again failed to notice anything was wrong. as a parent you try everything you can to protect your children and I failed to do that in our own garden.
My mind has created images of the event which go round and round my head and I feel on edge that he could be back anytime even tho I have been told he won't (unreasonable I know). I worry what dd will remember and hope and pray she will forget completely. I love my dh but any sexual feelings have gone for now because I still have this thoughts in my head. I feel guilty for letting it happen and partly responsible. As a previous poster suggested I find it difficult to comprehend letting her out when she is old enough on her own as he could be lurking. I have had a bad headache since this started and feel exhausted and plain miserable at the moment. I have a really supportive dh who has taken time off work and is trying to keep me busy. (I need to busy).
My dd is obviously much stronger than I am, I am ashamed.

Hermione, I went straight to the police, it was them who contacted social services. Please, please go to the police. You shouldn't have to live like this.