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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children's table manners

60 replies

atosilis · 08/08/2011 14:19

My old university friend came to visit for a week this month with her 2 daughters (9 & 7). Every meal was a warzone. They couldn't use cutlery, every thing was picked up and eaten with fingers - after it had been sniffed. If they didn't like something they'd pretend to be sick and make gagging noises. Actually sitting didn't happen; kneeling, standing and fidgeting were the main activities. I could go on but I can't have her to stay with me again. AIBU?

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 08/08/2011 15:42

Actually, I always thought that not licking your knife was a safety thing! Elderly and almost blind FIL had a habit of licking his knife, and one day when we had steak I warned him about the steak knife being sharp. I caught him just in time during the meal, 'stop Dad, don't lick the knife!!!!' He had forgotten momentarily, although he remembered me saying about the sharp knife. DH cut his steak up for him and gave him a plain knife instead!!

kittensliveupstairs · 08/08/2011 15:51

YANBU. My DD has an awful lack of appetite and narrow range of food she will eat. What she does eat is eaten with cutlery.
We had some friends to stay for three years running. All three boys were unable to eat with cutlery. The eldest (now 14) makes an effort, he stabs a piece of meat then eats it off the fork (or knife) in bites like a burger.
I must admit both me and DD sit slack jawed at the display. Parents, both GP don't seem to notice or be bothered.

BunMyOven · 08/08/2011 16:08

I once left a first date early because the guy had such terrible table manners. It's really horrible and I agree, very lazy parenting. My 2 year old can use a fork & spoon and sit nicely fgs
OP, you were a saint to put up with it for a week - esp. the criticising of your food! Unbelievably rude!

worraliberty · 08/08/2011 16:11

When I first started posting here just after Christmas, the subject of children and table manners came up.

A poster in all seriousness said it was bad to teach young children table manners as it could lead to eating disorders?!?

Her children ate on the floor or wherever they happened to be sat playing...and even odder still, at least 4 or 5 people agreed with her.

Original poster

atosilis · 08/08/2011 16:11

We were meant to be going to my parents' but I explained to them and cancelled. Dad said "Good call"

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 08/08/2011 16:15

I wouldn't have them again. Parents have to realise that if they are too lazy to teach, and insist, on good table manners they won't get invited out. YANBU

IslaValargeone · 08/08/2011 16:29

My dad was always a stickler for good table manners. He said that he wanted me to be able to dine with kings, in the finest places in the world and always be confident that I knew how to hold a knife and fork, or know which knife to use. I've never dined with a king but I'm glad I would know what to do :o I have taught my dc the same thing.

Caz10 · 08/08/2011 16:36

Re the eating disorders thing- I think that may be a step too far, BUT I do know a couple of friends who have been told to try letting their dc eat picnic style, in front of tv or whatever, just to get something in without battles. At the toddler age I think it is a difficult balance between instilling manners while still keeping food/eating a positive thing and nothing stressful. However I doubt that is the case with the op!

girlywhirly · 08/08/2011 16:40

I guess you won't invite the family again, atosilis?

worraliberty, I suppose if you are obsessive about mess and wiping the DC's face and hands all the time they might conclude you don't want them to touch food, or even that you don't want them to eat. But positive remarks like 'please use your spoon' rather than 'don't eat it with your fingers' aren't in the least harmful.

I don't like to think about the state of the posters carpets, if their DC were eating there all the time.

worraliberty · 08/08/2011 16:47

This was just table manners in general. She was also against using the dining table if her kids didn't want to sit at it.

Each to their own and all that..I can understand how some parents are stricter than others..but to be afraid to teach manners at a table in case it caused an eating disorder, is akin to allowing kids to become overweight in case they become obsessed with being thin. That's something you often read on here too.

I suppose it's all about striking a balance.

sprogger · 08/08/2011 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5Foot5 · 08/08/2011 16:50

YANBU - totally unacceptable.

Just wondered how many others on here are old enough to remember a time when this would also have been picked up at school dinners too?

I went to a very small village primary and at lunch time we pushed the desks together in groups of four then had to lay the tables with little tablecloths, cutlery properly set out, water glasses and water jugs.

Lunch started with grace then everyone sat down together and was expected to behave reasonably at the table and not leave until everyone was finished and the teacher said it was OK to go.

This started right from the beginning of infants at age 4 or 5 and behaviour like the OP's friend's kids would not have been tolerated. I think any child who came from a home that didn't bother to teach them table manners would still have learnt them pretty damn quick at my school!

I guess with most schools going for cafeteria systems and packed lunches being more common then this sort of thing just doesn't happen anymore. Shame - it's a useful social skill and if the parents can't be arsed or don't know any better then it looks like there is nowhere else they learn it now.

worraliberty · 08/08/2011 16:51

I'd be inclined to treat her like a baby and tell her she'll be strapped in a buggy and spoon fed if she won't do as she's told at the age of 4.

But then again, there's probably some new fangled law against that

chasingthedevils · 08/08/2011 16:51

I wonder if there are any countrywide table manners now. Police eat on the sofa and tiny tables.

chasingthedevils · 08/08/2011 16:52

I meant PEOPLE......

worraliberty · 08/08/2011 16:53

I remember that 5foot5 and if you didn't eat nicely, your dinner would have been scraped into the bin.

Also, the parents would be inclined to agree with the school.

Nowdays all hell would break loose

worraliberty · 08/08/2011 16:54

Lmao @ 'Police'!!

It's a bit of a waste of resources but I think it'd help

kippersandjam · 08/08/2011 16:55

we have occasional friends for tea, and one boy was very memorable in his total inability to sit down, eat sitting down, he wasn't allowed proper cutlery, or plates or to drink with a small straight glass at the table. his mum told me he was too little for cutlery and for a glass! at 4! she aksed him to calm down but he ignored her. she said he was such a wanted child she didn't want to say upset him. another girl wouldn't eat unless she took it off mums plate, and then just fiddles with it. her mum was proud of her daughter and her need for mummys food only:)

i gave up inviting them as ds and dd eat well and have good manners, and its too painful to deal with them copying it. i just do a barbecue now and invite, or do a picnic in the garden. i must say when ds started nursery, his table manners went from lovely to appalling overnight.

Adversecamber · 08/08/2011 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chasingthedevils · 08/08/2011 16:59

if you take your children out a lot. Stndardise manners. At home? Do it your way. We dont have elbows on table police.

AnotherJaffaCake · 08/08/2011 17:00

Adversecamber I think I feel the need to be sick!

superv1xen · 08/08/2011 17:02

oh god i am a STICKLER for table manners

its one of the earliest things i teach as i think its very important. my dc are excellent and the youngest is only 2 and can sit for full meals at the table without getting up and pissing about, so if she can do it your friends horrible brats kids should be able to.

i have a mate whose DC (nearly 5) constantly get up and down from the table, piss about with food, mess about at the table and turn nose up at food, and its soooooo annoying

TheFlyingOnion · 08/08/2011 17:02

"Police eat on the sofa and tiny tables."

DP is German and describes eating on your knee in front of the TV as "English eating". It is totally unheard of here in Germany AFAIK.

I admit I've got into the lazy tray-on-the-knee habit since I've been living on my own, BUT I'm a teacher who supervises lunchtimes and I'm hysterical about the children having good manners. We have a competition every day and the boy and girl with the best manners get stickers

hifi · 08/08/2011 17:56

my neice uses her knife and fork in the wrong hand,sister gav me evils when i mentioned it.

5Foot5 · 08/08/2011 18:02

"DP is German and describes eating on your knee in front of the TV as "English eating"."

Oh that has just reminded me of something! When I was a child we almost always ate at the table in the kitchen (we didn't have a dining room). However, occasionally as a treat, Sunday tea would be laid out as a buffet and we could help ourselves and then take it in to the living room to eat on our knees. This was called a "Russian tea".

When I was very young I assumed that this must be because this was how people ate in Russia. Later I discovered this was just my Mum's joke because the buffet style meant we had to "rush 'n' grab it"

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