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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Malicious gossip. What do I do?

74 replies

BaggyAndWrinkled · 07/08/2011 14:12

I'm happily married with 2 young children (7 and 5). DH is a complete workaholic, works shift hours so during holiday times, apart from our family holiday, it's just me and the DC. I'm lucky - have great parents and IL's, and a really nice network of friends. One of my closest friends happens to be male. We met through our children in school (his are both a year younger than mine but get on brilliantly) and because we are both teachers, we're always off at the same time. His wife is lovely, we all get on when we meet together as a large group, DH and him are friends (not close) but are relaxed in one another's company.

Another Mum at the school where DC attend is a bit of a gossip. She's ok but knows everyone's business, and her child attends some of the clubs that mine go to. It's not the first time she's seen me and my male friend together i.e. coming out of the pool together WITH children, or him giving me a life WITH children to the park etc etc. She questioned it last year and I just shrugged it off. We all had a bbq last night and he told me that this Mum has told other Mums that we spend a lot of time together and that she was sure there is something going on. It now seems that a rumour is circulating that we're having an affair.

I'm pissed off about this and am not sure how to tackle it. I feel like knocking on her door and reminding her how damaging her gossip can be and for her to back off and mind her own. That said, will it look like I'm guilty? There is absolutely no shred of truth in this at all but I'm furious that the very suggestion of it will plant a seed of doubt. Neither of our partners are in the 'loop' of school and we've not told them of this rumour.

I'm so . How should I proceed with this?
I debated whether to post this in relationships, but decided that here got more traffic.

OP posts:

FairhairedandFrustrated · 07/08/2011 21:58

Are you sure there's not a little bit of you that's flattered at the rumours.......

BitOfFun · 07/08/2011 21:59

For god's sake, don't use facebook! Unless you are thirteen.

Sleepyspaniel · 07/08/2011 22:04

No time to read all thread but just to add IMO you should ignore. "never complain, never explain" as the saying goes (I think). So no, I would not approach her as you will give her a reaction which undoubtedly she will build upon and embellish.

However although I would mention something to your DH I would choose your words carefully because no matter how great the relationship is it's human nature/sod's law to be... I don't know, slightly alert/sensitive to the situation from that point onwards. In a "mention-itis" kind of way, i.e sub/unconscious presentation of hidden desire.

I would maybe say "Apparently X (this woman) has been gossiping about all sorts of people recently. She told someone that X had done xxx (give a small example), and, you know, she even raised an eyebrow about how she'd see (this dad) and the kids and me in the same car, like that meant something! She's just awful"... etc. Play it down whilst getting the point across.

LynetteScavo · 07/08/2011 22:05

I too think you should tell your partners, then ignore the gossip.

TubbyDuffs · 10/08/2011 12:38

Do we get an update on this? Did you tell your husband?

tribute · 21/09/2012 01:07

I became aware over the summer holidays that one of the Mum's from my sons school said some awful things about me a couple of years ago. She apparently told people to 'watch their children' round me as there was something 'not right'. Apparently she was giving them a 'warning' about me.
I am obviously very shocked and disgusted and angry by what she was apparently insinuating. I had wondered why all of a sudden a couple of years ago the Mum's etc didn't want me near their children and that Joshua never got invited anywhere and when we invited a couple of them to the cinema or to soft play it was ignored.

I have become a social pariah and can now only attribute it to this disgusting, filthy minded woman. Do I have a legal leg to stand on?

CSIJanner · 21/09/2012 01:33

Tribute - if it has affected your job or voluntary work working with vulnerable of children...think something along those lines, and if those who she told this to are willing to witness what she said, or if she's silly enough to repeat it, then yes, you can get her for slander under civil law. My sister's school had something similar with a teacher/governor at the local school and a silly mum.

Are the parents still off with you and how has it affected your son?

aldiwhore · 21/09/2012 09:25

I actually do believe in tackling gossip head on, in public, politely at first. Sometimes.

oldraver · 21/09/2012 10:17

Tribute.... you would be better starting your own thread to get advice that pertains to you... not re-hashing a year old one

eggsandwich · 21/09/2012 10:48

There is nothing wrong in being good friends with the opposite sex, especially as you have alot in common, I would however just mention to your dh about the gossip this women is spreading, just incase it gets back to your dh, or he may think it strange you did'nt mention it. I would also talk to this women about her overactive imagination!

LadyStark · 21/09/2012 11:05

Definitely tell partners.

Then I would grab her in the playground and ask if she had time for a quick coffee, if she says no, just say it'll only take five minutes we can talk here if you'd prefer - at this stage she will probably agree to coffe!

Just ask her why she is saying this stuff about you, be calm, in control, even with a bit sympathy in your voice. She's unlikely to have a reasonable response to this and at that point you can explain that whilst you're not bothered - you have a loving and trusting husband. You'd hate for her to choose a more vulnerable victim next time and she should think long and hard about how she conducts herself. Maybe even a super patronising, "is there something going on in your life which is making you unhappy and causing you to behave like this?".

knitpicker · 21/09/2012 11:16

I've had a little bit of experience of this, we are very friendly with a family who have dcs the same age. When they were younger we often met either by accident or design in the park. A few times we bumped into another mutual acquaintance there with his kids, coincidentally each time it was me and the dad from the other family. Heard back from the acquaintance's mother that the dad and I must surely be having an affair. I set her straight - some people just love to gossip. I would have been very cross if the gossip had impinged on our friendship with the other couple however.

quoteunquote · 21/09/2012 11:26

wait until there is a lot of people around, then in a very loud voice ask,

"Oh, I know what I've been meaning to ask you, what was it that made you think that X and I were having an affair?"

Then she will have to give you an explanation, and you can laugh very loudly in her face.

tangerinefeathers · 21/09/2012 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catwoo · 21/09/2012 13:33

sorry but the line
'this Mum has told other Mums that we spend a lot of time together and that she was sure there is something going on'
precludes you from taking any degfamation action.The woman is making a statement of what her opinion is not a statement of fact.Furthermore slander action is very expensive very hard to prove, adds more publicity to the rumour, and , if you lose people will conclude that she was right.

catwoo · 21/09/2012 13:35

Rise above it.Engaging in any way will just add fuel to the fire.

FryOneFatManic · 21/09/2012 14:51

This is an old thread, isn't it?

i wonder what happened in the end?

catwoo · 21/09/2012 16:34

Oh No Zombie thread! I am surprised I don't remember it!

Tribute - how awful! But please believe no-one with half a brain would pay any mind to such a vague accusation.I would think 'If something untoward was suspected, why on earth haven't they reported it?'

BlueSkySinking · 21/09/2012 16:40

I would probably ask her directly why she is spreading untrue gossip about you and bloke. Wait for her to explain. Let her dig her way out.

Or rise above it?

Or start gossip about her looking a bit weighty round the middle and expect she might be keeping something quiet?

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 21/09/2012 16:52

Oh this is SO bad OP and I do feel for you. I had similar with a male friend who is a SAHD...he's also DH's mate so DH was perfectly happy for us to meet up and sometimes he'd give me a lift to places....we took no notice and carried on ...they all got bored. IGNORE THEM>

tribute · 22/09/2012 00:02

Yes. It has affected my son simply by the fact that he is probably the only child who has never been invited anywhere.
He says its no big deal (not being invited) but there have been tears before now.

tribute · 22/09/2012 00:04

Old Raver in response to you -

I only found this out a year ago so it cannot have been 'rehashing' an old thread.

HipHopOpotomus · 22/09/2012 00:14

Tell your partners and IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.

(And remember the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about )

HipHopOpotomus · 22/09/2012 00:15

Wow I just learnt what a zombie thread is

Hooray!

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