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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Malicious gossip. What do I do?

74 replies

BaggyAndWrinkled · 07/08/2011 14:12

I'm happily married with 2 young children (7 and 5). DH is a complete workaholic, works shift hours so during holiday times, apart from our family holiday, it's just me and the DC. I'm lucky - have great parents and IL's, and a really nice network of friends. One of my closest friends happens to be male. We met through our children in school (his are both a year younger than mine but get on brilliantly) and because we are both teachers, we're always off at the same time. His wife is lovely, we all get on when we meet together as a large group, DH and him are friends (not close) but are relaxed in one another's company.

Another Mum at the school where DC attend is a bit of a gossip. She's ok but knows everyone's business, and her child attends some of the clubs that mine go to. It's not the first time she's seen me and my male friend together i.e. coming out of the pool together WITH children, or him giving me a life WITH children to the park etc etc. She questioned it last year and I just shrugged it off. We all had a bbq last night and he told me that this Mum has told other Mums that we spend a lot of time together and that she was sure there is something going on. It now seems that a rumour is circulating that we're having an affair.

I'm pissed off about this and am not sure how to tackle it. I feel like knocking on her door and reminding her how damaging her gossip can be and for her to back off and mind her own. That said, will it look like I'm guilty? There is absolutely no shred of truth in this at all but I'm furious that the very suggestion of it will plant a seed of doubt. Neither of our partners are in the 'loop' of school and we've not told them of this rumour.

I'm so . How should I proceed with this?
I debated whether to post this in relationships, but decided that here got more traffic.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 07/08/2011 14:44

You cannot risk going to her door to confront her, things might escalate, if could be seen as not acceptable conduct for a teacher.

I take it then you are not teachers at a school? Or at least the same school?

You do need to tell your partners and discuss whether to go down the route of a letter threatening legal action. If it crosses into your workplace you may have to discuss it with your head/manager.

fastweb · 07/08/2011 14:47

I actually think that stupid people like this need a big fright

Seconded.

The bigger, the better.

reelingintheyears · 07/08/2011 14:54

Now girls...

Violence never solved anything.

Imagine...all the MNers standing in a circle around the fight shouting
Go Baggy ...sounds like it could be fun.

MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 14:55

No, don't add fuel to the fire she's trying to start. Definitely without a shadow of a doubt tell your partners what has been said; that is really important incase they find out from anyone else. Ignore the woman and the rumours and carry on as normal. You have nothing to hide.

Salmotrutta · 07/08/2011 14:55

Yes - I remember an incident from years ago when someone was spreading very nasty rumours about an acquaintance. These ugly (and completely untrue) rumours got back to the person's relatives and they tracked down the source. That person then received a phone call which left them in no doubt about what legal proceedings would ensue if they said another word on the matter. The rumours miraculously stopped.

Salmotrutta · 07/08/2011 14:56

reeling I meant a big fright in the sense of threatening legal action!

reelingintheyears · 07/08/2011 14:57

Ha Ha ...i read it as FIGHT ..

Oops.

Salmotrutta · 07/08/2011 14:59

............. a big fight might work!!!

toniguy · 07/08/2011 15:11

There is a similar situation with a parent at the school one of my dcs attends. She has been spreading malicious gossip about one of the teachers (who also happens to be a parent). Unfortunately you get this with a few people who have too much time on their hands (and are usual jealous in some way). We are hoping that the person being gossiped about will threaten legal action soon, I'm sure its a possibility they will, and its what these malicious interferers need. In fact, I also wonder whether the woman concerned is a MNer- hope so!

ZZZenAgain · 07/08/2011 15:16

I think a lot of people don't click quite how bad gossip can be. I know I used to think I was just chatting and exchanging news when I got called up short by one of those totally dead pan preacher style young American women who told me not to gossip. I was gobsmacked but with time I have come to see what she means and I try not to fall into it. It is hard not to get drawn in sometimes and then when you have information (right or wrong), it is hard to keep it to yourself.

It is horrible foryou OP, I think to just ignore it and carry on as you were is actually very difficult to do.

pranma · 07/08/2011 15:38

Please tell your dh about this-if you dont it looks as though you have something to hide.It is almost inevitable that he will hear tis gossip from some 'well-meaning' acquaintance and it will be much easier for everyone if he can say,'That silly rumour-yes Baggy mentioned it.'
If you dont tell him he will wonder why.

Merrylegs · 07/08/2011 15:41

"She questioned it last year and I just shrugged it off."

What? So you just changed the subject? Or you told her in no uncertain terms that there was absolutely nothing going on? Perhaps she thinks she has approached you about this already and you were cagey and non committal and therefore had something to hide? Of course you are not obliged to tell her anything as it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS, but if you didn't categorically quash the rumour then, you may see how it has become inflamed? Gossip is very insidious.

When you say your friend spent the entire swim session 'fuming' after he had wheedled the gossip out of the other father, do you know if your friend put this guy straight? Or just fumed to himself? Because unless you actually categorically tell people how wrong they are, they may infer by your silence that there is something to talk about.

You say your friend told you that this woman is spreading the rumour of an affair. Have you actually heard it from her? Is there any remote possibility that your friend does actually 'like' you like you and is 'testing the water' to see your reaction?

I am only pointing this out as another possible slant, just so you can see how one situation can be seen from many sides.

Thumbwitch · 07/08/2011 15:42

gossip is insidious - it is something I have come to hate more and more. MIL is generally a really nice person but she loves to gossip and DH joins in with her - I loathe listening to the pair of them when they get going, especially on MIL's so-called friends! They are her friends but they wouldn't be for long if they heard some of the things she says about them! Makes me worry what she says about me, tbh.

hellospoon · 07/08/2011 15:53

Ok, I speak as someone who has been on the receiving end of malicious gossip on several occasions (dp's family mostly)

The first thing to do is tell ur dp. Your friend needs to tell their dp also. That is the first thing.

The second thing is do not react trying to justify the rumour will only make you look guilty. Let the gossips talk and get on with what they need to say / do.

Your partners will know the truth. And if you have nothing to hide you won't be bothered by it.

You MUST tell your dp's though as it fuels the fire if you don't.

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 07/08/2011 16:05

Ignore it. Rise above it.
All it is is a malicious rumour, if there is no truth in it whatsoever, then it will run it's course and die out. Some people just have nothing better or more interesting to talk about, and most people know this. You've said this woman is known as a gossip anyway, people will know this and take everything she says with a large pinch of salt.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 07/08/2011 16:11

alowVera, you're not wrong, but I'm just a little concerned because it may become a problem for the OP's friend as he has a public teacher role in society. My DP had a few slanderous comments said about him, connected with work, by a couple of people he knows professionally, and he stamped it out immediately because it can just get out of hand and ruin careers. Because of the nature of his work I think the comments and situation were probably more potentially sensitive and inflammatory than that described here, but I think the OP and her friend need to keep a careful eye out.

howabout · 07/08/2011 16:17

I was in a very similar position to you this time last year.

You definitely need to tell your respective DPs in case someone else decides to enlighten them and also it is horrible to feel like people are talking about you behind your back, so if you don't tell them they will start drawing their own conclusions about why you are so annoyed all the time. My DH was actually extremely supportive and we have a lot of in-jokes around the subject of my relationships with the various men in my life these days.

In my case the gossip concerned appears to be jealous that I can hold onto a happy marriage when she couldn't and I don't think there is much you can do to counteract this. I went with having a good rant to my proper friends and then rising above it. If anything I started making more of an effort with my appearance etc so that she realised just how beneath me she was - a bit petty I know but made me feel better. I also made a bit of a point of mentioning my DH and all his enviable qualities in conversation at the school gate which I would never normally do as I don't really like to define myself as part of a couple rather than an individual. In short I engaged in a bit of playground PR - just pretend you are Jennifer Anniston (substitute your chosen celebrity) trying to keep her private life to herself.

I really wouldn't stoop to dignify her malicious tongue with a confrontation as then she is sure to imply there is no smoke without fire and with time the gossips will find something else to ruminate over.

CoffeeRevel · 07/08/2011 16:22

definately tell dps... and I would ignore it while practical to do so, but if you feel it is getting to a critical point and needs to be addressed, maybe one of your dps should challenge her about it? It could be more effective coming from them, the supposedly injured parties in her mind.

BagofHolly · 07/08/2011 16:25

Shit sticks. Go head on and tell her to knock it off. And then tell everyone else about how poisonous she is being. Otherwise you will always be secretly thought of as that woman who is having an affair. Seriously.

HattiFattner · 07/08/2011 16:33

Id be tempted to use facebook.....

First, tell partners.

Then get his DW to put something on your facebook to the effect that "Oi, are you having an affair with my Bob?", followed by comments about beaky playground gossips spreading daft rumours. and then have a nice fun online giggle about whether he picks up his socks off the bedroom floor and have your DH and him also making daft comments.

The best way to deal with Gossip is to bring it out into the open with a devil may care attitude and a laugh at other people's foolishness. Once all four partners are laughing about the "affair" the gossips will have nothing more to say. Gossip is only good when its shrouded in mystery and secrecy.

Original poster

BaggyAndWrinkled · 07/08/2011 18:50

Thanks everyone. I've not had a chance to read through everyone's input, but I will. DH off soon on another night shift, so I'll read through once the LO's are in bed. I didn't want you all to think that I wasn't checking back in. Back later.

OP posts:

supercal · 07/08/2011 19:35

What should you do?

The first thing is absolutely tell your DH.

Have to say, it strikes me as a bit off that your male friend told you about the rumours at the party, and you and he were discussing it just the two of you, and yet he hadn't told his wife about them and you haven't since told your DH.
I would be more bothered by that than the initial gossip.

DH and I have a male friend who like me is a part-time SAHP. We occasionally have a coffee or such together. if there were any rumours about us being a couple, I'm pretty sure that he, his wife, my DH and I would all be laughing it off as we'd know how ridiculous it was. I certainly wouldn't be whispering in corners about it with my male friend, and if that's what he tried to do, I'd be making sure sharpish that we opened that conversation up to our spouses.

MrsKravitz · 07/08/2011 19:39

We have one like that in our school. I even wondered if it was her when I read the OP. Horrible people.

lilmissminx · 07/08/2011 21:46

I haven't read whole thread, as have to log off shortly So hope I'm not saying somehting that has already been said... but... Having suffered with gossips for long enough, I would firstly tell DH about ridiculous rumour started by bored malicious cow woman.
Then, I would catch her, in front of lots of people and ask her if she can do some creative writing voluntary work for 'x' charity as she clearly has an active imagination so much time to spare. Make it clear that you find her behaviour petty and that you, your DH and both other concerned parties have only pity that she has nothing better to do than manufacture stories to fill her time. Just tell her that her behaviour is spiteful, and not appreciated, and ask her to check her facts before publishing any more 'details' of your life. Maybe she fancies you friend and has said this out of jealousy which would tempt me to confront her in front of her partner and ask [angry} hate malicious gossips sooo much

Eglu · 07/08/2011 21:52

Agree with the majority that you should tell your partners and ignore the woman.

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