To be annoyed by the disapproving looks my SIL gave my 3 year old....

[MrBloomsNursery]

Sorry, just wrote it all out and it's quite long....

Okay, so I'm muslim, and my SIL decided to have a big feast in her house in the evening and invite her neighbours around. Sunset is at around 8.50pm and so naturally a child of 3, who has been awake since 7am without a nap in the day will get fussy and in my daughter's case, a bit loopy from tiredness.

My SIL invited me around to "help" her and that there won't be that many people so being a nice person that I am, I asked her to pick me up at 6.30pm and I also made some food to take along. Our car is broken so I couldn't drive there myself (even though I bloody wish I had).

So firstly it usual custom to sit and pray for a little while before sunset - everyone was quiet in the room and my DD got fussy and started rolling on the sofa. This is the first "look" that SIL gave my daughter. I saw her and took DD upstairs and put cbeebies on the computer for her to keep entertained for a little while. It was about 7.30pm.

Then when fast opened at sunset, SIL starts ordering me around to get things from the kitchen like plates and spoons, and she starts serving up other children whilst my daughter who is really hungry at that stage (she had tea at about 5pm) starts getting agitated. Second "look" from SIL because DD is not behaving again. So at this point I just sat down with DD and started helping her eat as I knew how hungry and tired she was. I got a few looks from her for sitting down and feeding my daughter.

So, at this point I'm thinking of asking my brother to drop me off home, but it's so busy and SIL is adamant she needs me there . So I carry on hosting and offering guests food and water etc...

Finally it got to about 10.50pm and by this point my DD had gone mad. She was running around the whole house screaming and generally being stupid because this is what happens to her when she gets tired. So many times I told her to calm down and sit down, but she wasn't listening to me. I even took her upstairs and asked her if she wanted to sleep but she was too hyper to stop. So we come back downstairs and DD starts running again and SIL gives DD another look and catches her and tells her to be quiet....I WAS SO ANGRY that I ended up shouting at my DD, for no reason and I cried when I got home because it wasn't her fault. My little daughter had been up since 7am, and I had been helping this woman all evening and neglecting her.

So really am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that my SIL kept looking at DD like that? She has 2 daughters aged 10 and 8, who in my memory have NEVER stayed at our house that late with their mother helping me. When they were younger she used to run off home claiming that they needed routine and their sleep, yet it was okay for DD to ruin her routine and then expect her to behave like an older child for nearly 5 hours in the evening.

Tonight I am inviting brother and SIL around for dinner, and I am thinking of saying something to her. My DH thinks I'm being stupid, but I want to remind this bitch that 3 year olds can't be expected to behave at that time in the evening when they're tired. Should I say anything? If so, how could I put it in a nice way so she gets the hint I was annoyed.

MJ that's a great idea about ensuring that next time her DD should have a nap if they're going to be out late.

I do think it was unreasonable that OP's DD was made to wait until Iftar before she could have something to eat.....it doesn't apply to a 3 year FGS! A snack box is a good idea for the future.

Oh I get the mentality and hassle from my own family - not even in-laws. If I let DS stay up late and he's hyper I need to control him, if I refuse on the grounds of DS needing sleep/ routine - I'm too controlling and rigid.

Hasn't happened since 1 camping trip where Mum insisted I take DS to the club, even though he was tired and didn't want to go. I shouldn't let him control me, and even got other family members to go on and on about it until I gave in. Next day, the last one, when mum wanted to spend time with DS he slept for 3 hours in the afternoon, woke for food and slept 13 hours that night. She missed out on quality time all for the sake of sitting in the dark watching a show whilst he sat on the floor with other children,

tell her simply say it's your child and she needs to respect your parenting decisions even if she doesn't agree with them - as you do hers.

A sly way of getting her to wonder what you think of her parenting.

But remember OP said, I think, her SIL was a slave to routine with her two dds and the OP is pg and has SPD, so being sous chef and waitress at SIL's gatherings probably not high on her wish list at present, especially with a 3 yr old dd to entertain and look after too.

If routine gives her a legitimate get-out without causing offence, then use it!

You must learn to stand up for yourself and your daughter and to say no.

but she phoned and asked me to help her and I couldn't say "no".

Well, yes-you could! You've admitted that she was a stickler for routine with her children, so use that as a reason. "Sorry, but like your children did; mine need to be in bed at x time or they are a nightmare-as last week proved!'

If you let this happen again, it's not her fault!

I think people are being a bit hard on MrBloomsNursery - parenthood is a learning curve, and as she said, this was the first time she'd come up against this particular situation, and she now sees she didn't handle it the way she should have - so she's learned from it, which is the important thing.

I do also think that her SIL could have been a lot more understanding - if she has children of her own, she must surely know that many young children do not behave like utter angels when very over-tired and out of their routine. I think she was extremely unreasonable to expect the OP to help out so much, given her current condition, and I also suspect that she knew that the OP's dd really needed to go home to bed, but acknowledging that would have meant losing the OP's help with the hostessing, and she didn't want to do that.

You'll do better next time, OP, don't worry.

Thanks everyone, and thanks stayingDavidTennantsGirl - a lesson has definitely been learned. I really appreciate all the comments - I think I need to be more assertive in these types of situations and say no. Yep, I could have taken a snack box - hindsight is a lovely thing! Hopefully won't make the same mistake again with DD or in the next few years time with no.2!!

Poor you, you were taken for a right mug there! your poor DD, I know my DS at 3 would have been absolutely no different, he goes into HYPER mode and that is that! melt down follows and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I got all manner of and criticism with how I did things routine wise with DS, I didn't ever care a jot! They are not raising my son, I am. My DS is healthy, rested, generally well behaved and thriving, theirs weren't. Give him his due, X did remind them that the King of Egypt had an English tutor and an Irish nanny, and that I knew what I was doing!

You won't let that happen again OP, I'm sure! ((hugs))

YANBU. At all. But next time you need to find a way of saying no, very firmly, so that you aren't putting your DD in this situation again. I wouldn't have dreamt of keeping DD up 'til that time (I wouldn't now, let alone when she was three). I know it's hard with family obligations, but you need to say, calmly and firmly,
"Last time was a disaster for DD and me, because she was exhausted and I felt that her needs were coming second. That can't happen again, so I'm afraid you need to find someone else to help you, so that I can keep DD in the routine that she needs."